Facebook

[delusionalxox]

It's amazing and useful to look back and see what we grew to tolerate... . the intolerable!

[ObiRedKenobi]

It is really useful. I have learned so much through this relationship. Its not surprizing really. I generally have to learn things the hard way. But lessons hard learned are the hardest to forget.

[Anikaca77]

I agree 100% there.  It did for my 6 year marriage.  He cheated online with talking with this women 2 years ago and also talking on the phone.  Then he continued to talk with her and I didn't know about this for 2 years... . he kept her on the back burner and I thought here we would try to work on our marriage.  Nope not at all on his part.  I worked hard and supported him for 2 years while he was at home talking with her even if he says it wasn't romantic I don't care it was still talking.  Then he left me and is now living with her.

Facebook I think is terrible for marriages.

My borderline wife has been misbehaving on Facebook ever since she joined back in 2009. Now she is completely addicted and on her 2nd emotional affair. I stayed with her after the first one 3yrs ago but I'm divorcing her now due to current affair. It goes something like this: 1) flirtatious comment 2) start liking everything posted by the person 3) private message person & exchange cell phone numbers 4) start talking on phone in secret 5) stay up all night on Facebook 6) phone calls late at night 7) In ":)eep Love" after 4 weeks 8) I find out about other guy & confront 9) get the "Just Friends" response 10) Wife goes to meet guy in person 11) End of marriage. I've simplified things a bit here but the point is Facebook can easily kill a marriage from what I've experienced. I've been married 7 years and with this woman for 8 but now I am filing for divorce. My wife even wrote a song about Facebook and how it is her kingdom and all her 5000 friends are her subjects, sick stuff but a borderlines paradise. Obviously anyone can become addicted to Facebook & ruin a healthy relationship too but boy can a borderline live out there fantasies on there.

[delusionalxox]

Anikaca77 how awful what he did

I guess it's still the people who do it - the cheating and insane 'virtual' relationships- but the internet (not just facebook) makes it soo much easier for them to enter fantasy land and live it out quickly.

[shaggysoul]

Growl! I'm so angry at these f$&kers! Sometimes I feel like I have exaggerated things or demonized him. Maybe I made up the whole BPD thing and am just labeling something to make myself feel better. But then I read all your posts and the stories and they all

Just reverberate so deeply.

I want to beat them all up. Or throw them on an island together and watch them all make each other (more) crazy. Sorry. Angry moment.

[Jep]

     My ex started a MySpace account about the same time everyone else did in 2005. I trusted her at that point because we were just a few months in. Well she became obsessed with it and there was a lot of inappropriate stuff going on. I told her no more myspace or I was gone. She deleted the account, but resented me terribly because of it.

     Then fb started. Same deal. Social networking did a number on our relationship and I despised it. What it comes down to though, is that these people are going to behave like this everywhere. On the Internet, at the grocery store, at work, everywhere. It doesn't take a computer to get a bp to lie and cheat!

     As far as fb and detaching goes, just don't look. You know fire is hot so you don't put your hand in it. If you cannot keep yourself from looking then perhaps you need a break from social networking and deactivate the account until you feel better. I refuse to look because I know it will hurt and I have been hurt enough.

Jp

     

[shaggysoul]

Amen.

I am so lucky that my fear of finding something out that with traumatize and ruin my day overshadows any curiosity. I won't even google him now. I don't want to know "how great" his life is.

[delusionalxox]

Yeah I have not 'stalked' (in my entirely ineffectual way, as I can't even see most of his FB page or most of his friends'  ) or googled for 2/3 days and I know  this is progress even though I still hurt.

I was going to type in the fatal words again and I just said to myself 'don't hurt yourself any more. You've been hurt enough'. Just as you say shaggysoul.

It feels physically painful to have nil connection with him, not even looking at pages and fantasising about his life-- and to know that this will no doubt go on forever (I don't think my ex will ever contact me again. It's kind of like someone died  :'()

But it hurts more to keep that grief ridden connection going.

[afterdeath]

My borderline wife has been misbehaving on Facebook ever since she joined back in 2009. Now she is completely addicted and on her 2nd emotional affair. I stayed with her after the first one 3yrs ago but I'm divorcing her now due to current affair. It goes something like this: 1) flirtatious comment 2) start liking everything posted by the person 3) private message person & exchange cell phone numbers 4) start talking on phone in secret 5) stay up all night on Facebook 6) phone calls late at night 7) In ":)eep Love" after 4 weeks 8) I find out about other guy & confront 9) get the "Just Friends" response 10) Wife goes to meet guy in person 11) End of marriage. I've simplified things a bit here but the point is Facebook can easily kill a marriage from what I've experienced. I've been married 7 years and with this woman for 8 but now I am filing for divorce. My wife even wrote a song about Facebook and how it is her kingdom and all her 5000 friends are her subjects, sick stuff but a borderlines paradise. Obviously anyone can become addicted to Facebook & ruin a healthy relationship too but boy can a borderline live out there fantasies on there.

This is perfect. Sounds about right.

I actually laughed at a few of these comments though. You rookies, I have a fake account that is friends with her sister just to see her possibly popping up in her pictures.

At first I did it to stalk, then she eventually deactivated so I had to make sure I wasn't just blocked. She's gone from Facebook. Truth be told I rarely check it anymore.

I check it from time to time just to see new pictures of the daughter she took away from me growing up.

When my ex occasionally pops up randomly in a rare photo my heart races and I get Assn immediate adrenaline rush still.

Her sister just got married, so I'm waiting you're the wedding photos where I'll finally see my replacement with my ex.

Other than that final severing tie, I rarely check it any more because it's no longer my business and she's not coming back because even if she did it's too far gone to fix it now even if I wanted it to happen again.she's done too much and I've said to much, she's hurt my whole family to the point they don't ever want to hear about her again Anne I'm sure most of her family that support her feel the same way about me, I already know her friends believed her as they deleted me for no reason .

Facebook is the work of the devil.

[delusionalxox]

afterdeath so sorry to hear about your daughter :/

I heard of others who set up fake spying profiles and I do understand the impulse. But it would cause me just too much unbearable pain, I think it would finish me off.

I stopped looking at the page of the male friend who posts pictures of him a lot. All the pictures were from before we split up but the odd new one (from the past) would surface and I would get that EXACT adrenaline rush you describe.

i don't want it any more. It hurts.

[Candace30]

[Raises hand]     I set up the fake facebook profile to stalk a couple of years ago.  I was very strategic with it too.  I went about generated a good 300 or so friends so that it would look like a legitimate profile before I added my ex.  I took the time to build an entire profile, all for the sole purpose of stalking my ex.  It's rather funny (in an amusing, but sad way) when you think about it. 

Which makes me have to ask myself - Could it be that some of us (those who stalk) are partly addicted to the drama?

Like some of you have mentioned, you don't look at your ex's profiles, because you don't want to hurt yourself.  No SANE person would purposefully place themselves in a position to be hurt.

I don't doubt that I loved my ex unconditionally.  But I wonder if I also loved the drama that came with the relationship just as much. 

 

[afterdeath]

[Raises hand]     I set up the fake facebook profile to stalk a couple of years ago.  I was very strategic with it too.  I went about generated a good 300 or so friends so that it would look like a legitimate profile before I added my ex.  I took the time to build an entire profile, all for the sole purpose of stalking my ex.  It's rather funny (in an amusing, but sad way) when you think about it. 

Which makes me have to ask myself - Could it be that some of us (those who stalk) are partly addicted to the drama?

Like some of you have mentioned, you don't look at your ex's profiles, because you don't want to hurt yourself.  No SANE person would purposefully place themselves in a position to be hurt.

I don't doubt that I loved my ex unconditionally.  But I wonder if I also loved the drama that came with the relationship just as much. 

 

I don't like drama or miss it, I just miss honeymoon phase of my ex, I also wanted answers for why she did what she did.

What's sad is how easy it is to do and how much we put out in to the open about ourselves. She deactivated her Facebook 8 months ago yet I still know everything going on in her life, well not everything, but can assume the blank spots,v just because her sister posts an occasional photo.

Technology is the scary part.

[delusionalxox]

Candace I admire your ingenuity :D

It would hurt me too much now to have to see ex's new relationships, partying and activities. I sort of stalked around the edges. Partly perhaps waiting to see some sort of 'message' and also I think to keep myself attached to the person and the past.

All I saw was a (beautiful) picture of him on his friends' page- obviously haviing fun with his best male friend- posted 2 days after he said he would never speak to me again. I don't look at that page any more. What is there can only hurt.

but I don't think I could have BORNE to see exactly what was going on in his life. It would have destroyed me.

We will never be together again- I know this deeply, with both pain and relief- and if I had to see that beautiful face smiling with someone else right now I would go right back into the madness and anger of the early days.

These days i just feel empty and disbelieving. He's gone. Looking for him online will not bring him back and if he did come back he would only bring me momentary pleasure and then much more pain.

[delusionalxox]

I wanted answers too but this board gave me most of the answers I needed- the splitting white then black, the clinging/sexual attachment followed by abrupt dumping, etc. Also very likely he found or was investigating other sources of supply. He already had one in the form of a new male friend he was all excited about. I had been painted a psycho by everyone he knew and his family, so the support of this friend and others I am sure gave him the push to 'move on' from the 'loony' he had promised eternal friendship to 3 weeks before... .

I suspect they also told him i was faking my pregnancy etc and to ignore it. He got a lot of support by painting me as a violent, crazed abuser.

[ObiRedKenobi]

I'm getting to a point where I am ready to reactivate my facebook account. First thing I'm going to do though is block her. If her friends want to unfriend me so be it. I liked some of them but they were her friends first. I'm starting to care less about what she does on facebook and that I'm missing out on the connection with my family and friends.

[twester65]

Block, block, block. I didn't just unfriend him. I blocked him so we just don't exist for each other on Facebook.

My ex started appearing on dating sites within hours of me accepting a break up as the absolute last one (not exactly what he intended). I blocked him every time I encountered him. He can't see me and I can't see him. There has been no contact other than obnoxious, "How are you doings?" from him for six months. Bumped into him in the grocery store a couple of months ago. He may as well have been a carton of eggs.

Doesn't mean I don't still love him. I just love me more.

[clover528]

Guilty here too.   I am angry and sick at myself for doing it. He only recently got a fb page. His new gf, however, has two. I made an account that has nothing on it so as to see what they may post publicly. That just happened recently. i had blocked everyone imagineable that may be axxociated with him over a month ago. In light of recent events I needed to know where he was so i opened a fake account. Like i said, At his point sure it hurts to see them together, but I have to know where he is. It is both a good and bad thing for me at this point. I can track some of his moves, but I still have to pain of the loss of what I believed in.

So is fb  a bad things when recovering? Yes, NC is hard as hell but will eventually give you clarity to move on in a healthy manner.

Is fb helpful when they are threatening to harm you? YES. It may let you know where they are or what they are doing while they are threatening you. Giving you time and or information that could help you in the long and short run. Just my opinion. Not that it is a perfect tracker, but it is better than being completely unknowing.

Sidenote here:  Delusional, I have read many of your posts and i always relate to your feelings. how you describe what you are going through. It pings on my heart. I even cried reading your replies on here. I truly feel for you. Well I feel for all of us. This just stinks!  I just wanted to give you a shout out. I understand. I feel the brokenness of your heart. It is much like my own.

[delusionalxox]

Thanks Clover If my posts made you cry I hope it was in a good/healing way

I've managed NC now (with an accidental hiccup last week but not a terrible one- a reply to a friend of his who emailed me).

I have accepted he is gone forever. And more and more I know it is a good thing. And that I did what I could for him and gave far, far too much for no reward at all.

I have been on a few dates etc and tried to enjoy myself. My life's not over at 40 and I have my faults. But I deserved way better than him.

Some days I still feel terribly down but it's less focused on him and more on fear of future and being alone etc.  I hope you too are healing in your own time. xx

[clover528]

Right now delusional, I dont know what my tears are for. It seems I have so much going on, I cant even focus on my pain, anger, hurt, push pull, everything. I havent spoken to him in over two weeks, almost three now actually. He has been in contact ( not in a good way) with me though. I just keep reminding myself I ended this. i left him and I chose to stay away. It is the whole mind heart connection that is disconnected .

I am glad you are doing some better. It gives me hope. I understand the fear of being alone at this point in life. I have so many responsibilities though, alone seems like a welcome relief for me. ( kids, elderly parent with dementia equals no time for me to even breathe in silence). We do have hope though. I remember that was what I read on some site about BPD when i first discovered the disorder. HOPE. I thought I could save him and save us. Fools gold.

God bless delusional. You can message me anytime you want to chat. I am happy for you that you have come to acceptance to some degree. Keep hanging in there. The Hope for us now is future wholeness, and inner happiness and peace. It will happen.

[delusionalxox]

Clover at first when he cut me off I thought I was dying of the pain and people on here said 'he's doing you a favour'- I didn't believe them.

now I see they were right. It seems to be much worse when they interact constantly- especially as in your case when they are abusive.

Ex was like this for 3 years. It would have ended much earlier if he had not been- I tried to end it many times but could not resist the tears, pleading, begging and constant reengagement. I think what you are doing is really strong.

In the end I set boundary after boundary for ex and pushed him away as much as I could but it was him who made the final break... . I had that bizarre fantasy of forever friends/soulmates... . I guess I cared for him despite all the hit he gave me, and that isn't something I should be ashamed of, although I am ashamed of how I broke at the end and went nuts :D

[peas]

We all go through the social media stalking phase. Especially when the breakup is fresh.

My uBPDbf broke up with me six weeks ago and it's been devastating even though I should have been used to it because he was always breaking up with me during our seven-month relationship. But this last time I knew he was done for good. You can tell when they finally mean it. I should have been the one breaking up for good early in the relationship when he showed me his capacity to do damage. But I let myself get sucked in.

But back to social media and Facebook. On the day he told me it was over, which followed a blow-out argument, I immediately blocked him from Facebook. I did this to protect myself from stalking him. I knew I would be weak and check his page for any new activity. I was able to maintain this for a couple weeks.

And then I unblocked him on Facebook (in a weak moment I wanted to peek at his stuff, which was locked up tight and offered no new information). But within a couple days of me unblocking him he ended up blocking me back. I'm kicking myself that I ever unblocked him because to me that was like my last dig. Unblocking him even for a moment gave him the opportunity to block me back. Damn!

He and I had a weird Facebook dynamic throughout our relationship. He unfriended all the time. It actually became a joke. Eventually we just decided to not be FB friends, even though this is the person who was telling me all the while he wanted to marry me and have kids with me. FB added a whole other dysfunctional element to the BPD behavior. He blocked me once before on FB (and his phone) when he tried dumping me early in the relationship. Then, as usual, he would return to me, things would be okay, then a new cycle of breaking up/unfriending, etc. 

He also had a lot of single women friends on FB and I am sure he was messing around online, queuing up my replacement, if he had not already begun to cheat. He was real defensive when I asked him about all the single hot women he was following on FB. He got angry and yelled at me that it was none of my business and that he could friend all the hot women he wanted. That was the beginning of the real end. I could tell his mind was onto to someone else.   

He never liked being my FB friend for a few reasons (my theory): It showed my human side -- you know, pictures of me with friends, talking about my work, publicly corresponding with people, photos from my past -- and it was a space that he couldn't control. I was never a person to my exBPDer. Everything was about him and his needs and I was something that filled some role until he didn't want me filling it anymore. Also, being connected to me on FB meant I could see his activity and he wanted to hide a lot of information from me. There was not a single trace of our relationship on his FB site. I didn't exist there.

I caught myself Googling him obsessively the other day, trying to find ANY online activity by him. Then I just decided to stop. I now refuse to type his name into any search engine or social media search field. I have decided he is dead to me online. Also, I don't want to see something I can't un-see. I don't want to see a picture of him and another woman -- and I am assuming he is seeing someone already. I don't want to know anything about him today. Sure, he's in my head 24/7, but I have finally set some online boundaries.

[HealingSlowly]

Thank you for this thread! I too have been obsessed with FBook, though not as much. It's just the same old crazy-making. My ex's is partially public. We are not friends. I ended that. But I can still see recent photos posted and groups joined. And names in pictures - who is she? And then I google. I think he is probably with someone new. I have actually wasted full days/nights trying to figure out the messages. I am a professional, have a PhD too, and think no one would believe this. Or my fear: I"ve really lost it! But ... . I think sometimes some information is okay. Even if it's just crazy-making - I can see enough on my ex's page to know the patterns, even with new groups etc. - there is something about seeing the patterns "outside" of our relationship. And just to add: I work in the same field as my ex. People in our "circles" knew we were a couple and liked us as one. When it ended, a few said to me: what? I thought you two were totally happy. How to explain? I could not. I would not go there professionally. But ... . a couple of colleagues who are also my friends and one is on my ex's FBook page, I get a bit of info. And it's all the same. They have said that the posts are strange, something off, maybe a new girlfriend (yes and no is always the vibe). The information has been useful. It has confirmed what I already knew and not made it so isolating. I know still that I am the only one who really knows (except for any other ex but I was his second partner, the first was short term and more dating!). His family knows there are issues but they are in total denial. And in some ways like him, though not totally. Anyway, I think some info is okay, but when it gets to the obsessive part ... . I have done it, badly and it is bad news. But knowing is different than obsessing. Starting to separate the two. ... . Thanks for all the great posts and insight and honesty!

[HealingSlowly]

i meant to say that I'm not as obsessed NOW, 7 months later - and not as much as others. HA. Right in there! So many days... .