Miserable and confused

[Jhensohn]

Dear all

I'm not even sure where to begin. I feel so miserable and confused. I have made a true mess of my life.

I've been married for eight years. Since September of last year I've been separated. Last June I met this beautiful Asian woman. She was very accomplished in my field and we really seem to click. The beginning was so wonderful. I had never been so much in love in my life. We would talk for hours everyday.

We lived and llive in different states. We are both musicians and set up many concerts together. Soon she started pressuring me for sex. She told me she never done that with anybody though many had wanted to do it with her. If I loved her why can't I do it she would say. When I would say no she would sulk or shake or threaten to leave me. Eventually I gave in. To some degree I gave her mixed signals because when we were apart I would say I think I could do it as she would nag so much and I just missed her so and wanted things to be great again. But when we met I would say no or try to make up an excuse because I would feel so uncomfortable.

Then there was a job interview she made me give up. Once in a little room she bit herself on her wrists and arms really hard because she was so sad and Unhappy that someone mentioned my child while she was around.

The bottom line is I feel during the year I came to sacrifice almost everything that defined who I was and that give my life meaning. I thought it was worth it because I loved her so much I thought.

More and more she was always pointing out things I was doing wrong. I was trying so hard I felt I was sacrificing everything for her. I felt like the smallest thing just set around for days and she would not talk about anything else except a little thing that I had done wrong.

Eventually things started to feel so wrong I felt something was going on, I was in despair. I went and checked her email as she had given me her password in order to log on to her network and saw that she lied about some important things.

In April she left me, she said I had hurt her so many times she did not want to be hurt anymore. She just totally stopped communicating with me. I had been sure she would never leave, she told me many times I was the love of her life and tha she had given me her first night. But she did it. She said she gave me many chances but I did not appreciate those.

My therapist thinks this woman has BPD. We talked about how my career family and faith have always been three pillars for me. After I met this woman I slowly gave up all three and clung to her. Then she cut me off and now I feel I have nothing. I feel hardly any joy longer, things don't matter as much.

What I've read about BPD does seem to fit her perfectly, though I have no idea if she has slept with other men. But sometimes I think that maybe I'm crazy since I can't let go. Maybe I really misunderstood something and maybe this is all my fault. Maybe she is right.

Sometimes I think my situation is so messed up that I can't go on. I used to be so pure, so enthusiastic, so idealistic. I've done lots of therapy. I've talked to a couple of friends. I don't know.

[Jhensohn]

Dear all,

Sorry for the previous rambling message. The truth is I'm trying to figure out the following:

-How a woman in her early 30's who claims she gave me her first night, who said she wanted to marry me if only I was divorced could break off contact with me so easily and not even care about me any more?

-How I could allow myself to stray from my marriage and religious beliefs so far and be sucked in so much that I did things I would have never imagined myself doing?

-Why I can't let go of this woman, despite how awful and abused I felt treated at times? Why do I keep calling and emailing her? Even though my friends and therapist tell me not to? I even went to Canada a couple of weeks ago to see her.

-Why did she pressure me for two months to have sex with her and threaten to end things if I did not oblige? Why did she never respect my no? Why did she not show understanding towards my position?

-Why did she pressure me to give up a job interview I really was looking forward to and really wanted to take?

-How could she be writing sweet loving emails many times a day to a colleague of hers while writing me in such a cold way, blaming me constantly for various things?

-How could she so often for days refuse to pick up my calls and answer my emails when we were apart, but then insist on having sex when we saw each other? Why would everything be fine for her when we were together and so opposite when we were apart?

-After I realized I was so in love with her, I seperated from my wife and began the divorce process (it takes a year in my faith). Why did she keep her boyfriend (also lived in a different state) and still kept on sharing a bed with him when he came to visit? She claimed that they were not even kissing, but I found myself believing that less and less. I could never understand why she kept her bf (she would often speak badly about him).

-Why did I end up giving up my marriage (that obviously had its problems before we met), my job interview, big parts of my career, risking professional contacts to make her happy while she to my knowledge sacrificed nothing tangible (though she did obviously sacrifice much time and sometimes $$$ to come visit me).

I"m SO confused. I had many dark thoughts today. Please help me understand.

[Jhensohn]

Today when biking home I found myself wishing partialy that a car would run me over. I just called the national suicide hotline and they told me to focus on something positive in my life.

I don't know that it is right to blame the BPD woman, but the bottom line is that I feel my very lifeblood has been sucked out.

[cska]

Hey John! I'm so sorry that you're going through so much. What you describe sounds like textbook BPD. I've also experienced these exact same things with my ex. She changed me. Before I met her, I was so enthusiastic about life, so idealistic. I thought she was the love of my life, I wanted to be with her forever. But she started treating me in such a cruel way. She told me to give up my career b/c she ws jealous of me, even though she knew that I really liked the line of work that I was in and couldn't imagine myself doing anything else. I knew I had to leave bc she was making me insane, but I felt trapped bc without her my life felt bleak and pointless. It took me a long to leave... .

You ponder why a women who you though loved you could treat you so poorly, and the answer to that is that she is seriously mentally ill. Her mind works in a different way, its impossible for a non to fully relate to a pwBPD.

You're not alone John, read through some of the posts on BPD family. When I was in pain I actually also fantasied bout being hit by a car. But it does get better. Its not just saying that to make you feel better, I lived through it. At times I was in so much pain that I wanted to die. But over time, the pain went away. I still get sad, but the pain is not as intense.

Don't blame yourself, be kind to yourself. Spend time in a nurturing environment, with friends or family, it really helps.

You're not alone in this, keep posting on BPD family. I understand what you're going through, and most of the people on here do too. Hang in there buddy  

[Jhensohn]

Dear Moderator,

I think I'm on the right board. My BPD has said she does not love or care about me anymore. She said this in April and said it in July when I surprised her by showing up in Canada. (When I visited her in Canada, she was cold but still spoke to me for a few hours, but almost only about what a friend of hers I had talked to had said about her... . that's all she wanted to talk about). Even though I'm having a awful time letting go, I just figured it was over because she does not want anymore. That's why I think I'm on the right board.

However, of course I still do have a big part of me that so wants her back (even though I know this would be bad).

[Jhensohn]

Dear cska,

Thank you so very much for your kind and warm reply. Thank you for taking the time to write me. It really meant a lot.

John

[cska]

-How could she so often for days refuse to pick up my calls and answer my emails when we were apart, but then insist on having sex when we saw each other? Why would everything be fine for her when we were together and so opposite when we were apart?

John, read through this thread:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=70884.0

I think it will answer your question perfectly!

The lack of object constancy in my ex really caused me a lot of pain. I though I was going crazy, I couldn't make sense of it... . Hang in there!