Hoping to heal after abusive BPD mother

[Peierls]

Hello everyone, I'm really glad I found this forum and would love to know if anyone else out there is on the same kind of journey as me.

To give some background, I grew up as an only child of a 'witch' BPD mother, who caught and married my meek and quiet dad when he was 17 and she was nearly 30. They were part of a religious cult where these kinds of mismatched marriages used to happen fairly often. When I was very young she hated that I was close to my paternal grandmother, so she made us move to the countryside, hundreds of miles from our extended family, so she had me all to herself. Then, my parents didn't send me to school until I was 11, so I had no childhood friends and really terrible social development. Going to school was a horrible experience socially, but it did offer me a way out - I hid in my books, buried myself in studying and dreamt about the day I could get away from her.

I've begun to read about the different types of BPD personalities and everything says that very few BPDs act as a 'witch' all the time, but my mother really did. She was just a giant permanently overflowing pool of rage, and that rage (or "righteous anger" as she called it, claiming she had justification from the Bible) got vented on anyone who got in the way. She used to beat me up and throw things at me for no reason (so much broken crockery, which I got blamed for!) and do things like dumping me in the fields miles from home and driving off, pouring a bucket of icy water over my head and locking me outside in winter, and controlling my food so I was kept hungry. Once she chopped all my long hair off because I stepped out of line in some small way. She also tried to kill one of the cult members one day by driving into them with her car at high speed, with me in the passenger seat (she drove straight towards a wall on my side of the road, which could have killed me too). We had contact with social services but she always acted like an angel in front of them and convinced them that it was me who was mentally ill, not her, so nothing ever happened to stop her. She later forced me into marriage with someone unsuitable when I was still fairly young. I could go on and on about what happened, but it's probably healthier to focus more on getting over her and building a better life. That's mainly why I've come here.

I'm in my early 30s now and - thanks to the escape I got through school - am lucky enough to have a busy career which I mostly enjoy and which has also brought me some financial stability. I've been to counselling and my counsellor says I'm luckily a non-BPD, but my mother is a classic low-functioning BPD. I minimise contact with my mwBPD and maintain just enough to prevent her from showing up and trashing my workplace. However, even after the counselling I still have problems with friendships and other close relationships. It takes me a very long time to learn to trust and to connect to others, and to communicate adequately. I also seem to attract damaged people both as friends and partners. After divorcing in my 20s, I'm now 5 years into another relationship, but still don't have a good emotional understanding of how healthy relationships work and lack the ability to connect to others easily. Does anyone have any tips or experiences on recovery from this kind of situation? I'd really love to build healthier and more fulfilling relationships which *aren't* ruined by the ghost of her.

(P.S. Thanks for reading the wall of text!)

[mamachelle]

Hi Peierls,



You have come to the right place.   You've been through a lot in life and it seems you've done well and managed to build a new life and much safer and healthier existence. That is huge!

Are you in therapy now? How often do you see your mother? Do you have any relationship with your Dad's family now?

Here are a few links that seem like they might help-- we have a ton of information here so please take some time to look around:

Children of BPD Parents: Reclaiming Our Lost Selves

"Red Flags"/How to choose emotionally healthier partners

Workshop - US: What it means to be in the “FOG”

 mamachelle

[Peierls]

Hi mamachelle and thank you for your reply, that's very kind :-) I'll definitely look through those links. I'm not officially in therapy right now but am working with a life coach, she's lovely and is really into helping people develop different and more positive patterns of thinking and behaving. I like her focus on the life in front of us, it's quite refreshing after having already spent so much time trying to get over my past and my mother's legacy.

At the moment I'm living in a different country from my mother (the best move I ever made!), so manage to avoid her as much as possible. Last time I saw her in person was about 3 years ago, though she pesters me all the time on the phone and causes trouble by harassing other people at my workplace if I ignore her for too long. I don't see my Dad's family much as they live a 7-hour journey away, but we're on good terms even though our lives have gone in different ways since I put so much effort in focusing on my career. I do keep in touch with my Dad though, in fact I'm going to visit him this weekend. It's been weird, our relationship has begun to change quite a bit since I started seeing my coach. It feels like I'm only just starting to get to know him!

[mamachelle]

Hi Peierls,

Please do keep reading and posting here on our Healing Board. Having a Life Coach sounds wonderful. 

I had a NPDStepmom and once I went NC (no contact) and started piecing together things from my childhood in my early 30's my relationship with my father changed quite a bit too.

You are still young and have your life ahead of you. There are many wonderful members here and I do hope you find some new tools here to make the rest of your life better.

 mamachelle

[Sitara]

Hi Peierls,

I'm sorry to hear about the difficulties you had growing up.  While I didn't experience any physical violence, my mother did keep us away from the rest of the family, and because she was more emotionally abusive, I didn't realize anything was wrong with the way I was treated until I went away to college and saw the relationships other people had with their families.  I can't help you with any tips, as I'm still in the beginning of my journey of self-growth, but I wanted to let you know you aren't the only one who struggles to maintain healthy, loving relationships.