I wanted to share some things about a pwBPD's concept of love based on comments he made at various times. We discussed, on one occasion, how our love felt. I said that mine burned like a bonfire and he said his just flowed(it actually felt from my perspective more like a trickle
). This brings up a concern for me-I am so paranoid about my own behavior because I know some of his BPD stuff rubbed off on me. I also feel love intensely but I am pretty sure it is not like his. Please don't condemn me for being passionate.
The difference is that I loved him unconditionally & he was able to affirm on more than 1 occasion that he did not. He further reiterated the implication that my way of loving was crazy! Anyway, his love has for me has now turned to hate & everything is my fault even though he quite definitively broke up with me. I know that he had to do this in order to justify what he has done to family & friends. The huge glaring flaw in our relationship was lack of intimacy. He had obviously never experienced it & didn't miss it (I was his 1st LTR in 43 years!). I, on the other hand, was well aware of how shallow & superficial things were because of this lack. So, being the naive idiot that I am, I sought to remedy this. I told him that whenever we had sex he would consistently try to distance himself. He did it every single time in a variety of ways. I know this was his engulfment fear coming to the fore.
When I pointed this out to him right before the break-up, he actually tried to change his behavior. He stayed with me & did things with me all day long. I think this freaked him out & scared the daylights out of him! He ended up at the end of the day telling me he wanted me gone in no uncertain terms. Pretty stiff price to pay for wanting the relationship to move to a deeper level but that's what happens in BPD dynamics. Anyway, I am rambling a bit. I have been forced to come to the conclusion that no, he doesn't love me. It is a direct result of his disease & there is nothing I can do about it. All I can do is what's best for me-which is love him & let him go. Too bad it takes awhile to do this. I would like to be done with this part already
