Do I owe him his stuff back?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hi I am trying to do no contact but haven't changed my phone number yet so still get texts. I have some random things of my BPDexbf that I have already asked him several times to take when he was still allowed in my apartment. I have a studio so i told him many times I didn't have room for any extra stuff. Also, I knew that I needed out. Now he wants his stuff, seemingly one at a time... a sleeping bag, next time it will be a pair a flip-flops. None of it is worth very much and he has certainly taken things of mine that were broken and never returned. It is stuff I would just rather throw in the garbage. I am not holding onto it to hold on to him. I know this cycle needs to stop. He lives in the next state over so if I allow him to get it I fear he will end up hanging out in my apartment all weekend and there we are again. He has been violent before so I ended up with little ability to really stand up to him at least I am still not at the point yet. Is he not gonna give up until he gets his sleeping bag? I guess I just need confirmation that I don't really need to get him stuff that I tried to give back before. 

[babushka]

Hi I am trying to do no contact but haven't changed my phone number yet so still get texts. I have some random things of my BPDexbf that I have already asked him several times to take when he was still allowed in my apartment. I have a studio so i told him many times I didn't have room for any extra stuff. Also, I knew that I needed out. Now he wants his stuff, seemingly one at a time... a sleeping bag, next time it will be a pair a flip-flops. None of it is worth very much and he has certainly taken things of mine that were broken and never returned. It is stuff I would just rather throw in the garbage. I am not holding onto it to hold on to him. I know this cycle needs to stop. He lives in the next state over so if I allow him to get it I fear he will end up hanging out in my apartment all weekend and there we are again. He has been violent before so I ended up with little ability to really stand up to him at least I am still not at the point yet. Is he not gonna give up until he gets his sleeping bag? I guess I just need confirmation that I don't really need to get him stuff that I tried to give back before. 

[babushka]

Also, I moved apartments mostly so he wouldn't know where I live so if I agree to a public space I fear he will follow me or find me. I will admit I am still not at a place where I can insist on boundaries with him. I tried many times before and always failed.

[paul16]

Collect it all and leave it somewhere that he can safely retrieve it. Try and get proof when he picks it up. Let him know where his stuff is if he wants it and make it clear that it is apart from you. Just to CYA in case of any accusation on his part that you wouldn't give him his "stuff" back. It may not be his "stuff" that he's looking for, however.

[bpdspell]

Been there done that got the T-shirt. If you're serious about the relationship ending gather his belongings and mail them to him. Or put them in a box and leave them on a curb. Or have him have a friend pick up his personal belongings. When we're done we're really done.

My BPDexbf tried to stay connected to me by trying to recover a cell phone charger that he left at my apartment. A cell phone charger. A charger that he all of a sudden needed when I wouldn't return his calls. My BPD physically assaulted me so there was no way I was ever allowing him to come into my apartment again. So when he came to collect I wouldn't let him inside and he raged at me. Three days later I obtained a restraining order.

You have to create a boundary and stick to it. Otherwise they will take an arm if we give them a finger. We both know that getting our "things" back is more about control and contact than about the actual "things"s themselves. During the breakup their drive & motivation most times is about having that final parting shot, placating blame, and doing the final dumping so they can feel that they're in control of how things ended. It's all ego.

We don't owe them anything; especially when they have been physically abusive. Please remember that they do not change and don't want to. They just want to win and be in control.

Spell

[musicfan42]

I think you should just change your phone number and throw all of his stuff in the bin. You need to put your safety first here babushka.

[talithacumi]

Sorry, babushka, but it seems to me that the question itself strongly implies that BOTH of you think it's somehow appropriate for him to just continue to use you to store a bunch of stuff he clearly doesn't have any present need, use, or space for.

You asked him several times, when he still had access to your apartment, to take this stuff. He didn't. His choice. Keep what you want. The stuff you don't either give away, put on the curb, donate to charity, or toss in the garbage.

By hanging onto it the way you have, you're not only letting him use you as some kind of free storage unit, you're also tacitly - but nonetheless very clearly - reinforcing for him and most importantly, for YOURSELF, the underlying belief that it's okay to be thought of/treated this way because you fundamentally just aren't good or valuable enough for anything else.

Boundaries are there to reflect, promote, and preserve our values. What are you doing to recognize and start valuing yourself and your needs, desires, time, energy, efforts, accomplishments, physical space, and emotional balance/safety/security enough so setting/maintaining boundaries comes more naturally and with less anxiety/stress/fear for you?

- TC

[Ittookthislong]

good question. i wish i told mine i left it in the parking lot at the mall for people to go through and take what they want, if you want your hit go get it

course i brought it back to him at the most convenient time for him.

the whole relationship was way too convenient for him

[babushka]

Thank you all. Yes, I agree the problem is still boundaries. I still let him hang around after I felt sick of him 90% of time because I couldn't withhold boundaries. Very mad at myself right now for not cutting of contact permanently after he assaulted me.  I feel like I am finally in a place to get strong about this. I was doing good. Moved and changed my phone number but then I fell off the wagon and gave him my number so I definately need to get a new number... . but I recently realized I've let others trample my boundaries so I need to really work on this, learn about this for the future.