need help understanding these feeling

[simplyasiam]

im at a strange point in all this.

I know im starting to detach from exBPDg/f I think the biggest reason the detachment has started is that shes stoped contacting me. the lack of contact killed at frist and still hurts a little.

I can see and feel myself living again but some part of me still wants to go back. wants to see/hear her from her. i know as little as 1 txt and i would fall again. i may be getting lucky and some how shes going to let me live maybe shes sparing my life.

im scared to death of whats to come in the days and weeks ahead. I worry about being able to stay in my home. not because of past pain but from knowing when and if any new r/s comes to the point of living together the other person may not want to live there. what if they have kids they may not want the kids to change school. thinking of that makes me feel as i will be the one giving up everything again. i know that thinking to far ahead but its how i feel.

I cant seem to find anything good with new ppl I meet, im sacred for anyone new I meet. scared I may drag them into this or hurt them in some way.

spending the last few months alone ive grown  recovered some, not much have a long ways to go.i cant understand how the ex had so much depression sadness pain then seemed to recover from it in a matter of weeks, now i live with all that every day. she said she wanted to be independent and live on her own. she never spent a day alone leans on her new b/f just as she did me. i on the other hand still live alone am paying my own way by myself in life. cant understand how i got everything she wanted, i didn't want it.

I want a normal life again but am so scared of it. the what if feeling is all over me at these days. I know the chance of every getting the r/s back and having it work are next to nothing.

ive always been someone that stays away from danger but with this the most danger ive ever been in, in my life I cant seem to walk away from it.

ive met some that seems to be a very nice person has her life together has goals and dreams. im scared to death being around her. I don't know how to act, how not ask her if shes ok or whats wrong all the time. my hands shake when im around her. I think what if I see a red flag? what if this starts to work omg I want to run!

I don't want to be strong anymore, but i have to i have to make it past this. im sick of thinking abouthis sick of learning sick that i ever met her sick knowing i begged to to be with her at times. i don't want this life im living my hands are shaking hard my head hurts so bad ive spent over a hour trying to type this.

im not sure if im getting better or getting closer to losing my mind. ive been thinking of putting myself in the mental health center here.

[dangoldfool]

simplyasiam

It sound like you are over thinking most of these issues you brought up in your post. Your doing good that you've meet a new person.( I wish I could say that).

Have you talk to a T about any of this. It might help you to talk with one in person. They have helped me to get my thoughts my struggles.

We all struggle to move forward, some take longer than others. Your doing fine, making progress. Just go slow with the new relationship. No need to rush anything right now.

If you feel that you can't deal with all this on your own seek out a mental health center to help you get to a more stable state of mind. You need to help yourself first.  OK God bless you