Estranged Sister shows signs of BPD

[ABCD1234]

Hello everyone. I, like so many others, have been puzzled by the cause of my tumultuous relationship with my sister until learning about BPD. All of a sudden, her erratic behavior has an explanation.  We grew up very close, best friends for a time, but the relationship has been unstable for at least 20 years and we have been estranged on and off for the past ten years.  We go through a ritual of being close (but not really) and then her causing some sort of drama that makes me flee, swearing her off like demon liquor but somehow thinking things will get better. The last time I saw her, she walked out in the middle of a family function because of a spat with her DH. We became FB friends, shortly after which she posted on my wall that I was incapable of unconditionally loving my family. I un friended and blocked her. When she realized what happened she sent me an email telling me I was mean, callous and cruel and had been that way my whole life. She told me never,ever to contact her again for any reason. This was a great relief to me and I was more than happy to comply.  Several weeks ago I learned that she has cncer. She will be going through aggressive treatment but its late stage with 20 to 30 percent 5 year survival rate.  Contrary to her claims I do love her but I just don't want to do or say anything to upset her and make her battle even harder. I am paralyzed with fear as my entire family badgers me to show her I love her. I don't know what to do. I prefer to keep a distance even though that is not good enough for her. I feel like no matter what I do it will be wrong and then if she dies I will be held responsible. My biggest fear is for her to say something horrible to me on her death bed and I will be stuck hearing those words over and over in my head for the rest of my life. Has anyone had experience with a BPD loved one with a terminal illness? Any insight is appreciated.

[Octoberfest]

Hi ABCD,

Wow... . that is a hard situation.  I am sorry that you are dealing with all that.  Communicating in a healthy way with people with BPD seems to almost be an art; it simply isn't like communicating with another healthy person.

When a family member has BPD, the illness can negatively everyone in the family system, including children, siblings, and in-laws. Senior members on the [L5]  Coping and Healing from a BPD Parent, Sibling, or Inlaw board are experienced with and can help you with setting boundaries, finding relief from FOG, encouraging self-care, improving your handling of relationships impacted by your BPD relative, and pursuing a path of recovery from traumatic experiences. The validation, information, and support will give you strength on your journey.

I think the following information will be helpful to you as well:

Video-Tools to Reduce Conflict with a person suffering from BPD

Communication tools (SET, PUVAS, DEARMAN)

Radical Acceptance for family members

I hope you can find resources in the links I have provided, as well as other places on this site, which can help you out.  I could not quite tell from your post, are you set on making contact again?

[ABCD1234]

Hi Octoberfest:

I have not decided anything. I spoke to Bpd sis on the phone the night before her surgery and thought it went very well considering I had been excommunicated just three mos ago. I felt I was encouraging and drew strongly on my faith to give her hope.  But a few days later my other sister called just to tell me that BPD sis did not think I was warm enough on the phone and that I need to work on my tone. Needless to say, I was flabbergasted. So, I am really at a loss.  If every communication is going to be scrutinized and dissected, I am at a severe disadvantage. Feelings cannot be manufactured and yet this is what I feel like is being asked of me.  I do love my sister. She is my sister. But the truth is I am wary of her and don't feel warm toward her. I feel terrible she is fighting for her life. I wish I could be more demonstrative but I am afraid all I can do at this point is pray for her. If I can get some tools and some communication techniques that would insulate me, I might expand my level of support, but not in the shape I am in now. I'm just too fragile to be vulnerable to her attacks.

Thanks,

ABCD

[beatup]

Hello ABCD,

  Perhaps you could send cards... . I know my BPDsis loves to send and receive cards. Whatever you do... . it will not be enough for her. There are some spiritual paperback books too. I think CVS carries them... . maybe send one of those.

I hope you will find help with the communication techniques we have here.

wishing you well

[ABCD1234]

Hi Beatup,

Spiritual books and cards are a great idea! Actually it's brilliant! I can communicate with her without having to get panic stricken that I say/write the wrong thing.  i'll just use someone else's words.  Thanks!

abcd