Was the physical realtionship about earning our commitment?

[Depression = 72% of members]

Many of us have previously said how good sex was with our ex dBPD and Im no different,It really was the best and frequent.

My question is, as everything with them is me,me,me! is it good because they ensure its good so they feel good about themselves or just another method of keeping us where they want us?

[gallerykey]

Many of us have previously said how good sex was with our ex dBPD and Im no different,It really was the best and frequent.

My question is, as everything with them is me,me,me! is it good because they ensure its good so they feel good about themselves or just another method of keeping us where they want us?

[Perfidy]

I can only speak for myself. The sex was like you said. Lots and dirty. Never really felt that intimate during. Seemed as that was part of the hook. Part of the predatory nature of the disease. It was a control tactic. I felt like I was banging a prostitute sometimes. She only used it to get her hooks into me and when she had used me for all I was worth to her she was done. Things changed near the end. My situation changed with work. We relocated. It was no longer convenient for her. It was time that I needed to meet my own needs instead of hers. That I am sure was the real deal breaker.

[alonebuthappy]

Is it really great or just good?  Reason I ask is with mirroring, projection, and "me me me" wouldn't you agree after taking some steeps back that in fact you are having "great" sex with yourself.  He/she is just there along for the ride?

Most pwBPD have intimacy issues, issues giving themselves (not knowing self), and sharing mutually; so i again question anything invovling a pwBPD as being mutually great in regarding sex/love.  As both take 2 equally committed peeps and we know the act with a BPD is not 50/50.

Just two cents... .

[gallerykey]

This is one im struggling to get my head round. At the time it felt great, maybe thats partly due to how frequent so I read into it if he wants me this much it must be good. I know the intimacy issues but in the very beginning i felt there was connection, over time this did seem to diminish and then at the end sodid the sex.

So what youre saying is it how i was being made to feel it was rather than how it really was?

[alonebuthappy]

I only am speaking from my experience, but yes... . I think the sex is as only as good as how YOU view them.

As the relationship evolves through its cycle, so does the sex, each is to his/her own;but I contend that we Non's are what is great about the sex and it goes as we go throughout the relationship based on our view of the relationship.

Sex/Love will be great always, when you find you (love yourself completely) and with your healthy partner in your healthy relationship.

Always remind oneself, it takes two giving mutually to be great intimant loving relationship.

Again juet my views.

[Bananas]

I had a different experience.  My ex was fantastic at flirting and waving the carrot but when it came to actually doing it he was like a robot.  He would completely withdraw afterward, almost curl into a fetal position.  And he would often have to take a shower right after like it made him feel dirty.

As the relationship progressed so did the excuses, he was depressed, something bad happened at work, he was sick, tired... . there were sometimes months in between.  I tried to be understanding but I was accused of "always pressuring him for sex". 

Recently one of his friends told me that my ex had told him he had slept with over 200 women.  It didn't make sense to me. 

One time we had a conversation where he told me he didn't think he was attractive at all and was confused as to why I desired him.  I would reassure him, with words and actions as I honestly was very attracted to him.  But nothing I did convinced him.  The closer we got the more he pushed me away. 

[marbleloser]

 I think it can be both,depending on the person. What better way to feel desired that have someone want you sexually? Also,sex can be used as a manipulation tactic. Some do it knowingly,some may not.

Bananas,my stbxw was the same way.Sex was dirty to her.Something to be done in the bedroom,lights off,no talking.Afterwards,get up and clean up as fast as possible.

I'll say that intimate sex,with someone who really cares for you,is completely different.If you care for someone,you don't want to get away as fast as you can.You want to enjoy their presence after such an intimate act.There's a different connection when someone looks at you while having sex,because they want to.

Then,there's plain,curl your toes,wherever you can find a spot,downright sex,and there's nothing wrong with that on occasion either. 

[dangoldfool]

I also found my ex GF always wanted the lights off. Usually only one or two positions that she would allow for. Not that I'm a major player. But the sex was really forgettable. Maybe I'm just spoiled from some really good sex from a previous relationship. When she left she told her friends I didn't want sex any more. Yeah right bit--. If it were up to me, I would do it at least 3 times a week. 

[Mutt]

The sex in the beginning was great. I felt a strong connection with her, a bond, maybe it was one way?

The last couple of years (together for 8, she had an affair and left with the kids) it was non-existent and she kept blaming me, but in reality she was detaching. She said she was masturbating a lot. She's the one that was in control. Every time I asked her there was an ache or she was upset with me, but she blamed me that we didn't have sex. Very confusing. That came out during her smear campaign on how she was deprived and she started telling people that I was attracted to the opposite sex.

She's gone now with her boyfriend, so I'm sure him and her are having lots of it during the honeymoon phase, but once the phase ends, at least for her, it's a very sharp decline in that dept. He'll continuously hear how she has migraines or something else.

[DeRetour]

Hm. I'm reading some similar themes here. I'll share mine as well.

Outside the bedroom, she was often clumsy in her body - tripping over things out of hastiness. She often needed my help with basic things like tying her shoes or cuffing her pants (something that seemed a product of her parents' neglect and her impatience). And while I found her to be very attractive, she struggled with body image issues. She had a bottomless pit of need for reassurance. But, she seemed to exude a subtle sexuality to her.

In the bedroom, she was very responsive, adventurous and sometimes rough. In the beginning, it felt like a strong bond formed between us. Throughout our relationship, she wanted frequently, often waking me up first thing in the morning. This contrast - quirky, awkward, naive Vs. responsive, skilled -seemed sketchy to me, especially as our relationship progressed. I had to suppress a lot of these doubts and concerns when we were together.

Now, I can look back and say yes, she seemed to dissociate a lot during sex. Also, I detected anger sometimes. And then there were those regressions in intimacy - part of the push/pull dynamic. She'd seduce me with, "Let's make love." and a few weeks later, might refer to our sex as "play" - a very detached word in my opinion - more appropriate for casual sex partners. I hate remembering this, but sometimes sex with her felt more pornographic than it did intimate.

So, would I say it was very good? At the time it seemed really good. There was plenty of physical intensity and emotional charge. But looking back, I'm thinking it was mostly unhealthy.

[Mutt]

Reading through all of this. Come to think of it. The best sex I had with her were she was really into it is on our wedding day. Probably because all of the attention was focused on her that day.

[twester65]

What sex? My ex was an exhibitionist. Once I'd seen every part of his anatomy he was longer interested. He kept making excuses - blood pressure medicine causing impotence being the primary one used. I felt that I tried to show maximum patience for the better part of a year, but once it was clear he was getting his jollies in his own way outside of our relationship; I began to lose patience. And I began to talk about leaving the relationship. He ended it for me a few months later.

He had my commitment with or without sex. I only expected that if I was going without satisfaction, it was only fair that he do the same. That wasn't the case and what physical intimacy we had was disconnected and very nearly anonymous. I began to feel like a sex doll - it was more trouble than it was worth.

[Mutt]

He had my commitment with or without sex.

I share the same sentiments. I was committed either way.

No sex on her part was a major excuse told to family and friends when she left for sympathy.

[frustrated b/f]

 . . . but she told me I was the only man that has ever made her orgasm! 

[dancinginthelight]

There was hardly any sex in my last r/s.  Not with me anyway. He was sleeping

with other women. All he wanted to do was cuddle and he was passive aggressive

claiming his libido was out of synche?  

[Clearmind]

Sex = Validation / Fantasy / Gauge worthiness / Used to self regulation emotions

Intimacy = Did not exist /  it was a shallow attachment

Jump into bed quickly with a Borderline - it shows lack of boundaries on our part - perfect partner for a Borderline. Hooked on both accounts. If we held off, past date 5 - its unlikely the relationship would have lasted. We would have shown strength of our own moral code.

Sex and intimacy are two very different things. Borderline feelings are shallow, our idea of what sex meant was misguided. Many of us also viewed the intensity/frequency of sex as validating - "He/She must love me!"

It was validation for both ---> mutual attachment based on need not intimacy!

[Mutt]

Jump into bed quickly with a Borderline - it shows lack of boundaries on our part - perfect partner for a Borderline. Hooked on both accounts. If we held off, past date 5 - its unlikely the relationship would have lasted. We would have shown strength of our own moral code.

When I first met my uBPDw she was from out of town and it was a small town. She was studying in the city I live in. I was talking to her online for a couple of weeks? One night after I got off work she asked for me to come and see her at her house. It was the first time we met. I thought it was strange that she would let a stranger come to her house that she met online. That same night I slept with her and she assured me she was on the pill. She got pregnant from that night and I decided to stay with her for the sake of being with my daughter. She did the same thing with my replacement, she bed him just as quick.

[dangoldfool]

That is the one and only thing my ex GF didn't lie about. She said she could not have any more kids due to having her junk fixed. Thank God. Or maybe I just got lucky.

[fromheeltoheal]

Mine used to say "I can get anything I want with a blow job."  Says it all right there; she had sex to take, not to give, which is OK if that's what both people want, but there was no intimacy.  I figured we'd get closer with time, instead we got farther apart, the sex got less and less fulfilling, and she lost enthusiasm as she found out it wasn't working to control me as planned.  We deserve better, folks.

[Scout99]

Hm... . In my r/s with my ex BPD bf, the sexlife was some of the best I have ever had... . Ton's of variation, lots of intimacy, playfulness, fun and also connection, attentiveness to my wishes like nothing I have ever experienced before... .

(And since I am a gal from Scandinavia... . Sex is an important part of the menu for me... . ) )

If you would ask me, those were the only times he really ever could allow himself to feel love and feel loved... . So he devoured those moments with all he had... . Ad I of course grew quickly to be addicted to them... . That part of our r/s will be the parts I will miss the most... .

I do not agree that it could be described as a shallow attachment... . Rather the opposite... . Too deep... .

About breaking boundaries, when having sex early on in a relationship... . That too, does not resonate to my r/s. first of all it took about two months before we met in real life from getting to know each other over a dating channel. Then another month before we ever had sex... .

Now to me, where I'm from, that is a loong time before getting intimate... .  

Culturally having sex early on in a r/s is not a moral issue, where I live, like I understand it can be in other countries. So in our case this would be considered really late... .

On the topic of earning our commitment I can't really tell... . If I were to compare it to my former r/s with a man with NPD I would say he used sex in that fashion, both to establish the r/s as fast as possible and also establish himself as an important man to me... . But he was way more calculating in everything he did compared to my BPD bf... .

Best Wishes

Scout99

[twester65]

Sex = Validation / Fantasy / Gauge worthiness / Used to self regulation emotions

Intimacy = Did not exist /  it was a shallow attachment

Jump into bed quickly with a Borderline - it shows lack of boundaries on our part - perfect partner for a Borderline. Hooked on both accounts. If we held off, past date 5 - its unlikely the relationship would have lasted. We would have shown strength of our own moral code.

Sex and intimacy are two very different things. Borderline feelings are shallow, our idea of what sex meant was misguided. Many of us also viewed the intensity/frequency of sex as validating - "He/She must love me!"

It was validation for both ---> mutual attachment based on need not intimacy!

Speak for yourself. I'm sorry, I don't mean to diminish your experience. I'm sure it's quite valid.

My relationship didn't end because of sex. My relationship ended, largely, because he was no longer interested in relating.  I had long accepted that sex was not top priority. He decided that my commitment to him should remain as strong in spite of his whacking off in front of strangers while denying me an intimate connection.

[Clearmind]

You are right twester65 - I have no idea about your experience. Take from posts what is valid for you and move past the ones that you don't equate with