Another NC letter for everyone's thoughts

[spinningdoc]

A brief bit of background. 44 year old son of a high functioning uBPDm, enmeshed father, sister NC with both of them. Mum increasingly waify though witchy when pushed - in recent months she's managed to appear on local TV news as an isolated old lady helped by a charity befriending service (in fact, she's one of the befrienders, shares a house with my dad, and has 'friends', so who knows what she told the reporter), and also had the police out after she physically abused my 72 year old father - she got him to report himself for abusing her.

After years of MC, I think I've reached the final straw going NC point, and I *think* this is the email I want to send. All new-pair-of-eyes wisdom appreciated.

A little set up: in April, mum had a serious but routine bowel operation, and I dropped everything at an awkward point to travel two hours to see her in hospital. My sister's 40th party was a couple of weeks later, and I went to it without dropping in on my mother (they live about 30 mins apart). A bit of Facebook stalking later, and last week I got the full nastiness/emotional blackmail from both parents for not seeing them then. It's the latest in the long line of attempted manipulation from them, and this is my 'back off, this is your last warning before NC' email.

I know I don't have to justify etc. but on the other hand, if I just drop contact with no explanation (a) I'm really depriving my parents of any choice about their behaviour, which isn't fair; and (b) they'll get extra mental and possibly end up on my doorstep, which I don't want. So it's a combination of principle and pragmatism in sending this.

Here's the draft anyhow, and apologies for the length of the post:

"I can appreciate that someone mysteriously (from your point of view) going silent is distressing, so here's an explanation so you don't have to speculate.

The last pseudo-incident is just the latest in a cycle that's been repeating for years: drama, followed by blaming who-ever's emotionally to hand, and demanding they make reparations by proving they love you.  And if there's no drama to hand, it's manufactured by stalking (repeatedly driving past or surveilling people's houses, and now, it seems via Facebook, for instance) or obsessing on some imagined slight from years before.

Up to now, I've thought it was better to try to deal with the situation as it is, but when something as straightforward as going to my sister's birthday party and choosing not to see you turns into an opportunity for cyber-stalking, strange juvenile 'gotchas', and emotional blackmail, that doesn't seem possible any more. If that kind of behaviour seems acceptable to you, that in itself only highlights why I'm refusing to play. I'm not going to get into another relentless circular 'discussion', which is why I will continue not to respond each time you try to initiate another round. I'm also not prepared to deal with boundary-testing forever. The next time will be the last you have the opportunity.

Please don't take this as an invitation to endlessly chew over possible implications and come up with bizarre extrapolations of what I've said. I've said what I want to say, as clearly and explicitly as I want to."

Thoughts gratefully received.

[Marcia]

Very kind, I think. And you certainly deserve a break! You might want to make it clear that you are ending communication with them--resigning!

You have tried, and with some distance you will see that other people have older relatives who actually care about them and want to be nice, and supportive. My in-laws, even when they became quite infirm and lost ground mentally, remained incredibly sweet to us. I bet you can't even imagine that.

I loved your mom in the news--dark sense of humor on my part, I know, but dream come true for her--being able to show the world her tragic plight. I hope you really do take a hiatus, you have put up with a lot, and it isn't likely to improve... .

[Sasha026]

As Marcia said, it was very kind. Do expect a response with a lot of accusations, excuses, more cyber-stalking, phone calls, phone calls from family and friends and the like. These women don't give up so fast and just love to trample all over your boundaries. I think that they think that a boundary is a double dog dare.

Why do you think they deserve to hear what you think? They won't accept it. I once sent my mother a tearful, nasty letter telling her what I thought of her machinations. The day she got the letter, she called me. I said, "did you get my letter?" and she said "yes" so I said, "well, what do you think?" (bracing for another battle) and she said, "Oh... . it said that you love me." HUH?

My letter didn't say that at all! They spend hours (BPD speak) reading between the lines or in normal speak - making up what they want to believe. If you send that letter to your waify BPD mother, you will get a call and spend hours on the phone listening to what a good mother she was and what a bad son you are. It will also be shared with anyone who will read the letter or listen to her plight.

How about this for a letter!

Dear Mom and Dad,

Going to the deepest, darkest jungles of Africa tomorrow. Will not be home for a year. No cell service there, so I will be out of contact. Wish me luck that I don't get eaten by wild animals. If you don't hear from me again, I have been eaten by wild animals.

Love,

Spinningdoc

A little levity, but in reality a BPD's attitude is "never give up". I tried to go NC with my mother in '07 and it was impossible. I got mushy cards, letters, phone calls from her friends and even a letter from the monsignor of her church saying "your poor mother doesn't know what she's done wrong! Please contact her so you two could patch it up." When relating her story to the priest, she left out a few important details about her heinous behavior that brought on the NC.

I didn't get to go NC until she had her stroke and was in a nursing home and I was a thousand miles away in another state. Why not just stop contacting her? I know you want to tell her off, but will she accept it? If she calls, check your Caller ID and don't take the call. If she writes, don't answer. If you do speak to her, just say that you have been incredibly busy. Keep all contact at a minimum and develop a hard shell to her constant melodramas realizing that's what they are, all melodramas thought up by a sick woman to pull you back in.

My heart goes out to all of you people having to deal with this. I'm out of the soup on this because my mother died in February. I don't have to worry anymore - she's gone. You would think that I would feel bad, but all I feel is relief. That may be cold, but after decades of vicious melodramas that were staged for my benefit, I'm just tired and in need of peace. I can now live my life with the daily ups and downs. It's kind of strange not to have Armageddon happening tomorrow, but it does feel a bit better.

Hugs,

Sasha

[P.F.Change]

I can understand why you're frustrated.

Your letter seems to be a bit of a vent and contains some rather vague accusations. You have every right to feel angry, and certainly everyone needs to vent from time to time. As I understand it, you are wanting to let your parents know that you are nearing the end of your rope and that you need certain behavior to stop if you are going to continue in the relationship. As written, I think your draft is not specific or succinct enough to accomplish your goal. If I did not have your backstory, I would not have understood what you are trying to ask for.

My suggestion is to stick to the facts and be specific. Something like, "I am an adult and will spend my time as I see fit. I feel the messages you sent me about not having come to visit were manipulative and inappropriate.  I do not appreciate your monitoring my movements and consider it stalking behavior. I must ask that you stop. I am not interested in discussing this issue further. If you are able to respect my privacy and speak to me respectfully as an adult, I will be able to continue contact with you."

There are some good communication tools outlined on this site that you might use as a guide. DEARMAN in particular might be helpful. Others include PUVAS and SET.

Wishing you peace,

PF