travelling and family visit

[Go Fish]

Hello,

It's been a while. You all really helped me get through some difficult times with my uBPDh. I struggle still, but we have had more good times since I learned to reduce the conflict. It's building again because we're returning for a family visit (we live abroad). We planned to spend time with both families, and then to vacation near my parents, and they'll join us for a few days. He's purposely planning things that will be too difficult for them and saying he doesn't want them around. We have two kids, and he often paints them black and white, though that is improving somewhat, but I feel I have to stay with him to keep control of the situation, which then leaves my parents out. He's got stronger NPD than BPD tendencies depending on the day, and visits home with him are really difficult, especially before and after. He tries to say bad things about my parents to our kids, and actually they're so nice that he can only make comments about their age, which is tough to hear. I have given a lot of time to his family visits. It's just so frustrating, his inability to compromise at all and all that he asks of me, demands all the time. I am living in a different country for his job. Glad to have a place to complain. Any thoughts? My approach to conflict has been to stay cool and leave when it gets to heated, but this is something that needs to be resolved and I can see it blowing up and getting embarrassing on our visit. He has really tried to have some nice plans together here beforehand, I know he's trying... .

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[Scarlet Phoenix]

My approach to conflict has been to stay cool and leave when it gets to heated, but this is something that needs to be resolved and I can see it blowing up and getting embarrassing on our visit. He has really tried to have some nice plans together here beforehand, I know he's trying... .

Hi Go Fish 

To stay cool and leave when it gets too heated is a really good strategy. It calms a lot of tension. Vacations and family time seems to be triggering for many pwBPD. I suggest that you go heavy on validation - what could you validate, what do you think are his emotions behind what he's saying? Validation can also just be about listening and showing it by appropriate ah-ing and hmmm-ing.

Here are links to validation:

WORKSHOP: Validation, tools and thechniques

Alan Fruzetti video: encouraging peace in a BPD family

And maybe actively going in with a SET where you come to an agreement about seeing your family. How do you feel about using SET?

[Go Fish]

Thanks, I tried the usual strategy of leaving the room, and that seemed to work. We also made other plans together before we go, so that helped too. To practice SET, I can see that spending more time with my family is challenging. It would be for me if the situation were reversed. (I know this isn't very sympathetic, but I reminded him of us sharing vacation time with his family before. That seemed to help, or at least he didn't respond, and hasn't brought it up since.) I appreciate the plans he made, and I have good memories of being there before. It's a special place for us. We don't have to spend all of our time together. My DD stepped in with concrete suggestions of how we can split our time up with different activities, and that helped.

This seems so basic, but when emotions are high, it's not, and I really want to avoid a tantrum with my family. Any suggestions on what to do if that happens? I can tell they are stressed out about the upcoming visit too. He can be very demanding, if we don't go along with what he wants to do. Sometimes I get tired and just go along with it, but that can lead to more problems because I'm limited in being able to take care of everyone if I'm exhausted. He tends to want to do things that are extreme/too long or far for children or older adults (myself included, unfortunately I am not in great shape right now), but he refuses to do these things alone. Thanks again for your thoughts. Just writing helps.

[Scarlet Phoenix]

Hi again Go Fish

You're doing good!

I know it's hard when emotions are high and family's involved and wanting to please them all and getting exhausted. It's something I've working on myself and getting better at. Keep validating when he wants to do something you others don't want to do. Maybe think through something now in advance that you could say, since you know how he is and what he's likely to say? That way you don't have to think on you feet in the heat of the moment.

Do you feel comfortable sharing a little of this with your family? Just saying for example that he's having a hard time when he feels set aside and they could help by saying/doing (... . ) in those situations.

[Go Fish]

Thanks SP. It is hard to explain to my family. The history is kind of touchy since I've been open with them about his domineering behavior, which is obvious anyway. We all had to learn to stand up to him, and maybe that's what worries him. Since this situation is new, that we spend this much time all together, I guess I'll have to take the lead and explain his needs to some degree and that he would like some time with the kids or we do on our own. My parents are pretty independent. I know some kind of rude behavior will happen, so will have to think through that. I think he really doesn't want them there and doesn't feel guilty about making them feel uncomfortable. I might call him on it if he is rude. I guess a day at a time... . thanks for listening.

[Scarlet Phoenix]

 

[Go Fish]

So we survived. The problems with being pulled in opposite directions with my h and parents happened as I thought, but we had a few good meetings on my parents terms, without him, and the rest we spent with the kids on our own. I tried to arrange other meetings including everyone but it didn't work out for different reasons. Both my h and my parents are set in their ways and my h can be difficult and antisocial as we know. So I felt sad that we couldn't all just get along and I couldn't just meet with my parents except once but still our family did some nice things for our vacation. This is an ongoing issue which will probably only be resolved if I travel alone to my parents or go around on my own with them when they visit. He doesn't approve of this, abandonment issues I guess, but I am very sad and resentful about the isolation from my family. Thanks for your support.

[Scarlet Phoenix]

Thanks for the update!

I've felt the resentful towards my dBPDbf, a clear signal that I let things go too far. Because I was scared or exhausted or trapped by FOG (fear, obligation, guilt).

This is a warning signal. So you need strong boundaries around the fact that you wish to spend (more) time with your family. And not feel guilty about it. Continue to feel like you have no choice because of fear, obligation and guilt will build more resentment.

[briefcase]

I certainly understand how triggering the family friction can be.  You have my sympathy.  The problem from your staNPDoint is that your husband and your parents actions are out of your control.  Beware of the Karpman Triangle where he casts himself in the role of victim, your parents in the role of persecutor, and then looks for you to be the rescuer.  And these roles shift around too, depending on who wants to play the role of victim (might be your parents or even you!).

Just try not to get sucked into it!

[Go Fish]

Thank you. I have to admit, I don't know what to do about feeling resentful, since it seems to come with the territory. I am trying to figure out where I have control to change things. I actually did change his mind about a plan he was making which would cost us thousands of dollars, by doing my homework and presenting it. He works with facts, not to save my feelings, so hurt feelings are never valued.

Any thoughts on how you deal with resentment?

I will think through the influence of FOG too. This is very real. And the Karpman triangle is also worth looking into. I think that's at the core of the problem and really hard to get out of since we're not dealing with mature negotiation skills on any side, either because of lack of practice or some kind of hard-wired resistance. But once I know the dynamic I can try to change it. Advice on not getting trapped in this?

[Scarlet Phoenix]

Getting to a place where you don't feel resentment is a process that takes time.

For me, it helped to learn about the disorder and the behaviours that go with it. That way I could see that it wasn't really about me at all, it wasn't personal. At the same time, I worked very actively, in therapy and through this site, to find my way back to who I really am, doing activities that make me happy and focusing more on myself - why am I reacting to this, why do I need x,y an z from him etc. I began to heal from my own core wounds. And slowly it came together in a way where I just don't feel resentful about it. I get angry sometimes in the heat of the moment, yes, but I don't hang on to it or look back aching about the way he treated me. I feel fine about it. It is what it is. It's not ideal. It's a disorder at play. I accept that. I have made peace with it.