Summer Plans

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

My DH's BPDxw was supposed to have my SD4 for a month and half during the summer and we were supposed to get SD4 EOW. BPDxw could follow the court order to keep kiddo away from felons and to make Skype available every day for my DH. After only 2 nights and 3 days kiddo is back with us. Oh and she showed up almost 4 hours late the first day to get kiddo. The summer is supposed to be the bulk of her parenting time. BPDxw has decided that she will do EOW through

When is there a preponderance of evidence that BPDxw can't and won't care for SD4?

[newlymarried]

My DH's BPDxw was supposed to have my SD4 for a month and half during the summer and we were supposed to get SD4 EOW. BPDxw could follow the court order to keep kiddo away from felons and to make Skype available every day for my DH. After only 2 nights and 3 days kiddo is back with us. Oh and she showed up almost 4 hours late the first day to get kiddo. The summer is supposed to be the bulk of her parenting time. BPDxw has decided that she will do EOW through

When is there a preponderance of evidence that BPDxw can't and won't care for SD4?

[ForeverDad]

On the one hand, this is good news for the child and dad, it shows that when given the opportunity, the ex is willing to stay with EOW.  Besides, no judge will force a parent to take the children.  (Your problem is the opposite of mine and many others here!)

On the other hand, I'm not sure whether court will feel inclined to make changes to the order, not yet.  It may want to see a longer pattern, so whether or not something is done now, start and keep documenting the details.

DH has majority time during most of the year, right?  If the order is changed so that SD4 is on an EOW schedule with Dad having majority time year round, would that have a financial impact on the child support, if there is any?

What I do see is a need to ensure that she doesn't pull last minute switcharoos and demands.  Her noncompliance now may feed her overall sense of entitlement to follow her own schedule and make her own demands.  It is probably reasonable to state boundaries, not to trigger an overreaction from her, but just to keep it from getting worse.  They might include... .

• Example 1:  Exchanges are at the stated times in the order.  The exchange window is XX minutes.  (In my area it is 30 minutes.)  Dad will not make an exchange after that time unless notified of traffic congestion, inclement weather or similar brief delays.



• Example 2:  Due to no show exchanges or being hours late for exchanges on {dates}, Dad will not allow exchanges after the scheduled time unless notified and agreed to beforehand in writing.

Be careful before doing this, seek local legal advice first, some judges don't want the parents going beyond the order and deciding for themselves what is too much deviation from the order.

[newlymarried]

During the school year, we have kiddo about 75% of the time. BPDxw gave up Spring Break, in that it went from 10 overnights down to 2. She didn't take kiddo for Mother's Day or 4th of July. Kiddo is safe with us during the year.

There is no child support order, at this time. I think my DH is waiting for mediation next year to bring up child support. Mediation is August of next year, so we have a year before binding mediation. This 2 year period was supposed to be a time for BPDxw to get clean and show she could care for kiddo.

I hope to start working soon so we can afford to put a lawyer on retainer to help with this.

[momtara]

Just document that she is with you, maybe get receipts of when you buy her things, take video with the date in it (that day's newspaper, whatever) to prove she has been with you.  After doing this for several weeks, you will at least have evidence that you had her.  That way, you can ask for more custody based on the fact that you end up having it anyway.

It's a double edged sword because sometimes you need the ex to help with the kid and give you a little time off, but you know you're the better parent, so you don't really want to push that.  I'm in a similar situation.  I'd rather have the kids as much as possible just because they're better off that way.  But it is frustrating when ex gives up his parenting time, which is minimal anyway.

[newlymarried]

I just wish she would walk away. Her actions have proven that kiddo isn't her priority. She puts kiddo in dangerous situations. I would adopt kiddo if I could. It is just frustrating.

Kiddo is down to have 10 second long conversations with her mom.

[livednlearned]

When is there a preponderance of evidence that BPDxw can't and won't care for SD4?

What are your goals? Do you have sole custody already? Or is it only the visitation schedule you want to change?

Document the summer as closely as you can, including all instances in which ex does not show on time, or not at all, or does not want D. Or, if there is already mediation in the works for next year, keep documenting all the way though until then. Keep all of your receipts organized so you can make a good case for child support.

Are you permitted to file a motion for change in custody before August?

[newlymarried]

The ultimate goal is to term her rights so I can adopt her. We have primary but not sole custody. BPDxw still has decision making, but she doesn't contribute to decisions. I think that in the short term, we may want to make it so BPDxw only gets kiddo every other weekend.

In the custody order, we are supposed to be able to Skype with kiddo. She has denied us that for 4 months now, except for once.

We are allowed to make changes once every 2 years, which is why we are waiting until mediation.

[livednlearned]

The ultimate goal is to term her rights so I can adopt her. We have primary but not sole custody. BPDxw still has decision making, but she doesn't contribute to decisions. I think that in the short term, we may want to make it so BPDxw only gets kiddo every other weekend.

In the custody order, we are supposed to be able to Skype with kiddo. She has denied us that for 4 months now, except for once.

We are allowed to make changes once every 2 years, which is why we are waiting until mediation.

To your question about a preponderance of evidence, I don't know that you can gauge that until it goes before a judge. You'll have to take your documentation and evidence when mediation comes around (or sooner, if something happens that counts as an emergency) and prepare the best case you can.

[ForeverDad]

Terminating a parent's rights is very hard to accomplish if the other parent is resistant to that change.  Generally extreme circumstances are involved.  Low level obstruction and minimal parenting may not be enough.  Your husband may need to increase his parenting and parental responsibility in steps and over time see how far he can go.

For example, if the schedule says he has his daughter the majority of the time during the school year but minority time during the summer, it sounds like the court was giving mother additional time to compensate for her less time during the school year.  So if she doesn't take her majority time in the summer, then he could ask for the schedule to be amended to reflect what was actually happening.  That would give him majority time throughout the year.

Second, if custody is joint and over time she obstructs his parenting or she obstructs decisions that ought to be made jointly (major medical, religious and similar matters) then he could file for sole custody, or if the court is reluctant to go that far then he could at least try for decision-making or tie-breaker.

I know, I feel for you, you care about your stepdaughter as your own and you and she are emotionally bonded whereas her bio-mother is emotionally and physically remote.  It's tough.  Adoption may work out in the future, but it may be a while, it may be a lengthy process, be prepared in case that turns out to be the case.

[newlymarried]

It isn't really low level obstruction. As a part of the parenting plan, kiddo is not allowed to be around felons. BPDxw is engaged to a known gang member with a DV and child abuse past. She has refused to update the court as to where she lives, her financials and she refuses to allow SKype because her gang banger can't afford the internet and won't her my husband actually see where kiddo is. She is living where my husband worked as a cop, and she hangs around with people that could/would love to harm a cops kid to get back at my husband for what he did on the job. She lives in the meth capital of the state, and she has been abusing meth for a majority of her life.

As a part of the parenting plan, all of her parenting time is to occur at her parents house. She essentially agreed to supervised visits, and kiddo hasn't seen her grandparents in months.

[ForeverDad]

Yes, the risks in SD's situation is worse than most described here.  At the least he has basis to return to court since she isn't complying with the current order.  He should seek the best solution as he sees it, but being aware that family court prefers not to take drastic steps in most cases, he should also be prepared with Alternate Solution 2, etc.  While this is not a time to make timid requests, he should be aware that his experience in family court may be a process and not a simple event.  Just as recovery from life with a pwBPD is a process and not an event.

[newlymarried]

We are considering starting with the Skype and saying every time she doesn't allow SKype during the visits, she owes the court $100.00. She won't pay it because rules don't apply to her. This would end up with a bench warrant for her. Once she has her first interactions with law enforcement, it will cause a lot more interactions with law enforcement.

[Her Mama]

Is this "fine" for not Skyping already in the parenting order?  As far as not following the parenting order, please keep track of every single interaction.  If she's late, make a record of it.  If she changes her visit, make a record of it.  If she denies Skype or any other type of communication that is in the court order, make a record of it.  Try using a calendar to do this (as well as a written record).  Judges have to review so much paperwork, that sometimes, a visual aid is so much more convienient and gets the point across more clearly (and fast).

As far as adoption, that is the VERY hard and long road I took.  DOT went about 6 years with zero contact and zero support, yet on my first adoption attempt, she filed saying we had denied visitation.  She made NO effort to see or enquire about my daughter.  You can't actually tell someone "no" when that person never asks... . but that is where the whole Professional Victim manipulation.  Her filing completely threw the adoption out the window and the court forced us into mediation for her to have visitation (and CHILD SUPPORT!).  In the court's view, I was nothing to my child other than a free babysitter for those 6 years.  And even though she had been arrested 53 times, and had hundreds of interactions with law enforcement, was addicted to prescription medication (along with crack and meth for which she was prostituting herself), along with no contact or support for all those years, the courts were reluctant to terminate her rights.  After she didn't follow through (again) with any visits for almost another full year, my second filing for adoption was accepted and ultimately successful.

Document EVERYTHING.  Perhaps you will have better luck than we did.

[newlymarried]

I am prepared for adoption to take a long time. I think that knowing that biomom is allergic to responsibility, imposing a fine that leads to real consequences will ultimately help her leave.