Forgiveness -- Getting rid of Anger

[Just Stumbling Along]

Don't know if this is the right board.

Have been separated from uBPD stbX W for almost 2 years.  Divorce in the works, but not final.

I did not know she had BPD while we were married, almost 20 years.  Discovered after the separation.  She was extremely deceptive during the marriage, and while dating.  I found out and figured out many things after we separated.  Almost constant cheating during marriage and dating.  Constant lying about everything.  Great anguish and unbelievable (to those that haven't dealt with a pwBPD)  emotional pain for the last year.  Think that I am past most of the pain and other emotional issues.

But where I am stuck for months now is the anger and resentment.

Somewhat hard to explain, but I completely resent the way she lives her life.  She always seems to land on her feet.  I see now that for all of the time that we were together, I was the caretaker and fixer.  Problem comes up; I need to deal with that, she could care less.  I know now that she was constantly having sex with other people.  Apparently that was her "fix all".  She is recharged in some way, so life is just something that I needed to deal with.  I became no longer useful, so she put me out like last night's fish.  She "secretly" bounced from person to person and finally landed someone who apparently has money (that won't last).  Now she has a great place to live, gets about anything she wants, no problems, no concerns, no pain or difficulties, no guilt.

Meanwhile, in the wreckage that was our life together, we (I) have no credit, difficulty finding a place to live, a 20 year old broken down vehicle that I won't be able to replace, trying to figure out who all we owe money to and how that debt will ever be paid, on and on.  She never felt any responsibility to pay bills and doesn't now.

Looking at what I know or have figured out about her life before, our time together, and since then; she seems to have just cruised through life, damaging or destroying one person after another; and sails on.  Life is good, kumbayah!

I am so angry that she basically robbed me of my life.  Deceiving me, promising what she had no intention or ability to deliver.  Continuing to deceive me year after year.  While we were dating we talked a lot and I was very clear and repetitive of what I wanted and expected.  She went to great lengths to assure me that she was trustworthy, would never cheat, would never lie.  I now know that she was having sex with 2 other guys at that time and lying about it.  She doesn't have to know that she has BPD to know that she has always needed to have many lovers, she knows that she has always cheated in any relationship, she knows that this is what she has to do.  But rather than just break up (at any point early on) she continues to deceive and lie for years.

So, the question after all of this rant is how do you get past this.  How do you get rid of the anger, the resentment, at times hating her, sometimes anger at myself for being so foolish for so long.  How to forgive and let go?  I have a T, but don't feel we are working toward anything.  T has helped me get through the last 2 years, but I just feel stuck.  Seems like all day, everything that comes up makes me angry again about the past with her and how that lead to this.  Has gone on for months and I am tired of being angry all of the time.  Also makes me feel that I am still wasting time on her, being angry.  Just want to get past this and go on.

Any thoughts?

Sorry for the long post.  Thanks.

[heartandwhole]

Hi Just Stumbling,

I'm sorry to hear about the anger and resentment, that's hard to deal with day in and day out... . and I can relate to your story.  I tend to attract men, including pwBPD, who are somehow always taken care of by women (like my father) and even when there is no job or no money, there is always a woman to take up the slack.  I used to resent that to no end, because in my own life, I had to take care of everything myself, with no help (at least in my mind), and deep down, I wanted someone to take care of me.

As you know, anger is a very normal stage of grieving.  I've read that we can get stuck there, though, especially when anger transforms into resentment.  I would guess that getting stuck in anger is an unconscious strategy to avoid feeling the hurt and fear underneath, but you said that you feel you've got through the pain.

So, do you think it may be about anger at yourself, that might be going toward your ex instead?  

No help from your T on this particular issue?

[talithacumi]

I can soo relate to everything you're saying!

I'm now three years out from the sudden/brutal end of a 12+ year relationship with an upwBPD - started seeing a therapist one month later because I simply couldn't handle what I was going/being put through - been six months total NC - have worked through a huge number of core issues that attracted/made me attractive/allowed me to have a relationship of that length with someone who treated me the way he did - am starting to feel pretty good about myself/my life again - and STILL I find myself carrying around a huge amount of resentment/anger toward him for many of the same reasons you do.

I believe I have a lot of really legitimate reasons to resent him. He left me in dire financial straits (emptied all of our bank accounts, co-opted all of our business contracts/clients for himself by telling everyone I'd actually left him/moved out of state, moved all of our equipment/supplies to his new place, didn't pay anything but rent for the previous three months, took his name off the lease and told my landlord I didn't have the money/work needed to make rent the following month, cancelled my auto insurance, left me $25K in debt to my family/friends, etc., etc.). He lied to, and about me in order to cheat on me with impugnity. He continued to lie to and about me to friends/family/business clients in order to get the approval/support he needed doing what he did. He enabled, allowed, encouraged, helped, facilitated, actively participated in, and rewarded my replacement for harassing, stalking, and threatening me, several of our grown children, some of my family, and even a few of my friends. He made promises about paying me back and staying in contact with our children that he never even tried to/apparently didn't ever really feel the need to keep.

None of those things are fair. All of them served HIS needs for financial/physical/emotional security at the direct expense of MINE. None of them were NECESSARY. And I resent the H*LL out of him for taking advantage of my trust/absence/ignorance in order to, not only do them, but get away with doing them as well.

But I also believe that a lot of the resentment/anger I still feel has less to do with him and what he did, than it does with me and what I did.

Looking back, I can see that I'd so desperately needed to believe everything he said (about how much he loved, liked, admired, respected, trusted, and wanted to be and couldn't imagine ever wanting to be with anyone else his entire life) that I ignored, denied, dismissed, made/accepted the paper-thin excuses offered, and took all the blame directly/indirectly palmed off on me for the many things he said/did over the years that in any way threatened my ability to continue to believe he actually felt that way about me.

The shame, guilt, and self-loathing I feel about having done this to myself for as long as I did, and to the extent/extreme that I did over the years, is enormous.

That's the thing though. The fact I can't make go away. I did it. To myself. He certainly needed, wanted, allowed, encouraged, insisted, and demanded that I do it in order to make him happy. But, in the end, it was me that made the decision - however unconsciously and compulsively - to do it.

And, let's face it, that's a pretty bitter pill that I simply have a very hard time even wanting to swallow without at least choking on it first a little bit.

So I think a lot of my resentment/anger is me choking on that. Me blaming him for it because, really, it's too much for me to actually swallow all at once, and, heck, why NOT foist some of that blame onto him for a while? It's not like we're talking or have any kind of relationship of value/integrity that I'd be dishonoring by doing so. It's just me using him to make that pill go down a little easier. In little bits. With a lot of humility, forgiveness, compassion, and understanding for myself as I go.

I do believe I will get there. Eventually. And will even be a better person - better to/for myself - as a result of having finally having made myself swallow every last bit of the damned thing, too. But slowly. In my own time, and in my own way.

Don't be so hard on yourself, stumbling. You've been through a lot. You've lost a lot. You have a lot to be resentful/angry about. It takes time, strength, courage, patience, and persistence to figure it all out. As much as you (I) (we) may really WANT to do it all at once - get it over - feel better - be better - move on - well, we just can't.

Which, LOL, probably just adds more fuel to that fire of resentment/anger we've got going on inside already, doesn't it?

All I'm trying to say is that I think it's okay to feel that way. About some things. For a while. Til you don't need to feel that way anymore. For now, you - like me - do for some reason. You'll figure it out. So will I. That pill and all the others will go down. We will be better to and for ourselves.

How do I know?

Because it bothers you to still feel so resentful/angry - just like it bothers me.

And that says something really good/really positive about both of us, I think, simply THAT it bothers us to feel that way especially given what we've both been through with our exes.

If nothing else, at least appreciate what your concern/frustration over this issue says about the kind of person you are inside ... . and I, today, will try to do the same.

--- TC

[34broken]

Been awhile since I posted... . thinking of th ex and i ran into your post JS.

I am in the very same place.A cesspool of angry dark sticky matter  ... . time marches on and yet I still simmer over this. I almost fired my T becuase i blamed here for not helping me get over it. i have to get over it.  Everyday her spirit lurks over me ... casting its shadow.

I am a few shades different person after all of this turmoil... I am not so sure its for the better either.

I wish that the anger subsides for you ... .

[Just Stumbling Along]

Thanks to all for the responses.

talithacumi,

(Love your screen name BTW)

I so agree with what you are saying.  I have spent a long time being angry at myself for having put up with it.  Even if I didn't KNOW about the cheating and believed what she said.  I have been so angry that I knocked down every  and forced myself to believe.  I thought that that I was getting better,  less angry with myself than I had been for a long time.  Now I find that I am angry with her, and soon enough I am also angry with myself again.

I had not thought that this may be a way of slowly accepting my self-anger until I can get it all down.  That may be true. 

And you are right, I just want to get it over.  Be finished with this, and with her.  Never think of her again or if I do, just "Oh well" and go on.

Thanks for your input.

Don't want to say that T is no help; she listens and I vent.  Sometimes I expect/want her to say OK, start trying to do A, B, & C to work toward this goal.  That doesn't seem to be happening.  Maybe I don't know what to expect or maybe time and venting is the answer.  IDK

Thanks again.