Interesting Breakfast with BPD mom

[Our abuse recovery guide]

I'm not regular on this board, mostly because my summer job is super busy and I've been trying to get space from my mom for the last few months since finding out she has BPD to kind of think it through. But this morning a childhood friend and her mother were visiting, so my mom came for breakfast. She somehow had convinced them that I am anorexic (i'm not, I have very small bones and I run, so I'm thin, but my mom loves telling people I'm anorexic, it opens an opportunity for her to talk about how my dad supposedly made her be anorexic, which isn't true either). So these people are at my house eating pancakes I made, and my mom keeps making remarks like, ":)on't forget to eat today", "you have to eat something" (as I'm walking ot the table with 3 pancakes, toast, and a banana on my plate). I remark that my husband and I would like to move to a larger town with more job opportunites and my mom starts the pity party of us leaving, rolling her eyes when I mention the lack of jobs here. By the end of the breakfast, my friend and her mom are totally wrapped up in my mom's realities, and are remarking about food and eating disorders, and moving. They "understand" why we shouldn't move from this area. My mom takes the idea of my husband and I moving personally, she thinks that we are saying this area is flawed and by default she made a bad decision moving here. Not to mention, of course, we're abandoning her.

These are things I've been struggling to get over the last few months (wanting to move, feeling self conscious of my weight, etc.) I feel like I had made progress, and in one breakfast she has sent me down the path of insecurity. I'm ordering the book "Stop Walking On Eggshells" right now, because I would hate to see my relationship with my mother end completely. The way she has to convince everyone else that I have issues (before anorexia, according to her, I was an alcoholic, also a cheating spouse, which I've never even contemplated, a narcississ, and a had suicidal depression; all of which are lies she has told to our entire, small town).

I guess I'm just feeling humiliated and insecure and needed to kind of vent somewhere where people will understand and not tell me I'm a terrible daughter.

[therunningbaker]

I'm not regular on this board, mostly because my summer job is super busy and I've been trying to get space from my mom for the last few months since finding out she has BPD to kind of think it through. But this morning a childhood friend and her mother were visiting, so my mom came for breakfast. She somehow had convinced them that I am anorexic (i'm not, I have very small bones and I run, so I'm thin, but my mom loves telling people I'm anorexic, it opens an opportunity for her to talk about how my dad supposedly made her be anorexic, which isn't true either). So these people are at my house eating pancakes I made, and my mom keeps making remarks like, ":)on't forget to eat today", "you have to eat something" (as I'm walking ot the table with 3 pancakes, toast, and a banana on my plate). I remark that my husband and I would like to move to a larger town with more job opportunites and my mom starts the pity party of us leaving, rolling her eyes when I mention the lack of jobs here. By the end of the breakfast, my friend and her mom are totally wrapped up in my mom's realities, and are remarking about food and eating disorders, and moving. They "understand" why we shouldn't move from this area. My mom takes the idea of my husband and I moving personally, she thinks that we are saying this area is flawed and by default she made a bad decision moving here. Not to mention, of course, we're abandoning her.

These are things I've been struggling to get over the last few months (wanting to move, feeling self conscious of my weight, etc.) I feel like I had made progress, and in one breakfast she has sent me down the path of insecurity. I'm ordering the book "Stop Walking On Eggshells" right now, because I would hate to see my relationship with my mother end completely. The way she has to convince everyone else that I have issues (before anorexia, according to her, I was an alcoholic, also a cheating spouse, which I've never even contemplated, a narcississ, and a had suicidal depression; all of which are lies she has told to our entire, small town).

I guess I'm just feeling humiliated and insecure and needed to kind of vent somewhere where people will understand and not tell me I'm a terrible daughter.

[Sitara]

I completely understand.  We're moving too, and when we told my uBPD mom, she said that we were moving to get away from our families.  She was sincerely disappointed when I had a reasonable answer for every "have you thought about this?" in regards to moving.  In high school she told my best friend I was bulimic.  The worst one for me is that because when I first met my husband, she would ask about it and I would say "It's complicated."  This was my way of saying, "We're just friends right now, but I think I have feelings for him, but he has a girlfriend right now so it doesn't matter anyway, but I really think I want to be with him, so really, I'm not sure I understand it myself and it's complicated."  Somehow, this translated to the BPD mind that, "Well, mom, you're just too stupid to understand that we're cheating on his girlfriend and she walked in on us."  When she told us that one, we both had to pause because we couldn't believe we were actually hearing that.  It really hurt that she actually believed I did that, and she must not know me at all. 

It's not easy.  I recently read that book and I found it to be helpful.  Hopefully you will find some things to help you figure out what you want to do too.

[Clearmind]

It’s controlling RB.

Boundaries! Boundaries! Boundaries! Mom needs to start knowing your limits.

[Blonde Mermaid]

Therunningbaker and Sitara: That book opened my eyes.  I used to think my mother was conflicting and neurotic but that she was so complex there wasn't a diagnose for her.  But there was.

The baker... . You will find this funny, but my mother would love to have an "anorexic" daughter like you.  Since she complains I am fat.  (she has always been obese and she is obsessed with diets and exercise)

I recently came back from England and she had a major go at me because I stayed with my boyfriend and he didn't apparently take care of me, if I gained so much weight.  She makes me look like an obese woman when i am not.  (think of me as a Kate Winslet  type of girl) my boyfriend is always upset when I tell him what my mother says about my weight (he says there is nothing wrong with me)

She says, that ever since I was a kid she took care of my nutrition, to prevent me from being a fat woman.  That I am so irresponsible because I am overweight now as a grown up.

So ok.  I have a career, I work, speak two languages, travel, have friends I am very healthy despite the fact I am a chronic allergic, i dont drink I dont smoke and still, I am not allowed to be a little overweight?

Because she is obsessed with the fact she was a fat kid and everybody picked on her.

I would tell you, you are pretty the way you are, and you are a successful woman.  Your mother is just reflecting upon you, her own flaws.  The book tells you about it.  She feels bad about herself, so she projects that on you.  the question here is, how much more are you willing to take?

The last time my mother started nagging me to go to the gym and stuff I told her to respect my body.  That I hated when people in general messed with my physical appearance.  I told her I have stopped talking to girl friends that have implied I am fat.  I told her, do you want me to stop talking to you as well?

She says, I don't respect her.  I told her, how can I respect someone that has disrespected me and my brother ever since we were born?

What goes around, comes around... .

[DreamFlyer99]

Welcome, therunningbaker!

I had no idea what the deal was with my mother other than she was impossible to please if I wasn't "being myself her way." And even then I could never be quite good enough. And I was the easy child! You can imagine how she treated my siblings.

After my mother died (and me feeling so guilty for being a little bit glad I didn't have to deal with my mother anymore) I went to therapy. I absolutely love and respect my therapist, and she's spent the past 12 years helping me learn to be my own separate self, something I didn't understand I didn't even know-- Narcissistic parents just think you're a reflection/extension of them, so of course you can't have your own separate identity and life, cuz it's all about how everything makes THEM look. Blecch.

When my T suggested the Eggshells book because of issues with my husband of 30odd years, I not only found him in the pages but started noticing my mother was aaaallll over that book. It explained a lot.

I know I had to have a distant relationship with my mother in order to save my sanity and protect my children from the craziness. That may be how you end up dealing with your mom, there's no particular right way, it has to fit you and the needs of your NEW family of you and your husband. I'm all for respecting my parents, it just needed space to achieve that for me.

I guess the biggest thing I've learned about me and my mother is that I wish i'd learned sooner that nothing I did was going to make her be any more sane/happy/truthful than she was, all I could do really was learn to be the best me I could be and not let her rewriting of history to make her look like the Perfect Mother mess with what I knew to be true.

It's taken quite a while, but i'm finally really accepting myself and liking myself, especially once I quit letting the reality of others leak into mine. I allowed my mother's paranoia about my weight shape so much of my self esteem for years. I allowed my husband's embarrassment of me talking to strangers make me feel hugely flawed.

It's a process for sure, but it sounds like you're on the right path!

 

And I declare us ALL beautiful. 

[therunningbaker]

I completely understand.  We're moving too, and when we told my uBPD mom, she said that we were moving to get away from our families.  She was sincerely disappointed when I had a reasonable answer for every "have you thought about this?" in regards to moving.  In high school she told my best friend I was bulimic.  The worst one for me is that because when I first met my husband, she would ask about it and I would say "It's complicated."  This was my way of saying, "We're just friends right now, but I think I have feelings for him, but he has a girlfriend right now so it doesn't matter anyway, but I really think I want to be with him, so really, I'm not sure I understand it myself and it's complicated."  Somehow, this translated to the BPD mind that, "Well, mom, you're just too stupid to understand that we're cheating on his girlfriend and she walked in on us."  When she told us that one, we both had to pause because we couldn't believe we were actually hearing that.  It really hurt that she actually believed I did that, and she must not know me at all. 

It's not easy.  I recently read that book and I found it to be helpful.  Hopefully you will find some things to help you figure out what you want to do too.

Yes! Its like everything I say is actually an attack on her.

I saw her again this morning in a public place with alot of her friends around, where she acted like a perfectly doting, loving mother. Sometimes that makes it more sad for me than just having a big fight, because its like a tease of the mother I so desperately want. I wonder if any other children of BPD mothers feel like that?

[Blonde Mermaid]

Runningbaker:

I used to feel like you as a kid and as a teenager.  Many times I wanted the functional part of my mother to stay like that forever.

When I was a kid  I thought she didn't love me so when for example she hugged me I imagined an empty container  that had a heart shape inside my chest and every time she hugged me the container was filling slowly with red love drops.  (I was a veery imaginative kid, , I am a graphics designer now btw)

She could and still can be a very loving mom when she is OK. Almost asphyxiating. But over the years I got tired of waiting to get the empty "heart" filled with love.  Sometimes when she has yelled at me or insulted me I have felt a void inside my chest. (So the heart got empty many many times)

Now, there's disconnection.  She complains I never hug her nor kiss her.  Believe me I can't.  I just don't feel like it.  Sometimes I don't even want to deal with some of her personal belongings, like washing her clothes for example.

Admittedly I still expect at times her to be functional enough to have a conversation without twisted stories about all the invisible enemies she has and had had in the past.  Or stories that have a "moral" hidden and she is still trying to educate or lecture me about life and people.

Sometimes i just wish I can have breakfast at the same table and we can talk about irrelevant stuff.  Trivial, normal, an every day conversation.  But I don't want more.  I just don't need her affection anymore.

I guess I got tired of waiting.  I am surprised you still feel the way you feel.  Maybe I am the insensitive one?

I am curious to know how old are you?

[therunningbaker]

Runningbaker:


I guess I got tired of waiting.  I am surprised you still feel the way you feel.  Maybe I am the insensitive one?

I am curious to know how old are you?

I'm 25, but I just found out about my mom this spring. I think my whole life I've been trying to "fix" her, and have a good relationship, and it is so relieving to know I'll never be able to achieve that. It takes a lot of pressure off. I can see myself getting better at keeping my boundaries, saying no, and not reacting to her comments trying to get something started. But I am still sad to know that the kind of relationship I want with her will probably never happen. I think I'm just still getting used to the situation.

[Blonde Mermaid]

Runningbaker:


I guess I got tired of waiting.  I am surprised you still feel the way you feel.  Maybe I am the insensitive one?

I am curious to know how old are you?

I'm 25, but I just found out about my mom this spring. I think my whole life I've been trying to "fix" her, and have a good relationship, and it is so relieving to know I'll never be able to achieve that. It takes a lot of pressure off. I can see myself getting better at keeping my boundaries, saying no, and not reacting to her comments trying to get something started. But I am still sad to know that the kind of relationship I want with her will probably never happen. I think I'm just still getting used to the situation.

I understand you more now.  When I was 25 I still hoped she would change. 

I am 34 now, so I am almost 10 years older than you.

Get used to the fact that if she doesn't want help she won't change.

But don't get used to the abuse and mistreat, otherwise your self esteem will be destroyed... . :'(

[DreamFlyer99]

TheRunningBaker, you said:

I saw her again this morning in a public place with alot of her friends around, where she acted like a perfectly doting, loving mother. Sometimes that makes it more sad for me than just having a big fight, because its like a tease of the mother I so desperately want. I wonder if any other children of BPD mothers feel like that?

Oh boy YES. i'm nearly 60, my mom died in 2001. I can't tell you how long it took for me to come to terms with the fact that she had replaced my sister and me with what I called the New! Improved! children. We lived states apart and she surrounded herself with women around my sister and my ages, and treated them quite lovely (while she was not speaking to my sister and was accusing me of various and assorted lies.) Even now I sometimes sigh over the loss of the mom I would have liked to have had. She was pretty sweet, even to us, when life was going her way, but if life was NOT? oh boy look out!

Blonde Mermaid, you said:

When I was a kid  I thought she didn't love me so when for example she hugged me I imagined an empty container  that had a heart shape inside my chest and every time she hugged me the container was filling slowly with red love drops.  (I was a veery imaginative kid, , I am a graphics designer now btw)

I just love that whole thing!   And you sound a lot quicker on the uptake than I was about our mothers' limitations (well, both you and therunningbaker do!) My sister was a lot quicker to understand, me I was Pollyanna, always looking for the best... .  

[Calsun]

Thank you for the shares.  TheRunningBaker, I can relate to the "tease" of a mother.  That was what was so difficult about all of this.  There was this carrot on a stick kind of thing going on with my mother.  And it was a very powerful stimulus to keeping me coming back to win her love. It was very sadistic in a way.  And I can also relate to this idea of being replaced by "new" kids.

It's really a great relief to understand finally that all of these behaviors of my mother really fit into a whole syndrome of BPD disorder.  What mystified me, now makes a lot of sense.  It does fit together.  That understanding and insight is very freeing.  I know that what she projected onto me:  incompetence, sickness, meanness, badness, selfishness, laziness, etc., etc. was really her own feeling about herself.  And it kept me dependent on her for approval, ironically for safety, she was so unsafe, and kept me from "abandoning" her, from ever "leaving home."  Irony, again, it was never really a home.

I am getting free of a self-image built on her projections and distortions.  I am learning to and building healthy relationships, to trust healthy people, and to realize that I am a lovable, loving, healthy, strong, kind, compassionate person with such inner beauty.  

Best,

Calsun

[Calsun]

Hi TheRunningBaker,

Your share really made me think.  So, a thought about food.  We have a problem to begin with in this culture around food, but my uBPD mother needed to micromanage everything, and nothing more than food.  She didn't allow me as a child to really decide how much I wanted to eat.  She was constantly force-feeding.  Even as an adult when I visited, she would accost me with eat, eat.  And it masked itself as her concern for our well-being, her giving to her children.  It was an attempt to usurp our will.  So, I developed a horrible relationship with food, not really knowing when I was full, when I really wanted more.  I'm  normal weight, but feel too thin.  And most of the food she would "push" would be unhealthy food.  She also judged whether you were good or bad based on how much you ate and whether you ate the foods or liked the foods that she liked.  So, all of that ended up creating a lot of unhealth and a lot of power struggles around food. To say no to her pushing food was to abandon her or insult her at her core. When you did that she raged.   And because she didn't know how to mother or love her children in a functional way, she pushed food, and she saw a taking command of your own food wants as a rejection of her. Also, some of the biggest violent chaotic episodes growing up were at the dinner table.  I would eat so quickly, not a healthy thing to do, because she was raging often and you were captive at the dinner table or because she was pushing more and more food and making whether you had it or not a judgement of your being good or bad, loving to her or rejecting of her.

I am learning finally to eat in more balanced and healthy ways, to eat healthy foods which we didn't have a lot of growing up.  But I think doing so can still feel like a now internal power struggle, an inner rejection of her and a referendum on my lovability as a person.  But I am learning, getting insight and really growing healthier in this area of my life. 

Calsun

[therunningbaker]

I'm  normal weight, but feel too thin.  And most of the food she would "push" would be unhealthy food.  She also judged whether you were good or bad based on how much you ate and whether you ate the foods or liked the foods that she liked. 

Wow, so relieving to hear that. My mom had messed with my head so much that most of the spring I would binge eat at night, trying ot gain weight to appease her. It was almost like having the opposite of anorexia, how ever big I got was never big enough to make me feel "healthy" enough for her. I have ridiculously tiny bones and run a ton, so you can imagine how hard it is to gain weight. The best thing I've done is create a lot of space the last few months, and cover my mirror for a month. I had started seeing myself the way she saw me in the mirror, so I was always upset thinking I was too thin. My mom was the same way with food. She would get super offensive if you didn't like what she made, and it was mostly red meat and potatoes. I'm a vegan... . so I almost never eat at her house. Alot of unhealthy food issues between my mom and I. She is fixated (and I mean, OBSESSED) with claiming my father ruined her life. One of her favorite topics is how he "made her anorexic" (I grew up in the same house and never once saw evidence of this). She loves to bring up my being anorexic because it creates an opportunity for her to lament over her anorexia. At one point this spring she went as far as to say that because I had gone on vacation with my dad she could tell he had made me anorexic as well. Her and my dad got divorced 4 years ago (she left him for another man, actually, which she lied about), but she is still obsessed with him. We can't have a 5 minute conversation without her bringing up something he did. its almost like she is proud to collect as many horror stories of him as she can, even though most of them are untrue. He was a great father, mediocre husband, but then he had no clue what he was dealing with in her.

I'm noticing things about myself I want to change as a result of interactions with her: hyper sensitivity to people commenting on my weight, low self esteem, and I'm getting better at talking myself down and forming healthy views of myself and my family.

THank you all for your comments and support. knowing other people have trouble with the same thing makes it so much easier when she's raging.

[DreamFlyer99]

I am getting free of a self-image built on her projections and distortions.  I am learning to and building healthy relationships, to trust healthy people, and to realize that I am a lovable, loving, healthy, strong, kind, compassionate person with such inner beauty.  

Best,

Calsun

SOO AWESOME! Here I am at 59 finally getting good with myself, just call me a "late bloomer." What a gift to ourselves though, right?

I'm noticing things about myself I want to change as a result of interactions with her: hyper sensitivity to people commenting on my weight, low self esteem, and I'm getting better at talking myself down and forming healthy views of myself and my family.

THank you all for your comments and support. knowing other people have trouble with the same thing makes it so much easier when she's raging.

Again, SOO GREAT! What a difference starting to accept myself has made!

But I have to tell both of you, when a friend got offended because I said something about her being "thin" (to her this was a negative comment!) I just looked at her in bewilderment and said "But I would just die of happiness if someone could call me "thin"!" Guess that tells you which end of the size chart I'M on... .

When I first started therapy 12 years ago after my mother died, I knew that my first goal needed to be to disentangle her words in my head from what I knew to be true of myself before God and man. It took some time (dragged out no doubt by the fact that I married someone with some BPD traits of his own) but it has been so worth it! I no longer have all those other words constantly in my head. And I find that I have learned naturally to "nurture" myself. Now when I hear myself say to me "you're so stupid!" for whatever dumb little reason, I tell myself "no you are not stupid, you are human and will make the occasional mistake." SUCH a change for me!

Happy growing to us all.