uBPDm very unstable and i'm fearful of the outcome

[rescuenomore]

Hi, i haven't been on here in a while.  Things were kind of smooth (as smooth as they can be) with limited contact and strong boundaries.  Only i've been waiting for uBPDm to "up the ante" so to speak.  And she did.

She recently went overseas, and was pretty unwell before she left, using lots of sedatives, and was in hospital a couple of times in the weeks beforehand with psychiatric symptoms.  She bought the ticket on impulse saying she wanted to "connect" with her family over there.  Anyway to cut a long story short she hasn't had a great time... broke her arm (my guess is from falling while sedated, she has done this before), was experiencing mania type symptoms, had really high blood pressure, had two seizures and ended up in hospital twice, one of these times she required regulation in the psychiatric ward.

I called to check and see if she is ok and she is now calling me and asking me to call her regularly (which I don't do when she's at home) saying things like "Are you ok? I'm just really concerned that you're worried about me" and has rung her only friend to ask how am I and if i was ok, over and over.  She rang and said things to me like "i'm done with everyone, all i need is my children, that's all that matters to me, and if I don't have my children in my life i have nothing to live for".  

Urrgh... My brother cut her off completely 2 years ago so basically that means that if I don't accommodate her needs then "you know what".  No pressure or anything!  Talk about emotional abuse.  It just makes me want to talk to her less.  Our conversations are always about her illness and have been for the last ten years and it's exhausting.  The good times now seem far and few between.  It's so hard because whilst I love and care about her, i just feel irritated and I want to avoid her because the emotional manipulation never stops even with limited contact.

So i'm not really sure why I'm writing all this here.  I guess i am fearful that she's increasing the pressure and she's not going to like it that it's not going to change anything this time.  I'm just not sure how far she'll go.  Last time I limited contact she broke both her legs and ended up in intensive care and i came running back.  It's hard to say that she does it intentionally but i guess she becomes so unregulated when she feels so abandoned that she binge drinks/drugs etc.  I have that dreaded feeling that it's not going to end well.  I've already starting the process of reengaging with a counsellor to stay strong. Her friend even said to me that maybe I need to prepare myself.  Urrggh... it just feels so horrible. I feel like she is so off-centre at the moment that she is going to rope me in however she can.  She has already said and done so many nasty things.

Any comments or support are much appreciated.

[Bella Storm]

Hi rescuenomore,

First, lots of hugs to you. 

You hit the nail on the head that you are being manipulated and it is emotional abuse. Your mom sounds like she is very unstable. That is really good that you have a therapist to work with. Your mom (like my mom) is mentally ill and no amount of love is going to fill the emptiness of the void that is created by the mental illness. You are not responsible for making your mom well at the expense of your own sanity and well-being. If her response to limited contact is to put her own health at risk, perhaps she can be kept in inpatient longer until she is more stable (not sure if that is a possibility or not). Is she still overseas or back home?

Sorry I can't be of more help, but I will pray for you.

Good luck!

~Bella

[Up In the Air]

Hi rescuenomore,

Oy, the manipulation and emotional abuse. She's definitely trying to pull you back in full circle. Does her involving her friend make you uncomfortable? Any advice I could give you would have no experience behind it, as my unBPD MIL has not shown this kind of behavior before. Stick to your guns. Can you talk with her medical professional(s) and see if she's on suicide watch or like Bella Storm said, to see if they can keep her longer until she is more stable? What does her doctor know about her being sedated and falling and such? Is there a way he/she can yank the prescription or change it with another one?

I'm sure that seeing your counselor will help greatly during this time. Make sure you take care of you. During rough times like these, a good dose of self love is needed. Perhaps you could ease the stress by getting a massage? Or meditating a bit, or getting out in nature for a minute to clear the air and get her off your mind?

Sending positive thoughts and prayers your way.

[GeekyGirl]

Hi rescuenomore and welcome back. 

It has to be really upsetting when you're anticipating an emergency with your mother, and given her history, I can understand your apprehension. I'm sure the pressure is hard to bear, knowing that she expects you to take care of her.

Do you feel like your mother's going to do something to intentionally hurt herself? If so, you might want to reach out to some resources in her area--is there someone who can check up on her? If she does say things to make you think that she'll harm herself, you could (and should) reach out to the local authorities.

It's great that you're working on yourself with a counselor.  That's one good way to take care of yourself, and as you said, to build up strength. What else can you do to make sure that you're ok and strong?

[rescuenomore]

Thanks for your support and well wishes Bella, Up in the Air and GeekyGirl.  I appreciate it 

She is still overseas and they released her From hospital but she's been back in hospital since.  I spoke with her medical team over there and told them my concerns but she has been in the system for years and says what she needs to.  It happens time and time again and no matter what I say to them she just won't get the help she needs.  She won't accept that she is really unwell, or if she does, it is an external cause and not her. Another part of the problem is that she chooses doctors and counsellors that are enablers, and they spoke to the overseas doctors. I have rung her doctor in the past when i was really concerned that she might be showing signs of dementia/stroke (she was really confused and falling a lot etc) and found out the symptoms were from misuse of prescription drugs and stopped when she stopped taking high doses. She's been seeing the same doctor for years and he knows all about her history of addictions etc. 

I don't know if she will do something to intentionally hurt herself, she has done many times before but she calls the ambulance for help herself. I guess i'm more fearful of watching her get herself into such a state again.  I mean she was living in a homeless shelter less than 2 years ago but has since has come into some money... but it will vanish very fast.  I just feel like there is not much more I can do anymore at the expense of my own sanity. I'm terrified of ending up right back in that codependency again and will do anything not to let that happen because i have children now and they are my priority.

It does bother me that she talks to her friend about me but doesn't surprise me. She's been crossing that boundary for years so nothing new there, but she can only do it with limited information now.  In fact her friend is also seeing what is going on at the moment so we are having really open discussions about it and it's kind of nice to have that understanding. 

I don't know what else I can do to stay strong.  I have been talking my friends a bit about things but it's hard for them to understand and I'm focusing on my kids and getting out in the sunshine as much as possible.  I think the counselling will be really helpful when i go back.