Possible BPD? Stuck in the middle.

[hlpmlv]

I never thought of my sister as BPD when we were growing up. It's only now after doing some research that there were signs when we were children that I dismissed.

She has always tended to be narcissistic and selfish. For example, if we were given anything as children she always had to have first pick... or if I was given something she threw a temper tantrum if she did not get something of equal or greater value. As a teenager, she would take clothes from me without asking and get extremely angry when asked to give them back and also get angry if I asked to borrow anything belonging to her. Around the age of 14/15 she would go out drinking with her friends and get drunk and take drugs and most of my memories from that time are of endless screaming matches between her and my parents. I often felt guilty, as I was seen as the 'good child' and as such she always seemed to be very negative towards me.

I put this down to a combination of immaturity and falling in with 'the wrong crowd' and assumed it was something she would grow out of, which to an extent she did. I moved out of the family home when I went to college and my relationship with her improved. I think the result of not living under the same roof was me feeling less frustrated and less likely to challenge her when I perceived her to be always getting her own way. Over the years, I have developed a much closer relationship with her and I feel that she has gone from not having any time for me to almost the opposite. When I visit her she always wants me to stay longer, and I feel she gets disappointed when I can't.

I had noticed some traits of BPD in her in the years after I moved out. She is very impulsive and has often walked out of jobs/ education due to a spur of the moment argument with a colleague, manager or teacher. She is prone to depression and mood swings. I have often felt like I'm walking on eggshells with one wrong thing said changing her mood entirely.

I thought these were controllable, and just put it down to her having a short temper. However, she started living with her partner and things seemed to really intensify from there (I'm not sure, but to me it seems all the anger and hate she had as a teen was more evenly dispersed between people in her life, whereas now it all seems concentrated  on her partner.

They fight constantly, and I mean constantly. Often, I have found myself listen to their conversation turn to argument and am unable to pinpoint where exactly the argument stemmed from. She often tells me and others that she hates him and can't stand to be with him, but hours later she loves him and can't be without him and seems to forget that they even argued in the first place. She also doesn't like to be separated from him, and if he has to go somewhere without her she gets extremely distressed and begs him not to go, but when the tables are turned she is frustrated with him she often leaves the house without telling him, stops answering her phone and just generally cuts all contact with people (Usually only for a few hours).

She is overly paranoid and jealous of tiny things. For example, if he even talks to another woman he gets accused of all sorts. She assumes he doesn't want to be with her, she assumes that nobody likes her. If plans are cancelled, she takes it as a personal attack on her and accuses friends of not wanting to spend time with her. Conversely, when she's in a happy mood she is very loving and tactile and great fun to be around. How she perceives herself fluctuates wildly. She is very pretty and spends a lot of time on her appearance and can be very very vain, but other times she can have absolutely no self esteem (sometimes she weighs herself several times a day).

When she does rage, her anger often seem to come from absolutely nowhere. She tends to convince herself that something has taken place when it hasn't and uses that as a platform to lash out at people. She gets uncontrollably upset at times and has been diagnosed several times with depression and has been prescribed anti-depressants on numerous occasions. She takes the medication for a while, which does help calm her down, make her more rational and less fraught (although, it only dulls the symptoms, doesn't stop them completely). The problem is, when she is feeling slightly happier she thinks that she doesn't have to take them anymore and everything builds up again. It takes her a lot of convincing to make her go back to the doctor and she convinces herself that nothing is wrong and it's other people that have the problem.

In my eyes I sort of viewed all this as 'just the way she is', but recently her partner (who is also a friend of mine) has told me things which are making me increasingly worried (I tend to over analyse and worry about things too much, possibly as a result of living with a BPD sister). He has told me that on more that one occasion she has locked herself into a room and cut herself (to me this is very unlike her), escaped through a window, and trashed their house. He also told me that more than once after an extreme emotional outburst he has found her talking to herself and he described her as 'seeming possessed' (she has admitted one instance of this to me). I have also noticed, particularly if she isn't taking medication that she goes between being a erratic driver, driving too close to cars in front and unprovoked road rage, to becoming completely disassociated, getting a glazed look in her eye and sort of zoning out. This is causing me concern.

In addition to this, I sometimes feel like her partner is putting me in the middle. It feels like he is looking for reassurance that he is doing nothing to provoke her, which he usually isn't. I feel like he's saying 'See what I have to put up with?,' which frustrates me because I know what she's like, but by agreeing with him she feel ganged up on and accuses me of taking his side. I'd like to think I'm an understanding person, but sometimes the constant walking on eggshells feels like it's driving a wedge between us. My main concern is probably that if I don't continue to empathise with him he'll decide he's had enough, walk out on her and she'll do something extreme like try to kill herself or end up in a serious accident and the thought of that stresses me out.

She has never been diagnosed with BPD, but I wanted an outside opinion on whether or not it sounds like she has it. Also, she only ever agrees to see a doctor when she is at breaking point. Is there any way to approach the subject and should her parter push her doctor for a referral to a specialist? It's hard to know what to do, when she won't willingly go to see someone, but if either of us seek help for her we will be accused of going behind her back which may make things worse.

I love my sister to bits, and would forever feel guilty if something happened to her or she cut off contact with me.

Thanks for reading.

[mamachelle]

Hi hlpmlv,



It sounds like you are close with your sister. It also sounds like she is not showing you all sides of her life and has changed ... . and probably become more ill as she has gotten older.

We can't diagnose here. It's definitely possible she has BPD.

We can support you though with your relationship with your S and help you try to figure out the best way to handle the current situation.

Has your sister ever been in therapy or is she in therapy now?

What does your family think? What is your (and her) relationship with the family now?

Here are a few links that might shed some light:

BPD BEHAVIORS:Dissociation and Dysphoria

PERSPECTIVES: Telling someone that you think they have BPD


Also recommend you pick up this book to help you learn more about BPD. It is a great book that covers a lot.

Essential Family Guide

We are here for you. Many others here are dealing with a sibling or family member with BPD and can help you through.

Yours,

mamachelle

[heartandwhole]

 

Hi hlpmlv,

I'd like to join mamachelle in welcoming you to our community.  I can relate to your feelings - loving your sister and wanting to help.  I'd say that is the kind of brother we would all like to have. 

Here is another resource which may help: The Do's and Don'ts for a BP relationship

You'll find lots of support here, and tools to help your relationship with your sister.  Please keep writing and let us know how we can support you.  We care. 

heartandwhole

[jdtm]

It's wonderful that you wish to "help" your sister and her friend.  However, I believe the only person that I can help is "me".  So, that is where I would start - what can I do to lessen my own stress - how can I make my life happier - what do I need to change - what needs to be added and what needs to be subtracted - and so on.  Sometimes the answer is to "step back" to gain a reality check and get a different perspective. 

As Dr. Phil says "when you choose the behaviour, you also choose the consequence".  I say this phrase to myself often when I try to "fix" things - things I did not cause, things I cannot control and things I will never be able to cure.  Those of us who are "people pleasers" (and I am one) have trouble letting go and trying to make life better and/or easier for others.  Each one of us is on our own path; each one of us will make errors and each one of us will require "teachings/lessons".  Some learn quickly; some do not.  It is hard to see someone fall (especially if we feel we might have been able to make a difference).  I think I am rambling - hope I made some sense ... .

[DreamFlyer99]

Hi hlpmlv! Let me add my welcome to the others. 

That's a lot to see going on with someone you love for sure. And it's truly confusing when you're looking for the reasons behind the behavior. It was my T (therapist) who helped me see what was going on with my husband in terms of the collection of behaviors, but the really stinking part? I can't fix him, I can only work on me.

And like Jtdm, i'm a pleaser and a peacekeeper and like things to be much calmer. But other people get to have their feelings whether or not I want them to (unfortunately!) so all I can do is get the help I need to deal with the situations i'm faced with. Have you thought about talking to a T for your own benefit? It's been super helpful for me as it's taught me what I have control over and what I don't, and this site has helped me learn what things I do that do NOT help the relationship as well as things that make communication much better.

Welcome, and I hope you keep coming back and learning more good stuff. I know i'm learning so much!

[hlpmlv]

Hi,

Thank you all for your replies. It helps to have other people to talk to for sure. I am at a bit of a loss just now, and quite a bit upset after having my sister on the phone telling me she wants to kill herself because her partner has walked out on her after discovering that she was contacting an old flame behind his back. She was sobbing and begging for me to let her come stay with me. It really scared me, and I nearly drove to go pick her up. I phoned my mum in a panic and she talked me out of letting her stay. I really wish I could stop myself from worrying, but I find it really difficult to ignore. Dreamflyer, I think going to see a therapist might actually benefit me. I feel like I've got nobody to talk to, because I've never told any friends or family members about my concerns.

Jdtm, what you're saying makes complete sense to me. I am definitely a people pleaser. I often feel I stress myslef out, bending over backwards to make sure other people are happy. It's the only way I know!

Thank you for the links heartandwhole and mamchelle. They help me to understand so much more what I thought was just part of my sister's personality. She's never been to therapy, and I doubt that I could get her to go. I would say I'm close to my parents in that I speak to them at least once a week and spend a lot of time with them when I'm home (I don't live in the same part of the country as them), but I find it really difficult to discuss feelings/emotions with them (or anyone for that matter). I think my mum probably is aware of the situation (although maybe not the full extent of it). I think my sister calls my mum a lot for reassurance.

And finally, just to clarify, I'm a sister not a brother   

[Suzn]

Hello helpmlv

I want to add my welcome. I'm sorry you've had to deal with a scary situation with your sister.    Suicide threats should always be taken seriously. Is there a reason your mother feels she is safe from this?

This link is full of information in regards to suicide threats. You can offer a suicide hotline number or offer to take her to the hospital for example.

Read more here: TOOLS: Dealing with threats of Suicide and Suicide Attempts

Do let us know how you and your sister are doing.

[hlpmlv]

My mother has spoken to her partner and he has promised to go back home just to make sure she doesn't try to hurt herself, and she has been in contact with me to let me know she is ok and is much calmer now.

[DreamFlyer99]

PHEW!

Well, you have us to talk to now, but a therapist would likely be a GREAT help since you're going to be dealing with your sister for a loong time to come. It's made a world of difference for me to understand what my boundaries even are, and what things are most important to me to help define those boundaries. And this site has helped me understand what I can do for myself in the relationship since BPD can be kinda mind-bending... .

You're a good sister  to care as much as you do.

Keep talking with others here, and i'm hoping someone can point you to the best board for you to post questions on--the list can be accessed by selecting the "boards" tab under the names of the advisors/ambassadors/etc. Maybe look at the "healing from a relationship with a family member" board?

Thoughts? heartandwhole? mamachelle?

[mamachelle]

Keep talking with others here, and i'm hoping someone can point you to the best board for you to post questions on--the list can be accessed by selecting the "boards" tab under the names of the advisors/ambassadors/etc. Maybe look at the "healing from a relationship with a family member" board?

Thoughts? heartandwhole? mamachelle?

Hey DreamFlyer99,

This post has been moved to the Healing Board. That is where we are posting now. 

mamachelle

[DreamFlyer99]

Hey DreamFlyer99,

This post has been moved to the Healing Board. That is where we are posting now. 

mamachelle

AWESOMENESS. That "moving a post" thing is still magic to me... .