Hello all. After lots of book reading and searching and tears I finally found this site. After years of dealing with a sibling that likely has BPD, I now realize that I need help as I try to get through life dealing with this person.
It's hard to know where to begin - the seeds for my sister's behavior have always been there - she has always been "difficult" or "different", but when her blow-ups would occur, she always eventually came back - never to apologize for her behavior - instead she would just call to see "what's up", and pretend that nothing was ever wrong. The big problem is that things have really gotten worse over the last 8 years or so. There are two factors that are aggravating the situation even more - #1 is that she has been unemployed for 4 years and #2 is that we have 2 loving parents who think they are helping by ignoring and enabling the situation and letting her walk all over them while they support her financially with no conditions. I am greatly concerned not only for my sister's well being, but also for my parents, as they are in their 70's and they do not need the stress of dealing with someone who is irrational and disrespectful at times. My mother is not well, and my dad is taking care of her and dealing with my sister's behavior. It is a lot.
What's more is that in an attempt to offer "tough love" (a last resort, as I had tried everything else up until that point such as getting her job interviews that she wouldn't take, my husband tried to hire her twice and it fell through, I've tried loving and compassionate listening, I've tried giving her space, etc. and nothing works) she is unforgiving, has an attitude any time I try to be nice to her. I call, and she acts like she doesn't care, yet if I don't call she is angry with me. She says she is "done with me" but then tells me she is glad I called, she treats me in a rude and dismissive manner in front of my parents, who excuse it and say "she is just upset about something" as if that justifies her upsetting the whole house and making people uncomfortable with her temper tantrums.
My dad is the one who is also frustrated, and says he is going to do something about her behavior or getting her help, but then all of a sudden she floats in and manipulates him with a "good mood", everyone feels happy, and he calls me and says "I think she is doing better." Meanwhile, I am positive that as the holidays approach she will spiral downward (since that has been the pattern for years) and all those promises she has made to them about helping herself will be forgotten in 6 weeks. I want to scream.
The other thing that is unbelievable is her definition of looking for work. She complains that no one is hiring, but she refuses to apply for jobs at places that I know would hire her. She is very bright and skilled but extremely picky. My 21 year old niece is now making a living off a job I originally secured for my sister, however she couldn't be bothered to even call back the person offering her the interview. Meanwhile, she complains loudly that the only places left for her to apply are Hooters and strip clubs. How does she conclude this when she has not even applied at a Barnes and Noble? I asked her that and she said "I'd sooner drop dead than work in a Barnes and Noble". How does someone who allegedly needs so much help not jump at all the opportunities that are offered to them? How can you be choosy about the life vest you are offered when you are drowning?
The other thing she likes to throw in my face is that "my life is perfect" and therefore I am not in a position to help her or give advice. I appreciate my blessings - I am married and have 3 kids and I love my family - they are great, but I wouldn't say life is perfect. She gives me no credit for any success I have had in life, because in her view it was "handed to me on a silver platter and I have never had to work for anything". Funny - I didn't feel that way when I was living off tuna fish and working two jobs and teaching middle school while I worked my way through a masters program. In her mind, her struggles are REAL, and anyone else is just a whiner. Another thing that happens frequently is that she does not see her offenses, yet if another person does the same thing to her she becomes outraged. The most recent example is that one of our friends became a widow quite suddenly and unexpectedly (38 years old). My sister was outraged that 3 months had gone by and the bereaved widow had not sent a thank you note to her for her contribution to the daughter's college fund (my parents money anyway). When my sister brought this up to me I replied that I had not received a thank you note either, but then again I never sent a condolence expecting one. I have 3 children and I can understand how devastating it must be to loose your husband when you have a 3 year old. My sister's response was "well she has all this time to be negative on Facebook, but no time to write thank you notes?". Ask me the last time my sister wrote a thank you note or acted grateful for anything.
Another simple yet effective example is that she is chronically late. Typically, when we are visiting my parents (my parents and sister live in another state than I do) and she says she is coming to spend time with the children (my kids), she will text me that "she is on her way" at 3:30 in the afternoon. She will then show up at 7:00 at night unapologetically. Meanwhile, the next night, when I arrived home 20 minutes after she expected me (I technically wasn't late, because I said I would be home after 7:00) she had an attitude, was outraged that I kept her waiting, and used it as her reason to not visit us again the rest of the week we were in town. What made it an argument was that after being treated badly for the previous 4 days I finally had the nerve to politely point out to her that she was frequently late and we never say anything to her. I find that presenting her with logic always leads to a breakdown in her. That is not what I was intending, rather I was trying to put up some boundries. That never gets us anywhere, since there is a refusal to see her own behavior as wrong. Ever. it is always someone else's fault. Always.
Here is what terrifies me the most - my parents are in their mid 70's. Who knows how much longer they will walk this earth? What will happen when they need more care and I don't have a rational person to help with major decisions? What will happen when my parents pass on and all that is left is her and me? If she is still not working and refuses to speak to me or let me help her, how will I know if she ends up homeless or on the streets? I worry about her all the time. it wakes me up at night. I am powerless to help her because in her mind I am a horrible sister and "the enemy".
In summary, she has an inflated sense of self coupled with low self-esteem, she is unforgiving and remembers every offense to her, she has no problem making people "pay back" all the disappointments she has had in life, and she is the constant victim in every situation - life happens to her, rather than her making life happen (i.e. - the fact that she can't find a job is not her fault, even though she is not looking in all the possible places that she should or taking all the opportunities offered to her). She is prone to violent mood swings and will curse out the people she loves the most. She is also abusive, and passive-aggressive. My parents are so eager for any sign of improvement in her behavior that they refuse to recognize patters in her behavior that get worse every year. At one point I was terrified that she was going to kill herself. I feel like my parents have no backbone when it comes to her, and they are leaving me with an impossible situation to handle - my father is in a position to insist that she get help since he is signing the checks. I am not in that position, and any attempt I make to help becomes and epic disaster.
I have no idea what to do anymore. I am starting to think I am the one who needs therapy. The verbal abuse has been going on for years. I have been trying to be compassionate and see the good person that I really believe is under all this drama and horribleness, which is why I think counseling would help her a great deal. I can see this situation is unhealthy and I know everyone would be happier if she just got some counseling, however I feel like I am on an island and my whole family is happier to live in denial in order to have "peace at any price". I cannot live this lie. It makes me crazy and life impossible. I am at a point where I want to be supportive but there is no relationship between us. She once told me that everything wrong in our relationship is my fault and that she bears no responsibility in making it better. How do you sit down to Thanksgiving dinner with someone like that? Why do my parents accept that reality?
I know this is long, and I am not sure it even covers everything, but thank you so much for reading and "listening". I am hoping to share insights with others in a similar situation as I really think you need to be in a situation with someone like this to really understand. i am not in a position to offer any advice at this point because I truly feel lost. I am almost out of hope. I have called hotlines, counselors, I've prayed, and I am just exhausted. Seeking those who understand and might be able to offer help and advice, or just a shoulder to cry on. Thank you.
