Contacted my BPDex

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

To give just a bit of background from my last thread, on Friday the 12th I was drunk and broke down and contacted my BPDex for the first time in a month.  It started out with a "hope you are well" and progressed to us talking on the phone for an hour.  In that phonecall she told me the following:

-She is leaving.  Moving towns.  Because "everything here reminds me of you"

-Additionally, she has been diagnosed with some issue involving ovarian cancer and is going to seek treatment in another town

-She DID get the surgery for her knee, which was something she had put off many times and that I was concerned about.  She has been running a lot which was always her release, is down to 115 lbs (more her normal weight) and is still eating regularly and healthily (which was an issue in the past).

-She and the new guy split 2 weeks ago.  He supposedly proposed, she told him no, and then a little while after she caught him in bed with another woman.

-Her "best friend" who I was constantly telling her was a bad influence and used her, who also came inbetween our relationship, broke into her house while she was gone and stole 8 Grand in tip money, admitted it, and told her "you deserve it because you are a bad friend" and blocked her number.

-She is going to start neurofeedback therapy once more because she "wants to fix this, and move on with my life and be happy".

-She was in the process as we spoke of moving all of her things out because she had given her 30 days notice and her landlord( a 19 yr old girl who also seems a little nuts) pulled some BS and wanted her out that night (who knows the real story).

-According to her, she never slept with the new guy (it was a LDR) and hasn't slept with anyone since me.  She said it felt really good and that she was proud of it.

I also kinda of bared my heart to her and told her that my greatest fear had been her riding off into the sunset with the new guy, it having all worked out fine.

I talked to her via text most of the week, that friday-wednesday or so.  I decided on that Sunday that I was going to take a trip to my college town (where she is this summer) to see some friends and attend a weekly street music concert they hold on Thursday (the day after we quit talking).  It is right on the main street where the bar is that she works, and I was hoping I wouldn't see her.  I made the stupid mistake of telling her that I would be in town. Fortunately,  a close friend agreed to come with.

We got there and went to the street music concert with some of the guys from my Fraternity.  They were 21 and headed into the bar where she worked for about 1.5 hours.  I was outside on the street talking to people when I got a text from her saying "Could I come over to the (fraternity) house and party tonight without it being awkward?". I told her "nope.  you work till 3 AM and they are my friends and my house.  No reason in the world for you to be there." Apparently when the guys were in the bar she asked them "I heard you guys are partying tonight, can I come over?".  They told her that she needed to ask me since it was my house and I was there for the weekend.

We all ended up back at the Fraternity house partying.  It was a great time, there were new people there, new girls to talk to, and overall it was a great time. AAAAAANNNNDDDDD then... .

One of the guys that went into the bar calls me over and says "dude we talked to BPDex... . she says she is engaged."  BOOM.  Crushed.  I spent the rest of the night thinking and talking about her and what a bhit she was to anyone who would listen.  Saying "She is engaged after 3 months? Yeah, THATS gonna work. amiright?".  I actually spent a bit of time talking to a guy who had always been something of a dick to her while we dated.  Always saying she was a cheater and a liar.  In reality, he was right the entire time, but I disliked him for saying those things about her while we dated.  He was in the bar as well and talked to her, and she told him she was engaged because the new guy was committing to be with her through the cancer for better or worse, etc.  He told me he thinks she is full of .  He said that she has FASCINATED him because she is one of the best liars he has ever met.  He thinks she is lying in saying she is engaged and maybe even about the cancer.

I sent her a text saying "you are engaged to <new guy>? LOL! lying as always.  Have fun with another failed marriage"

I proceeded to get absolutely  hammered and told arguably the hottest chick (who had a boyfriend too) at the party that "I am out of your league" among other funny things with other people.  At about 3 am when she got off, I texted my BPDex "don't even have anything to say huh" and she replied "Haha, I was wondering what would and wouldn't get back to you". I sent several drunk texts back which went unanswered (even one as low as "I am sleeping on the sheets we always had sex on"... . I don't know what I was thinking, I wasn't really).  The next morning I sent her a text that said something to the effect of, "Stay out of my life and away from my friends. I don't want anything to do with you.  Go live your own ty life with the ty people in it".  I blocked her number going both ways, so she cannot contact me and so I cannot contact her if I ever got drunk or lonely or for any other reason.

I asked one of the guys who was living in the Fraternity house (and has been all summer, just like she has been there all summer) "has she ever asked to hang out or come over before this weekend?" and he said no.

I found out the next day that she told one of the guys that she was engaged and another that she wasn't.

I talked to several friends and also to my Therapist.  My therapist told me that she thinks my BPDex is full of it as well.  Not only about being engaged, but about having cancer.  They way my ex described it, she said, "I have a very mild form of cancer.  :)on't panic".  I asked her, "is it the ovarian cysts again?" and she said yes.  She has told me while we dated she had issues with that before.  My Therapist made the point that there is no such thing as a "mild" form of Ovarian Cancer.  She also pointed out all the hooks my BPDex cast out in the phone call we had with the "everything here reminds me of you" and "I haven't slept with anyone else".

I just feel horribly manipulated.  I was back in town around friends having a great time and my BPDex found a way to get to me, to ruin my night and make it all about her WITHOUT EVEN BEING THERE. I want nothing to do with the bhit ever again.  I am actually terrified of her.  I know what she is capable of doing to me mentally, and I want her to stay far, far away.  I hope to god she DOES move away like she said she will.

I mean, she told me a week prior that the new guy proposed and she said no and caught him cheating.  Per some advice in my last thread, I called her out and said I doubted they broke up and if they did that she was the one who got caught cheating. She got super offended and we quit talking for the day.  A week later she tells my friends that she is engaged because she knows it will get back to me.  The text "haha i was wondering what would and wouldn't get back to you" proves it in my mind.

I am just so tired of it.  I am tired of caring about this girl and the messed up world she lives in.  I was listening to that song Gravedigger by the Band Perry on the radio the other day and there is a line that goes something like "I meant those vows when I took your name". It made me think about how she has already been married once, and engaged like 2-3 other times.  It all seems like such a big joke to her.  Like oh, this sounds good and fun, lets do it, and then when she gets bored its jump ship.


The day after I was hanging with a group of girls who were at the party the night prior (the 'I'm out of your league' girl included) and one of them started talking about how on facebook my BPDex got a matching tattoo with one of their friends (who was the girl my BPDex had a fling with while we dated).  I really didn't want to hear anything about her but they shared that they got keys on their wrists.  I laughed and asked if they were in white ink.  The girls looked at me kind of funnily and said no, black.  why?  I said "my ex got the key there to cover up the scars from where she has cut. She told me she was going to get that while we dated". They were all kind of taken aback.


I just want to get on with my life.  I go back to college in a month now and I want to start fresh and meet new people and never hear or see from my BPDex again.  I don't want to hear about her from other people. I want my mind to be on different things instead of her like it has been for the past 3 months.

Does what she did look like crazy manipulation to anyone else? Am I going crazy here?

[Octoberfest]

To give just a bit of background from my last thread, on Friday the 12th I was drunk and broke down and contacted my BPDex for the first time in a month.  It started out with a "hope you are well" and progressed to us talking on the phone for an hour.  In that phonecall she told me the following:

-She is leaving.  Moving towns.  Because "everything here reminds me of you"

-Additionally, she has been diagnosed with some issue involving ovarian cancer and is going to seek treatment in another town

-She DID get the surgery for her knee, which was something she had put off many times and that I was concerned about.  She has been running a lot which was always her release, is down to 115 lbs (more her normal weight) and is still eating regularly and healthily (which was an issue in the past).

-She and the new guy split 2 weeks ago.  He supposedly proposed, she told him no, and then a little while after she caught him in bed with another woman.

-Her "best friend" who I was constantly telling her was a bad influence and used her, who also came inbetween our relationship, broke into her house while she was gone and stole 8 Grand in tip money, admitted it, and told her "you deserve it because you are a bad friend" and blocked her number.

-She is going to start neurofeedback therapy once more because she "wants to fix this, and move on with my life and be happy".

-She was in the process as we spoke of moving all of her things out because she had given her 30 days notice and her landlord( a 19 yr old girl who also seems a little nuts) pulled some BS and wanted her out that night (who knows the real story).

-According to her, she never slept with the new guy (it was a LDR) and hasn't slept with anyone since me.  She said it felt really good and that she was proud of it.

I also kinda of bared my heart to her and told her that my greatest fear had been her riding off into the sunset with the new guy, it having all worked out fine.

I talked to her via text most of the week, that friday-wednesday or so.  I decided on that Sunday that I was going to take a trip to my college town (where she is this summer) to see some friends and attend a weekly street music concert they hold on Thursday (the day after we quit talking).  It is right on the main street where the bar is that she works, and I was hoping I wouldn't see her.  I made the stupid mistake of telling her that I would be in town. Fortunately,  a close friend agreed to come with.

We got there and went to the street music concert with some of the guys from my Fraternity.  They were 21 and headed into the bar where she worked for about 1.5 hours.  I was outside on the street talking to people when I got a text from her saying "Could I come over to the (fraternity) house and party tonight without it being awkward?". I told her "nope.  you work till 3 AM and they are my friends and my house.  No reason in the world for you to be there." Apparently when the guys were in the bar she asked them "I heard you guys are partying tonight, can I come over?".  They told her that she needed to ask me since it was my house and I was there for the weekend.

We all ended up back at the Fraternity house partying.  It was a great time, there were new people there, new girls to talk to, and overall it was a great time. AAAAAANNNNDDDDD then... .

One of the guys that went into the bar calls me over and says "dude we talked to BPDex... . she says she is engaged."  BOOM.  Crushed.  I spent the rest of the night thinking and talking about her and what a bhit she was to anyone who would listen.  Saying "She is engaged after 3 months? Yeah, THATS gonna work. amiright?".  I actually spent a bit of time talking to a guy who had always been something of a dick to her while we dated.  Always saying she was a cheater and a liar.  In reality, he was right the entire time, but I disliked him for saying those things about her while we dated.  He was in the bar as well and talked to her, and she told him she was engaged because the new guy was committing to be with her through the cancer for better or worse, etc.  He told me he thinks she is full of .  He said that she has FASCINATED him because she is one of the best liars he has ever met.  He thinks she is lying in saying she is engaged and maybe even about the cancer.

I sent her a text saying "you are engaged to <new guy>? LOL! lying as always.  Have fun with another failed marriage"

I proceeded to get absolutely  hammered and told arguably the hottest chick (who had a boyfriend too) at the party that "I am out of your league" among other funny things with other people.  At about 3 am when she got off, I texted my BPDex "don't even have anything to say huh" and she replied "Haha, I was wondering what would and wouldn't get back to you". I sent several drunk texts back which went unanswered (even one as low as "I am sleeping on the sheets we always had sex on"... . I don't know what I was thinking, I wasn't really).  The next morning I sent her a text that said something to the effect of, "Stay out of my life and away from my friends. I don't want anything to do with you.  Go live your own ty life with the ty people in it".  I blocked her number going both ways, so she cannot contact me and so I cannot contact her if I ever got drunk or lonely or for any other reason.

I asked one of the guys who was living in the Fraternity house (and has been all summer, just like she has been there all summer) "has she ever asked to hang out or come over before this weekend?" and he said no.

I found out the next day that she told one of the guys that she was engaged and another that she wasn't.

I talked to several friends and also to my Therapist.  My therapist told me that she thinks my BPDex is full of it as well.  Not only about being engaged, but about having cancer.  They way my ex described it, she said, "I have a very mild form of cancer.  :)on't panic".  I asked her, "is it the ovarian cysts again?" and she said yes.  She has told me while we dated she had issues with that before.  My Therapist made the point that there is no such thing as a "mild" form of Ovarian Cancer.  She also pointed out all the hooks my BPDex cast out in the phone call we had with the "everything here reminds me of you" and "I haven't slept with anyone else".

I just feel horribly manipulated.  I was back in town around friends having a great time and my BPDex found a way to get to me, to ruin my night and make it all about her WITHOUT EVEN BEING THERE. I want nothing to do with the bhit ever again.  I am actually terrified of her.  I know what she is capable of doing to me mentally, and I want her to stay far, far away.  I hope to god she DOES move away like she said she will.

I mean, she told me a week prior that the new guy proposed and she said no and caught him cheating.  Per some advice in my last thread, I called her out and said I doubted they broke up and if they did that she was the one who got caught cheating. She got super offended and we quit talking for the day.  A week later she tells my friends that she is engaged because she knows it will get back to me.  The text "haha i was wondering what would and wouldn't get back to you" proves it in my mind.

I am just so tired of it.  I am tired of caring about this girl and the messed up world she lives in.  I was listening to that song Gravedigger by the Band Perry on the radio the other day and there is a line that goes something like "I meant those vows when I took your name". It made me think about how she has already been married once, and engaged like 2-3 other times.  It all seems like such a big joke to her.  Like oh, this sounds good and fun, lets do it, and then when she gets bored its jump ship.


The day after I was hanging with a group of girls who were at the party the night prior (the 'I'm out of your league' girl included) and one of them started talking about how on facebook my BPDex got a matching tattoo with one of their friends (who was the girl my BPDex had a fling with while we dated).  I really didn't want to hear anything about her but they shared that they got keys on their wrists.  I laughed and asked if they were in white ink.  The girls looked at me kind of funnily and said no, black.  why?  I said "my ex got the key there to cover up the scars from where she has cut. She told me she was going to get that while we dated". They were all kind of taken aback.


I just want to get on with my life.  I go back to college in a month now and I want to start fresh and meet new people and never hear or see from my BPDex again.  I don't want to hear about her from other people. I want my mind to be on different things instead of her like it has been for the past 3 months.

Does what she did look like crazy manipulation to anyone else? Am I going crazy here?

[empower-me]

IMO,

I think you knew you'd be taking a gamble in seeing her and knowingly being in the area where she was.  Your friends in the bar and you in the general vicinity of where she was is just asking for trouble ya no?

It sounds to me like you really did want to see her but didn't want to admit it and it went from bad to worse.

You and her were talking and texting and then you go there to party and then not go in to see her?  It does'nt make any sense on the outside looking in.

I see a lot of mixed signals here and it screams "I still love you!" so she knew she could manipulate you in a big way and did just that.

You might as well just went in the bar and had a face to face with her and got on with your night.   It just got out of control with the text from her and how she got under your skin and that pretty much created more drama for you that you didn't need.

I know you probably didn't want to hear that but I think you set yourself up for this evening of events.

It sounds like you still really care about her and wish you would of done things differently too... . no?

If you really are done with it this time i'd make sure to avoid the area where she is and works so you aren't able to get sucked back into it again.

Blocking her calls is a start but considering the type of pull you two have with each other, I don't know if it will last.  Do you really think it will?

Your r/s sounds so hot and heavy, I mean, the standard BPD r/s that has your head reeling and it is so hard to stop that cycle... .   kind of an adrenaline rush within itself. No wonder they are so addicting! 

You can learn alot of  stuff from the post you just shared by reading your own decisions and how it got to that point.  I wouldn't be so pissed off at what happened... . Use it as a learning tool and try to avoid making the same mistakes so you don't get so caught up in the drama... .

Hope you are doing better tonight... .     e-m

[Octoberfest]

I am not 21. I couldn't go into the bar if I had wanted to. And, standing outside of it, even iif I was 21, you couldn't have paid me to go in there. I have to disagree with a lot of your post.  I agree that I sent her signals I was still on the lline, but what exactly was I supposed to do? Never step foot back into my college town where I will be returning to in a month for classes because she lives there? That is asinine IMO. I'm not going to stop living my life or limiting it because my ex lives in the same town

[recoil]

A guy walks into his Doc's office.  ":)oc, it hurts when I hit myself with a hammer."

The Doc says, ":)on't hit yourself with a hammer."

You're not denying yourself a life by avoiding her.  You're avoiding the pain that comes along with being near a disordered person.  And you're not doing this permanently.  You do this until you've healed.  When you are totally indifferent to her, you can do whatever you want -- and she can do whatever she wants, and you'll feel nothing or close to it.

Kudos for not allowing her to party at your place.  I think that's a very good sign and start.  Kudos for blocking.  Stay blocked.

I called her cancer bogus on an earlier post.  Mine falsely accused people of raping her.  These kinds of stories are BPD 101, unfortunately.

Do you accept that she is emotionally challenged?  Do you get that she's sick?  Sick people do sick things.  Don't think of it as manipulation.  She's not running a "game" on you.  She's only doing what her mind thinks she should -- and it's a disordered mind (odds are, based on what you said, as I can't diagnose anyone).  You can't rationalize her.  You're not disordered.  You'll drive yourself crazy trying to make sense of it.  Don't try.  Stop.  Walk away.  Stay away.  Don't look back.

Don't hit yourself with the hammer.

[Trick1004]

Hell ya, it looks like she is manipulating you but you are letting her do it. Reread your original post, does it sound like it was written by someone moving on?

All of us here in one form or another know how hard it is to let go and we've all had our weak moments. We have to ask ourselves knowing from first-hand experience in a r/s with our exBPD's, if this is something we want to get dragged back into? On some level or another we all know it isn't.

It's going to be up to you to cut her out of your life if that is what you want, on some level she knows you're still hooked on her and until you aren't she's going to keep reeling you along. Is that a life you want to keep living? In my opinion you just need to vanish from her life, go NC and anything she sends your way immediately delete.

Right now you're playing a game where she sets the rules and you are never going to win. At some point you'll realize it and just walk away.

Good luck, keep posting (we all have the same crap going on and are here to help), and stay strong!     

[empower-me]

You are so young... . and have your whole life ahead of you!

I understand the situation a bit better now.  Thanks for the clarity.

Well, if you are fed up and can stick to your guns, then I say... .   Good for you! And go for it dude!

You're off to a good start with blocking her number and now you just have to block her out of your brain.

Stay strong.  e-m

[Octoberfest]

A guy walks into his Doc's office.  ":)oc, it hurts when I hit myself with a hammer."

The Doc says, ":)on't hit yourself with a hammer."

You're not denying yourself a life by avoiding her.  You're avoiding the pain that comes along with being near a disordered person.  And you're not doing this permanently.  You do this until you've healed.  When you are totally indifferent to her, you can do whatever you want -- and she can do whatever she wants, and you'll feel nothing or close to it.

Kudos for not allowing her to party at your place.  I think that's a very good sign and start.  Kudos for blocking.  Stay blocked.

I called her cancer bogus on an earlier post.  Mine falsely accused people of raping her.  These kinds of stories are BPD 101, unfortunately.



Do you accept that she is emotionally challenged?  Do you get that she's sick?  Sick people do sick things.  Don't think of it as manipulation.  She's not running a "game" on you.  She's only doing what her mind thinks she should -- and it's a disordered mind (odds are, based on what you said, as I can't diagnose anyone).  You can't rationalize her.  You're not disordered.  You'll drive yourself crazy trying to make sense of it.  Don't try.  Stop.  Walk away.  Stay away.  Don't look back.

Don't hit yourself with the hammer.

All,

When i look back at my post I DO see someone who was reaching back out to my BPDex (she is diagnosed btw). I have done some thinking on the issue... . In many ways I have been grieving the past 2-3 months as though she has died, which in a way she has.  My BPDex as I knew her is dead.  I think by reaching back out to my BPDex, I was searching for some glimpse of the person that I used to know and love. Prior to reaching back out to her drunk on the 12th, I had been NC with her for almost a month. I had been trying, but really I was harboring that hope in my heart still. It was absolutely a mistake telling her i would be in town. That WAS me fishing, telling her I was still hooked and looking for her to do something. No more.  This weekend was a pretty defining two days for me. I saw that she would still make an effort to reach out and touch me, in what she new was a negative way.  It showed a maliciousness in her that I had denied existed for so long.

As far as avoiding her, I will not be 21 for another 7 months, and will not have the opportunity to go to the bar at all and possibly see her.  She isn't enrolled in classes for this coming semester, and if she dares to come around the fraternity house on the grounds of "just wanting to see everyone else there" or any other BS, I will haul her ass out of there real quick like.  The only reason she was ever around or associated with ANYONE else in that group was due to dating me.  She is supposedly leaving on Sept 10th for a 6 week trip overseas with her grandfather (which just leads me to have more hope that it won't fall through and that she will actually be gone).  She was saying she was moving towns after getting back (which I again hope is true).  At this point, I am just sick of her.  I am sick of thinking about nothing but her. I am sick of randomly remembering different events during our relationship which drag up hurt and feelings of betrayal and put me in a foul mood. I have no social media accounts, her number is blocked, and her email address is blocked so any incoming emails are automatically deleted. I don't want to hear anything she has to say or hear anything about what she is doing from other people... . Partly because I want to be done with her and partly because I am afraid of what that sort of information will do to the part of me that is still attached.  It is funny... . it doesn't seem that the part that is still attached is connected by love or lust. It feels more like addiction than anything. For so long I worried and stressed over what she was or wasn't doing and who with.  I think I still harbor a lot of feelings of betrayal that I need to bring to the surface and be done with.  In fact, half an hour ago I was watching a show on TV and there was a scene at a baseball field where a kid asked a question about playing right field.  It immediately brought me back to a weekend spent in her hometown for a softball tournament and how she spent a lot of it avoiding me, ignoring my calls, and hanging with a girl that came with us who she had a lesbian affair/fling with while we were together.  All of the hurt and betrayal and worry that I felt that entire weekend came right back up and has been festering. I am so hiting tired of this.

I DO want to disappear from her life, and by blocking her from contacting me (and from me her) I am trying to accomplish that. I don't want to keep checking up and keeping tabs on her, and I am doing my best to avoid it.  Kinda like I said, looking at her facebook and asking around is how I got the real story and put together all the lies she told while we dated.  Getting out of that habit is tough. 

It is one thing to have the willpower/to prevent oneself from doing those things.  It is an entirely different one to NOT WANT to do those things. THAT is where I am trying to get to and be.  This weekend that I wrote about showed me that she can only have a negative influence in my life at this point.  Trying to "be friends" or have any contact with her is only prolonging my own pain and suffering.  She doesn't deserve to be friends with me and have that comfort after what she did to me and put me through.

[LosingIt2]

You're pretty freaking young, some of this is just par for the course, honestly. You say you want to block her from contacting you, but you're the one who contacted her, after you made the decision to end the relationship. It seems like you're willingly perpetuating the drama. The sooner you remove yourself from the situation completely the sooner you're going to recover. You have time to work on yourself and meet someone who's more mature eventually.

[causticdork]

I feel for you, dude.  This is why someone really needs to figure out a Smartphone breathalyzer app that won't allow you to text/call certain numbers if you've been drinking.  I've done the moment of weakness drunk text to the ex more than once in my youth.  It'll be okay, and you'll be okay.   

[Octoberfest]

You're pretty freaking young, some of this is just par for the course, honestly. You say you want to block her from contacting you, but you're the one who contacted her, after you made the decision to end the relationship. It seems like you're willingly perpetuating the drama. The sooner you remove yourself from the situation completely the sooner you're going to recover. You have time to work on yourself and meet someone who's more mature eventually.

As I said in the addendum to the OP, yes I did contact her. There was a holdout part in me that yearned for what I thought I had with her. Yeah, I was perpetuating the drama... . I think maybe here I was looking for my BPDex to be an adult about the situation.  Solid plan, expecting that from a BPD right?


Just ready to be done. I don't want to have this person influence my life in any way big or small in the future. I don't want to meet people and have them bring her up.

[jollygreen]

My exBPDgf said she had an ovarian cysts too. And that's the reason why she treated me poorly towards the end. We all know that's a sack o' lies! And I knew that time too and wanted to shout out "you gots BPD fooh!" Because I would like to think a normal cysts situation would go "I'm so sorry I treated you poorly. Let me take my meds, get better, and we can work on us because I love you." Instead it was "see yuh!"

So in conclusion, excuses and mind games. And oh yeah anyone ever obviously call out their mind games and they say "no, I never play games."?

[LosingIt2]

I don't really see much difference in either behaviors. Just because you believe her to have BPD doesn't automatically make her the one in the wrong. In other words, you can only control your behavior, I would do that if I were you.