BPD friendship

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

after me and my exBPDgf parted way for the, ive lost count how many times, this time she wanted to stay friends. Which I told her wouldnt, that I was not her friend.  I told her we would be friendly but not friends. Friends to me is a form of a relationship. In my mind how can you be freinds if you cant be in a relationship or do a reltionship. Just dont make sense to me. But I guess in her mind it would be the same thing, Her completley benefiting from it but not haveing to put anything into. except now she wouldnt have any accountablity. If I called she didnt have to answer, if she wanted to go out with someone else, she could. if she didnt wnat to spend time with me she didt have to. No accountablity or obligation. Of course she would expect me to sit home, answer all her calls and texts and do anything she wanted me to do. Much like our relationship just minus any accountablity. Which make sense based on what other people has said on the baords. The want to keep you close just in case the new person doesnt make the grade. Then they can slide back over, and start all over again.

But something occurred to me. By me staying friends with her Would that give a her a form of validation. I could actual see her rationlizing that if she was so bad why would I want to stay friends. So by me staying her friend it keeps me close, cant move on, still here for her needs and makes her feel like she so great becasue like I said If I was her friend she must not be to bad. Am I correct in my thinking? this is the first time I have ever thought of it like that. How could she be my friend and be there for me. She has never been there for me before. I remember once during one of her push away cycles but she was still calling everyday, and coming by for sex a couple times a week. She left on vaction, without me of course. I could have went I had vaction time from work, but she took her grown child and the childs best friend but didnt want me there. Her excuse was they needed alone time together. which didnt make sense to me because her grown child brought there best friend with them. But anyway. I have a very stressful job and most days it never gets to me. But maybe with the combination of her treating me bad and the crazy day I had at work I was at my breaking point. She called from vaction and I was telling her how bad of a day I had and I also told her that how bad I was feeling about what was happening with us. she started screaming in the phone about basicaly it wasnt her problem and the she didnt have time to talk to me that I was making her late for dinner. they were eating at a fast food resturant and she was screaming like they had reservations and hung up on me. This is a person who has calls me at 3 in the morning becuase she was stressed out or lonely. But when I needed 5 mintues of her time, I couldnt get it. So how could we ever be friends. BUt I think by staying freinds its a big validation. That she is really a good person.

[mitchell16]

after me and my exBPDgf parted way for the, ive lost count how many times, this time she wanted to stay friends. Which I told her wouldnt, that I was not her friend.  I told her we would be friendly but not friends. Friends to me is a form of a relationship. In my mind how can you be freinds if you cant be in a relationship or do a reltionship. Just dont make sense to me. But I guess in her mind it would be the same thing, Her completley benefiting from it but not haveing to put anything into. except now she wouldnt have any accountablity. If I called she didnt have to answer, if she wanted to go out with someone else, she could. if she didnt wnat to spend time with me she didt have to. No accountablity or obligation. Of course she would expect me to sit home, answer all her calls and texts and do anything she wanted me to do. Much like our relationship just minus any accountablity. Which make sense based on what other people has said on the baords. The want to keep you close just in case the new person doesnt make the grade. Then they can slide back over, and start all over again.

But something occurred to me. By me staying friends with her Would that give a her a form of validation. I could actual see her rationlizing that if she was so bad why would I want to stay friends. So by me staying her friend it keeps me close, cant move on, still here for her needs and makes her feel like she so great becasue like I said If I was her friend she must not be to bad. Am I correct in my thinking? this is the first time I have ever thought of it like that. How could she be my friend and be there for me. She has never been there for me before. I remember once during one of her push away cycles but she was still calling everyday, and coming by for sex a couple times a week. She left on vaction, without me of course. I could have went I had vaction time from work, but she took her grown child and the childs best friend but didnt want me there. Her excuse was they needed alone time together. which didnt make sense to me because her grown child brought there best friend with them. But anyway. I have a very stressful job and most days it never gets to me. But maybe with the combination of her treating me bad and the crazy day I had at work I was at my breaking point. She called from vaction and I was telling her how bad of a day I had and I also told her that how bad I was feeling about what was happening with us. she started screaming in the phone about basicaly it wasnt her problem and the she didnt have time to talk to me that I was making her late for dinner. they were eating at a fast food resturant and she was screaming like they had reservations and hung up on me. This is a person who has calls me at 3 in the morning becuase she was stressed out or lonely. But when I needed 5 mintues of her time, I couldnt get it. So how could we ever be friends. BUt I think by staying freinds its a big validation. That she is really a good person.

[Emelie Emelie]

My xBPDbf very much wants to "be friends".  He's "friends" with all of his xgf's.  And I agree with you completely.  I think that's exactly what it's about.  He wants to feel good about himself and his behaviors. 

[bpdspell]

So by me staying her friend it keeps me close, cant move on, still here for her needs and makes her feel like she so great becasue like I said If I was her friend she must not be to bad.

And this is it in a nutshell. Sometimes we so have the answers to our own questions.

This "questionable" friendship to me sounds like she still gets to have her cake and eat it too. For her it's like some sort of emotional bargaining chip that she's still a good person (cause you're still around), that she still can have her hooks in you and perhaps the lack of intimacy won't trigger her disordered feelings as much. It's a win win for her because you still have use and she doesn't have to be balled and chained to you.

At first this "arrangement" may seem to lessen the blow of "no contact" or completely detaching but in my opinion these arrangements backfire due to our strong feelings for them and our disappointment in reducing our connection to just the "physical" aspects of the connection.

I tried the sex no strings thing with my ex (with days apart from each other) but it only hurt and cut me more to the bone to feel so disposable and reduced to pure objectification. :'( :'( I loved my ex with all of my soul and I didn't like sharing him, being triangulated or having our relationship demoted. I totally resented being "used" as he tested out new replacements and had fun doing so... . leaving me to take care of my own emotional needs.

As for friendship... . what does it mean to you? Friendship to me means mutual respect and understanding based on reciprocity and feeling good around the person in a way that supports who you are. In other words... . a true friend is RARE.

IMHO BPD's aren't capable of emotional reciprocity and things with them are generally me focused and me centered with very little thought & care about who we are and our uniqueness. Therefore I deduced that my ex could never be my "friend" cause he doesn't have the slightest on how to be a friend due to his mental illness. I suspect your ex is the same way.

This quote has helped me to put it all in perspective: "Let go or be dragged."

Spell

[CurlyJones]

Well said Spell: Let go or be dragged. 

I am learning to let go a bit more every day and have been eating a lot less dust as a result. 

This one will be hard for me as my wife (soon to be ex) will need to be friendly in the face of raising young kids together for many years (youngest is 3yrs). 

Thanks for the sharing Mitchell & all... .

Cheers

[mitchell16]

BPDspell. I think you right on not knowing how to be a freind. I have seen her appear to be a friend usual if it has the ability to make her look good. Such as with her boss who she proclaim is one her her best friends and by being frineds with her boss it gets her special privaliges at work. But while thinking about your repsonse our last blow up beofre this one was when her best freind away from work had avery close relative pas away very tragically. I remmber her obessing all day about going to funeral. she repeated numerous time about how she dreaded going but she needed to be there for them. since they had been there for her when she had a family member pass away. later that night she got drunk, raged out of coontrol like I never seen her do before, broke up with me, caused self injury and blamed it on me. Of course next day she didnt go to the funeral. Her excuse, becuase she got in a fight with me. so was able to go. Win win for her. She was off the hook and I was the fall guy.

I agree I do not want to be friends with her and I have told her that. BUt she kept trying and I finally just called her out on this and asked her why. She said becasue she cared about me. Which I had to laugh, becasue like i told her caring and hurting someone doesnt belong in the same sentence. Siince I told her that I havent heard from her since.

[bpdspell]

She said becasue she cared about me. Which I had to laugh, becasue like i told her caring and hurting someone doesnt belong in the same sentence. Siince I told her that I havent heard from her since.

Their capacity to care, nurture and empathize with others is a part of the disorder of narcissism  They haven't emotionally evolved to handle the "grown up" emotions of empathy, compassion, or gratitude due to their stunted and underdeveloped wiring. They are emotional children with an insatiable bottomless need. Do not make her behavior about you. How she behaves will always be about her sickness.

We want them to be emotional adults and they can't because they're sick. We need to accept that they're sick and that they don't have the magic keys to our happiness. I don't care how cute, sexy, beautiful, smart or how great in bed they are. Go beyond the surface and there's your answer to why you cannot and will not have lifelong bliss with her.

If they are truly BPD there will always be a huge river valley between their words and their actions. They will be consistent in their lack of integrity. And how they treat others is a reflection of how they really feel about themselves. And the truth quite frankly is that they don't like themselves all that much. That's why they align themselves with people to make themselves look better. Remember. Their sense of self is unstable and they work really hard to hide/disguise and blend in with normalcy to hide their own shame. My ex did the very same thing of kissing his boss's rear end for privileges. But it all makes sense to me when I understand BPD.

It is up to us to create boundaries of protection and draw lines in the sand.

Continuing to have sex with a mentally ill person will only hurt you in the long run and keep you attached to an unhealthy person. That is not friendship with benefits "happiness"... . its called not letting go and not accepting that this person is not well.

Spell

[jollygreen]

Hey Mitchell, it sounds like you know what the dealio is already. If you stick around you are validating all the crap they did to you. And if they come back for a r/s they can just do it again. It's like telling a dog it's ok to poop on the carpet, haha.

Also, since my breakup I looked at my r/s and felt like I was just an object or accessory for her. If you stick around as a friend, you are a tool for her. Someone to go to for emotional problems. Someone to make the new guy jealous over. A plan B to fall back on and wait for a new dude to come along. Someone to boost their ego.

I did not do the friend thing, can't be friends with someone who said I as their one and only soulmate.