Just not sure if I have the strength or will power to fight anymore

[MatzlanGirl]

I really need some encouragement, because I feel like I am really starting to lose hope. I feel like the years and years of fighting and arguing and trying to figure out ways to cope with my BPD h is just zapping all my energy, and I feel emotionally and physically drained, to the point now where I am starting to feel like I just don't care anymore! Sometimes it feels like I am right on the verge of just "giving up" and saying, "oh well, what's the sense in trying anymore." Detaching would be so much easier if I had a support network around me, like many of you do, on this site. I don't have that. I don't have anyone. I feel like I have no one, like I am left all alone to deal with this crap and find a way out totally by myself. I've spent 2 years trying to reach out to family and friends, crying and begging for their help, when obviously they are too wrapped up in themselves and their own lives to give a crap. Well, I am done begging. I am done trying to reach out. I guess, after 2 years of begging for their help, and being ignored, I am finally getting the hint. I was thinking the other day, debating about sending them one last email, but, why bother? That will probably be ignored too.

[Lucky Jim]

Hi MG,

I suggest that you give your family and friends a pass for the time being.  The sad fact is that unless you have been in an intimate r/s with a pwBPD, you really have no clue how bad it can get.  For me, friends were only of limited help because BPD was way beyond anything that they had ever experienced in a r/s.  As a result, most people can't comprehend when it comes to BPD, in my view.

No doubt the exhaustion you describe is normal for a Non.  It's tiring to walk on eggshells all the time.  When I reached the point of separation from my BPDexW, I described feeling like there was no gas left in the tank.  I was burned out from relentless stress.

My suggestion is that you start by taking better care of yourself in order to regain some energy.  It's easier said than done, I know, but you have to start somewhere.

Hang in there,

Lucky Jim

[Lady31]

I agree with LuckyJim, they probably just don't get it.  There are other options and you are not alone.  In this situation the best things I think would be to find a good T.  They will help you begin to sort everything out, get clear, and start looking at and preparing mentally and emotionally for your options.

The other thing I would suggest is to go to meetup.com or research other groups online for support groups in your area for BPD or PDs and see if you can find something.  People on this board may be able to offer other suggestions for finding these support groups. There are a few in my area, not specifically for BPD, but mental illness in general.

There are ALWAYS options.  I know you are feeling extremely down and exhausted right now.  I thought I was going to lose it after everything with my exH and trying to hold it all together and at the same time deal with his constant abuse and chaos he brought.  Now I have peace that I finally got out and from the all the new chaos, but have to suffer the aftermath of fighting panic disorder trying to start again in my life - I guess kind of like PTSD.

BUT - I will get through this phase too.  You will make it. 

What can you do right know to start working on your own emotional state to bring it back to a place that is more positive and hopeful for YOU and YOUR life so that you can start to process what to do next?  Only you can do this part... . and you CAN! 

[KHC_33]

I understand how you feel. I just moved into a new city. Almost an hour from where we were living. My only family is in Alberta (3 days away from me). I am the only child of my family. I have two children I am raising by myself. I barely know anyone in the city! (smile, but I am willing to meet new people!) You need supportive people in your corner. People that will want you to succeed and want you to be healthy. I have taken steps to find myself. I got a new phone (I never have been able to feel good about getting something when I have needed it.) It was a used phone (my other one was dying and no long could use it). I got my hair done (what a boost to your self esteem!) I tried new foods (my girls and I had so much fun doing that). I have started working out every day (gym) I have lost weight to feel good about myself! You need to start living your own life. Baby steps.

You will find yourself having so much more energy when you stop obsessing about your BPD. Hard cycle to break but it is doable. Cheers to your health! Hang in there.

[MatzlanGirl]

I agree with LuckyJim, they probably just don't get it.  There are other options and you are not alone.  In this situation the best things I think would be to find a good T.  They will help you begin to sort everything out, get clear, and start looking at and preparing mentally and emotionally for your options.

The other thing I would suggest is to go to meetup.com or research other groups online for support groups in your area for BPD or PDs and see if you can find something.  People on this board may be able to offer other suggestions for finding these support groups. There are a few in my area, not specifically for BPD, but mental illness in general.

There are ALWAYS options.  I know you are feeling extremely down and exhausted right now.  I thought I was going to lose it after everything with my exH and trying to hold it all together and at the same time deal with his constant abuse and chaos he brought.  Now I have peace that I finally got out and from the all the new chaos, but have to suffer the aftermath of fighting panic disorder trying to start again in my life - I guess kind of like PTSD.

BUT - I will get through this phase too.  You will make it. 

What can you do right know to start working on your own emotional state to bring it back to a place that is more positive and hopeful for YOU and YOUR life so that you can start to process what to do next?  Only you can do this part... . and you CAN! 

I did check the meetup.com website as you suggested. There are no such groups near my area. Thanks for the suggestion, though.

[bpdspell]

Matzian Girl,

I agree with the others.

There are always options when it comes to our well being. Getting out of the toxic BPD dance is really not about getting help from others as much as it's about making a decision for yourself. You are a grown adult and it is within your power to choose freedom from abuse. Your friends and family cannot make your legs walk away from your BPD. This is your life and therefore you are accountable for it.

I understand what it feels like to feel alone and not have support. I have been on my own since 18 and have lived without extended family most of my life because they live in another country.  In addition both my parents are emotionally toxic and unavailable. Most of my needs have been met in intimate relationships. But of course my BPDex forced my hand. His abuse escalated to violence and his entitled demands became intolerable. I had to choose me over abuse and while it's painful to let go and surrender it's even more painful to be abused by someone who claims to love you.

You have to learn how to love yourself. You do not deserve to be abused and punished. The longer you stay the more the abuse will increase. Please know that you have the power to walk away.

Spell

[MatzlanGirl]

Dear BPDspell,

I understand from what you're saying, that I don't need the help of others to help me "walk away," but understand that it was only because of the help of others that I WAS ABLE to walk away the last two times. It was only BECAUSE OF the help of others, that I had a place to go to live, once I left. I unfortunately tho, was foolish, and made a bad decision, and allowed him to continue "contact" with me, and found myself being manipulated and "suckered back in." This is the 2nd time I got talked into coming back, because I was stupid and believed his lies and empty promises. I know in my heart now, beyond a doubt... . since I am a lot wiser and a whole lot more knowledgeable about this BPD thing, (thanks to what I've learned about it on this site) that "I won't be talked into it again." You said that all I need are my legs, but without any place to go to live, once I do walk away, what good are my "legs to walk away with," gonna do me? Where are they gonna take me? When I did it last time, it still took me at least a year of planning my escape, before I could actually go thru with it. I did it before, and I know I can do it again. But I can't just walk out the door without a plan, and go live out of a parking lot, so I have to get a plan before I can do anything. But before I can make a plan, I have to find a job, and that's what I am working on now! Just trying to take things one step at a time. Anyways, I've already pretty much made up my mind that my family don't give a crap, so I am not even going to consider them as an option for help anymore. I have given up on them! I am just gonna rely on no one but me... . me, myself, and I! I made a bad decision years ago, and I accept that it is because of the choice that I made for my life, that I am now reaping the consequences. Its up to me to change things, I realize that, that no one can do it, but me. I got myself into it, and I will get myself out, one way or another, all by myself! I am not askin' for help from no one anymore!

[changingme]

matzlangirl,

I am all alone too dealing with this.  Only 2 people know, my mom and a friend.  My mom doesn't believe in mental illness and my friend listened to me yet makes remarks that tells me she didn't really listen.  I found strength in keeping it to myself.  It sounds backwards, yet the more I kept reaching out the more I felt burned that I didn't get the response I needed.  I keep it to myself and find strength in knowing I know the truth.  I vent here. 

Hope that helps.