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Author Topic: 'Private & 'Unknown' phone calls  (Read 11178 times)
Zack

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« on: August 08, 2013, 07:12:06 AM »

Hi Family

Two weeks ago my udBPDex promised me the earth and then within 2 hours had changed her phone number so that I could no longer contact her... . I'm not sure why.

Yesterday I recieved a phone call from a 'private' withheld number. I answered the call but the phone line went dead. I then received another 'private' call a few hours later. Today I recieved a call from a number that I didn't recognise... . I could here voices in the background, whether the phone call was intentional or whether the phone dialled by accident I've no idea... . I suspect by accident. I tried calling the number from my works phone... . unknown to my ex, but it went straight to voice mail.

I've never received 'private' witheld phone calls before, my guess is it's my ex?

My question is why?... . to make me think it's her?, to keep me in her thoughts?

Your thoughts would be welcome.

Zack

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Moonie75
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« Reply #1 on: August 08, 2013, 07:32:48 AM »

During all previous break ups me & my ex had... . When she was wanting to remind me of her still being out there in the world, she made it VERY obvious & was far from anonymous!

Nothing right in your face or anything, but very obviously had her at the center of it.

I suspect your ex may be different & want to play, but anonymously? Or you may be reading too much into things?

I learned a long time ago how we do this without even realizing sometimes.



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« Reply #2 on: August 08, 2013, 08:45:10 AM »

Zack,

When my ex borderline and I had breakups the last year, she tried calling me with her number showing and I decided not to answer as I wanted to get out of the relation.  (She then said I was stubbern).  After some time she changed her method and called me as a private number, knowing that I would answer.

I know of other borderlines who also call their ex partners private and unknown without saying a thing.  There's no exact way how they will react, there's no blueprint of 'the' borderline.

Reg
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Tordesillas
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« Reply #3 on: August 08, 2013, 01:21:37 PM »

Since my ex realized I had blocked her phone number, I have started receiving calls from blocked numbers.  I never pick them up, but I would wager they are from her. 
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Lucky Jim
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« Reply #4 on: August 08, 2013, 02:02:28 PM »

Hey Zack, I have little doubt that it's your Ex on the line.  Those w/BPD, in my view, are unable or highly unlikely to resist the impulse to get back in touch, if only to take your emotional temperature and see if they still figure in your life.  They are a persistent bunch, so make sure to maintain your boundaries!  Lucky Jim
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simplyasiam
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« Reply #5 on: August 08, 2013, 03:43:46 PM »

this is frist of 15 recycles with my ex that ive tried to get away from her.

i have got many block number calls in the past four months. some i have answered and it was her.

i think it thier fear of being left... . as long as the do the leaving they are fine you back off from they they lose it and have to make sure your still thier.
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Zack

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« Reply #6 on: August 09, 2013, 06:05:51 PM »

An update.

Yesterday I received 4 'private' calls and then 7 calls from a mobile number I didn't recognise. Each of the calls only lasted a couple of rings. I then receive a call from my ex's home line.

I've not answered any of the calls... . I did read a post once that said any validation or response whether it be angry or polite from the 'non' (uncomfortable with that word... . non) is enough for the pwBPD to have comfort or confirmation that the non is still available. That said I'm it's a tough call, I'm so tempted to make contact and ask What the heck are you doing?

Zack   
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Octoberfest
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« Reply #7 on: August 09, 2013, 06:12:28 PM »

An update.

Yesterday I received 4 'private' calls and then 7 calls from a mobile number I didn't recognise. Each of the calls only lasted a couple of rings. I then receive a call from my ex's home line.

I've not answered any of the calls... . I did read a post once that said any validation or response whether it be angry or polite from the 'non' (uncomfortable with that word... . non) is enough for the pwBPD to have comfort or confirmation that the non is still available. That said I'm it's a tough call, I'm so tempted to make contact and ask What the heck are you doing?

Zack   

Ask yourself whether it is worth risking getting sucked back in.

Something that I am acutely aware of is that my BPDex is a MASTER manipulator, of me especially.  She knows me inside and out, because I opened up to her completely and let her in.  She knows how to push my buttons and get a reaction out of me.  Because of this, I want ZERO contact with her.  I don't want to risk her being able to say or do some little thing that will drag me backwards... .

I actually sat and played "what if" a little today and wondered what I would do if she got a letter to me, seeing as I have blocked her number email and skype.  Would I read it? Would I rip it up immediately? I agree with you, it WOULD be a hard call.  I don't know that I really can commit to an answer one way or another right now... .

All the advice I have for you is to be fully aware of what you are asking for and risking by choosing to engage her again.  Take a long look at the road you have been on involving her and ask if you would mind traveling it again.

I CERTAINLY DO NOT WANT TO.
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Moonie75
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« Reply #8 on: August 09, 2013, 06:36:29 PM »

Just heard my ex's voice in an answer phone message & that was bad enough!

First of 15 recycles you're trying to get away Zack?

Is this the first time YOU ended it & she can't take it? Or she ended it & first time you not getting sucked back?

First of 15 where you're being strong & resisting her tho? Fair play she won't take kindly to that she's had her way 14 times before. In your shoes I'd be expecting her to take a while to 'get it' this time!

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Zack

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« Reply #9 on: August 10, 2013, 03:03:53 AM »

Thanks Moonie, Octoberfest.

I've resisted.

The NC is difficult, we all know that, but on the flip side, being let down, lied to, deceived and cheated on felt a whole lot worse. Nothing will change, she wont change, it would be a life of misery, false hope and broken promises.

Zack
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Surnia
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« Reply #10 on: August 10, 2013, 04:14:30 AM »

Good you could resist, Zack.

In this case I opt for NC, we don't wont reinforce bad behavior.

These phone calls can be very wearing. I really hope they will stop very soon.

However, for the worst case, I would recommend you to make notes, how often, time and so on. Just in case you need to be documented.

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Zack

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« Reply #11 on: August 21, 2013, 06:52:37 AM »

An update

It had been 4 weeks of NC, I'd resisted answering any of the private and unknown calls... . and then the weekend happened.

I was at a family wedding. For me special occasions have always been the time when I struggle the most with NC. Whilst at the wedding I recieved a call and I answered it thinking it was from a relative... . the caller hung up when they heard my voice. At a weak moment I text the mobile number that had called me for several weeks over and over again... . I didn't recognise the number so never answered. I text 'there's no need to be silent'. I then received a text message... . it was my exuBPD fiance. it just said 'hello, how are you?' I replied with 'I'm okay'. She replied with 'I'm glad you're happy to' and then she sent a picture message of her face... . smiling.

I never responded with a text but it has knocked me sideways. I've not received any calls or texts since the weekend. Any thoughts? why send a picture of her face? why keep calling... . I guess for her she doesn't want me to forget her and so as Lucky Jim said, she maybe talikng my emotional temperature.

She's in a relationship with another guy now (although just friends she says), so why keep trying to contact me?. Is she happy? sad?, trying to recycle... . gosh... . God only knows but it has started my mind constantly ticking over trying to figure why.
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Confused69
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« Reply #12 on: August 21, 2013, 07:15:21 AM »

I've been away from my pwBPD GF for almost 5 months.  I've also gotten weird calls. Not sure if its her but its always during her work hours. I never get the calls after 330. That's when she gets off.  Could she be calling from her work number ? i know she changed her number and im sure she doesn't want me to have it.  My question is, what's the difference between private , blocked and unknown calls?  The ones I get mostly are unknown. Anyone have any idea?  I get one of these unknown calls about once a week.  Ive answered before but no one is on the line.  Thanks
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MatzlanGirl

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« Reply #13 on: August 21, 2013, 11:42:09 AM »

An update

It had been 4 weeks of NC, I'd resisted answering any of the private and unknown calls... . and then the weekend happened.

I was at a family wedding. For me special occasions have always been the time when I struggle the most with NC. Whilst at the wedding I recieved a call and I answered it thinking it was from a relative... . the caller hung up when they heard my voice. At a weak moment I text the mobile number that had called me for several weeks over and over again... . I didn't recognise the number so never answered. I text 'there's no need to be silent'. I then received a text message... . it was my exuBPD fiance. it just said 'hello, how are you?' I replied with 'I'm okay'. She replied with 'I'm glad you're happy to' and then she sent a picture message of her face... . smiling.

I never responded with a text but it has knocked me sideways. I've not received any calls or texts since the weekend. Any thoughts? why send a picture of her face? why keep calling... . I guess for her she doesn't want me to forget her and so as Lucky Jim said, she maybe talikng my emotional temperature.

She's in a relationship with another guy now (although just friends she says), so why keep trying to contact me?. Is she happy? sad?, trying to recycle... . gosh... . God only knows but it has started my mind constantly ticking over trying to figure why.

Is she aware that you prefer not to be contacted by her? If that is the case, then you need to send her a clear, precise message letting her know that you do not want any more contact. Once you inform her of that, keep it as proof that you requested that she not contact you. (I got that little tip from a police officer, once). Then, if she persists, you have a legal right to get the law involved, if you choose to go that route. What I am seeing and understanding, as is the case with BPD's, once they succeed in getting you to "respond/reply" to them once, you get their hopes up that they might have a chance to manipulate you back into the relationship. So I've read on many articles on this site about BPD, that if you are really serious about ending the relationship once you've separated, the "no contact rule"... . none whatsoever... . is a good policy to abide by, to avoid being manipulated and suckered back into it, cuz once you give them that "foot in the door" again... . in their mind, that's like sending them a message that they may still have a chance with you. I hope this helps. Hey, I try.
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Surnia
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« Reply #14 on: August 21, 2013, 11:43:50 AM »

Hi Zack

I hope you could enjoy the wedding anyway!

Its a bit special the smile face... . I would not think to much in it. Perhaps she needs to reassure herself.

For the moment the silent calls are gone, this is good.

Keep going with your new life



To confused69

Reveiving calls and there is no voice its a confusing thing and can be sort of harassment. Just in case it get worse: I would make from now on notes about it. The time, day,  and if you can see a number, you make notes about the number too.

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MatzlanGirl

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« Reply #15 on: August 21, 2013, 12:05:12 PM »

Good you could resist, Zack.

In this case I opt for NC, we don't wont reinforce bad behavior.

These phone calls can be very wearing. I really hope they will stop very soon.

However, for the worst case, I would recommend you to make notes, how often, time and so on. Just in case you need to be documented.

Zack, I also agree with Surnia. That's a good idea too, to "document" all the calls, the date, time, whether or not the caller remained silent, whether it was a "hang up" call when you answered it, etc. and then I would call my cell phone company and tell them you are getting unwanted calls, and see what they can do. It does sound like she's using numbers that you wont recognize, to try to get you to answer it and respond to her. What about having your number changed? Can you do that? I know that it's sometimes a very inconvenient thing to do, to go to all that trouble to have to give everyone you know your new number, but it might just boil down to... . you may not have much choice, cuz it really sounds like she's really persistent, and determined, and don't want to give up easily... . so she keeps up her relentless hounding of you. I suppose the only other option might be to involve the law, and let them investigate where the calls are coming from? But, as for me, I prefer to handle things in a more quieter way, if I can, and deal with things in my own way, if possible, without involving the law. I guess its up to you, but it sounds like she's gonna just keep it up until you do something to put a stop to it. Good luck!
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« Reply #16 on: August 21, 2013, 12:38:31 PM »

Hi Zack -

Phone calls and text messages from numbers I did not recognize were my ex's favorite way to try to stay in touch with me. After our breakup, I immediately (and very proudly have stayed!) NC. Shortly after we broke-up, I began to receive random phone calls or texts saying things like "Hey", from numbers I did not recognize. 

When I first began to receive these calls and messages, I wondered if it was from her. At first, to the text messages I would reply and there was never a reply back. Again, I always had a suspicion it was her. Then, a little over a month ago, I did receive a text directly from her (to which I did not reply).

Do you know what that one text message did in my mind? In my mind, it CONFIRMED that she was behind the anonymous calls and texts. It CONFIRMED that the time I thought I saw her sitting in her car outside my place (but couldn't tell for sure), was in fact her. All of the things that I had a suspicion she was behind, that one text (after 7 months of NC) confirmed to me she was still doing things to try to stay in touch with me. Although my suspicions  (at least in my mind) have been answered, one new question came to mind... . "What else has she done that I don't know about?"

My advice for you is to ignore it as best as you can. Don't respond. Responding only feeds the illness. I haven't received any of the anonymous texts or calls since I received the text from her, but I wouldn't at all be shocked if they come again at some point. If you find it hard to ignore these attempts, my advice would be to change your number (even though I know that can be a pain).
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« Reply #17 on: August 21, 2013, 10:33:06 PM »

I always documented the crazy numbers with no message. At one point, I wrote in my journal, "How could 30 people misdial my cell phone when it never happened before?" Then my teenagers explained the mystery. There is an app you can get for your phone which disguises the number you are calling from to be anything you want. Oh, the "Aha" moment of yes, I knew it, but no one else around me will believe it. But I knew it for sure.
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musicfan42
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« Reply #18 on: August 22, 2013, 08:53:37 AM »

I really think the private phone calls, texts etc are scary. It made me think "well if they're capable of harassing me like this, then they're capable of doing anything". I have to be honest and say that it DID remind me of Fatal Attraction! Has anyone else felt this way?

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« Reply #19 on: August 22, 2013, 09:05:16 AM »

My ex always called from skype so number was always blocked or unknown.

During recycle attempts he would often phone repeatedly, 4/5 x in succession, or leave anguished messages.

I was recently very heavily devalued and dumped and he had been NC for 2 months (without blocking me on fb/skype though!) but yesterday got a blocked call again. I NEVER answer them now, in case they are from him.

His email goes to the trash, but I got a direct text yesterday (a fishing expedition! see other thread!) and checked the trash and he had emailed twice, saying not very much. A fake promise to apologise/explain.

I am now pretty sure the blocked call was him. Only one... . but this from the man who said I was evil, psychopathic, he would never speak to me again, etc.

The tune is always the same eh. 'Stalking' to some extent or other... . a desperate and ambivalent need for our attention.
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asher2
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« Reply #20 on: August 22, 2013, 10:28:22 AM »

I really think the private phone calls, texts etc are scary. It made me think "well if they're capable of harassing me like this, then they're capable of doing anything". I have to be honest and say that it DID remind me of Fatal Attraction! Has anyone else felt this way?

When we initially broke up, I felt the same way. Perhaps I was overreacting, but she had told me about her behavior after her and the guy before me broke up. Apparently she had to be escorted off the ex's property by police because she wanted to talk to him and he wanted nothing to do with her. Shortly after that, she had a suicide attempt.

After our breakup, she still had keys to my place but never gave them back to me as we had agreed upon. When I realized that trying to get the keys back was going be more of a hassle than it was worth, I changed the locks. Personally, I didn't think she'd do anything harmful to me or my place, but a friend of mine (knowing about her past suicide attempt) thought it would be a good idea to change the locks in case she tried to do something harmful to herself at my place. I had never thought of that and I did immediately have the locks changed after my friend said this to me. THE NEXT DAY, after I had my locks changed, I received a text from her, saying that she was at my place and she was upset that I had changed my locks. Why she was at my place, I have no idea (I was at work). But I was definitely glad my friend talked me into changing the locks.

I suppose you cannot be too careful after a breakup with someone with a mental illness. With that being said, I don't think you can or should live your life in fear. My advice would be to take care of the practical things that you can take care of and have control over and don't worry about the rest (I know, easier said than done!). For me, part of the freedom of breaking up with her was knowing that I no longer had to "put up" with the drama that came with being with her. In my mind, if I lived my life in fear of what she might do, she still had power over me. I eventually got to the point where I wasn't going to let her "win" and I stopped the worrying. Try to control the things you can and do your best to not worry about the things that might happen.
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Lucky Jim
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« Reply #21 on: August 22, 2013, 10:34:55 AM »

In my mind, if I lived my life in fear of what she might do, she still had power over me. I eventually got to the point where I wasn't going to let her "win" and I stopped the worrying. Try to control the things you can and do your best to not worry about the things that might happen.

Well said, Asher2.  Yeah, my BPDex did some of the same things, but unfortunately I was married to her so it took a lot longer to extract myself from the toxic soup.

Lucky Jim
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musicfan42
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« Reply #22 on: August 22, 2013, 12:32:03 PM »

Personally, I didn't think she'd do anything harmful to me or my place, but a friend of mine (knowing about her past suicide attempt) thought it would be a good idea to change the locks in case she tried to do something harmful to herself at my place. I had never thought of that and I did immediately have the locks changed after my friend said this to me. THE NEXT DAY, after I had my locks changed, I received a text from her, saying that she was at my place and she was upset that I had changed my locks.

See that's the exact type of thing I fear. I have that thought in my head "no they won't harm me because we were so close at one point" but the thing is, that is gone and once that is gone, the loyalty or pseudo-loyalty (whatever you want to call it) is gone completely. It's sort of that thing of "all fair's in love and war". 

When we initially broke up, I felt the same way. Perhaps I was overreacting, but she had told me about her behavior after her and the guy before me broke up.

I don't think you were overreacting-I had a feeling of panic/fear and I honestly think it was my gut instinct/intuition coming into play.

Thanks for your great advice asher2 by the way Smiling (click to insert in post) I've been doing what you advise anyways-taking precautions and then getting on with my life as best as I can but it's still in the back of my mind. Hopefully, as time goes on, it won't be such a dominating thought in my head!
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DetroitDame

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« Reply #23 on: August 23, 2013, 11:47:03 AM »

An update.

Yesterday I received 4 'private' calls and then 7 calls from a mobile number I didn't recognise. Each of the calls only lasted a couple of rings. I then receive a call from my ex's home line.

I've not answered any of the calls... . I did read a post once that said any validation or response whether it be angry or polite from the 'non' (uncomfortable with that word... . non) is enough for the pwBPD to have comfort or confirmation that the non is still available. That said I'm it's a tough call, I'm so tempted to make contact and ask What the heck are you doing?

Zack   

Zack, just enjoy that they are thinking of you but don't get sucked back into the madness.  It is tempting and I resist almost daily but you are worth more than their unhealthy, emotionally draining drama.  Smile at the phone and politely ignore!
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MatzlanGirl

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« Reply #24 on: August 26, 2013, 08:06:39 AM »

Hey Zack,

As far as the "what if" you get a letter in the mail, what would you do? Well, I would recommend not even opening it at all, and then just take it back to the post office and ask them to "return it to sender." As long as it's not opened, it won't cost you a penny to have them return it to the sender. Easy enough, huh?
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