Reproductive Abuse, Bpd, and the baby...

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hi guys. I figured my initial thread was disorganized and confusing. So I'll attempt to relate how our relationship is now, and how we got here.

I met BP about a year before my marriage ended. Shortly after that, her partner dropped her off at college and deserted her. Somehow, she turned up pregnant with his child, and I ended up comforting her through the subsequent miscarriage. In addition, she has a nebulous unidentified repeatedly misdiagnosed malady that has been ongoing for several years.

When my ex-wife left yself and my children, she became helpful, supportive, and empathic. Six months after my ex left, we ended up in a relationship, and just when things started getting bad, she insisted on unprotected intercourse. Twelve hours after I sent her an email telling her I had had enough, she shows me the test informing me that I am the proud owner of a new child. I don't really understand how that happened, and its interesting that it happened with her previous love interest as well.

Since the baby was born, she has been at war with my closest friend / sister in law. Every time I spend any time around her, BP will become angry despite the fact that at this point I spend no time with anyone when BP isn't at work.

My main concern is, I have no feelings about this child. I felt cheated and trapped ever since she turned up pregnant. I never intended to have more kids, and I told her this literally on day o.e of our relationship. But I don't want him to be punished for my mistakes either. In a mother dominated legal system, especially between unwed parents, I cannot help him if we are separated. But my heart is burnt out on her, I was already traumatized by the way my ex left myself and our children. I only feel miserable anymore. I hate work, I hate being at home, and I don't see any end to this cycle. Will me deserting the child I never wanted make me a bad person? I'm afraid it does. Will I go crazy if I stay here? Probably.

I feel the cage she built is unbreakable, that I can't escape, and she is uncontrollable. All roads lead to disaster.

[Dark_Angel]

Hi guys. I figured my initial thread was disorganized and confusing. So I'll attempt to relate how our relationship is now, and how we got here.

I met BP about a year before my marriage ended. Shortly after that, her partner dropped her off at college and deserted her. Somehow, she turned up pregnant with his child, and I ended up comforting her through the subsequent miscarriage. In addition, she has a nebulous unidentified repeatedly misdiagnosed malady that has been ongoing for several years.

When my ex-wife left yself and my children, she became helpful, supportive, and empathic. Six months after my ex left, we ended up in a relationship, and just when things started getting bad, she insisted on unprotected intercourse. Twelve hours after I sent her an email telling her I had had enough, she shows me the test informing me that I am the proud owner of a new child. I don't really understand how that happened, and its interesting that it happened with her previous love interest as well.

Since the baby was born, she has been at war with my closest friend / sister in law. Every time I spend any time around her, BP will become angry despite the fact that at this point I spend no time with anyone when BP isn't at work.

My main concern is, I have no feelings about this child. I felt cheated and trapped ever since she turned up pregnant. I never intended to have more kids, and I told her this literally on day o.e of our relationship. But I don't want him to be punished for my mistakes either. In a mother dominated legal system, especially between unwed parents, I cannot help him if we are separated. But my heart is burnt out on her, I was already traumatized by the way my ex left myself and our children. I only feel miserable anymore. I hate work, I hate being at home, and I don't see any end to this cycle. Will me deserting the child I never wanted make me a bad person? I'm afraid it does. Will I go crazy if I stay here? Probably.

I feel the cage she built is unbreakable, that I can't escape, and she is uncontrollable. All roads lead to disaster.

[Dark_Angel]

After perusing the articles, posts, and blogs here I have reached the inescapable conclusion that there is no answers, only more questions. People are fighting their hearts out to stay with people they are emotionally attached to which is understandable. However, it is very common for the abused to bond with their abuser. I somehow have no bond there, once all of this came out I just felt betrayed like there should have been a warning label. And yet, if so many people have this syndrome, how can I ever expect to find a normal or worthwhile relationship. Do I have BPD also? I know I've been prone to irrational anger, and I do like to be in control of my environment. I think I have one or more neurosis perhaps, but ones I fight for control of regularly so as to not disrupt the lives of those around me.

But the moral of the story is, I don't think there's a good answer to be had here, or anywhere. Reproductive abuse, the act of one or the other partner coercing or forcing the other into a situation where a child may result as a way of trapping them and controlling them, is obviously a defined phenomenon but not one that people are protected from should a child result. And persons with BPD can mentally and emotionally abuse their partner and the only recourse is to run. But what if an infant is in the mix, what if that is the hook?

I apologize for coming onto this forum, as I don't have any help to offer, and other than problem identification I don't believe there's any help to be gained.

[an0ught]

Hi Dark Angel,

you are facing difficult choices.

What may be helpful is to start at the basics - your values - to think through what you will and will not agree to. A workshop on thinking about values and boundaries can be found here: Upholding our values and independence.

It is great that you are able to reaching out to your family for support. In the end what you do will be your decision and you will have to live with the consequences. If you get stuck in your thinking or feel too pressured an option may be to seek some outside (even professional) advice to talk this through.

,

a0