Never satisfied

[Alfalffasgirl]

Quick question to those living with spouse with BPD. Is it common for BPDers to be obsessed with sex and never satisfied no matter how often or how erotic sex is?

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[Cipher13]

Depends. Sometimes yes other times the opposite. I have found with my SO there is often regret or shame or even embarasment afterwards. She has said that she has felt self contions afterwards about my coments. No matter how flattering or affectionate.

[Vindi]

mine seems to like sex alot, more than I do... . and he seems to feel that "sex" is what keeps us together, no matter what, thru the rages and fights... . alot of this is my fault, i keep taking him back.

But for the sex, I think he thinks that sex is the most important thing in a relationship... . the most important... . cuz with sex he feels loved

needed and wanted, he is at his all time high and sometimes I think

sex is the only thing that keeps him going. And yes, if he could have it

everyday, I bet he would. Sometimes living in a fantasy dreamland, cuz this is real life and it doesn't happen "that" much.

[allibaba]

Mine says that he uses sex as a coping mechanism because it is something that he can 'rely' on. 

Like Vindi says he believes at times that it keeps us together even when we are struggling. 

[sadinnc98]

My BPD loves sex (I do too) so it was a big part of our relationship, it was great, we talked about it a lot. He also said it made him feel loved.

[supernurse]

YES!  With my dBPDh, everything is about sex.  And when I say everything, I mean EVERYTHING.  He wants it 24/7 and wants it as wild and intense as possible.  It's his way of feeling loved, desired, attractive, accepted, etc. 

But his behavior regarding sex and sexual things and his complete lack of consideration for anything I want or need has led me to largely resent it, which in turn has, in his words, "made him have to turn to others to get his needs met."  Basically, he has "had" to cheat multiple times.   

[maxsterling]

Mine was once a stripper, a lesbian for awhile, has had issues with sex addiction.

I think she uses sex as a means to build relationships and as a validation mechanism.

With me - I can't really tell if she is satisfied or not.  We can go weeks without it, and then a week where that is all she wants.  

[Aussie0zborn]

Mine mistook sex for love, and I remember commenting on that in the early part of the relationship.

[Alfalffasgirl]

Thank you all for your honest answers to this question. He LOVES sex and is convinced that I don't. He's wrong of course. I actually believe that sex is a very important part of our marriage, a part I would not want to live without. He cheated on me in 2008 and it has been really hard for me to feel emotionally connected in our sex life so it has been a hard road. BUT recently I have  felt much more amorous and wanting a good sex life as well. Through the years we have tried positions BJs and Toys... . which is totally out of my norm, but I try. He accuses me of only going through the motions because he doesn't feel excited in our sex life no matter the frequency or the style of sex. He says if I enjoyed it and was doing it because I want it he would be able to feel excitement. BUT I have never " gone through the motions as he says. I am worried that he is using our sex life as a vice that could ultimately ruin the love I feel for him... . is that a reasonable concern or am I just over reacting?

[supernurse]

Alfalffasgirl - are we married to the same person?  I have heard every single one of those statements a million times.  I have gone out of my comfort zone soo many times, but it just pisses him off that those things are out of my comfort zone to begin with.  He doesn't see it as me trying to do something I know is important to him; he sees it as an insult.  His first affair was in 2007 and the other 3 affairs that I know of have been in the last year and they have all made it extremely hard for me to feel safe, secure, and connected with him, especially intimately.  He thinks that I don't like sex and that I could do without it for the rest of my life.  However, the exact opposite is true for me - I love sex and think it is one of the most important parts of a marriage; it is so important to me that that it's hard for me to be with someone intimately who has treated me the way he has.  The affairs were all my fault, of course, because I didn't exhibit the same lust, desire, and acceptance that the other women gave him.  Of course they give him that - I was like that in the beginning, too.  He just hasn't put them through the hell I've been through for the last 20 years. 

[waverider]

pwBPD dont do moderation very well. All or nothing if you like. Sex is just part of this.

They will set the agenda, not you, and you will be expected to be on the same page or it is a sign of abandonment.

Even the extremes can be repetitive, sometimes even like role playing. For some they even play the porn star, as a result it is often not "natural" or romantic, almost scheduled in.

[FullMetal]

my dBPDw is different than most in this regard,  Before she dated me, she has told me she wanted it all the time, even having an affair with a married man.  now however, sex is a once a month-2 month thing for us.  going through our counselling, the reason behind her rapid shift, is a different feeling towards sex.  with me, it's not just sex, she knows I love her and she loves me.  she attributes sex to "hurting someone"  she was abused as a child and into her first adult relationship.  (the cause of many of her issues)  the therapist we saw didn't like to diagnose as Borderline, she prefered to refer to it as chronic PTSD, which after my own research has similar symptoms and root causes.  and could easily be part and parcel of the same illness, and since everyone's different.  Interestingly DBT is also suggested as a way to help control chronic PTSD.  I've been trying to find my wife a DBT group that she can stick with, while avoiding the Borderline label, she seems ok with chronic PTSD however.

Sex as a weapon is something that I'm all to familar with, and alfalffasgirl, I think he is using it as a weapon.  this is part of the push-pull.  I've found pwBPD tend to be full of self-fulfilling prophecies.  he may be saying that you don't enjoy sex, so that he can push you away, and then turn that around on you later and either blame your lack of enjoying sex as the reason he strays or wants to leave.  ("Get out, don't leave me!"  and blame you for the breakup.  Thus fulfilling his abandonment prophecy.

I can see part of his thought process.  a lot of men have the same thoughts, only most people don't dwell on it, and a little validation (ohh yes, thats the spot will do it).  He has probably dwelled on your sex life for a very long time.  He probably feels inadequate, (a man with inadequacy issues?  what a revelation... . millions of men have inadequacy issues.  Just look at how well Ferarri does )  but his illness is making him focus on it, and deflect the blame as a coping mechanism.  This has the lovely after effect of going through the BPD filter and becomes, "I'm inadequate in the bedroom because my SO doesn't like the sex (remember his feelings = facts to him) therefore it's because she doesn't want it, and she doesn't want it because she doesn't want me... . Is she getting satisfaction elsewhere?  Why is she looking elsewhere (feelings=fact again)?  I must be not enough... I'm inadequate!"  and the loop begins anew.  spinning the fear of inadequacy into anger, frustration, hate... . ("Fear is the path to the dark side.  Fear leads to anger, anger leads to hate, hate... . leads to suffering," wise man that Yoda)  Validate the fear, ignore the anger and the hate... . that's actually what I've found that works for me.  don't try to validate anger.  Look for the fear behind the anger and validate that... .   reaffirm that the fear is unjustified.  Remember BPD is often triggered by fears of abandonment. 

[Falmar1010]

There are many different outcomes when we add sex and BPD together.  My experience with my dBPDw of almost 2 decades is this: the night of is very romantic, intimate and at times exciting and different depending on our moods.  The day after is when i notice the change.  She has been hurt so many times before when she got close to someone that when we get "close" she gets scared and walls go up.  As close as we were the night before, the day after is the exact opposite.  Does anyone else have that experience and how do you deal with it? 

[wooddrop]

I am new here and am learning the dynamics of this disorder after being with my boyfriend of 3 years and wanting to see it thru to the proverbial end. His symptoms appear to fit the mold of a BPD and because I now know better what Im dealing with I can better learn how to protect myself emotionally. If I can learn to keep my energy levels in check (hes a button pusher) and seperate my internal angst because of confusion over "what the heck am I doing in this relationship maybe we have a shot at dealing with what he terms his "internal issue". Yes he admits it, there is a Dr Jekyll but I c alot of Mr. Hyde.

I know this disorder takes on so many facets but what has me a bit stumped is my guy is extremely sexual. His issues do cross over however because I need to constantly reassure him during even intimacy. It was cute years ago but now In trying to enjoy him it can get difficult to relax and  concentrate when hes going "are u sure u like my body", etc over an over and over again. Im crazy bout him but jeez. He surely doesnt show fear of intimacy by withdrawing from sex but he needs to be reassured during it and he really believes I derive great pleasure from his deriving great pleasure. Its not always enuff. If I mention that he is an amazing kisser tho u better believe he will drown u in kisses the nxt time, if I tell him him our time was too short, I will b incapacitated for days the nxt time. It goes beyond the norm. Does this make sense to anybody? I should also mention we are only ok for days maybe a week at most begore hes pushin me away. The closeness absorbs him and his anxiety grows, then his mantras start. He is obsessed with the idea of other men wanting me, usually people he knows or Ive met when we are together, then he states he will never ever trust me. I used to b more confused because I knrw I wasnt doin anything and I would try defend myself. Oh boy... that just makes things worse. He pushes me away where most men want have u close. I never got it until recently.   How do u reassure ppl with this condition without losing yourself or is that impossible?

[waverider]

   How do u reassure ppl with this condition without losing yourself or is that impossible?

You start to learn the difference between appropriate support and validation, as compared to simply feeding a bottomless pit of neediness. Start off by not overly repeating things, no matter how much the want to hear it. You just end creating a reliance on it. In short you start to disable people by enabling their neediness.