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Author Topic: Does a BPD / npd always have have someone else lined up?  (Read 1211 times)
Blade99d
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« on: July 31, 2013, 08:06:53 PM »

Subject says it all... . whats your experience?
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« Reply #1 on: July 31, 2013, 08:50:21 PM »

This is my experience after being with uBPD gf for nine years. The search was always on for a replacement. I always felt during good times and bad,but especially bad, that she was looking for greener grass. MySpace and Facebook were an unlimited source for her, but even a trip to the grocery store could spell disaster for me. I was on constant guard.

My reaction was to clam up, deny affection because of my own insecurities and fears. Her reaction to mine would be to ramp up the search. I have no idea how it lasted as long as it did. Finally a couple months ago she found someone "better than me". He is my age, 44, and still lives with his mom and dad. He's been in prison, is a deadbeat dad, and sounds like a real ass all around. She left the kids with me and got a little dump of an apartment that she can't afford. It is a train wreck.

I was always the one to break things off in the past. 6 recycles. There wasn't a replacement those times so she weaseled back into my life. When she did get one she was out like a bat out of hell and I believe she is gone for good. Actually I know she is because I am done.

Jp
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« Reply #2 on: July 31, 2013, 09:06:26 PM »

My ex is more NPD.  Yes he had his new supply lined up.  I think he had/has a few.  I think he was actually thinking of keeping me on the back burner for as long as he could keep her a secret.  I found out about her from a mutual friend.
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Octoberfest
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« Reply #3 on: July 31, 2013, 10:59:49 PM »

yes, my diagnosed BPDex gf certainly did/does.  She has dated/been with someone continuously for 7 years now, since she was 14 or 15.  Whenever she started.  While she was with me she was dating 3 guys in 3 different cities at once, 2 of us in a separate instance, and involved with a woman while dating me also.  Being alone is something she can't comprehend.  To me it would seem exhausting to be dating 3 guys at once, or to even be involved with more than one person at once.  The web of lies you have to create and maintain would kill me.  Such is life for her though.
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« Reply #4 on: August 01, 2013, 02:18:54 AM »

Yes... . Before we split we went through a bad patch... . all instigated by him and despite my best efforts he just did not seem to want to make it work.I know now that this was because he was "becoming friendly" with his ex wife again.Around my birthday he suddenly  became nice to me again and started to make the effort... . I now know this was because his exwife fell out with him.After our split he went back to her ( denied this to me) and painted me black.Then came back to me and tried to make things work.This was because his ex wife went back to her first husband ( my ex was hubby 3).Then I fell from the pedestal again... . according to him it was because I had become nasty and argumentative (not in my personality at all).In reality it was because he had taken up with an old school friend who lived some distance away.he was not able to tell me the truth about that either.Then they fell out... . guess what... . he tried to recycle me again.The worst part of it all is that my ex flatly refused to tell me the truth about these "other women"... . I got all of my information from other sources.When confronted he just lied and said I was being possessive and paranoid.
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laelle
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« Reply #5 on: August 01, 2013, 02:30:06 AM »

I have no idea really, as my ex never let me even approach the subject.  If I did, I got demeaned and ignored.  I was only there to tell him how great he was and to stay silent.

My insecurities, wants and needs... . be damned!
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« Reply #6 on: August 01, 2013, 04:40:50 AM »

My BPD H has someone on the side (now I question if he has in the past too) and I found out and have filed for divorce.  If she wasn't in the picture, he wouldn't be ready to let our marriage end. He actually said we would be better off if I never found out and it was my fault for hacking into his computer.  The delusional thinking amazes me.
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rollercoaster24
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« Reply #7 on: August 01, 2013, 05:37:58 AM »

Hi all and to laelle,

Yes, I relate to this. I feel like I was only there to tell him how great he was too, damn my insecurities, wants and needs!

Unless of course he had them himself, (which has always been at least 4 days per week used up with his dramas). Tonight he painted the relationship black, again told me that we need to spend time together in private, (pressuring me to again provide him with accommodation). Thing is, I have provided accommodation for the past 4 going into 5 now, years.

The fact that he has a mental illness, is violent, aggressive, threatening, paranoid, dangerous, and caused constant drama and trouble, not to mention attempted murders, damages to my property, reputation at work, (frequent public humiliations there and in general), threatened my family regularly, (indirectly through me), couldn't go one week without causing a fight, used sleep deprivation, threatened to find other women, (if I didn't feel like making love hours after a round of his verbal abuse), never crossed his mind as to why we aren't together anymore.

He wants to blame my family, (daughter and fiance' who also now board here). I kicked him out in favour of another 'bloke', (yea, my son in law, that BP instigated physical conflict with on my front lawn after I drove off refusing to defend myself to his rage). BP was given several opportunities to sit down and resolve his differences with them, and he refused to be at peace, so I chose to ask him not to stay here any longer.

He returned to his elderly parents, (at the ripe old age of almost 46, he has been using his parents as a free stop gap for the past 13 years), he feels entitled to, and quite frankly, it is his Mother who has been his biggest enabler. She still is really, even though now, even she is reaching her limits with him. She is seeing what he is truly capable of, suspects he has a drug habit too, and he has taken to using extreme verbal abuse with her too, over the past months.

She keeps reminding him that he needs to leave their house, even though she knows he has nowhere else to go, she is putting the pressure on him, and I cannot say I blame her, he is dangerous, unpredictable, and has often used violence against his elderly Father too, (restraining orders and trips to the hospital are frequent for his parents coping with him staying there).

BP's biggest grudge is with his Father, (apparently his Father was exactly the same when younger), but I think the Mother is the biggest problem, by enabling it all for so many years, never seeking help until now, yet it's impacted the whole family for the past 20 something years.

BP's other siblings are doing OK, although his younger sister, (youngest in family) has Bipolar and is on medication, she is married now some ten years, but the parents don't let on all their stresses to her, because she simply doesn't cope well either.

He has two older brothers, both of which now don't have much to do with him, (too stressful and dangerous to their own lives). BP is terribly hurt about the younger brother, as they used to be very close, and had a lot in common, (drugs, alcohol, and cars), but BP also has a lot of grudges against that brother, and the feeling seems to be mutual, so they have limited contact these days, although BP never ceases to stop talking about it all.

BP has just dumped me again tonight, and frankly, I have told him never to contact me again, unless he is willing to seek help, I am tired of his blame, tired of his mind games, tired of my insecurities never being addressed, never being loved, cuddled or carressed, never having any intimacy, never having any time together that he hasn't managed to ruin 9 times out of 10, for the past 3.5 years.

My heart is broken, but it can't quite fall apart yet, because he has wanted to stay in touch on the phone each day, having what I call a faux relationship. Every time I have suggested spending time together, he always has an excuse, he always has an excuse for being a complete jerk really, and it has always been some aspect of my life's fault, which apparently gave him justification for his eternal abuse, eternal violence, threats, and generally *****behaviour.

I know deep down that I will likely never find another I will feel this deeply for again, but I just have to face the inevitable really. Otherwise I am to be eternally stuck in limbo for ever, with no life to live for.

I just have to let it go, as he did at the start.
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« Reply #8 on: August 01, 2013, 08:02:23 AM »

I certainly saw this behavior in the NPD I knew prior to my current reason for being here. He was ALWAYS scanning the room for whomever he could find -  an attractive single woman ("single" not necessarily meaning "unmarried" on whom he could swoop in and dazzle with his charm.  I swear it was as if he had headlights in his eyes he could turn on to "twinkle" mode for such attacks! I saw it when he was dating women and he swore he was devoted to them... . for all of maybe six weeks and then his tentacles would emerge. Even at his own home once when he hosted a professional event, he left his gf du jour to go into his kitchen to flirt with the woman he hired to serve food. I don't want to paint with broad strokes here but I suppose an analogy could be made to food for them... . imagine eating one thing all your life; it's as if they need that variety of people to feed their craving of adoration through constant supply of an ever changing smorgasbord.
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findingmyselfagain
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« Reply #9 on: August 01, 2013, 08:47:11 AM »

Early in the r/s my ex would talk about how she thinks some guy at work liked her, and about emails and texts she'd still get from matches from match.com. I didn't think much of it because I mean, she was with me. But it did strike me as a little odd. It's not something I'd talk about, especially if I had "met someone." I'm not sure if she was actually "lining up" these guys as it was more or less a way of making me jealous and making her seem more desirable (I guess!). Once the honeymoon was off to the races and we were planning our wedding (within 2-3 weeks of meeting) I don't believe the thought of another guy ever crossed her mind. I was still the White Knight.

But as is typical for a lot of these kinds of r/s's things end or get really hairy on an upswing when major intimacy is developing, within a few days of our wedding shower she went out with a co-worker. Nothing inappropriate may have happened at the time (except for going out while you are engaged, just after your wedding shower for the wedding you've been planning for months!). That was the beginning of the end. Thankfully, we didn't marry. She did actually end up dating him, hanging out again at least within 2 weeks of us breaking up, and exchanging "I love you's" within just a month or two, probably sooner. I know it lasted about a year... . which is about average for her longest r/s's, her two marriages, our engagement. I started dating her within 2 months of her divorce. Later I found that wedding page and she wrote that she was engaged to the "love of her life." It makes you wonder how long it takes for them to get what the problem is. Her latest just left her a few months ago, and she's been hooked on him and wanting him to return. I know all of this b/c I found her blog, saw her on a dating site, and I've talked to some people who knew her and us at the time. They confirmed her extremely chaotic relationship history, and that she really did talk well of me at one time. For the longest I wondered what I missed. But really it's just a part of who they are until they seek help. I've found out I tend to be a Rescuer and dating has been difficult b/c I'm having to work with getting comfortable with normal women. But I've recognized when they weren't and I haven't dated simply to avoid being alone.
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« Reply #10 on: April 02, 2014, 09:17:34 PM »

I am interested too in responses as mine did have one but now from what I know, he has no one.  I also have read on many other sites with BPD that it is more those with BPD comorbid with Dependent Personality Disorder that have replacements lined up where those with BPD and other PD may not.  Here is the link and it is at the bottom of the page for that info.

www.everything2.com/title/Borderline+personality+disorder
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blissful_camper
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« Reply #11 on: April 02, 2014, 11:15:23 PM »

My ex did, but he kept me as his primary until he was confident the replacement was suitable.  There was an overlap. 
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« Reply #12 on: April 03, 2014, 12:02:29 AM »

Mine was a Hermit when I met her. She was hoplessly attached to a previous bf who cheated on her and abandoned her. So in a sense, i was the replacement, emotionally... She was very honest about it in the beginning. In retrospect, she wanted to leave me for a year, but she had to find the replacement first. I stupidly gave her too much freedom to do so.
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« Reply #13 on: April 03, 2014, 12:11:44 AM »

I have no idea. Based on her past r/s, I would assume she was cheating on me all the time. But I don't know. We had a long distance r/s and I really didn't want to know, to be honest. She would always talk about all the men that were interested in her. And so many odd things happened that I still can't really explain. But, then again, there was a lot that was odd about her that I can't explain. Everything was just odd. So, who knows?

I'm assuming she did but maybe I'm just making that up in my mind.

At the end of the day though, does it matter?
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« Reply #14 on: April 03, 2014, 05:15:03 AM »

I apparently very common among BPD. After I broke up with my ex I first didn't believe that she had someone else lined up, because she always emphasized that she wasn't really into dating before she met me and that she didn't even expect to find a boyfriend before she goes back to her country (we studied abroad together).

But later I found out that she had indeed someone lined up when we broke up for good. Disgusting... . glad she is gone.
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« Reply #15 on: April 03, 2014, 08:02:14 AM »

No, exW did not have on lined up. After being split more than 2 years, she found a soother.

I think all highly depends on which part of the spectrum they functioning. It might be “common” for the real unstable ones.

Thinking about those that can’t maintain a r/s longer than a few months, up to a 2-5 years several and have shown a past of hopping from one to the next.

The best prediction for their future behaviour is their past…  

ExW is a “people cutter” did so with her parents at 18yrs , left in a rage, didn’t want any contact with them for a 10 yrs.

She did it again, a 3 years ago, …with me.   

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« Reply #16 on: April 03, 2014, 08:04:07 AM »

Yes.
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« Reply #17 on: April 03, 2014, 08:17:44 AM »

basically, yes they do. if they are doing the breakup with you then most likely they've found someone else already so then they invent reasons and act spiteful to instigate a reaction out of you. some don't want to 'cheat' (again?) so they will flirt and groom a replacement, sometimes smearing you in the process to explain. i have no evidence that my ex cheated physically, i broke up with her perhaps just before she was about to do so. i know she had a very inappropriate emotional affair via skype with her boy toy of years (he was in another country so maybe i lucked out on this one). but honestly i wouldn't put it past her to have really cheated. never thought she would while we were together, last thing on my mind actually, but afterwards seeing her patterns and how nasty she got towards whoever she was with when she wanted something else i can't rule out the possibility.

perhaps she didn't 'cheat' on my replacement? poor guy though she played him hard. he wasn't too tall or attractive... she 'just talked' with another guy at a bar (not sure if her real bf was there with her or not) and gave out her phone number. her bf talked to her about it and this angered her (whatever) so they broke up. then she's sleeping with the guy she was flirting with, even though she claimed she wasn't attracted to him at all and was totally devoted to replacement #1. so, got him jealous on purpose, used his reaction and her verbal abuse to induce a breakup... . and lo and behold, don't cha know this random 'plutonic' friend ends up being her next bf... . it's her pattern. i learned about a lot of this stuff a while after the fact. she did it again at least 2 times since then. last i heard she was dating one guy, dropped him and started dating his friend--this way it causes more pain for the first guy. it's sad really.

when i see newer people posting, i cringe when i hear things like "we've decided to take some time off, but we're not seeing anyone else"--ya, right. as if a pwBPD is going to be alone... . the biggest part of the illness is that they can't be alone. i understand their confusion though, who would think someone is capable of this without experiencing it first? so have to try and warn people gently.
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« Reply #18 on: April 03, 2014, 09:47:21 AM »

I was in a r/s with a uBPD woman who was having an extra-marital affair with me.  She told me that, during marriage counselling her husband said she "always had one foot out the door" and that she had not been alone since she was 16 (30 now, had been with husband 8 years).  She recently divorced her (likely uBPD/NPD) husband when she found out that HE had someone on the side, broke it off with me at the same time saying she "needed to be alone" to "learn who she was."  Then in 2 weeks she was dating someone new with whom she is now "serious."

So my answer would be yes. 
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« Reply #19 on: April 03, 2014, 09:51:48 AM »

when i see newer people posting, i cringe when i hear things like "we've decided to take some time off, but we're not seeing anyone else"--ya, right. as if a pwBPD is going to be alone... . the biggest part of the illness is that they can't be alone. i understand their confusion though, who would think someone is capable of this without experiencing it first? so have to try and warn people gently.

I would totally agree with you on that one. Unfortunately it seems that BPD's can not be alone... . EVER. Just because you don't know about your replacement, does not mean your BPD darling doesn't have one, or isn't scoping the landscape for one. I too thought when my ex and I would "take a break", it was just to reflect on our relationship etc. It was not until we broke up for the final time (in which she did have my ex-friend as my replacement lined up), that I discovered that in actuality she was out dating and trying to find her next fix. It was a very painful discovery to make, and of course made me question the relationship as a whole. I don't want to rain on anyone's parade, but I have been on these boards long enough to understand that when a BPD breaks up with you, they either have someone lined up already and you wont hear from them again (as in my case or until the new relationship ruptures), or if they have not found anyone to replace you, they will come back to you over and over again until you can be successfully replaced. They seem to lack the ability to commit to anything for long periods of time. Yes you may be married to your BPD for 10, 20 years, but really how committed where they to you and your relationship? What was going on behind your back that you were unaware of? Again I may sound jaded, but when it comes to this disorder I have learned that love, truth, commitment, honour and integrity are things that will be absent in a relationship with pwpd. As easily as you replaced the last "soulmate", you will be replaced also.
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« Reply #20 on: April 03, 2014, 10:09:25 AM »

I don't want to rain on anyone's parade, but I have been on these boards long enough to understand that when a BPD breaks up with you, they either have someone lined up already and you wont hear from them again (as in my case or until the new relationship ruptures), or if they have not found anyone to replace you, they will come back to you over and over again until you can be successfully replaced.

I am new to the board but this certainly seems correct to me.  The truth is, you are much better off if you never hear from them again.  In the beginning after the split, mine would occasionally contact me by text when she was depressed, then she would tell me how she was worried her new boyfriend would break up with her because of her emotional incontinence.  When I said I preferred not to talk about that, she would attack me for "always wanting to talk about our relationship" and that she "couldn't confide in me as a friend."  Keeping me around to meet some remaining unmet needs until the new guy could meet them I suppose.  She would also refuse to tell me she didn't love me anymore, saying "I don't love you like you want me to" or similar things, presumably also in an effort to keep me dangling just in case.  In any case, I've gone NC.  It is difficult but I know absolutely it is the best approach. 
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« Reply #21 on: April 03, 2014, 11:17:59 AM »

Mine seemed to always be working on lining someone up.  He claimed that he was working on stopping  this. He claimed he was not doing this for the last year of our relationship and that i didn't believe in him.

Altho i found him looking on a dating site on my very own computer not that long ago.  Tried to blame it on my kids.  Hmm... . sure.  In the end it got really rough and he kept breaking up with me and coming back. He lied about something big near the end and was trying to be very very nice before i found out. Being generous, buying me a rose, being very warm and loving etc. . Then when i found out he gave me a lame excuse for lying and in a drunken rage told me that i would probably throw him in a trash heap.I freaked out and gave him the ammunition he needed to call me the craziest woman he has ever met. I gave up.  I went no contact.  I couldn't do the push / pull thing he started again.  Now i don't hear from him.Except for calling me a coward twice on email last week and inviting me to get some serious therapy from a skilled and wise therapist.  So I am sure, as usual when we broke up, he's out there actively pursuing without having to try and hide it from me.  If he hasnt got anyone lined up that is secure, then he is definitely trying. He always did. Imagine one of his last texts telling me to take some time before my next relationship to consider my part in our relationship so i don't mess things up with the new person.
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« Reply #22 on: April 03, 2014, 11:32:30 AM »

I don’t want to hijack the post, but gettingoverit made some very interesting observations.

I don't want to rain on anyone's parade, but I have been on these boards long enough to understand that when a BPD breaks up with you, they either have someone lined up already and you wont hear from them again (as in my case or until the new relationship ruptures), or if they have not found anyone to replace you, they will come back to you over and over again until you can be successfully replaced.

I can relate to that behaviour. She didn’t even responded to absolute necessary talks in regard to my son. Never attended at his school, nor ever paid anything for his support.

She cuts people out of her life and hide, as she did earlier.

As I posted last week, suddenly their “inevitable urge” to mail and announce: I have met someone.

Of course in the meantime before she hooked him, she must have had a great time as she was free ( at last).

Although ex having a friend now, she is still emotional dissociative as I was told. Replaced me ad still dissociative? 

Yes you may be married to your BPD for 10, 20 years, but really how committed where they to you and your relationship? What was going on behind your back that you were unaware of? Again I may sound jaded, but when it comes to this disorder I have learned that love, truth, commitment, honour and integrity are things that will be absent in a relationship with pwpd. As easily as you replaced the last "soulmate", you will be replaced also.

Even longer…, it was in a way dormant, as strange as it might sounds. Really loving, committed and trustworthy, oh yes, must admit in retrospect, flaws have been all over the place.

Really started as kids got more independent, the love-objects didn’t respond as needed anymore. As in a normal r/s a mother is focussed on the child’s, common is a mans feeling of being neglected in these years.

On this side of the ocean (Europe), it is mentioned more than once that during midlife they end very suddenly (outbursts) long term relatively stable relationships (although that intensified flaws and for a few yrs. every 3 to 5 months outbursts).  

Fully related to this, and sporadic mentioned/described, is that as from 40-45+ the hormones of women change. The menopause begins, a normal biological process. During this process all women “get it on their nerves”. Add that to BPD  Smiling (click to insert in post)

During that stage, indeed as you describe, the disintegration towards my family became unstoppable, although by that time I knew of BPD and could canalize her in a way. It was not enough, obviously.

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« Reply #23 on: April 03, 2014, 11:38:19 AM »

I don't want to rain on anyone's parade, but I have been on these boards long enough to understand that when a BPD breaks up with you, they either have someone lined up already and you wont hear from them again (as in my case or until the new relationship ruptures), or if they have not found anyone to replace you, they will come back to you over and over again until you can be successfully replaced.

I've been on here a year and a half.  2013 was basically hell in my r/s with my ex-BPD-bf.  As noted thru almost all of my posts since I joined, I've always thought he was my ex.  If we were ever back together, I never knew it until he'd dump me again!   He disappeared on me multiple different weekends in the past year.  Gee, I wonder why.

He was on dating websites I'm pretty sure for the last 3 years.  He's found a decent replacement for me now and has totally shut me out.

Oh, except for yesterday when he told me on IM (at work) that he loves me.  But by this morning he responded to a very desperate pathetic email I sent to him this morning in response to him actually being kind yesterday.  His response was beyond cruel.  Why sugar coat it, HE is beyond cruel.

Yes, when we were first seeing each other, there is no doubt that he was still talking to the last TWO ex girlfriends... .  once they happened to finally talk to one another and they exploded on him, I immediately became priority number one, a goddess suddenly.  That was short lived.  :)umped, then loved, dumped then loved.  Fast forward 3 years and here I am.  :)umped and loved.  While he is living a lie being the good buy BF to this new girl.  I actually truly feel badly for her.  She has a 2 year old and she just has no concept of what is going to happen.

I hope to God she has a backbone and kicks him to curb - but only as soon as I am CONFIDENT that I will not respond to him again.

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AchingHeart

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« Reply #24 on: April 03, 2014, 01:27:57 PM »

Well, I'm am still undecided (ish) but thought I'd give this section a quick look.

At the beginning of our relationship she was very flirty even with other men.

I told her that I wouldn't accept that kind of behavior especially if we're committed to each other.

She realized her mistake and admitted it was unacceptable.

Some weeks later, I get home, turn the laptop on and there is her FB page that she left on.

I couldn't help but notice the conversation that was still open in the window with an old sex partner of hers.

I confronted her about it that same day and she denied it... . until I showed her the screenshot 

She apologized again, started crying and promised she would never betray me.

She deleted him off her facebook and texted him it was no longer ok to text her.

We moved past these incidents and the rest of our relationship she was faithful.

The reason for that is (imo) that her mother suffered the same disorder. Her mother had men in and out of he house while her dad (who turned out not to be her dad, but had known all along) was working.

She said she hated her mother for acting so selfishly and despised everything she represented.

I remember her saying how she never wanted to be like her mother.

In the last few months of our relationship she started making efforta with her appearance. Mainly when she'd leave for work though.

When we split up last week I asked her, if she had met anyone, if she had anyone in mind, what her plans were?

She replied that she hadn't met anyone and that she wasn't interested in meeting anyone just yet.

As of right now, we're friends and are trying to work things out. We've been calling each other (once a day) and she's sent me messages about how her day is going, as if nothing had happened etc... .

The point that was brought up is very interesting. It is true that I feel the only reason we're still "trying to figure things out" is because she doesn't have anyone else (yet).

That really bothers me but I still like to think that she's actually trying to make it work on her end.
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gettingoverit
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« Reply #25 on: April 03, 2014, 01:58:15 PM »

The point that was brought up is very interesting. It is true that I feel the only reason we're still "trying to figure things out" is because she doesn't have anyone else (yet).

That really bothers me but I still like to think that she's actually trying to make it work on her end.

Achingheart,

I hope for your sake that what you say is true. I truly hope that she is actually trying to make things work on her end. My ex said the same thing too, yet she ended up doing exactly what BPDs do. The question I have for you is can you trust her? Will you be constantly looking over your shoulder or wondering what she's up to when you're not around? My ex lied to face numerous times and I never caught her doing something as blatant as your gf. I don't want to tell you what you should do in your situation because I don't know all the details, but I will tell you that in my situation I was like you, hoping that everything would work out and that she would come to see how much I loved her and how commited I was to her. She made promises of changing, working on herself... . you name it, she promised it. Easier said than done. I soo wanted to believe her that things would change. They never did. We just recycled repeatedly until finally she found someone else and you guessed it... . she was gone. Bpd's over time do show a pattern of behavior. Everytime you recycle you move further and further into the FOG. Usually the outcome is worse for you than the pwBPD because they have already moved on to the next target, while you are stuck in the FOG going "What the h*ll just happened"? Please head these warnings. Proceed with caution. Know that your outcome has a good chance of being just another BPD statistic.
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Madison66
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« Reply #26 on: April 03, 2014, 03:00:26 PM »

My uBPD/NPD ex gf of 3+ years definitely had to have someone else lined up.  When we got together in the fall of 2010 via an online dating site, she kept her profile active for several months (until I objected) and had a number of "cyber-guys" still texting and emailing her.  We were definitely exclusive and she still kept this activity going and told me about it.  Maybe month six of the r/s, she finally removed her dating site profile, but would still tell me about the texts from the guys.  She'd justify it by saying "it is ok to make your man know you are in demand".  I think it was more for fear that I'd catch on to her PD issues and boogie.

Then, about two years in to the r/s when we were struggling she told me she met a client at work who she exchanged numbers with with and the dude was texting her.  She said she'd contact him and tell him she wasn't interested.  Again, she was lining him up in case we split.  Well, we split for two weeks shortly after and she dated him during the short two week window.  She even talked about him a lot after we got back together until I told her I really didn't want to hear about it.  He supposedly cried when she told him we got back together.  So, fast forward to a year later and I was completely struggling with the emotional abuse.  We talked about splitting up, but stayed together until early December.  Within a week she had another guy going and then a month later, she was back with the guy from a year prior.  I have heard that she is moving (along with her kids) to his house.  Poor, stupid sap and this is all great news to me because she is moving away from my block to over 30 miles away. 

Again, she totally had guys lined up each time we split and in the end she cycled through two guys before shacking up with a third just four months out of a 3+ year r/s.  SOMEBODY ELSE'S PROBLEM NOW!
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mywifecrazy
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Relationship status: Divorced
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« Reply #27 on: April 03, 2014, 03:23:52 PM »

I was married to my uBPDxw for 18 yrs. God was I BLIND!  Anyway she not only has a replacement lined up but she had multiple to choose from. I was able to open her cell phone records on line... . WOW it was SCARY to see how many people she was communicating with at one time. She was literally OUT OF CONTROL, texting and calling people every 5 minutes. She finally settled on my neighbor as her new victim (poor sap) but I know for a fact that there are others... . God she was not what she portrayed herself to be.  Thank the good Lord above I FINALLY found out. better latte than never.  The TRUTH has set me FREE!
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The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit. Many are the afflictions of the righteous, but the Lord delivers him out of them all. (Psalm 34:18, 19)
BacknthSaddle
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« Reply #28 on: April 03, 2014, 04:15:30 PM »

I don't want to tell you what you should do in your situation because I don't know all the details, but I will tell you that in my situation I was like you, hoping that everything would work out and that she would come to see how much I loved her and how commited I was to her. She made promises of changing, working on herself... . you name it, she promised it. Easier said than done. I soo wanted to believe her that things would change. They never did. We just recycled repeatedly until finally she found someone else and you guessed it... . she was gone.

I have to agree with gettingoverit here, which leads me to a related question i've been thinking about.  Right before she married her now ex-husband, my exBPDgf slept with another guy, then felt "so guilty" that she confessed to her husband.  Then, after trading racy pictures with an ex-boyfriend and getting a woman at work to tell her she was in love with her, she started seeing me (while she was still married... . I know).  While she was seeing me, she'd intermittently tell me how she was "feeling guilty" and would pull away from me, only to come back later.  After her divorce, when she ultimately split with me, she told me that "once" when she was seeing me she met a guy in a bar and kissed him and then "felt horribly guilty" the next day.  After she moved on to the current guy, she told me not to text her (I wasn't) because she was serious about the new guy and "didn't want to have to lie to him."

My question is: is not just cheating, but cheating then claiming enormous guilt and talking about how you want to be a better person and whatever, is that part of the whole BPD phenomenon?  Is it a waifish thing?  What do people think?
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Turkish
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Other
Relationship status: "Divorced"/abandoned by SO in Feb 2013; Mother with BPD, PTSD, Depression and Anxiety: RIP in 2021.
Posts: 12105


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« Reply #29 on: April 03, 2014, 05:08:27 PM »

I don't want to tell you what you should do in your situation because I don't know all the details, but I will tell you that in my situation I was like you, hoping that everything would work out and that she would come to see how much I loved her and how commited I was to her. She made promises of changing, working on herself... . you name it, she promised it. Easier said than done. I soo wanted to believe her that things would change. They never did. We just recycled repeatedly until finally she found someone else and you guessed it... . she was gone.

I have to agree with gettingoverit here, which leads me to a related question i've been thinking about.  Right before she married her now ex-husband, my exBPDgf slept with another guy, then felt "so guilty" that she confessed to her husband.  Then, after trading racy pictures with an ex-boyfriend and getting a woman at work to tell her she was in love with her, she started seeing me (while she was still married... . I know).  While she was seeing me, she'd intermittently tell me how she was "feeling guilty" and would pull away from me, only to come back later.  After her divorce, when she ultimately split with me, she told me that "once" when she was seeing me she met a guy in a bar and kissed him and then "felt horribly guilty" the next day.  After she moved on to the current guy, she told me not to text her (I wasn't) because she was serious about the new guy and "didn't want to have to lie to him."

My question is: is not just cheating, but cheating then claiming enormous guilt and talking about how you want to be a better person and whatever, is that part of the whole BPD phenomenon?  Is it a waifish thing?  What do people think?

While with a "healthy" person, these behaviors might be seen as confusing and manipulative, for a pwBPD, these sounds like periodic dissociative episodes. The guilt is the later realization and shame over the behavior, which really centers around them, not us. I experience living with my uBPDx the realization that she partially dissociated from reality for months while living my my house. She detached from me, the kids partially, and the household. It was like living with a different person. To put it in perspective for what you wrote, she later referred to her "mistake" (the cheating) as if it happened only once months previously. I knew that she was going full bore BPD love bombing and romance with the guy "offline" anyway. I found mounds of evidence on stuff she wrote to him on the computer. Yes, it was lying, but she felt guilty enough to hide it, yet kept doing it. She had to still partially dissociate to hide the shame over what she was doing. She finally came back to her "emotional baseline" two months later, but was secure in living the double life, "compartmentalizing" and having a "fragmented" personality, as my T put it.

Another thing to add: she felt guilty (while still doing it), and I asked her if she did at all, because my gut feeling was that she didn't. This was in a two week period where I thought we could work things out. ":)o you feel sorry at all for what you did to me?" She replied, "I don't know... . I'm still processing it." Her shame wasn't that she hurt me (though I know she does feel that on a certain level), but rather that she did something she hated her father for doing to her mother their whole marriage. Even hating that and feeling empathy for her mother's plight, she still did it. I'm sure she aplologized to her mother, too (I forced this issue, telling her that she had the chance to tell them or I would). Nothing changed. She didn't wait long to "come out" on FB shortly after she moved out of my house with her r/s.

In a sense, she's sealed the dissociation. She publicly feels no shame, acts normal to me (I have to see her as a co-parent) as if nothing really happened. She has to. Otherwise, the full realization of what she did would be too much to bear emotionally.
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