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Author Topic: Did WE ever love them?  (Read 4252 times)
toomanytears
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« Reply #60 on: September 19, 2013, 03:28:22 PM »

My child in me loves him unconditionally. It's because I can see his inner child. His child that never came fully grow due to neglect. I see it as clear as I've ever seen anything. It is this light-hearted, silly, and compassionate boy who loves deeply.

This thread hits the nail on the head  - especially the above quote from Dontknow2. But I do think there's something narcissistic going on too. We did look very alike, almost like brother and sister, when we first met and people commented on that. Perhaps in retrospect this is a bit spooky. He left over 5 weeks ago now and I'm going through some severe withdrawal pains. Like some of the other posts here I often thought about how wonderful it would be to be free of his moods, manipulation and rages. Now I am alone it feels like hell. I just hope I get through it.
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Phoenix.Rising
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« Reply #61 on: September 19, 2013, 05:41:16 PM »

Now I am alone it feels like hell. I just hope I get through it.

You can get through it!  I know it feels like hell.  It did for me, too.  Keep reaching out, however you need to do that.  Pay attention to taking care of yourself.  Be gentle with yourself, and try to take it moment by moment if need be.  The feelings will eventually pass.   Smiling (click to insert in post)
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toomanytears
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« Reply #62 on: October 03, 2013, 04:57:26 PM »

Thanks Phoenix. I am already better than I was when I posted on 19 Sept. I know there will be further lows but I will get out of them. That's why these boards are so great. You can track progress by reading past posts and it's good to see how far I've come.  I am finding NC hard to resist though. Just managed 12 hours then slipped up
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curlybob

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« Reply #63 on: October 03, 2013, 05:41:49 PM »

I was in Love with my BPD friend.  It wasn't lust. When I like someone  I like them and I liked her a lot. I didn't like her because of her career, or her crazy social life and her so called celeb friends. 

I really liked her because of her passionate writing, and her passion for what she believes in. I was madly in Love.

But then she decided she hated me gave me the silent treatment however still contacting through horoscope , newsletters and emails.

And its been so hard.  Because if the circumstances had been that straight forward it could work. But the fact  is that it can't.

Its took me 5 years to realize that you can fall in Love and see true love in a BPD person. But sustaining a consistant relationship is extremely difficult.

And that is what is a shame!
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« Reply #64 on: October 03, 2013, 09:50:02 PM »

At the end she said I did not love her.  She said I may admire her, I may be obsessed with her, but I did not love her.

Maybe she's right?

I keep telling myself that I loved her more than anyone else I've ever met in my life!  I looked past her abusiveness and focused on her good qualities.  I cared for her when she went through pain killer withdrawals.  I was there for her when she had MAJOR meltdowns and wanted to kill herself.  I didn't kill her the night she actually got out a butcher knife and asked me to (and when I wouldn't kill her she said I didn't love her).  I sacrificed my time, my money, my mental health, my physical health.  I would do anything for her at any time of the night or day.

To me that's love.

 

But I was also jealous of her good looks, charm, personality, seductiveness, and how she could make friends with just about anybody anywhere.  I was jealous of her apartment, it's location and how little rent she had to pay.  I was jealous when she was with other people because I only wanted her to myself.  I put her on a pedestal.  I worshiped her.  I lied to her about not having a credit card (to protect myself from her irresponsible spending, but it ruined the foundation of trust in our relationship).  I mislead her into believing I tried to kill myself when I actually didn't.  I was cheap with her in many different ways.

That's not love.

But did she ever love me?

Constantly berating me, criticizing me, insulting me, humiliating me, interrogating me, screaming at me, putting me in dangerous situations, throwing me out of her apartment at 3 A.M. (3 times and 2 more times in the afternoon), bad mouthing me behind my back and in front of my face, hitting me, shoving me to the ground, threatening to kill me, threatening to slowly and painfully torture me, asking me to kill her, throwing drinks in my face, lying to me, ignoring my needs while focusing on her own, selfishly wasting my time, stealing my credit card, abandoning me, misinterpreting me, ignoring me, being sarcastic to me, mocking me, threatening to have me arrested on made up charges, etc.

That's not love.

But she did try to build up my self esteem, she encouraged me, she was on my side when no one else was there for me, she stood up for me, she mentored me, she was generous with her time and money towards me, she helped me to get out of my shell and socialize, she gave me tons of great wisdom and advice, she gave me lots of her old stuff, she always kissed me on the lips and said I love you whether we were coming or going, etc.

Those things, and many more, made me feel special and loved.

I think we both tried to love each other as best we could, but maybe neither of us were truly capable of loving one another.  We're both so damaged.

The last time I saw her she told me to get as close to her face as possible and look into her eyes.  Slowly and clearly she said the words, "I do not love you anymore."

Whether I truly loved her or not doesn't matter, because our relationship is over and those words really hurt.
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Century2012
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« Reply #65 on: October 05, 2013, 10:31:30 AM »

I was in love with the fact that he was so in love with me. But I didn't really like him. But I didn't want all the I love you's to stop. It's like being addicted to a drug.

I have to be fair to my exBPD because while I feel hurt by him, I know I hurt him. I "loved" him for the wrong reasons. Because I loved the feeling of being needed. Because all the attention made me feel like a teenager. I wanted to love him, to feel truly affectionate feelings about him. He is a very kind man in many ways. He just is so empty on the inside that his immature behavior and DRINKING (deal breaker) that I just didn't feel it. I cried not only because I lost my "love drug," but also because I did see behind the Wizard of Oz curtain and saw a person desperately trying to be loved and lovable.

I think if we are honest with ourselves, they feed us as much as we feed them.


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numb_buddha

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« Reply #66 on: October 05, 2013, 11:31:56 AM »

No. I loved the idea of her, which I found to be a carefully constructed mask and facade. So no, I never loved her. I have no clue who she is, even.
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Undone123
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« Reply #67 on: October 05, 2013, 01:21:30 PM »

No. I loved the idea of her, which I found to be a carefully constructed mask and facade. So no, I never loved her. I have no clue who she is, even.

I feel exactly the same... .I feel I don't know her, and she doesn't know me. We are strangers to each other and everything was a facade
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Century2012
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« Reply #68 on: October 05, 2013, 01:43:07 PM »

Undone ... .I feel so sad for you. I saw the man behind the Wizard of Oz curtain. He was real. He was the one I loved. It was the facade I disliked so much. Maybe that's why my exBPD and I don't hate each other.
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DragoN
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« Reply #69 on: October 05, 2013, 01:48:14 PM »

If I want to be completely honest with me, I have to admit that I never loved my dBPDexgf in the sense of a mature love and total acceptance of who she was.

I loved certain parts of who she was; and the way she looked at me and idealized me felt good; and it was so good to be the one taking care and helping (kind of loving the dependance in which my ex was).

I draw two conclusions from this:

1/ It's so easy and convenient to convince myself that I loved her and she did not love me, to put the blame on her, rather than facing the facts. But is it really honest?

2/ It's easier to detach when you can see your part in the r/s, how you contributed to the failure (but so difficult to admit that I was not perfect). Those here who truly loved their pwBPD must have a even harder time than me, codependent, to detach because they offered true love. I got back what I "deserved".

I am not there yet but the nice thing about all this is that I start realizing that I can validate myself. The voice in me that judges my actions starts to like the new person I am trying to be!

This is so a good point, and at same time  after 8 years, it is fair to say, I accepted who he was of that which I was shown. Problem was he would not show the truth, but a confabulation that changed over time. Inconsistent. The masks were ever shifting to hide the screaming child.

Love waxes and wanes when it is real, it doesn't die in a 1 minute outburst and become hatred. But the BPD it is like this. Far too damaging for the partner.

How long can one sustain love in the face of abuse? Can you truly love someone that hurts you so willfully and with such skill to go for your most vulnerable aspects and use them against you? Who is the sick one then?  
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« Reply #70 on: October 05, 2013, 02:08:37 PM »

Undone ... .I feel so sad for you. I saw the man behind the Wizard of Oz curtain. He was real. He was the one I loved. It was the facade I disliked so much. Maybe that's why my exBPD and I don't hate each other.

YES!

From the start. Back to college days, I was baffled by the quiet, sensitive, gentle, kind, intelligent boy I saw alone with me, and the loud, horrible drunk in the Student Bar.

Now the two are even further apart, the same man for me in private but now it's the Facebook-persona he hides behind.

and what's worse is the FB-persona is the same loud-mouthed, paaartyyyy-animal bar-fly he used to be - but he went through rehab 5 years ago and had been sober and living with his mum for four years... .he drank for one weekend in the first year of our recent relationship (conveniently it turned out he has a change in the punctuation of his messages when drunk - no idea why, but it is a really useful thing I never told him about!) - but the last few months since he started seriously gaslighting me and the Other Woman did or didn't come into it... .he was drinking every so often, maybe once a fortnight, even more often.

He drinks when with her, which tells me it's about to go horribly disastrous - the rehab was because he was homeless, living on the street, getting his clothes stolen, all that stuff, literally a street-wino. His mum and I had a long talk about that... .I was the only girlfriend of his she had met in many years, so she was really keen to make sure I knew what he was like, as she'd had to throw him out a number of times. She's not perfect, btw, but she's not a bad mother, just one who had a lot to deal with.

Anyway... .

Facades and masks... .the man inside there I love.

But it feels like he fell into his own FB-persona... .horrible... .
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heartandwhole
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« Reply #71 on: October 06, 2013, 11:50:31 AM »

Staff only

Hi everyone.  This thread has reached the four page limit and is now locked.  Feel free to continue the conversation by starting a new topic. 
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