After 14 months NC she has emailed

[Seb]

Wow - she has contacted me. I NEVER, EVER thought I'd see this day. I was dumped just as we were meant to be moving in together and her coming out to her family. She went NC immediately as I really struggled.

So... . after 14 months of complete silence (bar a few anonymous text last Xmas and an accidental Instagram 'like' she has emailed me tonight. My heart was in my mouth when I saw her name pop up and all the old stress signals from last year came back - shaking, nausea etc. It was short, just said:

Hey Seb, how are you? I miss you.

So they do come back. I never thought I'd ever hear from her again. As far as I was concerned she hated me, thought I was crazy and never wanted to see or speak to me again. She dumped me completely out of the blue (to my face was so apologetic for being a coward) then trashed me to people, deleted me from Facebook, twitter, Skype, you name it. It was like she was trying to delete every single reminder of me, like

I didn't exist. We saw each other a few months back in a food and drink festival and she stood about 5ft from me chatting to someone for almost 30 minutes and totally blanked me, didn't say a word. I'm not vulnerable for a recycle. I know too much about her illness and what I'd be letting myself in for if ever I let her back in. I still have love for her, but I will never let anyone put me through all that again.

This contact baffles me... .  I know that's what they're famous for, but never thought she would.

[Dave44]

Wow really? This really interests me actually. My ex BRUTALLY dumped me and cut me out of her life in every single way shape and form 8 months ago. I have never heard a single peep from her since -- ever. I am 110% certain that I will never hear from her again but this post makes me wonder... .

[Seb]

Dave, trust me, I used to think my ex would NEVER contact me. EVER. Like you, I was cut out cold. As she was telling me she was in love with me "in every possible way" she dumped me and cut me out completely. It was extremely cruel. I was searching for answers and the more I did the more she seemed to use it as ammunition against me. Last year I would have done anything to hear from her... . but this tonight, this really p's me off actually. I can't believe that she has the cheek to just waltz back in to my life after being so cruel and uncaring last year. I was dying every day and she did not care one jot. So ... . 14 months down the line, I'm glad to say she has no grip on me anymore. I've learned too much about the illness to know this isn't real... . it's her illness talking and her wanting to be needed. She doesn't care about me or miss me in the way that I deserve. Sucks. But wow, this mental illness definitely has a pattern.

[Seb]

I didn't reply to the message... . so tonight I have another email:

Hello Seb, did you get the email that I sent the other day? How are you? Can we chat at some point? x

Arghhh! What is it with her, thinking she can just show up after making me feel invisible for more than a year?

[seeking balance]

In a weird way, it is validating, huh?

So, you probably know a mini round of grief is heading your way, thus the anger.

How do you plan to stay out of the FOG?

[Seb]

Thanks for taking the time to reply SB. I think I'm already at anger. I don't think I could be sold a sob story by her.

I really do plan to stay out of the FOG... . by reminding myself that she didn't really love me the way she said she did, or the way that I'd want. Her love was based on need. When I needed her she was nowhere to be seen. Her emailing now has nothing to do with concern or love for me - she wasn't in the least bit concerned when I was dying (almost!) last summer.

I'm not going to reply. I just keep reminding myself of the person she showed herself to be over the last 14 months. I always told her she had the kindest heart... . well, how could I ever think that now? I could never trust her or believe a single word that came out of her mouth. If she emails again, I will ignore that too. I don't want to re-engage or recycle.

These emails are infuriating, but yes, validating in some weird way. This disorder really has a pattern. The only thing that seems to vary is the timeframe.

Throws up all horrible feelings tho, real PTSD reactions. I've been shaking again tonight.

[seeking balance]

What, exactly, do you feel?

Logically, you know she is sick, you have the discipline not to respond... . have you deleted the emails yet? 

[Seb]

I guess seeing her name drags up a lot of hurt from last year, a lot of really bad feelings - feeling unlovable and rejected and totally betrayed by someone that I trusted and loved. Also, I think I often forget that she is disordered and I push ahead thinking she's functioning on the same level as me - that's probably why it stings so much. Just seeing her name flash up makes me feel all at sea again: I feel anxious, shaky, nauseated and there's the pit in my stomach that tells me I'm unlovable. It also reminds me of feeling at fault last year and that maybe I was the issue, not her, and she will be totally fine with the next girl and that's why I was dumped and frozen out overnight.

I won't respond to her emails and I have deleted them. I have deleted every single trace of her: emails, texts, cards, gifts etc, they're all gone. I know her love for me wasn't real, it was based on how much she needed me and what I could give her for that short period of time.

I guess I never thought I'd hear from her again... . so was unprepared for this. It's thrown me all off kilter. I hadn't been on these boards for months.

[Hazelrah]

Thanks for taking the time to reply SB. I think I'm already at anger. I don't think I could be sold a sob story by her.

I really do plan to stay out of the FOG... . by reminding myself that she didn't really love me the way she said she did, or the way that I'd want. Her love was based on need. When I needed her she was nowhere to be seen. Her emailing now has nothing to do with concern or love for me - she wasn't in the least bit concerned when I was dying (almost!) last summer.

I'm not going to reply. I just keep reminding myself of the person she showed herself to be over the last 14 months. I always told her she had the kindest heart... . well, how could I ever think that now? I could never trust her or believe a single word that came out of her mouth. If she emails again, I will ignore that too. I don't want to re-engage or recycle.

These emails are infuriating, but yes, validating in some weird way. This disorder really has a pattern. The only thing that seems to vary is the timeframe.

Throws up all horrible feelings tho, real PTSD reactions. I've been shaking again tonight.

It is like PTSD, isn't it?  I'm in the early stages of detachment from BPD wife seeking divorce, and there is a very real physical reaction related to this grief (in addition to the obvious emotional reactions). 

Seb, 14 months in sounds like an eternity to me right now... . I bet you have enough time and experience invested in this to do the right thing for yourself right now.

[fromheeltoheal]

Mine contacted me after 25 years; there is no time limit, and that is not uncommon on these boards.  My take is it has nothing to do with me, she just had a flash of some emotion and thought of me as a possible way to soothe it, and she's got a lot of exes to contact if need be, that's the plan.  Silly me only learned all that after I went through the BPD spin cycle again, I know too much now to go for round three, but a random email or phone call from her wouldn't surprise me.

She's not really thinking about you, beyond what you can do for her, so I recommend you think of you and do what you need to.

[seeking balance]

I guess seeing her name drags up a lot of hurt from last year, a lot of really bad feelings - feeling unlovable and rejected and totally betrayed by someone that I trusted and loved. Also, I think I often forget that she is disordered and I push ahead thinking she's functioning on the same level as me - that's probably why it stings so much. Just seeing her name flash up makes me feel all at sea again: I feel anxious, shaky, nauseated and there's the pit in my stomach that tells me I'm unlovable. It also reminds me of feeling at fault last year and that maybe I was the issue, not her, and she will be totally fine with the next girl and that's why I was dumped and frozen out overnight.

I won't respond to her emails and I have deleted them. I have deleted every single trace of her: emails, texts, cards, gifts etc, they're all gone. I know her love for me wasn't real, it was based on how much she needed me and what I could give her for that short period of time.

I guess I never thought I'd hear from her again... . so was unprepared for this. It's thrown me all off kilter. I hadn't been on these boards for months.

What you feel is normal and how you are handling it is likely the quickest way to heal.  At this point, contact of any kind reinforces bad behavior. 

It's ok to feel sad and you will get back on track.  The boards is a good way to regain your balance - good job reaching out.