Healing from Childhood Wounds

[Clearmind]

Hi Everyone

A few of our Healing Members are pregnant (as am I) and also have young kiddos. We can all appreciate how our childhoods have impacted us as adults. My therapist asked me recently what work I can do on myself so that I don't repeat the same pattern for my little one.

For those expecting, for those that are Dads and those that have kiddos already what are a few of things you have knowingly changed as you became a parent?

[mil2bpd]

Well, I'm not expecting - those years are gone -- but I spent years in the field of reproductive health and I do have children having children so the biggest thing I have been striving to impart to them is RESPECT. In what I say, what I do and how I do it. Most of all, simply being with them, touching them, honoring their presence. Speaking to them on their level, mirroring them and validating their feelings. The last is probably one of the most important things I learned from my own childhood. "Oh, don't feel sad/angry/upset", "don't cry", "act your age", "try eating this you'll like it", "don't eat that, you won't like it" -- those are destructive things to project onto a child. If he or she is feeling a certain way, sit with them until the feeling passes. Don't call them "bad" for having the feeling - you can say things like "I see that's upsetting you, let's wait together until you're done being upset". Give them permission to feel what they're feeling - I don't mean endorsing tantrums by any means; if it means removing them from the situation and letting them know you're finding their behavior displeasing and disruptive, that's quite a bit different from telling THEM they are the cause.

I'd give them encouragement from day one but that it's okay to make mistakes - not everything we do is going to be perfect and that is okay. There is nothing to be ashamed of. Get rid of shame as much as possible! Shame is the harbinger of guilt and core voids. But balance it realistically. Give love - and give guidance, hand in hand. Let them know that not everything they do they're going to excel at but teach them to share what they can with others, and learn what others have to share as well. And with that sharing comes greater respect.

Teach that by how they see you interact with others. Be mindful of common courtesies - how you greet people you meet, whether it's doctors who care for you or custodians who sweep the floors. How and what you say to family members, neighbors and friends - both directly to them and when they're not present. This is how children learn manners and have pride in what they do, who they are, how they treat themselves and how they treat others. 

Blessings to you, your children and your children's children,

MIL

[Sitara]

I am very interested to hear other people's responses!

My kids are the entire reason I started doing something about my relationship with my mom.  One day I had the thought, "Would I be okay if someone treated my children the way my mom treats me?  What am I teaching them by allowing it to continue?"

One big thing I have started doing is using the communication tools for dealing with BPD with my 4 year old.  I was having a really hard time getting him to listen and he was acting out and I would get really frustrated.  When I was reading some of the communication tools, they seemed like they covered some of the areas I was lacking in that department.  The two that I've used the most are validating his feelings and active listening.  I hadn't been doing either before.

The second thing I've really been working on is managing my anger better.  (This is actually pretty embarrassing for me to admit.)  Things would build up inside me until I was boiling over and I would lash out at anyone nearby.  I'd snap at him for nothing.  I realized I was just my mom all over again.  I remembered how that felt.  I knew it needed to stop.  Just the other day, I was feeling like I was going to blow and I knew I was going to have trouble controlling it, and my kids were overtired and crabby.  It was not a good combo.  So I put them in the stroller and decided I was going to walk until I no longer felt that way.  They love going for walks, so they didn't mind an extra-long one.

Oh, I just remembered one more.  My son is very emotionally sensitive (very hard to deal with being out of touch with my feelings).  One day he told me, "I don't love you when you're mad."  A light bulb went off in my head - I think he doesn't think I love him when I'm mad!  I responded with, "That's ok, but I still love you when I'm mad."  Since then, he often checks when he's in trouble or if he thinks I'm mad to make sure that I still love him by saying, "I love you Mommy," just to see if I'll say it back.  And I make sure to always, ALWAYS, say it back.  That's not something I heard growing up.

It's amazing what a difference these things have made!  I already see a positive change in my son.  He's more outgoing and more sure of himself, and this is just the beginning!  I think you just need to be brutally honest with yourself about behaviors you find yourself repeating from your youth and find a way to work through it.

[mommasa]

Two things leap to my mind: 1) I always, always remind myself that my children are not an extension of me, they are individuals who will some day grow up not to need me and that we will always remain independent people and that is okay and HEALTHY b/c I don't want to repeat the horrible enmeshment and lack of self-hood I experienced as a child.  2) I probably over-compensate in favor of patience and not getting angry.  I haven't found the perfect balance yet and my DH thinks I am way too lax w/ the kids and that I kind of coddle them; but after getting screamed at for minor infractions my entire childhood; my reflexive instinct has been to just be patient and loving with my kids and try and teach them through talking to them and not screaming and punishment. But I worry that I need to find a better balance so I am not letting them run around without proper rules and boundaries - but it is hard; every fiber in my being wants to do the EXACT opposite of everything my mom was like!   

[Clearmind]

mil2BPD and sitara - emotional validation is exactly what I came up with my therapist. I didn't receive validation and do find it hard to get out of my head and into expressing my emotions. I'm still working on it but I'm so please I got to the bottom of it.

And yes absolutely sitara - validation and SET and all the communication tools are perfect for children.

I once read a book on positive validation for children. There was a scenario in there - a child comes home from school and said "I hate my teacher, she is mean". If that was in my household I would have been scolded for hating anyone or being angry at anyone - in the book it simply said "I'm sorry you feel that way, Johnny" - the little boy run off and played like nothing had happened that day. A child's emotions flip on a dime - validate, validate, validate - not the behaviour but the emotions.

That was a huge revelation to me.

Momm, wow yes - enmeshment - its so tempting to keep your children so close they can't breathe! It says more about us as parents and our own insecurities - I would love for my child to feel free. The other one that came up for me was openness - be open to listening and not fixing. Kids want boundaries - however ones that are reasonable. I totally agree. However, not contradict. I grew up with a lot of contradictions and it became so confusing as an adult as to what is the "right" way to feel given any situation.

And the 3rd one for me - not requiring my child to be a little parent and look after me... . be a kid, get dirty, fall over, explore and be happy doing simple stuff - with no fear of consequences.

To then be able to show my child these life experiences - It also means I need to show myself the same level of kindness and compassion. Kids mirror more than we care to admit. So I am working on self worth - live by example.

Thanks for chiming in guys - it has given me some food for thought  .

[GeekyGirl]

I can really relate to many of the points that you all brought up. Our DS is 3 and we're thinking about #2, which is stressing me out a little.

Anyhow, the biggest change I'm making is, as Clearmind alluded to, is that I'm encouraging DS to be ok with his emotions and respond to them in healthy ways. I wasn't allowed to be angry either. I couldn't disagree with my mother. I'm actively working with DS to explain why he feels a certain way and if he's responding inappropriately (he went through a hitting/batting phase), to use words to convey his message. I've also given him some space if he needs it.

To be honest, my mother split my brother and me, and that's one of the things that scares me about having another baby. I know that I'm not my mother (and my T tells me that I'm not wired to be like her either), but I worry that I would favor one child over the other. Some of that isn't BPD-related, as I've read that it's a common concern, but it's something that I have to really watch if/when we do have a second.

[Finding Courage]

I have a 12 month old daughter.  When I found out I was having a girl, I broke down in tears because I was so emotional thinking about what it would mean to have a mother-daughter relationship.  I actively work on a lot of things to make her childhood better than mine:

-My uBPD mom sole reason for having me was to fill her unmet needs.  She used me as her therapist, friend, spouse, and anything to meet her needs without ever considering mine.  This "emotional incest" has been extremely difficult for me to recover from.  With my daughter, I work very hard to keep our identities separate.  It is not her job to be there for me, she doesn't need to know about my problems, and I accept her individuality.

-I also try very hard to keep myself as emotionally stable and consistent as possible around her.  I want her to have the experience of a parent who stable and well.  My mom was constantly going from one crisis to another and the toxic stress of that is something is still have a hard time moving forward from.  I am hyperviligant at times and when things are calm, I feel the most anxious.  I want my daughter to understand what calm and peace can feel like.

-My mom was VERY excited about my daughter being born, another generation to take advantage of (since I have developed much stronger boundaries).  So, I greatly limit her contact with my child.  My mom has repeatedly asked about Skype and I told her we don't really use it.  I limit what she sees on facebook.  And I don't live nearby, so she can't see her in person much.  I feel like it is my job to protect my daughter from my mom's influence. 

For me, it is a deeply emotional and sometimes sad topic to think about how I will raise my daughter differently.  It highlights what I didn't have with my mom, but also gives me opportunity to change and grow.