How to stop ruminating/obsessing?

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

Any helpful advice on this?  I go to sleep thinking about him.  I dream about him.  I wake up thinking about him.  I think about him all day long.  I just can't escape these obsessive thoughts.  Trying to walk, read, spend time with friends, etc.  Seeing a T.  Trying to stay NC although I constantly blow it.  Reach out via text and then wait obsessively for him to get back to me and always feel worse when I read his response. 

[Emelie Emelie]

Any helpful advice on this?  I go to sleep thinking about him.  I dream about him.  I wake up thinking about him.  I think about him all day long.  I just can't escape these obsessive thoughts.  Trying to walk, read, spend time with friends, etc.  Seeing a T.  Trying to stay NC although I constantly blow it.  Reach out via text and then wait obsessively for him to get back to me and always feel worse when I read his response. 

[patientandclear]

Hi E E ... . greetings from a world champion obsessor/ruminator   I imagine others will give you useful concrete tips.  I for one had to eventually just give up & concede that I was going to be occupied by this topic for a long, long time.  I've found a way to work around it -- despite that what happened with him is like a constant ticker tape at the bottom of my mind screen, I can mostly concentrate on other things, too.  That took a while.  Before this r/s, nothing in life had ever been able to de-center my concentration on my work, which I love.  After the breakup and futile gestures toward reunion, I could barely focus on work or even my daughter.  I was operating at maybe 20% of capacity for a really long time.  Now, I'd say it's about at 80%.  (It might be higher except that I am engaged in a close friendship with my ex.  I haven't been sure whether being in touch with him is harmful or helpful to me in detaching and leaving the sadness behind.  I found it impossible to finally detach through NC -- too much was unresolved & seemed wrong.  Getting back in touch has allowed me to see things more clearly and understand with more certainty that all this happened because of my ex's extreme attachment troubles.  I care about him a great deal, too, and this has given me a place to put this that works for us, for the most part; it also gives him a place to put the caring he feels toward me.)

I share all this just so you let yourself off the hook if you are struggling not to have this on your mind 24/7.  I don't know that there is a magic way past that -- the loss of someone so close for reasons that are so nonsensical on their face is incredibly traumatic.  I had panic attacks, early waking as if in fight or flight mode, incredible toxic shame that someone who saw me so clearly (I thought) could not only discard me but take up with another so soon.  The sudden switch from being the best thing that even happened to him, to "it's over, we need to disentangle now," then compounded with confusing statements about why it happened, who chose it (from what he said later you'd have thought I left him), whether it could or should be fixed, what would be required for that ... . all of that just did a real number on me.  You can make that worse by being impatient with yourself.  This is heavy, hard stuff.  You don't need to be in a hurry to resolve it, much as you know it would feel better if you could suddenly vault into a place where you don't feel bad about it anymore.

[Emelie Emelie]

Dear P & C... . Lots of similarities here.  Mine also makes it out that I left him.  However I'm pretty clear that he orchestrated the break up.  He left me no choice.  I also have a daughter who I feel like I'm not there for like I should be.  She is so mad at me for being "sad" all the time.  That's another whole story.  Having a very difficult time concentrating at work despite the fact that I need to be especially "on" right now.  Panic attacks... . can't eat, sleep, all the same stuff.

I'm also feeling what you aptly call "toxic shame".  About being discarded so abruptly.  No conversations with mine about fixing it though.  He's just done. 

I just hate all of this.  I am also very ashamed that I just can't seem to get it together.  It scares me.

[Clearmind]

Its good to reframe our thoughts because ruminating thoughts are rarely helpful.

First one to work on would your shame Emelie. Any idea where in your past this shame comes fro?

Stop Being Tortured by Your Own Thoughts

[Emelie Emelie]

Well today it's coming from my 17 year old daughter.  She caught me crying once again and said "you're a bad mother".  My friend's mom's are always doing everything for them and I come home to you and you just sit around and cry.  Feeling like a failure at everything right now.

[charred]

Look in to mindfulness. I was having same problem, went to a T, he suggested Eckart Tolle's "A New Earth", which combined with some mindfulness exercises got me to stop ruminating. Part of it was just working on staying in the here and now... now going over stuff from before or thinking of future. Stress level and ability to cope went way up, and I learned the difference between egoic and authentic... . the BPD stuff is 99.9% egoic.

Good luck... you can do it.

[Clearmind]

Well today it's coming from my 17 year old daughter.  She caught me crying once again and said "you're a bad mother".  My friend's mom's are always doing everything for them and I come home to you and you just sit around and cry.  Feeling like a failure at everything right now.

Unfortunately 17 yo are not always tactful. Right now you are hurting. I do agree with charred - Mindfulness is a great tool.

Triggering, Mindfulness, and the Wise Mind

Feeling Good - The New Mood Therapy - by David D. Burns, M.D.

We need to get conscious Emelie, be proactive to move ourselves out of victim mode and fake it til we make it.

Have you considered seeing a therapist?

[Emelie Emelie]

I just started seeing a therapist.  Want to figure out how I got here and why I'm so shattered by this.  I've clearly got some abandonment issues and relationship insecurities of my own to deal with.

[Clearmind]

Its likley you do Emelie - I came to the same conclusion about my reasons for getting it into my relationship. What we think we are grieivng for, our ex's can in fact be unresolved trauma/issues imposed as a child. These relationships ignite our own abandonment trauma.

You will find your answer - you are seeking which is great - in the meantime be kind to you and find some ways to self soothe. Crying is a way to self soothe... . nothing wrong with that.

[rollercoaster24]

Hi all

If anyone got handed a gong for ruminating and obsessing, I would have received ribbons and awards on top of my gong!

I still am now, and I really don't know why I am ruminating over a man who abused me so severely and frequently right from day dot.

Now, he expects me to be OK about merely talking on the phone every day, but never meeting in person any more, being fed these pipe dreams about our being together in the future, and how he 'loves me' and wants to be with me, but each time I have made the effort to spend time with him, I am abused severely.

There was always the eternal excuses and justifications, and still are, I don't believe they will ever end. There is also again the onus on me, to provide him with accommodation, because I should be proving to him, that he is a priority in my life for once, (according to him I never did).

Thing is, I handed him everything on a plate, and he chose to spit all over it, and destroy it. So once I offer someone something, I give them a chance to see what they will do with it, and when they screw it up again and again, they don't get that same chance ever.

The way I call it now, I have rung him tonight, once again, and told him, that I cannot cope with not being able to see him in person, I cannot cope with being fobbed off for some future I don't ever see happening, because he isn't looking like making the effort required to provide that.

I am not going to wait a year to see him in person whilst he does that either, nor am I going to be delivered with any more of his ultimatums on our being together. If he wants to hand out ultimatums, then he needs to be able to receive some himself.

This is mine, get help, go see a doctor, and stop blaming me and your parents for your sorry state of affairs. Stop using your parents as the excuse for not finding employment, when the real truth is, you know you are not mentally well enough to function in the working world.

And stop using me as your excuse to act like a miserable jerk every time I see you in person. Stop torturing me with daily chats on the phone, where I get to feeling like your main reason for calling is to use me as a therapist.

Stop telling me you badly want to see me, when every effort I have made to be with you for the last 15 months is 98% ruined by your bad behaviour and nastiness. You are so badly sending me the message that in fact you do not want to spend time with me, and as long as you have money, you seem quite happy hanging out by yourself, (so you say). Stop complaining to me about your lonliness, for I am lonely too, and have been since I met you, in fact, I never felt this lonely ever before in my entire life.

Before that, when you lived with me, things were exactly the same, now you blame your parents, and complain about them the same way you complained to your parents about living with me!

Well, you cold, calculating jerk, I am over your crap. It is time you moved on, and allowed me to as well. Instead of keeping me from moving on to anyone else, you don't want me yourself, and clearly never did, but you sure as hell don't want anyone else to have me either.

[Ittookthislong]

im gonna offer a ridiculous, yet for me practical tip for how to stop ruminating... . which may be silly but just something i noticed a while back. I think we can get so caught up in these thoughts that we neglect little things we do for ourselves. A lot ofpeople suggest going and working out, taking big steps to better yourself... . but when your upset those feel like giant steps.

so heres my silly tip- i tried excercizing one day, which didnt go that far hahah, but that day i drank a lot of water, like a ton of water. i read somewhere that you can become dehydrated and it feels like your depressed when really your just dehydrated. so i started drinking a lot of water every time i felt my mood sink and i started ruminating and it REALLY did help a little.

so my tip isnt to drink water necessarily but to make sure that your doing the tiniest of self care that could be the difference between sinking any lower. Not suggesting you join a health club or run a marathon but make sure your doing the little things- like if its the difference between ruminating or watching a funny movie- just make yourself watch the funny movie even if you can barely focus.

[charred]

I didn't want to mention it as a first suggestion, but when I was at my worst ruminating, couldn't eat/sleep... do anything... . I found cleaning house helps. It takes a bit of effort, keeps you moving, and you can do as much of it as needed.

Weird but it helps... been told lots of older folks keep nice tidy places ... . because the mindlessness of it helps when you have big things to deal with and feel overwhelmed.

[bpdspell]

The ruminating and obsessive thinking usually comes from our need to overvalue the idealization period and devalue the abuse we experienced.

It helps to write a list of the good experiences vs. the heart-wrenching devastating behavior that they're capable of. In most cases the bad will overwhelming outweigh the bad. Keep the list handy and read it whenever you start to get the blues.

It also helps to value ourselves more and take better care of our lives. Trying something new... . perhaps a hobby... . exercising... . taking a class... . volunteering... . helping others who are in need... .

Nothing completely puts the ruminating to an complete abrupt halt because our minds need to make sense of what we've experienced. I say feel the feelings and eventually they'll lesson in intensity. The only way out of this pain is walking through the fire.

Spell

[bb12]

For me, the ruminating was very intense - and still can be.

Reading Codependent No More - by Melody Beattie was wonderful and ushered in the possibility that my entire life, my own needs took a back seat to those of other people. I had to allow for the possibility that in obsessing and ruminating and trying to understand my BPDex (an impossible task), that I was in fact trying to understand myself. I flipped it, and began to force myself to ruminate on myself: why I was codependent; why I put him on a pedestal; why I stayed despite abuse (and a clear demonstration that he didn't want me around anymore). I ruminated on my own FOO and sought to understand myself and not him.

The other thing that helped was the radical acceptance that I had created this drama. Whatever I was vibrating (fear, uncertainty, loneliness) was always going to attract something similar in. My emotional immaturity was a match for his. And I created this awful situation to force myself to look at things I was so quick to skip over in the past. I never really knew myself, my wants. I never really articulated what I wanted in a partner. And when we are that vague about things, then we remain open to bad possibilities.

Ruminate on what you want; who you are; where you are going; the goals you want to set; who you love; who loves you. And invest your time and energy only in areas that serve you. We pay a massive price for drifting and not getting to know ourselves. This pain and obsession really is our very soul demanding that we do so now. But being codependent, we remain other directed and think we are obsessed about our exes. In point of fact, I don't even like mine - let alone love him. The real target of my obsession was the vague concept of who I was and I didn't actually need my ex back... . I needed to define who I am more clearly and love myself sick!

BB12

[Inside]

Pat……. said, “-- the loss of someone so close for reasons that are so nonsensical on their face is incredibly traumatic.”  …that says so much…  If alone, I’ll cry :'(  And I’ve shaken my head sideways likely muttering ... time will heal … trying to get through the moment.  Other times I’ll just let myself ‘go there,’ over and over and  … hoping my brain gets tired of it.  Recently, driving alone on another exciting weekend …I actually slapped myself – hard  - even hurt my neck some, and I’ve told nobody this.  I’d acted fast - wondering if an association with instant pain might curb the ruminating?  It didn't – so don’t try it

When I attempt to ‘meet,’ or consider being with another woman, it may let-up a bit, but soon reality hits, and I’m still alone … and there she isn’t... .   Damn difficult.  I don’t think alcohol helps, either.  Not much of a drinker, I’ve drank more than planned in an attempt to forget her.  May have numbed it some... but everything else as well. 

A good movie or book have moved me through some tough spots.  Working physically hard seems to help, becoming so tired you easily fall sleep.  But sleeping too much doesn’t help... .   Rarely remembering dreams, lately I’ve had sweet ones of her.  I’ve found spending time with family and friends help ... . except when much of what they say instantly reminds me of ‘her.’  And I have to work at not mentioning her, both positive and negative.  And, it’s obvious to all I’ve still strong, if loving feelings for her …they’re just quiet, letting me work through it.

Get this, she, my …ex(?)BPDgf owes me money, but of course due to her reckless spending, it’s going to take her nearly forever to pay me back in increments.  They’re sizable enough chunks that I’ve not felt free to just tell her to skip it.  But as she sent me a loving card & message with her last payment, then texting to see if I got it …there went me … apparently not having moved far enough on … I answered in kind... .   One thing now though - I know what’s up, I know what to expect, and just as after a multitude of recycles - I know how close we’ll never be again.  This appears to be a process.  But this time, my loyalty’s gone, my eyes are open, and I’ll work to avoid psychical contact while continuing to find a reliable mate. 

So, allowing myself to freely think of her, instead of missing the good times, I’m attempting (this will be new ground) to keep her at arms length …perhaps bore her off, and in the ‘process,’ slowly distance myself.  Least that’s the plan!

- One other thing I’d do that really helped, no matter how much of a failure I feel at the moment, is to come here and read – read – and read some more.  Nobody I personally know has had the experience of a BPD partner, so they just don’t get it.  You do – and I so appreciate ‘your’ sharing

[Nearlybroken]

I am confident that I would win an award for ruminating/obsessing.I can honestly say that my ex has been CONTINUALLY on my mind for months.I think of him all the time and mostly torture myself as to what went wrong/what I did/didn't do/could have done better.Silly really as his behaviour proves that he does not (and probably never did) care about me.I thought that when he was diagnosed with BPD then it would be easier for me as I would be able to "lay the blame" at the door of BPD but I can't.My T thinks this is a combination of the hurt I went through and my low self esteem.I deal with things by cleaning my house and exercising as I find that I am able to push him to the back of my mind when I do these activities.But he is always in my thoughts... . I wish he wasnt.I guess it comes from the joy of having a fantastic relationship and being made to feel like the most beautiful and wanted woman on earth to be unfairly and wrongly  labelled blacker than black.Such different extremes.If I am being honest I think I think about him as I just cannot get over the fact that such cruelty was directed at me and question what i did to deserve it... . I am hoping that mt T will be able to help me with the effects of our relationship... . because at this stage I cannot envisage ever being able to go a few minutes without dwelling on things.I wish I wasn't so sensitive and soft.

[Validation78]

Hi Emelie !

I know this sounds very simplistic, however, it works. In CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy), we learn to replace one thought with another. So, in my case, when I find that I wake up and think about exH, I say a prayer. When I think of a good thing he did, I think of a bad thing he did. It takes discipline and awareness, and it can be done.

As far as when you want to reach out to him via text (or anything), why don't you make a pact with a friend who understands, and reach out to him/her instead. Reward yourself for resisting the temptation to reach out to him! Chocolate works wonders for me!

This is tough stuff. It's a process, and it's alright to have set backs. Use them as learning experiences, forgive yourself, and move onward and upward!

Best Wishes,

Val78

[T. Moore]

Any helpful advice on this?  I go to sleep thinking about him.  I dream about him.  I wake up thinking about him.  I think about him all day long.  I just can't escape these obsessive thoughts.  Trying to walk, read, spend time with friends, etc.  Seeing a T.  Trying to stay NC although I constantly blow it.  Reach out via text and then wait obsessively for him to get back to me and always feel worse when I read his response. 

I do the same exact thing so can completely understand!  Slowly but surely I'm getting back a little more of myself, but constantly blow NC when I get a text or call.  I don't initiate it, which is progress, as I resist initiating every day!  I can't stand being ignored so justify it by not ignoring her when contacted.  I feel if I do that I am stooping to her level.  Additionally, she's going through some serious family issues (death) so I don't want to turn my back on someone in need of support through a difficult period in their life.  I've known her for 15 yrs, but only recently discovered who she really is.  The key is that I don't allow her to interrupt my daily routine and healthy coping habits.  I live my life for me, not for her anymore, and I think that this is most important.

T. Moore   

[Emelie Emelie]

I didn't want to mention it as a first suggestion, but when I was at my worst ruminating, couldn't eat/sleep... do anything... . I found cleaning house helps. It takes a bit of effort, keeps you moving, and you can do as much of it as needed.

Weird but it helps... been told lots of older folks keep nice tidy places ... . because the mindlessness of it helps when you have big things to deal with and feel overwhelmed.


Charred this would be an excellent undertaking for me.  I've been so freaking depressed my house is a huge mess.  I've been completely unmotivated.  I am going to try to force myself to get moving. 

[Hazelrah]

I didn't want to mention it as a first suggestion, but when I was at my worst ruminating, couldn't eat/sleep... do anything... . I found cleaning house helps. It takes a bit of effort, keeps you moving, and you can do as much of it as needed.

Weird but it helps... been told lots of older folks keep nice tidy places ... . because the mindlessness of it helps when you have big things to deal with and feel overwhelmed.

Funny, cleaning the house keeps me (somewhat) preoccupied, as well... . usually a weekend thing for me.  I'm a neat freak, and I did 99% of the housework while BPD wife lived with me, so I guess it's just as much a means of comfort and habit as it is a way of avoiding excessive ruminating.