Thank girl. You've FINALLY bust a boundary beyond my limits of coping with.

[Depression = 72% of members]

I'm currently NC with my high functioning un-diagnosed BPD ex who displays quite strong NPD traits.

been 3 weeks now so still early days but I'm using these boards a lot more often than during any previous break up with her & it's really really helping me so much I can't thank you enough.

Brief overview... . Got together in 2009 & 2010 I moved 300 miles to be with her. She has two children from her failed marriage so I moved instead of her, in order (quite rightly) that they could continue to see their Dad every week.

2009. Long distance VERY HAPPY relationship.

2010. I move to her area & things quickly start going wrong & the demise of the glory days sets in. Little things that test your patience but no other men involved, just lots of petty fault picking with me & low levels of slight devaluation starts. Relationship moves into a mild undulating roller coaster of great times/not so great times, and slowly progressively gathers momentum as the year progresses.

2011. I'm starting to realize I'm in unhealthy relationship now. Still no knowledge of mental illnesses or an idea I'm dealing with one in my own relationship. Biggest realization I'm dealing with a liar comes in first break up. She accuses me of stealing her her car with the spare key she left at my house. I end up reporting the car stolen as she is convinced I've taken & hidden it. I report the theft to prove I'm not guilty to her & also because I genuinely thought it must have been stolen. We both end up in police station where it comes out that she had her ex husband take the car (with her key) and get drop it into garage for some repairs before selling on eBay. She knew all along where the car was & reasons for causing so much trouble , well that's anyone's guess?

Police decide to take no action for wasting their time, but I'm forced to admit there are serious issues going on now!

She leaves me alone for a couple months after that, then manages to recycle me for first time.

After the car incident the cat's out of the bag now! She's not quite the person she sold to me & she knows that I know! The BPD relationship phases & cycles move into full swing now & I'm not buckled up well enough for what's coming.

2012. Idealization starts with another man, rich dude with Ferrari, big house & all the glitter a valueless bell end could lust after. As far as I'm aware no being unfaithful during the relationship. She dumps me & starts seeing him. Goes wrong & she recycles me. This goes on three times between us with same guy involved each time we're 'off'. (Can't believe I took part in this nonsense looking back, but none the less, I did).

Mid year she devalues me & idealizes a guy much older (she 34, he's 50). She dumps me again (I discover this site & other BPD info during this break up). She starts a very intense friendship with him but he backs away eventually as he's not comfortable with the intensity of this new friend. Nothing sexual happened, she just said he was a calming effect on her & time with him did her good. I think he was just considered a wiser, older 'fixer'. We recycle again & the cycles of the roller coaster are really in full swing now. The intense apologies turn to intense hatred & round & round we go.

2013. Up down pattern remains with many problems with us, but no signs of other men. That changes in June when she starts instead of going into 'hater mode', she instead becomes more distant & physical contact is slowly withdrawn. I've been in this relationship a while by now & remember this happened when ferrari dude was on her radar. I roll with it while I try to decipher if this means a new man's around. I find I have a gut feeling about a neighbour of hers, so with no solid evidence, just experience, I end the relationship & go NC.

I've been absolutely amazed at what I've been through in this relationship & the toxic & hurtful events I've managed managed to 'brush under the mat'. I don't know whether to be disgusted with my stupidity or proud of my understanding & patience.

I learn lately that she is seeing another guy. I'm not surprised & expect it to be the neighbour.

I learn today that my gut was right & she's banging the guy two doors down.

I sat & thought about this today. I almost owe her a thank you! There is NO WAY even I could go back knowing the guy two doors away has been through her bed & she through his! She's broke a limit I'd almost started to believe I didn't have. All the other break ups half killed me with upset but this one (for some reason has not). I haven't taken it personally I've just looked at it all as an illness playing itself out. But now the validatators are even her own neighbors! Cheap sex with the guy next door who will enjoy telling his local friends what a 'goer' she is! I assume she's so blinded by her illness she can't even see what a self devaluing situation this is, to her otherwise good reputation in the street, her children who will grow up there, and how awkward this is going to get when it all implodes.

I'll know when it does because her pattern is to return.

I managed to deal with ferrari guy as he lived 50 miles away & I guess 'out of sight out of mind' got me to put that one under the mat.

I managed to deal with older wiser man she took up hanging out with because though she hurt me, it stayed platonic.

I WILL NOT, EVER, be able to brush f***ing the neighbour, away out of sight out of mind! She's forced my arm into me NEVER being able to go back there. She's busted my limits.

THANK YOU GIRL. Even if accidentally, you've saved me from yourself.

[Moonie75]

I'm currently NC with my high functioning un-diagnosed BPD ex who displays quite strong NPD traits.

been 3 weeks now so still early days but I'm using these boards a lot more often than during any previous break up with her & it's really really helping me so much I can't thank you enough.

Brief overview... . Got together in 2009 & 2010 I moved 300 miles to be with her. She has two children from her failed marriage so I moved instead of her, in order (quite rightly) that they could continue to see their Dad every week.

2009. Long distance VERY HAPPY relationship.

2010. I move to her area & things quickly start going wrong & the demise of the glory days sets in. Little things that test your patience but no other men involved, just lots of petty fault picking with me & low levels of slight devaluation starts. Relationship moves into a mild undulating roller coaster of great times/not so great times, and slowly progressively gathers momentum as the year progresses.

2011. I'm starting to realize I'm in unhealthy relationship now. Still no knowledge of mental illnesses or an idea I'm dealing with one in my own relationship. Biggest realization I'm dealing with a liar comes in first break up. She accuses me of stealing her her car with the spare key she left at my house. I end up reporting the car stolen as she is convinced I've taken & hidden it. I report the theft to prove I'm not guilty to her & also because I genuinely thought it must have been stolen. We both end up in police station where it comes out that she had her ex husband take the car (with her key) and get drop it into garage for some repairs before selling on eBay. She knew all along where the car was & reasons for causing so much trouble , well that's anyone's guess?

Police decide to take no action for wasting their time, but I'm forced to admit there are serious issues going on now!

She leaves me alone for a couple months after that, then manages to recycle me for first time.

After the car incident the cat's out of the bag now! She's not quite the person she sold to me & she knows that I know! The BPD relationship phases & cycles move into full swing now & I'm not buckled up well enough for what's coming.

2012. Idealization starts with another man, rich dude with Ferrari, big house & all the glitter a valueless bell end could lust after. As far as I'm aware no being unfaithful during the relationship. She dumps me & starts seeing him. Goes wrong & she recycles me. This goes on three times between us with same guy involved each time we're 'off'. (Can't believe I took part in this nonsense looking back, but none the less, I did).

Mid year she devalues me & idealizes a guy much older (she 34, he's 50). She dumps me again (I discover this site & other BPD info during this break up). She starts a very intense friendship with him but he backs away eventually as he's not comfortable with the intensity of this new friend. Nothing sexual happened, she just said he was a calming effect on her & time with him did her good. I think he was just considered a wiser, older 'fixer'. We recycle again & the cycles of the roller coaster are really in full swing now. The intense apologies turn to intense hatred & round & round we go.

2013. Up down pattern remains with many problems with us, but no signs of other men. That changes in June when she starts instead of going into 'hater mode', she instead becomes more distant & physical contact is slowly withdrawn. I've been in this relationship a while by now & remember this happened when ferrari dude was on her radar. I roll with it while I try to decipher if this means a new man's around. I find I have a gut feeling about a neighbour of hers, so with no solid evidence, just experience, I end the relationship & go NC.

I've been absolutely amazed at what I've been through in this relationship & the toxic & hurtful events I've managed managed to 'brush under the mat'. I don't know whether to be disgusted with my stupidity or proud of my understanding & patience.

I learn lately that she is seeing another guy. I'm not surprised & expect it to be the neighbour.

I learn today that my gut was right & she's banging the guy two doors down.

I sat & thought about this today. I almost owe her a thank you! There is NO WAY even I could go back knowing the guy two doors away has been through her bed & she through his! She's broke a limit I'd almost started to believe I didn't have. All the other break ups half killed me with upset but this one (for some reason has not). I haven't taken it personally I've just looked at it all as an illness playing itself out. But now the validatators are even her own neighbors! Cheap sex with the guy next door who will enjoy telling his local friends what a 'goer' she is! I assume she's so blinded by her illness she can't even see what a self devaluing situation this is, to her otherwise good reputation in the street, her children who will grow up there, and how awkward this is going to get when it all implodes.

I'll know when it does because her pattern is to return.

I managed to deal with ferrari guy as he lived 50 miles away & I guess 'out of sight out of mind' got me to put that one under the mat.

I managed to deal with older wiser man she took up hanging out with because though she hurt me, it stayed platonic.

I WILL NOT, EVER, be able to brush f***ing the neighbour, away out of sight out of mind! She's forced my arm into me NEVER being able to go back there. She's busted my limits.

THANK YOU GIRL. Even if accidentally, you've saved me from yourself.

[Moonie75]

All others who live in that street of only ten houses should, as said recently in another thread on bpdfamily,

"get the popcorn ready".

[bpdspell]

Moonie,

I had two recycles with my BPDexbf. Both came after he tested out new supply in my replacements.

I allowed him to come back into my life after I knew he slept with at minimum two other woman and I was feeling so desperate that I continue to have unprotected sex with a proven cheater.

I allowed him to bust my boundaries because I somehow believed I could etch his betrayal out of my mind. I believed because he came back that it was meant to be and that it meant I was "that" important. All delusional lies I told myself because I didn't value myself enough to let a cheater go.

Moonie. Trust is a very sacred and delicate thing. Once broken it is very difficult to repair and even more mountainous to repair with a mentally ill person.

Once my ex cheated I never trusted him in spite of continuing to have sex with him. Sleeping with him only devalued me more.

My ex blamed me for his cheating and listed the reasons why ... . he never made amends... . and never took accountability for busting the trust. It was a no win situation.

I say all this to say that they leave us, abandon us, sleep with others... . and then we allow them to come back... . expecting them to change. But once they violate us with their betrayal and lies... . the foundation of the relationship is forever destroyed. You cannot put toothpaste back in the tube.

Sometimes it does take that final nail in the coffin for us to see the real them. We get up from the table when we're full and we all have our breaking point. My came when my ex laid hands on me... . that was my point of no return.

Spell

[Moonie75]

Spell,

I fully agree with your final nail thoughts.

If doing things that make you look cheap was an Olympic sport, f***ing the neighbour would get you weighed down with gold!

He has a young son she doesn't like. (will be immediately very testing I imagine)

She's a compulsive liar (including about when she's home & not home).

She likes to hang up on calls & go silent when she's cornered (he lives next door so not gonna be too effective).

She can't lie about what time she got home if he's next door to home.

She hasn't got the distance from him she requires to sneak around or lie about who's there or when they left.

She will be able to watch him like a hawk & will bug him to death about any visitors he has.

Basically they're living in each others pockets & I imagine once the honeymoon period's over the situation will frustrate the hell out of both of them? They can't escape each other or gain any distance from each other at any stage of the relationship from beginning to end. I expect The End will come quickly & explosively.

Only then, in the aftermath, will the cheapness of it all dawn on her & I would go far as to say, she might not even try a recycle next time. She may well work out for herself that even her incredible manipulation skills are no match for the mess she's made this time?

[dangoldfool]

Man you sure have a full glass of patience. I don't think I would be able to keep myself out of jail. With what you've been dealing with. Good to hear your saying. Good bye.   

[Moonie75]

We get up from the table when we're full.

Spell

I'm gonna keep that one 

[babushka]

Moonie75,

That "car stealing" bit really is so demented and creepy. I had an experience like that. All the arguing and accusing me of cheating was one thing but I had something similar happen that just really injured me how creepy it was.

I also had a long distance relationship with BPD. There was a few red flags in retrospect but everything seemed fine. I guess he could hold it together for 2 or 3 day weekends when I saw him. We work for the same company but different offices/states. I few months into the relationship we were on the same field project. We hadn't been dating that long so I still insisted on my own hotel room. I guess I could feel something wasn't right and didn't want to get stuck with him and be too embarrassed to ask the company for a different room assignment. Anyways, he would even get edgy if I was in the shower too long after work so I left my room door open on the hinge in case he came to my room. I heard a door open and shut and he didn't answer when I called his name. So I thought oh hit, a stranger really came into the room. I run out of the bathroom naked and see thousands of dollars in survey equipment I am responsible for gone! I freak out, wrap myself in a bedsheet and run into the hallway trying to see if someone has my equipment. I am frantic. My job will be on the line. I am yelling for help, thinking someone can maybe chase the thief down for me. He comes out of his room all casual but looking sweaty and tense (his disregulated look) and asks me what the problem is. I say someone stole the equipment can he chase them down. He looks real mean at me and says "Maybe this will teach you a lesson about leaving your door open." I break down, worried about my job, and crying. He then produces the equipment out of his room and says he moved it in there because I was being careless with it. But I do know, for some sick reason he did think I deserved a lesson. The weird thing is I would never leave a door unlocked like that. I was just on eggshells with him already and keeping him calm over things normal people would understand took precedence over being totally responsible with the expensive equipment. They like to see you suffer. They like to see you stressed. If I would have taken a shower and locked the door he would have given me the cold shoulder for not answering the phone right away as he was obviously going to disregulate over something that night.

But anyway, sorry for the long reply. Mainly I can relate to your experience of starting things out long-distance with a BPD and how it is when you start seeing them on a daily basis. Its like they have some pent up aggression they can't wait to take out on you.

[mcc503764]

The neighbors must be pretty popular?

Mine left in June 2011, and shortly after was f&^king her neighbor... . nice eh?

They are still neighbors and are not f&*king anymore, so she says, but that's about as effective as pissing in the ocean... .

I've played the recycle game numerous times since then, but Ive finally gotten smart enough to stop it!

I can only imagine the view from his (her neighbors) couch?  You're completely right... . get the popcorn, this is going to be a great movie!

MCC

[Moonie75]

The neighbors must be pretty popular?

Mine left in June 2011, and shortly after was f&^king her neighbor... . nice eh?

They are still neighbors and are not f&*king anymore, so she says, but that's about as effective as pissing in the ocean... .

I've played the recycle game numerous times since then, but Ive finally gotten smart enough to stop it!

I can only imagine the view from his (her neighbors) couch?  You're completely right... . get the popcorn, this is going to be a great movie!

MCC

MCC,

I was going to ask HOW THE HELL did you deal with knowledge after she recycled you, that the neighbor had taken a ride on her?

Then I realized, I'm much, much, safer from her next recycle attempt if I don't know!  

[Clearmind]

Recycling takes two! No one sucks you in for a recycle.

Moonie - I challenge you to start posting a little more of what was it about you that brought to this relationship and why did you stay. You broke up in 2010 and kept going back for more rounds - Why?

[Moonie75]

I was weak & almost boundaryless. Bar the one boundary that's done me good this time, & will stop me going back before I'm healthier & better with boundaries. I won't go back then either but you know what I meant.

I was fresh out of a divorce from a spouse who left me with no explanation what so ever. I was happy in that marriage & to this day have never been told why it ended. I also am certain that I was weaker with my boundaries after I moved 300 miles to the BPD ex. I felt quite alone here in comparison to living where I grew up & it caused me to 'overlook' a lot of that which back home (where id be confident) would've not been tolerated. I also think I partly refused to give up on the relationship for so long because I may have then felt the moving away from friends & family had been for nothing.

I'm sure the dynamics of me not being on my own manor have played a major part.

[Learning_curve74]

What difference does it make if it is your neighbor or somebody else 50 miles away she is cheating with? You said she is a compulsive liar, what makes you think she didn't cheat with Mr. Ferrari and Mr. 50yo? Unless you simply want to enjoy sex with your uBPDex on her schedule, why would you even consider another relationship recycle?

At first I excused cheating by saying it was my BPDex's disease not her. But I came to realize that even if the only cause was the mental illness why would I want to have a relationship with her because cheating is a deal breaker for me. I wouldn't give a blind person the keys to my automobile even though it's no fault of their own that they can't see. Why should I give a BPD cheater the keys to my heart?

[Xtrange]

Well, I gave my stbxBPD my car, then she painted it, then allegedly sold it to her friend (now I know was/is her lover). The money from the car was "stolen" from our house.Then she cried everyday because she didn't have a car; then I  gave her money to buy another one; and supposedly she bought back my car!

[dangoldfool]

What difference does it make if it is your neighbor or somebody else 50 miles away she is cheating with? You said she is a compulsive liar, what makes you think she didn't cheat with Mr. Ferrari and Mr. 50yo? Unless you simply want to enjoy sex with your uBPDex on her schedule, why would you even consider another relationship recycle?

At first I excused cheating by saying it was my BPDex's disease not her. But I came to realize that even if the only cause was the mental illness why would I want to have a relationship with her because cheating is a deal breaker for me. I wouldn't give a blind person the keys to my automobile even though it's no fault of their own that they can't see. Why should I give a BPD cheater the keys to my heart?

Good points, I guess we are so stuck in the relationship,you can't make rational decisions. As I read some post, I'm thinking to myself, WHAT... . why are you doing this stuff why are you letting them get away with doing that. We all have been there. After you get some time out of the mess. You beat yourself up for being so stupid. You deal with the shame, where you don't even want to tell friends, because they would call you stupid or make you feel bad about your decisions. At least here on this forum, you can share and see your not alone and work toward healing yourself.

At this point I wonder if for future relationship. I should get an independent person like a life coach, to evaluate the relationship as healthy or not. So worried about entering another one of these nightmares.

[Undone123]

Check self esteem levels as well. I think that is a common trait with us nons. We don't value our selves. Or we did, but it diminished as time went on.

I agree with you though moonie often we feel like we have invested too much to "give up".