BPD Mother has stolen my sens of self

[Our abuse recovery guide]

I am angry! I am out of town but will have to go back home soon where I suspect my mother will do everything in her power to drive me nuts with guilt because I told her over the phone that I would come back only to rent a room on my own.

My decisions is clear: I do not want to talk to her anymore. It saddens me that my father will be caught between the two of us.

But I want to change the dynamic of my life: I often don't know exactly what I want to do with my life, I am unsure of myself, even when I accumulated plenty of proofs that I can move forward. I have a tendency to isolate myself because I feel like a misfit in social situations.

I've known she had BPD for 2 years now, but my father insist we shouldn't tell her, but instead try to understand her and acknowledge that whatever hurtful thing she might say or do, she does out of a mental condition. Call me selfish, but obviously my father wasn't raised by a twisted mother and I no longer want to deny myself expressions of my feelings and opinions just because Miss mom can't take it, hear it, otherwise she'll lose a cable (again) either crying calling me ungrateful, or enrage and breaking everything that makes noises.

Then apparently it becomes my fault because "I" provoked her, and I'll have to apologize!

F**K HER!

Meanwhile, I'll have to put up with her comments that she makes about my weight, about my privacy that she will mocks while there are guests. I would have to let her burst in my room, uninvited. I would have to let her manipulate me through the use of my financial accounts. She actually did made me believe for a long time that I had difficulty managing my money, But for christ's sake, she was the one pushing me, encouraging me to buy this or that and later criticized the purchased I had done. I hate her!

I can't believe I was so stupid for so long to let her do this to me. And just when I make it clear that I will go on my own and demand to manage my own financials, she says back "well it's clear you're not the one who will take care of us when we'll be old"! Yeah, of course I am not the one, cause she has my older sister as back up.

I felt sympathy, and empathy and compassion for a long time for her. But it was never enough to put her back on her feet. She has sucked me dry of my empathy, and compassion, and I am angry now because I know some people in this world deserve compassion, but I have none to give anymore. An she will never change!

I feel like I have a cold cold heart which feels heavy and unusual, unlike anything I have ever felt.

How am I suppose to go back to my hometown knowing fully well I will have to confront her about giving me back my own cellphone account? Cause I feel like I might hurt her if she opens her mouth to say one more thing that either condescends me, humiliate me, attempts to manipulate me into feelings of inadequacy or guilt.

And how am I suppose to live on my own knowing fully well that my father is living with her? how will I be able to sleep at night comfortably not knowing that my father is safe? or not?

Help me! Cause I am turning into someone violent inside and I don't want to be like that!

[Bones like Stones]

I am angry! I am out of town but will have to go back home soon where I suspect my mother will do everything in her power to drive me nuts with guilt because I told her over the phone that I would come back only to rent a room on my own.

My decisions is clear: I do not want to talk to her anymore. It saddens me that my father will be caught between the two of us.

But I want to change the dynamic of my life: I often don't know exactly what I want to do with my life, I am unsure of myself, even when I accumulated plenty of proofs that I can move forward. I have a tendency to isolate myself because I feel like a misfit in social situations.

I've known she had BPD for 2 years now, but my father insist we shouldn't tell her, but instead try to understand her and acknowledge that whatever hurtful thing she might say or do, she does out of a mental condition. Call me selfish, but obviously my father wasn't raised by a twisted mother and I no longer want to deny myself expressions of my feelings and opinions just because Miss mom can't take it, hear it, otherwise she'll lose a cable (again) either crying calling me ungrateful, or enrage and breaking everything that makes noises.

Then apparently it becomes my fault because "I" provoked her, and I'll have to apologize!

F**K HER!

Meanwhile, I'll have to put up with her comments that she makes about my weight, about my privacy that she will mocks while there are guests. I would have to let her burst in my room, uninvited. I would have to let her manipulate me through the use of my financial accounts. She actually did made me believe for a long time that I had difficulty managing my money, But for christ's sake, she was the one pushing me, encouraging me to buy this or that and later criticized the purchased I had done. I hate her!

I can't believe I was so stupid for so long to let her do this to me. And just when I make it clear that I will go on my own and demand to manage my own financials, she says back "well it's clear you're not the one who will take care of us when we'll be old"! Yeah, of course I am not the one, cause she has my older sister as back up.

I felt sympathy, and empathy and compassion for a long time for her. But it was never enough to put her back on her feet. She has sucked me dry of my empathy, and compassion, and I am angry now because I know some people in this world deserve compassion, but I have none to give anymore. An she will never change!

I feel like I have a cold cold heart which feels heavy and unusual, unlike anything I have ever felt.

How am I suppose to go back to my hometown knowing fully well I will have to confront her about giving me back my own cellphone account? Cause I feel like I might hurt her if she opens her mouth to say one more thing that either condescends me, humiliate me, attempts to manipulate me into feelings of inadequacy or guilt.

And how am I suppose to live on my own knowing fully well that my father is living with her? how will I be able to sleep at night comfortably not knowing that my father is safe? or not?

Help me! Cause I am turning into someone violent inside and I don't want to be like that!

[heartandwhole]

 

Hi Bones like Stones,

I'm so sorry that you have been through so much with your mother.  Your anger is very understandable, and this is a safe place to vent.  Many of our members understand your position as well. You've found a place of support and understanding. It sounds like you really are ready for a change in your relationship, and I commend you for your courage.  Things really can get better for you, there is hope.  We have lots of tools here to help.

When are you planning to move back to your hometown?  Do you have a good support network, like friends or family, or a therapist who are there for you?

Here are some resources that may help you right now:

Acceptance, when our parent has BPD

Children of BPD Parents: Reclaiming Our Lost Selves

Please keep posting.  We are here to support you.  We care. 

heartandwhole

[Bones like Stones]

Well thank you for the reply! I was tense and rough when I wrote the first time.

I am going back home the 14 of august and have a friend with who will lend me her room until I find something for the 1st of september. She is a good friend but I wouldn't say that her and her surrounding are going to be a good support group for the tense month that is coming my way.

I have a lot of things on my plate in terms of going back to university full time, find a job on the side, find a room to rent where I will be able to have my pet!

All of those are going to cost money, and My mother keeps throwing at me bills that I owe her, like she is trying to ruin my chance to afford something decent.

I don't hate her, but I hate her disease!

She is not a severe BPD, but she is definitely BPD, the narcissistic kind!

Anyhow, what I fear the most is how she will try anything to get any information out of me! I wrote her a letter not a long time ago in which I am polite and articulate, and express why I am leaving! But all she could read were isolated sentences she demanded an explanation. I didn't answer at first because I knew what would be her reactions, she wouldn't like the answer. But she kept insisting, and I gave in again, hoping again that maybe this time would be different. BUT NOWAY! She reacted exactly as I suspected! Screaming, throwing excuses, saying I am the one who doesn't see things right! Gosh!

I don't want to give in again! I am tired of wasting my energy in pointless hope!

And, most of all I want to stop talking about her! She is so enmeshed in my brain, that she doesn't have to be there physically that I can hear her comments about everything! Its like my life revolves around her!

I want my life back!

I would like to do all the things I wanted to do when I was a child but that she has discouraged me to do!

thank you for letting me Vent!

[GeekyGirl]

Welcome Bones, 

Living with your mother must have been incredibly difficult. My mother has BPD too, and like yours, she shows many narcissistic traits. It's hard to separate the disorder from the person sometimes, so I understand how you're torn about how much to let her into your life and how much to share with her. It's very frustrating!

You do have a lot on your plate right now, and I'm glad that you have a friend to help you through this. It's really important to have support, and I'd encourage you to reach out to the resources available to you--does your university have a counseling center? Do you have anyone else, be a member of the clergy or other family members who can help?

What can you do to protect yourself and your finances? My mother has also offered unsolicited "help," and I found it to be very empowering to take her name off of my bills and bank accounts. Is that something you could do?

heartandwhole has given you some good resources, and I hope you'll check those out. There's a workshop that I think you'll find beneficial as well: Do not allow others to 'rent space' in your 'head'. You've come to the right place to start taking your life back.

Welcome again, and I look forward to seeing you around here.

[Bones like Stones]

Well thank you, thank you very much! I feel acknowledge!

I have been to the counselling center at University the very first week I started school. It was my counsellor who suggested, after quite a few sessions, that based on how I described my mother and my relationship with her that she might be suffering from Border.Pers.D.

I read Stop Walking On Eggshell and then gave it to my father to read and we just knew that it was it!

I don't know if my sister paid attention when I wrote her about the disorder. She is 9 yrs older than me, which means my mother had her at the age of 18, from a different father. I think my sister is far more vulnerable than I am to our mother.

Obviously, most women suffering this Disorder usually have been sexually abused, and I remember hearing our mother infer about my sister, to my sister, that she was the result of the sexual abuse.  :'(  Even as a kid I knew, I knew that a normal mother would never say such a thing to her own flesh and blood.

When I delves back in those memories that probably ought to be repressed and forgotten, I am always amazed at the cruelty.

The way I see it, my mother's disease has succeeded its agenda to isolate one of her child to become her caretaker.

And she has spoken recently about my sister being depressed and her grandsons being depressed as well and now My mother wants to go spend a few months at my sisters house to "help" her. But isn't what abusive people do, take advantage of people when they are potentially at their weakest? And Hey, is it possible that my sister is only depressed because my mother suggested it to her? It's real, this matriarch has such a grip on my sister: I once heard my sister expressed an opinion that my mother feverishly counter attacked loudly and literally saw my sister's shoulders caving inside and say "yeah! alright, you're right!"

SIGH!

I annoy myself talking, writing about her all the time... I will definitely check out the resources I was offered!

Thanks again!