What did you learn?

[dangoldfool]

After my relationship of three years, ended about 60 day 12 hours 47 minutes and 28 sec ago. Lol

I wonder did I learn anything, to make me feel like this part of my life was not a totally waste. So here is my list.

1) I learned not to rush into a relationship.

2) I learned not to make other people’s problems my problems.

3) I learned God still answers prayers.

4) I learned that I don’t know how to fix everything.

5) I learned that love can hurt sometimes.

6) I learned sometimes its ok for men to cry.

7) I learned that I better learn to love myself first and foremost.

8) I learned you’re never too old to learn or teach others.

9) I learned that over time your heart will heal, and you love again.

10) I learned to be thankful I got out when I did.

Share what you have learned after your rocky ride on this train, we call BPD.   

[papawapa]

Since I still find myself plotting how to get her back I don't think I learned enough 

[Bananas]

That is a great list, I share many of those.  I would add that I learned (the hard way) to trust my instincts.  Next time I will not be ignoring the parade of red flags!     

[Learning_curve74]

I learned that somebody who is a liar and cheater is not going to change through the miracle of wishful thinking on my part. 

I also learned it's sometimes good to be angry. I'm less likely to be taken advantage of when angered.

[Moonie75]

I learned that I was weak with boundaries, but only in relation to women who offer promise of filling your wildest pornographic desires. I learned that for an otherwise balanced man to be seduced by such contrived worthless dribble, there's a possibility I'm a sex addict! And I may need therapy to prevent me from falling further into a miserable life experience if another person of 'her' nature spots me!  

I'm not joking either & believe I won't be the only one here privately asking themselves the same question.

I'm not trying to be weird, I'm just being brutally honest with myself & you guys.

[dangoldfool]

Curve 74, I guess I'll toss the book the power of positive thinking out now.

[mistrix]

After my relationship of three years, ended about 60 day 12 hours 47 minutes and 28 sec ago. Lol

I wonder did I learn anything, to make me feel like this part of my life was not a totally waste. So here is my list.

1) I learned not to rush into a relationship.

2) I learned not to make other people’s problems my problems.

3) I learned God still answers prayers.

4) I learned that I don’t know how to fix everything.

5) I learned that love can hurt sometimes.

6) I learned sometimes its ok for men to cry.

7) I learned that I better learn to love myself first and foremost.

8) I learned you’re never too old to learn or teach others.

9) I learned that over time your heart will heal, and you love again.

10) I learned to be thankful I got out when I did.

Share what you have learned after your rocky ride on this train, we call BPD.   

I learned to listen to my gut. I am a female divorcing from a BPD male so my experience isn't too different with the exception of the plumbing.

1. Listen to your gut.

2. be grateful when some floozie catches his interest because that is your golden ticket to safety. Up until they get wrapped up in another person, you are in danger.

3. If you feel like rescuing someone, don't DATE them.

4. If they have a series of crazy ex's, according to them; head for the hills. (over the years I realized that he was physically violent with each of his long term girlfriends. He has about a two year egg timer before he gets physically violent.)

5. If it looks like his relationship with his mother is creepy... . head for the hills.

6. You can find humor in their behavior after you are painted black.

ie... My ex painted me black about three weeks ago, after spending two weeks claiming to love me & want to do marriage counseling (after he beat me up in front of our children.). He's in his 40s, jobless, living at his parents house, and posting pervy things all over the internet. I've since dubbed him "Johnny Bravo" because thats how he is behaving, trying to pick up women. He's returned to his hometown, where he's burnt a lot of bridges, so his options for a rebound are slim pickings. Thus he turned to the internet, in an attempt to recreate himself as some kind of fitness guru; he's a super skinny guy with a pooch, that has ears like Jughead. How he describes himself, in comparison to his publicly posted images, reminded me of Johnny Bravo.

7. Get into a routine and surround yourself with positive people. It was hard for about the first two weeks - It still hurts, but its a dull ache. Most of my pain is from seeing him completely blow off our children; he has time to use his mobile to post his Johnny Bravo schmooze, but has still never called his children.

8. Learn to forgive the emotional debt. Think of their love as a car loan, you are forgiving that debt because it's not worth the attachment. It doesn't mean that you are forgetting it, just that the anger isnt worth holding on to. <----- thats the one that really helped me.

9. Enroll in support groups. Consider it part of your routine.

10. Do not date anyone for at least a year because whatever drew you to your BPD, will attract another until you figure out how to disable that warning sign. (I am working on this with my therapist.)

What I have done to help me heal is write him nasty letters that I never send, join support groups, enroll my children and myself in therapy, workout and eat healthier, pursue a divorce based on DV, pay for a restraining order, join a church, obtain fulltime work, and rigidly adhere to not making ANY major life changes.

Will he cycle around to wanting me again? I hope not. Do I wish him well? Of course. I see how sick his family is, his father is an alcoholic and his mother is a narcissist. When I was visiting them, my ex confronted his mother about his father chasing him around with a 2x4 when he was a child, and hitting him. His mother gaslighted him saying "sure he chased you but he missed. You arent remembering it properly"; I saw in his eyes a crushed heartbroken child. To spend your life trapped as an emotionally terrified child, constantly craving love, fearing abandonment and rejecting attachment, is horrible to think about. With absolute certainty, the father of my two intelligent, compassionate, incredible children, will likely die alone, never knowing real love, never feeling the unconditional love of your own children. That sucks.

[Learning_curve74]

Curve 74, I guess I'll toss the book the power of positive thinking out now.

Being too positive kept me sucked in. Only trying to stay positive that I can maintain NC now!

[Learning_curve74]

3. If you feel like rescuing someone, don't DATE them.

4. If they have a series of crazy ex's, according to them; head for the hills.

6. You can find humor in their behavior after you are painted black.

8. Learn to forgive the emotional debt. Think of their love as a car loan, you are forgiving that debt because it's not worth the attachment. It doesn't mean that you are forgetting it, just that the anger isnt worth holding on to. <----- thats the one that really helped me.

Thank you, these really struck a chord with me, things I need to learn!

[mistrix]

3. If you feel like rescuing someone, don't DATE them.

4. If they have a series of crazy ex's, according to them; head for the hills.

6. You can find humor in their behavior after you are painted black.

8. Learn to forgive the emotional debt. Think of their love as a car loan, you are forgiving that debt because it's not worth the attachment. It doesn't mean that you are forgetting it, just that the anger isnt worth holding on to. <----- thats the one that really helped me.

Thank you, these really struck a chord with me, things I need to learn!

You're welcome. When #8 was explained to me during a DIvorcecare support group, it made so much sense that I cried. As crazy as it sounds, it really does work. I went from feeling raw, to feeling like "ew a bug". However, to clarify, you have to do this with each and every "debt" - so something might trigger pain, and you may be thinking "omg I forgave that! why is this happening", and thats because the debt your forgave may have been related to it, but it wasnt that exact debt. its a work in progress.

[Clearmind]

dangoldfool - awesome list 

[dangoldfool]

Clearmind, Thank you.

I like all of mistrix great ones myself.

Come one guys and gals, don't be shy.   What lesson are you learning or have learned, in this Ride with BPD.     

[mcc503764]

8. Learn to forgive the emotional debt. Think of their love as a car loan, you are forgiving that debt because it's not worth the attachment. It doesn't mean that you are forgetting it, just that the anger isnt worth holding on to. <----- thats the one that really helped me.

This is SO TRUE!  I think it's vital to OUR recovery!

I noticed a HUGE difference once I was able to LET GO!  Fact is, it was a process, but I am there... . I accept it and surprisingly I am OK with it!

MY closure came from her actions!  I never received any sort of sincere apology or anything remotely substantial.  I realized that I couldn't rely on her for any of that so I had to give it to MYSELF!

The fact that I was holding on to something that just wasn't there was holding ME down, holding ME back, and suffocating ME!

I tried to express that to my x... . I couldn't tell you what I was trying to accomplish by doing so, but she didn't really seem to "get it!"  Perhaps I was trying to be the bigger person, or take the high road?  She dismissed it, as usual, but at least I got that off my chest!  I forgave her of the emotional debt.  I can move forward confident in the fact that I did the best I could with the cards that I was dealt!

MCC

[Tordesillas]

I learned that I am not God. 

Unlike many on here, I DID see the red flags... . I knew they were red flags!  But I stayed anyway cause I had a combination of pride (I thought I could fix her) and insecurity (i needed to be able to fix her to prove my value). 

[ogopogodude]

I have learned that I was (and still am) bullied. In my situation, ... . my ex-uBPD was/is a bully pure and simple. But I also learned that the effect of "bully-ism" by the perpetrator is only "successful"  (wrong term) ... . if you allow it to be.

In other words, ... I learned about boundaries. Boundaries of placing on the perpetrator as well as myself. This is what I have learned (and still learning).

[ogopogodude]

I have also learned that I cannot save the whales nor the spotted owl of the northwest.

Meaning, ... I cannot "fix" a person with BPD. 

[mcc503764]

I have also learned that I cannot save the whales nor the spotted owl of the northwest.

Meaning, ... I cannot "fix" a person with BPD. 

and just like "saving" the BPD, it is truly a fools errand!  SAVE YOURSELF and RUN!

Best Wishes!

MCC

[mcc503764]

I have learned that I was (and still am) bullied. In my situation, ... . my ex-uBPD was/is a bully pure and simple. But I also learned that the effect of "bully-ism" by the perpetrator is only "successful"  (wrong term) ... . if you allow it to be.

In other words, ... I learned about boundaries. Boundaries of placing on the perpetrator as well as myself. This is what I have learned (and still learning).

My God how that resonates with me to this day!

I was "bullied" into so much in that r/s!  I look back at myself and constantly wonder, "why in the HELL would I have let another person treat me like such s^%t?" 

Of course it "takes two to tango," and all of the other terminology that you can find on GOOGLE, but really WHY did I allow this?

She got what she NEEDED, for the moment, and once the moment passed, she was gone.  Plain and simple.  She was never in it for the long haul. 

She can rest in peace... . thanks for the lesson!

MCC

[GreenMango]

I learned limits are a good thing, how to say "No", and how to determine healthy relationships... . and how to communicate.

All good things out of a hard lesson.

[dancinginthelight]

Ive learned to not ignore alarm bells going off inside my mind and gut

when something is not quite right.

Learning to speak up and not put up with bad behaviour in a partner.

To watch the things they do, rather than just what they say, actions speak louder than words.

Have boundaries of my own and not to share too much personal information early in a r/s