BPD Sexual Awakening, Idealiization & Mirroring

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I have noticed that a lot of commentators to these boards have raised the issue of sexual awaking by there BPD after they have left the Non and entered into a new relationship. The general consensus seems to be that because the pwBPD is idealizing someone new they have a reawakening of there libido. I think this is only partially correct.

I think in addition to the idealization (or in included in it if you will) are the concepts of mirroring (wanting to behave like the person they idealize) and low self esteem. For the pwBPD a new lover is not just an opportunity to idealize themselves but to completely reinvent who they are. BPD's have very low self esteem so what they immediately start to do is start taking on the traits of the person they are with. My diagnosed BPD wife met someone and began to idealize the new person and before you know it,  she began to talk and act like he did (same mannerism, raunchy sense of humor etc).

This extended into the bedroom. It did not matter that she may not have enjoyed his sexual preferences in her old persona. Once she began to idealize him, because of her low self esteem she also began to mirror his sexual preferences.  The best way I can explain it is like a kid in high school trying to impress the cool crowd. One day they belong to the preppy crowd and the next they switch to the goths. The moment they start with the new crowd they take on the traits of the group blindly regardless of how they felt about them in the past.

For the previous NON partner of the BPD watching from the outside this transformation is both very confusing and  hurtful. When they were with the BPD more than likely they were slowly being detached and demonized and there sexual interaction was limited or disappointing. Then they are painted black and no sooner than they can they figure out what's going on the BPD has a new partner and changed completely. What the former partner has to remember that the BPD will never grow out of this cycle. For them it's always high school and they will always be changing from one group to the next. Eventually they will have abandonment issues with the new guy and switch yet again.

[confusedhubby]

I have noticed that a lot of commentators to these boards have raised the issue of sexual awaking by there BPD after they have left the Non and entered into a new relationship. The general consensus seems to be that because the pwBPD is idealizing someone new they have a reawakening of there libido. I think this is only partially correct.

I think in addition to the idealization (or in included in it if you will) are the concepts of mirroring (wanting to behave like the person they idealize) and low self esteem. For the pwBPD a new lover is not just an opportunity to idealize themselves but to completely reinvent who they are. BPD's have very low self esteem so what they immediately start to do is start taking on the traits of the person they are with. My diagnosed BPD wife met someone and began to idealize the new person and before you know it,  she began to talk and act like he did (same mannerism, raunchy sense of humor etc).

This extended into the bedroom. It did not matter that she may not have enjoyed his sexual preferences in her old persona. Once she began to idealize him, because of her low self esteem she also began to mirror his sexual preferences.  The best way I can explain it is like a kid in high school trying to impress the cool crowd. One day they belong to the preppy crowd and the next they switch to the goths. The moment they start with the new crowd they take on the traits of the group blindly regardless of how they felt about them in the past.

For the previous NON partner of the BPD watching from the outside this transformation is both very confusing and  hurtful. When they were with the BPD more than likely they were slowly being detached and demonized and there sexual interaction was limited or disappointing. Then they are painted black and no sooner than they can they figure out what's going on the BPD has a new partner and changed completely. What the former partner has to remember that the BPD will never grow out of this cycle. For them it's always high school and they will always be changing from one group to the next. Eventually they will have abandonment issues with the new guy and switch yet again.

[LoneWolf768]

The best way I can explain it is like a kid in high school trying to impress the cool crowd. One day they belong to the preppy crowd and the next they switch to the goths. The moment they start with the new crowd they take on the traits of the group blindly regardless of how they felt about them in the past.

confusedhubbyofBPDw, that's so accurate a description it's scary. It's really such a shame that wwBPD (women with BPD) have such little regard for their reckless behavior and such little self-respect for themselves to the point where they have to mirror a man and have to 'put out' so quickly. This is also done to try and validate themselves. They only see their body as their only asset and think seducing a man will keep him around.

I haven't seen my ex since January but she officially ended it in April. I knew what she was doing but she kept me hanging around, even when I called her out on it. One excuse after another why she wouldn't make time for me for that long... . and I bought it hook, line and sinker every time.

Based on what I know about her with me the first time we met face to face and then met again after 3 + yrs, along with what a friend mentioned about her seducing her estranged husband (this, after maintaining I was the best she had... . there's that idealization trait for you), I'm certain beyond ANY doubt she's been with someone or  someone's. How people can just switch off their feelings so soon and put out again so fast is confusing me and it does hurt ... . and here I thought only women got used!

Great, insightful post, bro. Definitely worth keeping and re-reading! Thanks, confused. I hope you're having a good night.

[Lady31]

I think you are 100% dead on with this.

[GreenMango]

Confusedhubby are you still with your wife trying to see if the relationship is salvageable?

[confusedhubby]

Hi GreenMango.

No I am presently in the midst f divorce proceedings with her and NC for last week.

We have been LC for last 2 months and I went no contact after I saw her last week.

One of the problems I have is that I have 2 children with her D7 and D8. Because of her drinking problems she is not allowed to see the children unsupervised and even then court orders require her only limited time with the kids. If truth be told however, she has not shown much interest in seeing the kids. Her sole priority seems to be this new man she found (moved in after  weeks) and her new sexual awakening -- or as she describes it "I have finally found the true meaning of love". The funny thing is that even while she has been seeing him she has been cheating on him as well. BPD's are really like immature kids. They make fantastic claims and over the top statements but in reality they have low self esteem and are easily manipulated by those around them when they feel abandoned.

When I last saw her last week (first time in about 6 weeks) she put the moves on me and we made out but then she withdrew -- I was a fool to fall for her bait. I truly believe that if she is to get better and address her BPD & alcoholism issues I have to be NC. Otherwise what's the point. She will always play these childish games and waste her life. There is no stability. 

[mitchell16]

I cnat say mine mirrored me sexual or the way I talked. But i do remeber her values were the same as mine. Which later i started noticing the switch. But waht i didn notice in the beginning was she had female friend that she looked at as alomst a mother figure and she when we was around this friend with in minutes she started talking and acting the same way. This friend IM not sure if she is BPD but she does have some serious issues. This person will beliite her husband every chance she gets in public. I can remmebr my BPD telling me just how bad that was and how she could beoieve her freind talked to her husband that way. BUt guess what towards the end of our relationship, she started trying to talk to me the same was when we was with this friend and her husband.

But the big key was the values, proclaimed to be a christian, believed in accountability, made stand against certain things but towards the end was nothng like that not even close.

[GreenMango]

It's really hard to be no contact with kids.  LC and minimizing exposure to those destructive stuff is important.

Unfortunately the alcoholism is there.  There's very little therapy will do until she's sober. 

Sounds like the intimacy with her is a draw.  Part of the disorder is impairments of intimacy and indentity - as you've seen its really different than how you think or handle things.

Sorry to hear about your family - how's the kids?

[confusedhubby]

Hi GreenMango. Thanks for asking.

Kids are doing fine all things considered. They are hurt that there mother abandoned them but we are working through things slowly. Like all BPD's my wife is selfish and does not think of the effects of her illness and drinking have on her family.

[GreenMango]

Its gotta be pretty awful seeing all this happen.  For kids its even worse.

It's good they have you - one parent being stable is going to help.

All the things your wife is going thru can't be easy to watch.  Do you have support?

[confusedhubby]

Yes my family has been supportive. However it has not been easy. Thank goodness for this site. It's really helped me understand what's going on and how best to cope.

[Peterpan]

Hi confused 

You are spot on with this idealizing time and actions, you are also right in that it is very hurtful.

After having months of total denials form my PWBPD that he  had 'anything to do with her' the most hurtful times were when he would sit with me looking at me, profess his deep love and sinceretity to me, and then his whole body language would change,and he would take on her WHOLE mannerisms... . her tilt of the head, her smile and even hold her hands out to me the way I saw her doing. It was like being sat in front of her!

It really did hurt... . I knew just from that, that he had at least been 'studying' her, he also repeated sentences to me that I had heard from her, identical , word for word. Things she liked, places she liked and why.

He also has a habit of repeating sentences to me which I told him myself a while back, which is very frustrating.

Still mirroring me obviously, remembering things I said about myself and using them to keep me hooked?

What you said aout the 'thinking of someone else' during intimate times... . mine actually yelled her name out at the crucial moment with me,and when I questioned it, told me he was about to say something else!

Can't get much more hurtful than that.

On our next meeting I would hear all these things from him and just KNOW he had been with her.

[confusedhubby]

Hi peterpan.

Thanks for sharing.

Wow that sound pretty hurtful. The scars that it must have inflicted on you are hard to imagine.

The question I kept on asking myself when I witnessed her mirroring was whether she knew what she was doing or whether it was all subconscious. After studying my diagnosed BPD wife for a while I think it was a bit of both. I think at times when she mirrored her new BF's mannerisms she knew what she was doing and it made her feel empowered vis-a-vis myself and her demonizing me. It was like she was pretending he was her and she was slightly mocking me. Let's face it when they are demonizing you they want to harm you emotionally (though they are loathe to admit it). This is what makes them feel empowered enough to live the formally idealized partner to the new one. Other times however it was also apparent that the mirroring was not conscious at all. The strangest form of mirroring I found was in her texting. My wife use to write in such perfect grammar when she texted but after 2 weeks with this new BF she began to text in such rude ways, use symbols and all caps and so on... . and the subject matter was always raunchy jokes (something she never would do before). For example she would ask what are you having for dinner and I would reply fish. She would reply "I'll be ur FISH all night if U B my STEAK!" ... . it was amazing to witness this transformation.

BTW's if you are interested in this subject I have a related topic I am posting later on this afternoon on why we Non's hurt so much because of these actions.

[confusedhubby]

Hi Lonewolf. Thanks for the kind words. Your pwBPD sounds a lot like mine. very selfish, immature and uncaring of the hurt they caused. They are so self centered it's scary that we could every be so foolish as to have fallen in love with them.

[Peterpan]

Confused

Very interesting, mine had a special pet name for me, he used it in every single text... . (hello pet name) when he had his sights on someone else, he would drop it from my texts and just call me... . beautiful. It always felt very generic to me, impersonal, and odd after having obsessiveness from him fro so long, it's little things like that, the inconsitencies which raise red flags and feel 'off',intimate and personal one day... . just friendly the next?

He also copied  my grammar exactly for two years... . then out of the blue, I would get  abbreviations,,and almost dyslexic spellings,if I looked the social sites, I could actually see that he was mirroring HER way of writing/texting.

Then again, out of the blue... . started to write in younger text with LOL in every sentence and just letters and numbers... . NEVER used it before!

When I went on vacation his sentences were really personal and descriptive... . then a year later when SHE went on vacation... . I received exactly the same words... . as though it was me who was away and not her!

SOme of the unsual words came through in his predicted text,(obviously sent them to someone before texting me and his phone saved them)... . I knew then that he was saying the same things to her as he had me.

I spent months not knowing if I was being over paranoid about it all... . but NO... . I saved all those texts... . read them back when I had detached a little emotionally... . and I KNOW I hadn't imagined it.

Yes, very very hurtful... . and cruel.

In answer to your question... . I have read a blog from a self confessed sociopath and he says... . " I wanted to be like her... . I studied her... . likes, dislikes,everything about her,and then used it all to get closer to her, it is the nearest feeling I can explain to 'love'

Not saying that we are dealing with sociopaths... . but there are a lot of similar traits... . he admits he does it,,and therefore,,KNOWS he does it!

Take care.

[confusedhubby]

Hi Peterpan.

You are not the first to comment that this mirroring trait is also found in other serious disorders (such as sociopaths and schizophrenics). It is rooted in very low self esteem and what's been described as an empty inner self. My ex began to mimic the raunchy repulsive humor of her new lover Did not matter that she never had this trait before or that her actions were highly inappropriate. When I took the time to point out the inappropriateness of her humor and that people thought she was acting weird and she was getting unwanted attention... . she would just reply that it was others who were odd.


Let me give you an example of this. We would be out with children at playground with other parents. Our kids are D7 & D8. Out of nowhere my wife would make a joke about anal sex! Other parents would look at her like she's crazy! When I would ask her what the heck are you doing and others think your being inappropriate she would claim they were prudes.


The worst example of this however was her texting grammar. My wife is a Harvard grad and use to have near perfect grammar in her texts. She would pride herself on proper punctuation, capitalization, spelling etc. After one week with her new lover her texts began to reflect those of a high school dropout. Improper spelling, no punctuation, all caps for emphasis... . just like her boyfriends. I found this sudden transformation to be scary.

[Mutt]

issue of sexual awaking by there BPD after they have left the Non and entered into a new relationship. The general consensus seems to be that because the pwBPD is idealizing someone new they have a reawakening of there libido.

3 weeks after she left i had a face to face conversation with her and she said that she had no sexual tensions for me anymore and that I was like a brother to her. she explained it that because she was having sex with her friend (for months but denies affair) that they are boyfriend and girlfriend.

Then they are painted black and no sooner than they can they figure out what's going on the BPD has a new partner and changed completely.

Smear campaigned me and told everyone that I had denied her of sex for 2 years (yes we didn't have sex for that amount of time, ex spouse was detaching and I was regressing because of devaluation, sex or no sex I was committed) and that her friends thought I was interested in the same sex. Blow to my ego.

So she pretty well confirmed that she had no sexually tensions for me because of detachment yet projected it unto me that I had no interest for her sexually.


Such a roundabout way of figuring it out.

[confusedhubby]

The thing you have to remember when it comes to the sex in particular is that the pwBPD has so little self esteem / maturity that they are really no different than a child. Just like a child will do just about anything to impress there new friends, so too will the pwBPD. The same is true when it comes to making fun / hurting there old friends.

Imagine your ex as a child trying to impress a new friend. A child will do or say just about anything, especially if they have no self esteem and have a strong need to fit in. It does not matter to them that they have hurt you. Nor does the guilt of having misled you for 2 years sexually while she detached from you ever even come into her conscious. Just like a child it's all about her and her need for immediate need of fitting in.

Notice that in the above scenario it's all about them. Never about the other person. Just like a child  can only think of themselves so too does the pwBPD. For them the important thing is to start all over and catch the next fish so as to not feel abandoned and have a gay old time... .  never to look back at the destruction they have caused. In some ways this is a selfish form of self defense. They cannot feel any guilt or shame because they know if they do they will emotionally self implode due to there low self esteem. So they just don't think about the people they hurt and just latch onto top the new guy and give, give, give!

But remember that this new relationship is just temporary. The new guy will suffer the affects of her illness. I believe that ever new relationship ends quicker than the past one as the behavior of the pwBPD becomes more entrenched and she starts to see this type of pattern of interaction as more and more normal. Also it's been my personal observation that each new relationship with the new lover is far more intense than the last one and the lows far, far worse.  

[Mutt]

Also it's been my personal observation that each new relationship with the new lover is far more intense than the last one and the lows far, far worse.

The replacement is going to be in for roller-coaster ride. I have never come across someone else in my life with such vitriol and rancor. I'm just glad it's not me if it's worse. He was playing with fire in more ways that one when he jumped into an affair. I hope he learns his lesson.