young adult with mother with BPD

[ashlee1991]

hello im 21 years old and a recent college graduate. due to the economy i still live with my parents which wouldn't be that bad except that my mom has borderline personality disorder. currently my family is in a state of transition. My dad has decided that he can't live with it anymore and he's leaving her. he told her about this 2 years ago but because of finances he was unable to physically leave until now. needless to say my mom is not taking it too well. because she didn't take him seriously she doesn't have a well paying job and is now forced to move into my grandfathers who she doesn't get along with. its' becoming unbearable to live with her because she is constantly attacking my dad to me and my younger sister. to say my parents don't get along is the understatement of the century she believes he is abandoning her and so she takes her anger out of me and my sister by telling us all of their private things and yelling at us for my dad wanting to leave. i feel like im the parent in the household because im taking care of everything as well as being her emotional blanket. I just need some advice on how to cope for the next month or so until my dad moves out and i can get some peace.

thank you

[vivekananda]

Hi ashlee 

I am glad you have found us here, you are in a safe place where there are people who understand.

You are probably feeling really hurt about the situation you find yourself in and deeply sad too. It is a difficult situation to feel that as a young woman you are put in the position of being the parent in the house.

One of the first things we learn here is how to take care of ourselves. Is there anyone who can support you in person at the moment. Are you seeing a therapist perhaps? Or is there someone in your family you can call on who understands the position you are in?

Here are some links that may help you understand your situation better and give you some tools to work with.

Workshop - US: What it means to be in the “FOG”

BOUNDARIES: Upholding our values and independence

There is much more available to us here in this site and I would like to encourage you to explore the articles and workshops here. We also have the forums where we can seek support and guidance form our peers, those who can understand best how it feels. Have a look around.

Are there any questions you would like us to answer?


Vivek  

[StarStruck]

Hi Ashlee, 

I really feel for you I had upheavel like you are going through. Like Vivek ananda said to see someone face to face would be great support for you going through this; there will be the support go to a doc for a referral.

(I didn't seek advice when I went through this (as I didn't know what 'this' was), quite a while ago and dealt with it by trying to escape with friends and going a lot. I was very confused about the relationship with my mom. As I had no idea what moms prob was, I didn't know where to seek help. I just knew I wasn't nuts.)

It's really important you don't loose yourself to all this mayhem, so you can reach your potential and be the person you deserve to be. This is a lot of pressure on you. I can sympathesis with you having the parent feeling, it's very odd.

Another point to consider; if a person is brought up with a borderline or NPD they run a risk of dating partners with these chracteristics; the exposure you have had will make you patient and forgiving to the problems of these disordered individuals. giving you more patience than you should for the rubbish.

I am a 'non', confident adult however my dating history from college years onwards; 1) borderline, 2) borderline 3) NPD. Suffering a number of abusive work situations also. I have done a ton of reading and now trusting my instincts that were there all along, I always went against them.doh.

Is there any chance that you and your sister can join your dad? whereever he may go. I have a feeling that once he's gone she could still be a problem for you girls. You will still have a relationship with your dad and she may take this out of you.

I would get some good literature. I haven't been on this site long but I have already seen good texts that are suggested, obviously don't let her find the book for chuffs sake. Get to a point where you really understand how she ticks so then you are the one that has control. Watch out for narcissitic supply: read up about this = When the knife goes in when you are least expecting it in retaliation for a remark that you didn't think was the least bit offensive; 'Trending on eggshells'. You are prob already aware but she is highly insecure. Maintaining her ego at all costs. Let what she says wash over you, she is ill, never forget that. It helps me to remind myself that mine is mental, that she can't help it. Like I'm a carer in an old peoples mental home. just smile on the inside when she trying to gain 'supply' of you.   

I have a good relationship with my dad better than if he'd stayed with her. & you WILL come out of this! and discover the amazing strong person you are, more and more. Very important to NOT let your experience allow you to have patient with anymore lunatics though. So your life is yours and how it should be.

This is a good resource www.lightshouse.org . It tell you about parents types etc... . takes a bit of wading through but good info in there.

All the best with this, missful x 

[StarStruck]

additional mail!... . interestingly my mom didn't get on with her dad either. I would put money on it though that my grand dad was a NPD - also he couldn't stand his mom (his only caregiver)

It trickles down like a tree of nastiness. Swallowing the nice people on the way. (A classic combo though apparently is a NPD with a borderline in a relationship.)

I sat down an did my family tree once with this in mind... . it was a eye opener.

byeeeee x

[Calsun]

Hi ashlee1991,

Thanks for sharing.  Sorry that you are going through this.  It's great that you have these insights about your mother so early, so that you can avoid patterns that might hurt you going forward.  It sounds like your father is healthier than your mother and that he has managed to get away from her.  Is it possible that you can stay with your father a little while until you get your own place, or is it possible that you have a healthy friend with whom you can spend some time?  Can you talk to your father and get parental validation of your mother's disease?

It really is a great thing to work with a counselor or a therapist and to get support.  Finding someone who can help and be a good resource could be incredibly helpful.  Make sure it's someone who you feel comfortable with.

My experience is that the sooner you can establish some physical distance from your mother the better.  You've been exposed to her behavior for a lot of childhood years, and mind over matter only works to a certain degree.  Finding a way out of so much physical contact, being out of ear shot of her distortining words, is very important.

The Best,

Calsun