Child of a BP mother

[freyja]

Hi,

I'm the adult child of a mother with BP. I have gone through several realizations surrounding my mother's disease. As a child, I thought it was somehow something that was my fault or my behavior, then in therapy about 6 years ago my therapist helped me pinpoint that my mother most likely has a personality disorder but it has taken me awhile to figure out which exact one. I'm fairly certain she also has some OCD and anxiety/depression issues.

We recently had a family reunion and I was talking to my older sister about my mother. She hadn't realized that my mother's issue had a name. I found this website looking for information for her, but also realized that while I have come a long way with therapy, it doesn't take much to bring back anxiety and depression when I have to be around my mother for a long period of time.  (Long being more than 3 days).

I am reading the Family guide to BPD and am learning a lot. I have some goals I want to work towards.

1 - I live in a different state from my mother, which is wonderful, but would like to be able to go on a trip to see her without it causing me to be in a funk for a week or so afterwards.

2 - I am a healthcare worker and sometimes when I have a patient I'm working with who has BPD, it can bring up a lot of issues and put me in a funk. I need to be able to maintain clear and professional boundaries and not have it "come home" with me.

3 - I have several siblings. Some of whom I have talked to about my mother, some of whom I haven't for awhile. Trying to figure out if talking to them would be a good thing and healing or not.

4 - Wanting to explore my relationship with my father vs my mother. He defends her a lot even though he really gets the brunt of her anger and "crazy making". I think he is depressed. How do you talk to someone who is enabling? Does it do more harm than good?

Thanks for reading my long intro if you got this far. I'm glad to have found this group.

[DreamFlyer99]

hi freyja and 

You are speaking my language! My mother was quite the handful herself, but she had me so convinced my problems were all because of my alcoholic father that I didn't start understanding what was going on with her until after she died and I went to therapy! When I got out of the house to go to college I started seeing where a lot of issues originated with her, but I also, like your sister, didn't realize it was something with an actual name and diagnosis.

It was when I was reading Randi Kreger's previous book, "Stop Walking On  Eggshells" that I started seeing my mother all over the pages, and I was actually reading it to understand more about my husband. i'm currently reading "the Essential Family Guide" too! My T (therapist) thinks my mom had some NPD traits too.

And wow are you organized about your goals, i'm impressed! I know what you mean about wanting to be able to visit her without spiraling afterward, totally. We were in different states too, and that was honestly really helpful for me. And I understand too how seeing BPD traits triggers you, I used to know certain things would make me anxious but I wasn't sure why back then.

I'm so glad you found this group! It's been a great learning experience just in the past couple of months I've been here, and I've actually learned some tools for communicating with my H that have already helped, so there's hope to be found here.

How long have you been in therapy? Was it the family reunion that gave you the push to work more on your relationship with your mom?

looking forward to hearing more about you.

dreamflyer99

[KateJuly2013]

Hello Freyja,

I too have a BPD mother.  I am just realizing it and I really relate to a number of things you say here.  Most salient for me at the moment is the spiraling after visits.  What are you thinking about doing to work on that?  At the moment, my mother is asking about visiting me for Thanksgiving.    I am not too jazzed about this idea.  I saw her for a week over the summer.  We were in different houses and I didn't see her much, but it was enough to still be hanging on for me (this was in July!).  My therapist is talking to me about recognizing when I am acting like my kid self when I am with my mom and trying to remain in my adult self instead.  Therapy was yesterday, so I haven't practiced it yet.  Anyway, I'm interested to hear what you are thinking about doing... .   Good luck!

[DreamFlyer99]

hi Kate!

You mentioned one of my biggest areas of learning over the past year or so, recognizing the difference between my kid self and my adult self reacting in a situation. It's just a practice thing, like everything else, but I am coming along with it! It's been key for me since my uBPDh knows how to push those buttons (and keep pushing them) until i'd break and be my freaked out little girl self... . That's such a valuable skill to learn! The awareness alone meant a lot for me.

[freyja]

dream flyer,

thanks for the welcome. I have been in therapy about 8 months. I had some PPD which was NOT helped by my uBPDm coming to help me after my daughter's birth. In fact, I thought things were okay and I had good boundaries from previous therapy a few years back, but now I think it is way worse.

She behaved very badly and then my father defended her (enabler) and attacked me. All why I was recently post-partum from a difficult birth ending is an emergency C-section. And my dad had the nerve to tell me I was being selfish and making my mom feel bad when she pulled a "poor me" pity party.  It would have been better to have no help than have her help.

So, yeah, it brought it ALL the forefront again. Then this past visit, my husband was so traumatized when we went the family reunion that he is basically going to be NC and I'm going to be limited contact. My mom does this thing where she is fun to be around and then she is CRAZY.

My siblings and I actually have two names for her. Her "fun" self and her "BPD" self. It's a little Jekyll and hyde.

[freyja]

Hello Freyja,

  My therapist is talking to me about recognizing when I am acting like my kid self when I am with my mom and trying to remain in my adult self instead.

Kate,

Thanks for the welcome. I like this concept of kid self versus adult self. I hadn't heard this before but will bring it up with my therapist. I do notice that I revert to kid self more when around my siblings since I am the youngest. And... . even though I have a career and house and a kid and have been married 10+ years they still treat me like the "baby".  Right now my working on my relationship is all about creating boundaries and sticking to it. I've accepted that I won't have a "close" relationship with my mom and that there will be parts of my life she won't be privy  to. But I'm working on not feeling guilty for doing something to protect me or my husband or daughter even if it makes her angry or hurts her feelings. So, it's more that I'm working on my own reactions to creating boundaries, not so much working with her... . does that make sense?

[DreamFlyer99]

She behaved very badly and then my father defended her (enabler) and attacked me. All why I was recently post-partum from a difficult birth ending is an emergency C-section. And my dad had the nerve to tell me I was being selfish and making my mom feel bad when she pulled a "poor me" pity party.  It would have been better to have no help than have her help.

I feel like every new part of my life my boundaries are tested again! And i'm so sorry about the PPD, that just makes everything more difficult and trying, and that sort of difficult delivery is tough, I have a daughter who's been through that. Such a shock to your whole system.

Having your dad enable her bad behavior probably feels like a double whammy, eh? When the pwBPD feels something (no matter the reality) that feeling equals reality for them. And I used to be a bit like your dad, cuz that enabling thing is basically what I ended up doing for years to keep the peace (or so I thought) with my H. If I could just keep him from reacting or blowing up by soothing him... . that's what my survivor self thought anyway. But, that really isn't much of a life! So now i'm working on communication tools that work better with a person with BPD. Understanding that they typically come from a place of not having a strong sense of who they are and are highly sensitive to anything they can interpret as a negative comment about them, this info on using validation (not the same as agreeing!) has been useful: Communication using validation. What it is; how to do it

And we have a main board for members who are dealing with the aftermath of having a parent or other relative (or even a friend) with BPD, since as you've seen that person has an effect on everyone in the family and even on how the family works as a whole. And the senior members on that board, [L5]  Coping and Healing from a BPD Parent, Sibling, or Inlaw Board, can help you work through the sorts of questions and goals you've mentioned. Plus each board has a right hand sidebar that has links pertinent to the issues of that particular board. You might want to have a look there (and of course wherever else you'd like!) to see what you think. That way you can get help from people with a lot of experience with similar situations to yours.

I felt really guilty that I was kinda relieved when my undiagnosed BPD mother died, knowing I didn't have to deal with the dance anymore, since I never learned to avoid the dance. But for you, having your mother still in your life, you'll be able to understand and learn more functional ways of communication and better boundaries, and maybe save some of the dancing energy for yourself!

Enjoy the learning journey, you sound like someone who welcomes new skills and knowledge. 

df99

[Breathing new air]

Freyja,

I am new on the board also. It is always interesting for me since finding others who grew up in this type of household how similar our stories and reactions are.

I have to say I struggle with my feelings towards my dad. Even more so since he is gone. He had his problems which masked so much of what happened with my mother was overshadowed and got blamed on him. He really was the scapegoat in many ways. Poor mom, she is just dealing with all dad sent her way.  It was not her choice. But my feelings towards my dad are mixed and even more so that he is gone. So much of her behavior became apparent without him to act as buffer and defend her. And also she could no longer blame him. I applaud you for trying to separate the two relationships because honestly they are separate.

I have to also had to deal with my past because of triggers working with other BP have set off in me. That is actually what sent me into T this last time and ultimately to figure out this with my mother. There were so many other things that this always got missed.  I am finding that the more I work with understanding myself and recognizing things the less I am sent into the funk.  You are on the right path.

Glad you are here.

[spinningdoc]

Freja

Wanting to explore my relationship with my father vs my mother. He defends her a lot even though he really gets the brunt of her anger and "crazy making". I think he is depressed. How do you talk to someone who is enabling? Does it do more harm than good?

My experience (44 year old son of a uBPDm and enmeshed father) is that just functionally, treating both parents as a single person works least badly - after all that's how mine see themselves. Mum's less in control of her emotions, but my father's capable of being just as nasty and manipulative when pushed (I assume because after 50 years of my mother he thinks it's normal) even though she's physically abusive to him.

Then again if your dad's depressed rather than full on enmeshed, maybe getting him alone and gently  suggesting talking to his GP might be an idea? And while doctors can't talk about their patients, there's nothing stopping you having a discreet conversation with the GP to pass on your concerns. Naturally the doctor can't say anything much in return, but especially if you're in healthcare yourself, you might find you're both surprising fluent in subtext... .