Whew, finally

[Finallyblooming]

Hi all,

I have fought with BPD in one form or another for most of my life. My mother is BPD with several other diagnosis. My middle daughter was diagnosed with PDNOS with puberty onset. My oldest has her own array of issues due to birth trauma while it's not BPD or PD, it has characteristics that are just as damaging and emotionally wringing for those around her.

I have just started in the last year or so, with understanding what it meant to fight back; or should I say, grew the motzie to put what I learned into action. I'm hoping to keep myself strong and keep my power going with support from others who also live day to day with the psychological and emotional battering. Because, I've also learned, that while I have learned the trick to fighting back productively, the actions still sting.

[Phoenix.Rising]

  Finallyblooming,

  I'm sorry you've had such a rough time, but I want you to know this is a good place to share, grow, and receive some help.  I believe my mom has BPD and I am about 7 months out of a relationship with a woman who I believe has BPD.  As you know, these relationship are very difficult to deal with.

This is a very good book: Loving Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder - Shari Manning, Ph.D

This is an excellent workshop on communication tools:  Communication tools (SET, PUVAS, DEARMAN)

What are wanting to learn and/or offer here at Face the Facts?

Phoenix.Rising

[Finallyblooming]

I'm apologize that you were in that position. I am happy to hear that you had the courage to love yourself too and exit the relationship. Even though I know 7 months in, there's a lot of emotional investment. That had to be really hard, how are you doing with it?

[Phoenix.Rising]

Hi Finallyblooming,

Thank you for your concern.  I am doing a lot better than I was in the beginning.  I believe this is the worst break-up I've been through in my life, and I am 44 years old.  I feel like I loved her more than my ex-wife.  But I see that I what I felt drawn to had a lot to do with the strong possibility that my mom has BPD.  To be honest, I still have some pretty rough days, but it's nothing like it was.  I see the picture and the illness much more clearly now.  It's hard to live in the fantasy when I know the reality!

Also, I am much more aware of some of the red flags now in other potential partners.  The main journey for me now is working on myself.  I had a part to play in the relationship.  I'm also learning better ways to communicate with my mom.  How do you feel about talking to your mom now?

I see that you are already posting on the Boards.  That's great!  I hope you are finding some relief and help.

[Finallyblooming]

That's good to hear! I'm glad you're on the mend and seeing things through opened eyes. I bet it's hard for a man with a mother with BPD, since we model potential mates accordingly. I sounds like you're doing everything right.

Ironically, mom JUST called. Which she never does. She'll have my dad ferry messages since I have him on yahoo. Since the paradigm shift, she's actually in this weird stage that I have never seen before with her. I'm a little (a lot) wary. She was very pleasant, HARMONY HUT pleasant. It's unsettling but I'm trying to take this eye of the storm and make the most out of it, even if it doesn't last.

[Sitara]

My mom does the pleasant thing after we have a big blowout.  She does it because "she has to walk on eggshells around me" because I'm so "emotionally sensitive" that people have to "treat me with kid gloves."  We're actually in that phase right now again because of a recent, giant argument where I told her her behavior wasn't acceptable (and not surprising she told me everything was my fault).  But the pleasant period with us always has a level of coldness too.  She often refuses to talk to me at all because "she doesn't know how to deal with me," and "I always overreact."  It lasts for awhile, but before I realize what is happening she sneaks in the old behaviors again.

Stay strong and uphold your boundaries!  That's what I'm trying to do right now and I know it will leave me in a happier, healthier place no matter what happens.

[Finallyblooming]

Yeah, I've heard that one too, high strung is the term I heard a lot and afraid of my moods blah blah blah, proojjjjecccction jection what's your function *singing to the tune of school house rock* Sorry, mucho coffee consumption happening.

You might find you'll get further by not using "i feel" statements: I attempted this at first under the impression that it works with kindergarteners, it should work with a 67 year old fire breathing dragon. I was misguided in this assumption. Poo + fan = poo splatter.

Also pointing out their conduct is pretty much the same end effect.

You might actually need to try several different ways and it might be a combination of tactics that work. Not one tactic all the time will work the same way, so you have to build up an arsenal. This is going to take some time and experimentation. Be prepared for the rages and the insults to come, but view it as an experimental process.

What works with my mom, might not work with your mom. Just like with kids.  I basically talked to her like she was a child, not condescending or anything, just the firm. I didn't point out her behaviors though or bring them to light. She knew what doing, she just figured she had the right to do it and it was just. I immediately stopped the behavior like I would with a kid a firm attention getter "MOM" once I had her attention I continued calmly "I need you to step back and let me handle this, I appreciate what you're trying to do. But, I need you to let me take the front seat". Not yelling, validate to an extent, addressing my needs, and following through. Following through is the hardest because our first instinct is to start apologizing when we see the brewing rage. We want to stop it quick, we know it'll come anyway but still. I ignored her the brewing rage, and turned away from her and continued doing what needed to be done. I noticed, like with kids, (and I'm still exploring this), it's tone I think. Because since that first stand up, the minute I have used my mommy tone, effects were immediate.

[Sitara]

When I used "I feel," she condescendingly commented, "I'm glad you used the words I feel."  With her, if you feel something, it automatically makes it meaningless and invalid.

Honestly, I'm just trying to make it the next few weeks until we move out of state.  She does this thing where she never offers help (she wants people to come crawling to her), and we're no longer asking for anything, so we haven't really had to deal with her much.  I don't intend on calling her (the last serious conversation we had, I said she needed to figure out if she wants a relationship with me + the only thing she could say she wanted from me is to "not talk to me on the phone" so I'll be surprised if I hear anything from her in the first three years we're gone.  But in the meantime, I'm not going to let her walk all over me and my family anymore.

[Finallyblooming]

Hi Sitara,

Good for you, you need to take care of you and your family! You're lucky you're moving, I've been considering putting the house up for sale and going back to the southeast, where it's normal.