After being isolated, how do you engage again with your family and friends?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I am separated and in the divorce process from stbxBPDw. I am having trouble in order to reconnect with family and friends. While the marriage I was not visiting or stay in touch with them frequently, because every time I did, there were discussions and problems, so, in order to minimize conflicts, I did not call or visit them on a regular basis.

Now, after separation, I find difficult to engage with them. All have activities, appointments, well a life on their own; and I haven’t being part of it for a long time.

How do I start? All my closest friends and family already know about my separation and have offered me support and help.  However, I feel alone. How do I engage again? What do I have to ask? Do I have to ask for specific help and support?

[Xtrange]

I am separated and in the divorce process from stbxBPDw. I am having trouble in order to reconnect with family and friends. While the marriage I was not visiting or stay in touch with them frequently, because every time I did, there were discussions and problems, so, in order to minimize conflicts, I did not call or visit them on a regular basis.

Now, after separation, I find difficult to engage with them. All have activities, appointments, well a life on their own; and I haven’t being part of it for a long time.

How do I start? All my closest friends and family already know about my separation and have offered me support and help.  However, I feel alone. How do I engage again? What do I have to ask? Do I have to ask for specific help and support?

[pk]

Maybe be honest with them.  You don't have to go into massive details but you could tell then you were enmeshed in a toxic relationship and now you are out and healing and would them to be a part of your life.  I have had to do that and it has been hard and I have caught some temporary grief from some of them but in the end they were very supportive of me.

[Xtrange]

Thanks pk,

... . you were enmeshed in a toxic relationship and now you are out and healing and would them to be a part of your life.

I will try that part.

I've already told them about divorce and causes, they were very supportive, but on daily basis I found difficult to engage in their normal activities (going out for a movie, have dinner with them, etc.)  May be I need to schedule them?

[Trick1004]

I agree with pk,

Your family and close friends should understand this and be willing to support you. I think finding it difficult to engage in their normal activities is a natural result of having been in toxic relationship where the activities were not normal, as bad as it was the abnormal became the normal and it takes time to readjust.

I have a hard time with this also though it is getting better as more time being away from my ex goes on. Initially, I could maybe handle an hour or so at family get togethers or with a group of my friends before the normality was too much and I would have to leave to process.

They have all been very supportive (though most don't understand, having never gone through something like this before). They have made it clear that they are there for me (they always have been!) and haven't tried to press the issue allowing me to process on my timeline.

[Clearmind]

Reach out Xtrange - involve yourself, organize social gatherings - small and intimate if that is what you feel comfortable with. I have wonderful friends that I only see once a year... .

[ObiRedKenobi]

My friends and family were very happy when things fell apart with my ex. But life went on for them when I was stuck in my isolation bubble. So for the most part reintigrating with my normal family and friends has taken a great deal of effort on my part. I have to call them and I have to go see them kinda get into their face. They got used to me not being in their life so I'm not necessarily the first person they call.

Sometimes I'll plan the activities, sometimes I'll just call and say "Hey how ya doin whats going on?" My friends are true friends and my family is well my family. Slowly but surely its getting back to the way things used to be before I got involved with my ex.

[Xtrange]

I think finding it difficult to engage in their normal activities is a natural result of having been in toxic relationship where the activities were not normal, as bad as it was the abnormal became the normal and it takes time to readjust.

Thanks Trick1004,

Maybe, we lost our sense of normal relationships with friends and family?

[Xtrange]

Reach out Xtrange - involve yourself, organize social gatherings - small and intimate if that is what you feel comfortable with. I have wonderful friends that I only see once a year... .

I will do that! Tanks

[Xtrange]

My friends and family were very happy when things fell apart with my ex. But life went on for them when I was stuck in my isolation bubble.

That is my case, I have all the support but I continue to feel (be) isolated!

[Clearmind]

Xtrange, you are processing and right now you may feel like you are in limbo land - this can be personally unsettling for a while (not forever) - you are not yourself - you have been through a great deal. Be kind to you and in time you will feel like rocking it again.

[Xtrange]

Xtrange, you are processing and right now you may feel like you are in limbo land - this can be personally unsettling for a while (not forever) - you are not yourself - you have been through a great deal. Be kind to you and in time you will feel like rocking it again.

Indeed, I feel in limbo

[xandrew245x]

I know how you felt being entangled in the web with a BPD partner. Shortly after getting together with her, me and her moved 4 hours away, so I was taken from my friends and family. I tried to stay in touch, and they came and visited about 3 times while I lived out there. We moved back home after about a year, and I never really reconnected fully with my friends, but I did with my family, and so did my ex, she became very close to my family.

I stayed in touch with my friends, but the only thing we did together was hang out at my house. If we went anywhere, my ex always went along. My ex started to dislike my family, and somehow drew me away from them. I became distant with them. My friends stopped asking me to do things because I never would go. I wanted to go, but in my mind, I knew she would some how guilt trip me and make me feel awful about going, even though she said "go ahead I don't care", it always ended in a guilt trip. She would even tell my parents that I never go anywhere with her or do anything.

Now that shes gone and I told my close friends and family about what was going on with her, they jumped right in. I have done more things with my close friends in the past month, than I have probably in the entire past year. My family has supported me completely and I don't know if I could do it without them. It seemed my friends new exactly what to do.

On 4th of july we had a cookout at my parents house, my two closest friends were there. I had gone down to my house quick to get something, and my ex was there. I was gone a while and my two friends showed up. I found out later that they were worried to why I had been gone so long and wanted to check on me. Its great having friends like that.

[WalrusGumboot]

Xtrange,

I was married for 23 years and over the course of those years I got extremely isolated. Now you want to reverse the damage to the relationships like I did, but you have to remember a few things. For one, don't try to behave as if nothing happened. Time has been lost and things have occurred in their lives that you probably missed. Because of this, there might be hurt feelings on their part. Secondly, they probably feel rejected, and even if you explain what happened, they still won't get why you felt compelled to listen to your ex and ignore them.

To keep from getting discouraged, make amends to the "easy" ones first, like parents and siblings, then the closest of friends. Some of my old close friends turned out to be out of my life for good, but quite a few were extremely supportive. One friend, who I saw only on a limited basis (his wife and my ex were very good friends and so we got together when they did), has now become my best friend and the closest friend I have had in 30 years.

So you will recover relationship-wise, but maybe not in the way that you expect. It might even turn out to be better!

[Trick1004]

My ex did all she could to avoid my family and friends. If we did stuff with my family or friends I could bank on maybe two or three hours before she would want to go home. On the other hand she was constantly trying to bring me along anytime she wanted to hang out with her family and friends which would typically end up as an all day, night affair. If I told her I was ready to leave or didn't want to go I would get guilt tripped and often times would trigger a rage when we got back home.

Occasionally I would stop by a buddies house after work for a few hours to drink a few beers and hang out. I would invite her along but she usually would decline but around nine or ten the texts would start coming, "when are you coming home", "i miss you", "don't you want to hang out with me tonight?" etc... . Come on some time apart wouldn't kill her.

I realize now she was doing her best to isolate me in her world where she was most comfortable around people who accepted her behavior. Along the same lines she was terrified of being around the people in my world that they might see her have an "episode" and tell me "Trick what the hell are you doing with her, she is way out of line". She was always on her best behavior around my family and friends and constantly worried that they didn't like her, it must have been extremely stressful for her disordered mind.

I definitely neglected (though not to heavy degree) a lot of the relationships with my close friends and family, but for the most part they have been understanding and I have thoroughly been enjoying rebuilding those relationships with people that truly care about me and add to my life.

[xandrew245x]

Trick I know how you feel there. I am very close to my family, my grandmother before passing away would make us dinner almost everynight and we would always eat together. My ex really got a long well with my dad, and she liked my grandmother, so (most) of the time she would go along to eat, but when she was ready to leave, she was ready and we had to go. After my grandmother passed, my mother started making us dinner, and then the frequency of me and my ex going to dinner started diminishing. She went to her mothers house quite often as well, and there was just times I was so exhausted I didn't want to go. Everytime I wouldn't go she would play the whole guilt trip "Well we always see your family, and you never want to see mine" or "My mom is starting to think you don't even like her". When I did go up, I usually ended up sitting and watching tv or something because she would go hang out with her mother and talk to her, kinda a two person conversation that I couldn't really be involved in. We would stay a few hours, I was always respectful about it, but when I asked to leave she would either get angry and guilt trip me by saying how we always see my family and she never gets to see hers, or she would say just a few more minutes. Well a few more minutes would turn into an hour and so on so fourth, usually not coming home until 10 or 11 pm. The truth is I really loved her family, and I enjoyed visiting, I just knew what would happen everytime I went. She always played the card that she never got to see her family, but she often went to see them multiple times a week, and she could have gone everynight for all I cared, so it was really her own doing, but blamed it on me.

As for hanging out with friends and her bugging me then, I never really had this happen. I never really went and just hung out with my friends. I went to Georgia with my buddies for a few days, but at that time I think she was painting me black because she barley talked to me the whole time, and wasn't even excited to see me when I returned home. There would be times I would be times I had to work late or something and she would start texting me asking when I will be home, or how long I will be, and then she would ask me multiple times. Other than that, I never went anywhere, or if I did I always invited her and she usually always went.

[Xtrange]

... . My ex started to dislike my family, and somehow drew me away from them. I became distant with them. My friends stopped asking me to do things because I never would go... .

That happened with me!

But I tried to avoid conflicts.

[Xtrange]

Xtrange,

... . don't try to behave as if nothing happened. Time has been lost and things have occurred in their lives that you probably missed... .


So you will recover relationship-wise, but maybe not in the way that you expect. It might even turn out to be better!

Thanks WalrusGumboot,

Life continued but I was isolated.

[Xtrange]

Trick,

I am sorry that was your case too.

I am glad you're rebuilding your relationships. I am starting and listen to you (all) who are ahead on the road. Thanks!

[Trick1004]

Xtrange,

I am regaining MY life and reconnecting with what made me happy before I became entangled in the r/s with my ex. It's tough to recognize while in the relationship and for awhile afterwards just how much we allowed them to define our happiness. But the longer you resist getting sucked back in the quicker you can find yourself again.

A realization that came to me a couple weeks after the she bailed and I was still in a world of hurt was that before I met her I was a pretty happy person who enjoyed life while towards the end of the r/s I was depressed and miserable. I asked myself "what the hell, how did this person become the focus of my life when all she did was disrespect me. Did I really want her back at all knowing how miserable I had become?" At this point the pain of the breakup and her leaving me started to dissipate much more quickly.

Anyway, that is something that is great about this board. When I found it and read through threads that other people who were farther along in the process were posting in, it was a huge source of strength and support for me to move on. We are all here to help! Keep at it!

[Xtrange]

I just told my sister that I need her help, she understands it. Now I will do that with close family and friends.

[MatzlanGirl]

X Strange,

Hey, I know how you feel, as far as trying to re-connect with the family that you were kept isolated from for so long. I attempted to do the same when I left my BPD husband last time. I tried to explain to my family, that it was NOT my choice to "exclude" them from my life all those years, that I was being kept "isolated" from them with threats, intimidation, brainwashing (being told over and over that they did not care about me), fear, and bullying, and harassment every time one of them tried to call and talk to me on the phone! He would sit there and scream rude insults, remarks and comments at me every time they called, and would harass me and hound me about... 'why I was saying this or that to them' and make comments to me like, 'you don't need to tell them this or that', 'why are you saying that', and, 'you better not tell them this address or how to get here' --I even got bullied and harassed if I even dared to mention wanting to drive up there and visit them myself! I avoided the subject just for the sake of not getting into another argument over it, because I missed my family and wanted to see them! I think they are all still upset at me for allowing myself to be sucked back in, and making the stupid mistake of coming back home to my abuser. But, in spite of his "scare tactics", I made up my mind that he does not have a right to keep me from having contact with my own family, so I have made it a point of staying in email contact with a family member since Ive been back home. I unfortunately tho, have to keep the contact info "hidden" from him, because he has a nasty habit of trying to "drive people away and get people angry at me" with his manipulating lies and stories, so that he can keep me isolated from any possible help from anyone. All I have to say to you is... . don't give up trying to "mend the fences that your BPD has managed to tear apart"... . keep reaching out to them trying to make those connections again, even if it seems like a lost cause at first. Eventually, they will come around. I know I am going to keep trying, because they ARE family, my only family, even if they are upset at me for making a stupid decision!

[Xtrange]

X Strange,

... . I was being kept "isolated" from them with threats, intimidation, brainwashing (being told over and over that they did not care about me), fear, and bullying, and harassment every time one of them tried to call and talk to me on the phone! He would sit there and scream rude insults, remarks and comments at me every time they called, and would harass me and hound me about... 'why I was saying this or that to them' and make comments to me like, 'you don't need to tell them this or that', 'why are you saying that', and, 'you better not tell them this address or how to get here' --I even got bullied and harassed if I even dared to mention wanting to drive up there and visit them myself! I avoided the subject just for the sake of not getting into another argument over it, because I missed my family and wanted to see them! I think they are all still upset at me for allowing myself to be sucked back in, and making the stupid mistake of coming back home to my abuser. But, in spite of his "scare tactics", I made up my mind that he does not have a right to keep me from having contact with my own family, so I have made it a point of staying in email contact with a family member since Ive been back home. I unfortunately tho, have to keep the contact info "hidden" from him, because he has a nasty habit of trying to "drive people away and get people angry at me" with his manipulating lies and stories, so that he can keep me isolated from any possible help from anyone. All I have to say to you is... . don't give up trying to "mend the fences that your BPD has managed to tear apart"... . keep reaching out to them trying to make those connections again, even if it seems like a lost cause at first. Eventually, they will come around. I know I am going to keep trying, because they ARE family, my only family, even if they are upset at me for making a stupid decision!

I guess is a common story. It happened to me also.