Daughter dx'd with BPD

[DMerish]

Hi there everyone . . .

I've been lurking on the site for a few days. I posted an intro, which is here:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=206451.0



I just wanted to say "hello" to everyone on the board for parents and ask that I'm accepted into the group - Although I knew something wasn't quite right with my daughter since early teens, and I got her to counseling, the T never told me a diagnosis - They only said that I would need to exercise a lot of patience. I wish I had been told, or I had thought to ask, about a diagnosis at the time. But the past is the past.

Living in a world where a loved one has BPD can be/is often confusing, harrowing, sad, and can take up a lot of one's energy. And I've found it to be tough for other people, i.e. friends/family, to understand what's going on with me as well as "what's wrong" with my daughter . . . how to help, etc. So, I hope that by joining bpdfamily that I can both give and receive support as we travel through tough times of gratitude, hope, love, forgiveness and compassion towards our BPD child and ourselves.  

I'm really thankful to those that got this site going . . . there's lots of info here, which I'll be diving into over the next several days and weeks.  

   

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[twojaybirds]

Welcome DMerish.  As curious as it may seem, it is great you are here.  It's just too bad we are not all posting on a brag about-your-son-or-daughter-board.

Although there are times we all have something to brag about be it ourselves, our healthy choices and/or our kiddos.  I hope you keep reading and posting to brag, ask for support, to sound off or seek solutions to try.

2jb

[Thursday]

Welcome DMerish,

Living in a world where a loved one has BPD can be/is often confusing, harrowing, sad, and can take up a lot of one's energy. And I've found it to be tough for other people, i.e. friends/family, to understand what's going on with me as well as "what's wrong" with my daughter . . . how to help, etc. So, I hope that by joining bpdfamily that I can both give and receive support as we travel through tough times of gratitude, hope, love, forgiveness and compassion towards our BPD child and ourselves

What a well thought out paragraph! I think you've come to the right place.

Hope to hear more... .

Thursday

[vivekananda]

Hi DMerish  

I am so glad to be able to welcome you to this site. You are in a safe place, a haven, with others who understand.

It is, as you say, sad, harrowing and confusing to have a loved one with BPD. I know. My dd (dear daughter) is 32. I was just 18mths ago that I finally realised what was wrong and discovered this site here. It has made the world of difference to me and I shudder to think what would have happened if I hadn't.

Can you share with us some of your current concerns with your d? Is there anything that you have learnt along the way that has been helpful for you?

cheers,

Vivek      

[DMerish]

Hi 2jb, Hi Thursday, and Hi Vivek  -

Thank you all for the warm welcome. It made me cry a few happy tears   knowing others are out there who have gone, or are going through, something similar.

To answer your ques, Ms V - My DD hadn't worked for three years (she was a homemaker for BF/them and his 8y/o DD, with whom BF had 50/50 custody). They had been saving for a home and a new truck for him. They made an offer on a home (both signed) and she transferred $10k into his account, and he bought a used truck (previous owner signed it over to him). Long story short, my son talked to the homeowner who agreed to drop their offer. But truck/$10k gone. So DD has lost everything (had to move from apt, etc) and BF's FFO blamed/shammed and has ostracized her. One major concern is that she's living with a very manipulative quasi friend who is using my DD for babysitting, and my DD doesn't have the strength or the money to stop putting up with this quasi friend's crap. From what I'm hearing, the quasi friend (who is letting her use the sofa bed) doesn't come back to take care of her own child, thus DD breaks appt with T. I'm about ready to "step in" and tell my DD that I will show up at XX:00hr to take her to T, and that she needs to tell q. friend if she won't be home to take care of the child, then the mother needs to find an alternative. My DD likes the T and realizes she needs T to begin dealing with the PTSD as well as therapy overall. My issue right now is that I'm in a quandary when/if I should step in or not.

As far as what has helped is learning to meditate, forgiving myself, acknowledging that I was, and still am, basically a good mom and a good person, and getting back into some of my own interests that I had put to the side during my kids' late teens/early twenties' years. I am somewhat concerned about my son also though -  he was really there for DD after the accident/went with her to suicide grief groups with her, etc. etc. He's concerned for his sis's future mental health, pissed that his dad doesn't/won't step up to help, doesn't understand why I won't allow her to live with me - He's frustrated parents aren't doing more. He's frustrated she won't do more for herself. I think he's burnt out and could use a vacation.

By gosh - I'm tuckered out just by writing about all this . . . I'm going to take a nice long bath, hit the sack, and turn on a relaxation/healing tape (after I've called and check in on DD).

Thanks for "listening" . . .

D    

[BioAdoptMom3]

 !  I am sorry you need to be here, but glad you found us! 

I just want you to know you are not alone!  I can totally relate to all of the feelings you are expressing in your post!  My DD is 14 and believe me, there are moments when I think I may not live to see the next day, or she won't - LOL!  I am so sorry about what happened to your DD with her BF, wow!  I am glad she recognizes her need for therapy though and likes her therapist! And I am glad you are trying to take care of yourself!  Please know that we are here for you.  My prayers support you!   

[DMerish]

My DD is 14 and believe me, there are moments when I think I may not live to see the next day, or she won't - LOL!  

Hi "BAM3"      May I call you that?

My DD showed a few signs at an early age: things escalated around the age of your DD. Those were especially difficult years. Although she recognized she needed help then (and I did get her to T and she agreed to take SAM-e, which helped) her dad was adamantly against it. And with the disorder being as it is (lack of self) she conceded to his opinion rather than her own experience that both T and SAM-e made things better. Looking back, I wish I had been stronger, done more, learned more about MI back then.

Believe me, I understand what you said above. How are you dealing with things?

I'm sorry both of you are having challenges to deal with. Is your DD seeing a T or taking Rx?

 

[vivekananda]

Hi D   ,

My issue right now is that I'm in a quandary when/if I should step in or not.

yep that is hard to sort out. What do you think are the pros and cons of the situation?

Maybe a look at 'boundaries' will help... . check out the workshop below:

BOUNDARIES: Upholding our values and independence

there are heaps of workshops and articles and such like here that may give you insight into your current dilemma.

Have you read Valerie Porr's: "Overcoming BPD"? It seems to speak to we parents in a way that other general books on the subject do. It is an excellent primer and worth the investment.

I am glad you are meditating, it is helpful I know. And I am glad of a reminder for me to continue to do so too.


Vivek