It's hard to hug a porcupine.

[kindsoul]

It has been a week now since my sister's latest rage/attack. I have limited her from viewing my Facebook posts. In her ranting email she sent me after I refused to take the bait in her craziness. She said "can't you see the hurt through my anger"? NO! She wants to be comforted after attacking me! It is So messed up! I'm starting to get anxious wondering how this next part will play out. I have really had it and wish to be no contact for a while, but I know she will start to push it soon. Any advice?

[GeekyGirl]

It is messed up. There might be some truth to what your sister said. She may be hurting, and using anger and inappropriate ways to deal with that pain. That doesn't mean that it's ok to rage or to attack you.

What do you think your sister will do next, and what can you do to prepare? What kinds of limits could you set with her (along with changing your Facebook settings) to protect yourself?

[kindsoul]

Thanks GeekyGirl for your reply,

I am really really torn about how to approach her. She may just "pretend" it never happened once her meds are adjusted (which was her latest excuse for her raging), or she will continue to badger me about why we're not closer, why I don't call her, etc. Now that I am accepting the fact that she truly is mentally ill I'm hoping that I can regain some power and begin to deal with her in a more detached way. I've always known she had depression/anxiety but could never figure out this anger/negativity piece until I really recognized her BPD in this last fit of rage of hers. Knowledge is power, they say, so with the help of my therapist, I'm hoping to incorporate some of the tools found here and reframe my approach with her. Trust me I am petrified of another interaction with her, so I'm not sure how much power I can take back, but it is a work in progress. I can not bring myself to email her or pick up the phone, no matter how much I know she is hurting, and for this I feel guilty. However, I am a strong person in so many other aspects of my life and I want to draw from that strength. Why does she leave me feeling so weak and powerless? So frustrating!

[pallavirajsinghani]

She is your sister, so it is hard for you to look at her as a clinician would, with detachment.  Your sister is correct in her observation, that she is very hurt and in pain and suffering immensely.  What she does not know, or is not willing to accept is that no one is the cause of that suffering.  She is desperate to find out why she is suffering so intensely, so she blames you, then she will blame something else, then someone else... . it is the desperation of a person trying to find the cause of that suffering.

The tragedy of this situation is that the cause of suffering is inherent in her.  Her brain is mis-wired.  She is in pain and will be in pain regardless of what is changed in the environment outside of her. 

Naturally you are affected negatively by her accusation that you cause her suffering.  It is hard not be affected by this.

I hope that you will consider some counseling for yourself as you have a loved one with a mental disorder and you need help to cope with it.

I am so glad that you are with us.  Hope we can help you seek wellness for yourself.

By the way, writing is an escape mechanism of overwhelming emotions.  It is like a safety valve on a pressure cooker.  It helps the worst of the "steam" to escape to prevent the cooker from exploding.  Her email tirade is her safety valve of steam for now.  It is unfair that you are the target of it.  It gives her some type of "target" to direct the rage at and to tell herself that she herself is NOT the cause of her pain, and someone else is and that someone is you.

BPD is a disorder of denial... . unfortunately for them and for those who love them.

Hope that with each new piece of information, you will learn how to develop good coping mechanisms.

God Bless.

[kindsoul]

Thanks Pallivirasinghani (sp?),

I have been in therapy for 5 years and off and on for many years before that. I am a student of Buddhism and believe that loving detachment is one of the ways through this as a member of a family suffering from mental illness. Every new step towards acceptance and understanding about this disorder helps me to become healthier in my own life. Luckily my sister has been able to maintain a marriage, two grown children and some friends, and I live an hour away, so it is easier for me to be detached geographically. There were such enmeshment expectations in my family that it is hard to differentiate and separate theirs from mine... . which is what I've been working on in my own psychotherapy.

I appreciate this forum and the insight I'm gaining from hearing your stories.

[kindsoul]

It has been almost two months since I last spoke to my sister after this rage attack email. We are getting together for a family party this afternoon for my Aunt's birthday at my uBPD sister's house. We have only been in contact through group email to arrange for the family party. I have been doing quite a bit of work with my therapist over the past couple of months and hoping that this will be a joyful party but on guard nonetheless with my sister's unpredictable patterns. Just asking for some warm thoughts, prayers, good energy that this day goes without too much drama. Thanks for being here everyone. I may not post frequently, but I benefit from all of your stories and wise words. Bless you all.

[P.F.Change]

I am confident that you will know how to handle whatever comes your way. In my own journey I have learned that being prepared and being "on guard" are not necessarily the same. The latter comes from fear and an insecurity in my ability to cope and makes me feel hypervigilant and anxious. Preparedness is an inner calm and trust that I know how to take care of myself, whatever may occur. It sounds like you have experience minding your boundaries. You can remain Yourself while your sister remains Herself. You can maintain your calm no matter how violent her storm.

Let us know how things go this afternoon.

Wishing you peace,

PF

[kindsoul]

Thanks P.F.Change,

My sister greeted me at the door in a super sickeningly sweet way. Way way over the top, so that was a bit unnerving in itself, but it let me know that she was going to be on her best behavior and I settled into the day and enjoyed the rest of the family and had little conversation, contact with her directly. My partner planted herself between me and my sister at dinner in order to be a buffer and kept up the conversation with her. God Bless her! You are right P.F. about the "on guard" comment. Thank you for that insight. As we all know it's an ongoing journey of ups and downs and unpredictability. I am still working on staying in my calm while my sister's tornado spins around her. Thanks again.