I stayed with her because...

[DeRetour]

Hey gang,

It's been about 3 weeks since the breakup. For the last couple of days I've been doing a little thinking on why I stayed in this relationship for as long as I did. I figured the easiest way to do this would be in list form, not in any one particular order. Here it goes:

I stayed with her because... .

1) Our connection felt passionate, strong. Unlike in all previous relationships, this girl seemed to be on the same page in terms of chemistry.

2) An addiction pattern set in early: When we were first dating, there was a lot of uncertainty - I'd never know for sure when I'd see her the next week. We'd have amazing sex, and spend time together talking, hanging out, etc., and then she'd have to go home. I began to notice that I'd get the shakes 3-4 hours after she left.

3) The state of limbo: In the beginning, I especially needed to "win" her. It took a few months of dating exclusively before she was ready to be my girlfriend. This was never something I'd dealt with in previous relationships, by the way. So it's not that I lacked experience here, I just somehow allowed her to step over some boundaries that I didn't even know existed before. She'd tell me about other guys flirting and asking her if she had a boyfriend. She would tell me, her response was "I'm not with anyone... but I'm not interested." Ugh. I almost left with this, but she'd hint at what I could have if she were to be my girlfriend - roadtrips together, her 100% commitment, her cooking, and of course our chemistry, etc.

4) She seemed like she came straight out of my dreams. She exuded something that really brought out both an animal attraction AND a deep sense of tenderness. I wanted to take care of her and I wanted her to be all mine.

5) Anxiety. I felt anxious about losing her to anyone. In the beginning, she seduced me with her contradictions. On the one hand, she was disarming, chubby, sweet, quirky, unpolished, etc., and yet, there was a feeling of raw, primal attraction. I really couldn't stand the thought of anyone else having this with her.

6) Skilled. She was adept in the kitchen. She made organizing around the house fun.

7) Waiting for her to self-correct. "If you don't trust me, why are you with me?" she'd sometimes ask me. It's true, she did 3 things that broke my trust with her. Supposedly, she never cheated, but, early in our relationship I learned she had been webcamming   . I confronted her on it, she cried and cried, confessed, explained it started in her last relationship when her ex was only having sex with her once/week. She had body image issues and apparently she felt like he was losing interest. Hmm. Anyway, she promised she stopped. We had a discussion, but beyond a verbal promise, really nothing. I waited, hoping she'd eventually come to her senses and make more effort to show me that she completely stopped this behavior and that she saw just how ___ty this behavior was within our relationship.

8) Promise of having a life partner. She was getting ready to move in with me, we were planning on growing old together. She'd pull me right back in with the promise of a life together with this particular picture. Somehow, I found I wanted it more after we were just recovering from a fight.

In short: Partial reinforcement (think: slot machines) and the addiction pattern were a big part of sticking around.

Sorry if this was long. Now, if you've read this far, would you take a moment to tell me your immediate thoughts and/or what kept YOU in your BPD relationship?



Thanks again!

[Clearmind]

Hi DeRetour, it took me a while to understand why I got into my relationship. However in brief summary - I needed to be needed and equated the intensity we had for love. I was very misguided. My own relationship skills lacked somewhat and I would say I was very emotionally immature.

I grew up a BPD household and my father was an alcoholic. My mother is a loving person however enabled my fathers behaviour and was not a boundary setter. My father ruled the house and his emotions over rode ours. I became the little parent, fixer, good girl and care taker for all that needed my time. I had no needs because I was not permitted them as a child.

Enter a Borderline - we were a perfect match. Our reasons for entering these relationships stem back well before they came along.

[DeRetour]

Clearmind,

Yes, if I dig deeper, I can certainly say that I had a need to be needed. On one level, I'm completely turned off at the thought of being some sort of "helper" or "assistant" in this dynamic, ugh. In fact, initially I wanted her because I felt like I had finally found a partner who made me feel sexually and romantically wanted, like the man I wanted to be. In my relationship before her, I don't think she had BPD. However, I felt chronically emasculated and invalidated on a sexual and romantic level.

Going further back at my own background... .

Yes, I grew up in a dysfunctional family. On one level, we had a very "normal" middle/upper middle class life. Parents were both well-educated, respected, etc. They remained married until I was 11. Behind closed doors a lot went on -parents fought a lot - yelling, throwing chairs, physical fights, threats to call the police, etc. When I look at the relationship I (and my younger sister and brother) had with our parents, we were scared. On one hand, our dad was emotionally and (much of the time) physically unavailable - when he wasn't at work, he was locked up in his office or in a fight with our mom. I have memories of being huddled up with my sister and brother in my room.

During the last year of their marriage, my mother had an affair, then filed for divorce. The affair was followed by rebounds with other men - I remember feeling so cheated and "less-than" with all of this. My dad convinced me (showing more attention than ever) to live with him. Within a year or two, my brother and sister came to stay as well. My dad, spent much of that time depressed. When he wasn't depressed, he was micro-managing us. For the last 3 years I spent in that house, before going away to college, I got addicted to getting into physical fights with him. During most of this time, my mom made very little attempt to visit.

EDIT: something I also meant to mention here... I learned as an adult that my mom had been raped by someone close to her in her early childhood. This explained a lot of the horror that I picked up on from her. As a child I was terrified of strangers, for instance. I felt horrified if my parents had withdrawn in any way. I know she had issues with men throughout much of her life. She's in a healthy marriage now, from what I can see, but yes, men were significant in her life and seemed to be more important than her children - or so it felt. I guess, looking back I felt chronically invalidated. I always felt like she was ready to leave if I wasn't perfect enough. Hmm.

I hope this wasn't too much info. So, how did I feel affected? Behaviorally, I needed to be "invisible" for my parents unless they were ready to "show" us to co-workers, friends. On the other hand, growing up, I was very curious-minded and had a strong need to be social. I did what I could to maintain friendships throughout middle school/high school. But eventually, I was just overwhelmed and withdrew. Once I left the house for college, I made friends and began the healing process. I went into therapy for several years. I also went to acupuncture and took up yoga. I got into a few relationships in college, eventually meeting the girl who'd become my wife. Over several years, that went bad and we resented each other and split up. We just didn't feel we were on the same page as partners/lovers. I felt like my masculinity and self-expression were chronically invalidated with her stubborn hyper-liberal mindset. Within a couple of months after the marriage ended, I met my uBPD-exGF. And here I am, doing what I can to ride out the waves.

In all of these relationships, I struggled with being assertive. The chemistry I had with my uBPD-ex was stronger than any of these other relationships. I felt a strong, intense connection, but... . it was obviously toxic. Whereas, during the relationship I stayed with her for those reasons I mentioned at the start of this thread, I realize now that this feels a lot like what I imagine detox or rehab to be - periods of anxiety, shaking, deep sadness, restlessness, complete loss of libido, loneliness, bitter and jealous when I see happy couples holding hands, and... . ugh, it's a struggle.

I'm so sorry this is a long post. My purpose here is to reach out, share my experience, and hopefully hear some others. Yes, I do need some support - I admit it. I don't think my family will understand quite what this has been - mostly they think she was bi-polar and immature. So, yes, I'll probably go back later and summarize this in a more concise manner. Thoughts? Feedback? Thanks again if you read this far! Have a good weekend. Take care of yourselves. I'll be reading some posts as well.

[snappafcw]

Sigh... . Just before my breakup I told my ex I need to be needed... .

You hit the nail on the head clear mind I feel so ashamed and embarrassed for saying that.

[gettingoverit]

I stayed because I thought I loved her. I really wanted to believe all that soul mate forever stuff. It was really hard to let go of that. Plus the emotional and financial commitment that I had made... . I just wanted to get something back in return. A return on my investment sort of speak. You put soo much time and effort into these relationships, hoping that things will go back to how it was in the beginning. However as we all know on this board, no matter what you do or don't do, it is never enough and it never goes back to how it was in the beginning. Inevitably, you are left standing there alone and depleted in every way possible.

[Ittookthislong]

im far enough along to realize i stayed simply because of an addiction

im still dwelling on it only because im mad at myself for being an addict and how much i messed up my life over this drug that didnt do miuch other than hurt me and leave me broke

[DeRetour]

Snappafcw,

Thanks for sharing. That really sucks, doesn't it - realizing that you had a need to be needed? Honestly, the way I see it, there's nothing wrong with wanting to be important to others in your life - that seems like a very human thing. I think it's simply a matter of the intensity of the need. And in this kind of relationship, it was toxic. Hang on and continue that walk forward - nothing weak about that.

And gettingoverit,

I totally know what you mean about the whole soul mate thing. People can debate that - some are ultra-pragmatic and completely scientific and would dismiss this kind of thinking as naive or "magical" thinking. And then there are those folks who tend to be more on the airy end of things. I don't consider myself particularly middle-of-the-road, but I will say I'm comfortable with a certain kind of ambiguity. What I'm trying to say is that I don't discard of the notion of there being such a thing as (what many would call) a soul mate. All that said, I think the intensity, as Clearmind so succinctly put it, is what I mistook as a special connection. Sorry, another thing I want to say about the progression of the relationship. In my situation, I actually don't think it was better in the beginning. In the beginning, we weren't even boyfriend/girlfriend. (Hah! I gave her way too much control of the relationship!)Sure, there was an intense chemistry, but as time went on, my uBPD-ex-GF actually promised more commitment (moving in, integrating me into her family, discussing eventual marriage, having children, growing old together) as time went by.


Okay. I'm going to attempt to summarize why I stayed in a more concise manner in my next post. I won't hide it, I feel like I could use the extra support today. I'm off today and really taking some time to process this stuff. The weekend is here and I'm dreading feeling lonely and seeing all those happy couples and families out. Sorry, I'll stop here and just post something more readable in my next one. Take care gang! Be well. If you have any relevant thoughts (why you stayed with your ex, etc.) or advice here, please... . post. Thanks!

[DeRetour]

ittookthislong,

Thank you for sharing your thoughts here too. I'm so sorry that's been your experience - the relationship as an addiction. Please know that you are far from alone in that one - same boat here! I know the feelings come up, but try not to blame yourself for it. I know that for me, there were reasons I was drawn in and became addicted (and I mean it really felt like a full-blown addiction - my body would shake and I'd often be on the verge of anxiety attacks if I felt abandoned by her, etc.). It's good you recognized this and you can be on the road to better things, being whole again! Take care!

[seeking balance]

DeRetour,

Good thread - thanks for sharing and digging deep!

I stayed for many reasons, but the core - deep down is that I wanted my own family at all costs.  On paper, it all looked great and once I had committed 100%, I was not backing down no matter the cost to my own sanity it seemed.  Dating sucked, I was in my mid-30's, so when this person swooped in and SAID all that I wanted to hear, I overlooked the massive red flags and forged ahead anyways... . we were living together almost immediately.  Well, I rationalized that because she was out visiting for a 3 month sabbatical, so of course let's just stay together... . fast forward 6 months and we moved her across country to live the dream.  So what if some of the time we talked long distance she was drunk and passing out on the phone... . that won't happen when we are together, right?

I sold myself for a dream of what I thought would ease my own loneliness rather than do the hard work and self discipline of staying true to my core values. 

It should be no big shocker that one of our separations while in MC, I went to visit my parents and the light bulb went off... . I called my T immediately and said, "OMG - I married my mother".  I read SWOE within the next month... . more light bulbs.  I wanted a family to heal my own childhood wounds... . I have, it just looked a lot different than I pictured that healing to look.

At the end of the day, we all do the best we can with what we know.  Once we know better, we can either dig in and do better - or rinse/repeat.

Thanks for this topic.

Best,

SB

[DeRetour]

SB,

Oh, wow. Thanks for sharing on this thread.

I sold myself for a dream of what I thought would ease my own loneliness rather than do the hard work and self discipline of staying true to my core values.

I can totally relate to this particular dream. I've been wanting a family. The thought of dating really brings me down, to be honest. I was really willing to put up with a lot. It's funny, on a side note, when my uBPD-exGF came to pick up her stuff after we broke up, she told me she wished she were pregnant so that we had to work our issues out. Whatever.

Well, I appreciate that you shared your situation here. I do hope you're well.

DeRetour

[DeRetour]

Hey gang,

My apologies for that confusing post I did earlier. I was trying to dig deep into my childhood to discuss why I stayed with this girl. I want to try this again, this time maybe in a more concise manner.


So, why did I stay with her?

From as far back as I could remember, my parents fought a lot. My mom, on the one hand, was making a name for herself as an artist. My dad, was well-respected in his profession, but at home was not present and violent towards my mom. I learned to be invisible and hyper-compliant. If adults were visiting, my sister, brother and I had to put on this perfectly sweet show and only speak when spoken too, basically. My mom had been raped as a young child, I learned as an adult. This explains a lot of the horror I picked up from her as a child. Their last year of marriage, my mother had an affair and filed for divorce a year later. She seemed preoccupied with rebounds for a while. Then, after that got into a few relationships - one of these men was a controlling, physically/emotionally abusive, pathological liar, coke addict, suspected child molester, and at the end, a wife-beater.

So yes, from childhood, I became invisible, hyper-compliant, with a pressure to speak in perfect enunciation/grammar to show good upbringing, and picked up a general fear of strangers. I was so scared of my parents abandoning me in any kind of way.  Late childhood to adolescence, I picked up on the feeling that I was not as important to my mom as the men in her life. And to my dad, I was the "bad son," initially getting beaten, then eventually physically standing up for myself and fighting him back, antagonized to my brother and sister. He died when I was 20, of stress.

I survived these things, and took lots of time to reflect on myself. From about 20-25, I went through therapy. I had relationships over this period as well. I met a girl who became my wife, when I was 24, married at 25. None of those relationships had quite the crazy dynamic this last one did. So, back to my uBPD-exGF - in some ways she had some things in common with my mom - artistic, and often in and out of my life. Within 15 months with this girl, we had 2 "breaks" of a week or a bit longer, then broke up one other time for 2 weeks. Like my mom, she always seemed on the edge of leaving, emotionally, sometimes physically. I couldn't be assertive with my ex. At the same time, this girl seemed to have my dad's temper, controlling mannerisms, and harsh criticism. It's as though I found both of my parents in this girl! Yikes. I guess I really dodged a bullet here. She's still trying to reach me, after 3 weeks, but I'm sticking to my guns - No Contact.

(For the record, I have a good relationship with my mom, brother, and sister these days. I am so thankful we've been strong and worked through a lot.)

Thanks again for reading. Please post if you have any feedback, thoughts, relevant stuff to share in this thread, etc. Have a good night.

[Scout99]

Hi DeRetour, it took me a while to understand why I got into my relationship. However in brief summary - I needed to be needed and equated the intensity we had for love. I was very misguided. My own relationship skills lacked somewhat and I would say I was very emotionally immature.

I grew up a BPD household and my father was an alcoholic. My mother is a loving person however enabled my fathers behaviour and was not a boundary setter. My father ruled the house and his emotions over rode ours. I became the little parent, fixer, good girl and care taker for all that needed my time. I had no needs because I was not permitted them as a child.

Enter a Borderline - we were a perfect match. Our reasons for entering these relationships stem back well before they came along.

First of all, Thank You DeRetour for starting this thread and for sharing these thoughts and insights with us all. There is a lot of important things that are being said and also heard from doing so! And congratulations to you for having reached this point in your recovery and on your journey of better understanding of yourself!

I, though still being somewhat still in a r/s with a pwBPD, have come to the understanding when it comes to myself that I too have a similar background that so many of us that enter and stay within these relationships seem to share. And a lot of what Clearmind here is sharing resonates very well with me too. I arrived to that conclusion after an earlier r/s with a pw NPD. For me I realize though it is a journey and it has it's different phases and realizing is one point, unlearning and re-learning is another and reaching to the point where I imagine Clearmind is today takes time. And for me, I can say I have not yet arrived to that stage in my travels towards a stronger self... .

Having said that, I think it is important to also see that a lot of the things that we see as huge problems in them is also something that can be found in us, mirror or no mirror. That is, we too just like Clearmind says also share a lacking sense of self and that is where and why we connect so strongly with our BPD partners to begin with. Because we can identify on some levels with what they are going through and where they are, because of that. Then there are other parts that we cannot identify with, and where we differ. And it is usually there the problems begin... .

One could say that if we don't learn how to change us, we really are not the best match for our BPD partners, and neither are they for us.

For me there is a huge difference in how I act within the realm of the r/s I am in right now, compared to the r/s I used to be in with my NPD guy. I do, perhaps for the first time in my life actually on some level listen to and try to be more true to my newfound self, and it has made a difference in how I handle and am affected by his behaviors. That is I no longer stand and fall depending on his mood, his dysregulations and his behaviors. And for me that in itself is a huge improvement on my part. And I can be true to myself and can assess that the value I get from reminding in the r/s, at least so far surpasses the downsides of it.

If that is enough time will tell... . I still continue my work with myself... .

But that is the reason anyway why I still choose to stay.

In my former r/s with my NPD guy it was a whole different story. There like you I stayed for many of the reasons you list in your initial post. And that was a very destructive place for me to be in... . However, today I am thankful for that three year of purgatorial experience, since it was what it took for me to finally realize that there was indeed something wrong not just with him, but also with me... . And without having gotten that prolonged chock experience, I doubt it I would never have arrived to that conclusion to this day... .

Best Wishes to you ReDetour and to all of you brave enough to face these painful truths about ourselves... .

Scout99