Nearly Broken,
For so long now I have hoped that a magic wand will be waved and that everything would be OK with myself and expwBPD.The past few days have made me realise that the love I have for him will never be returned to me,he will never appreciate the effort I put into our relationship,he will always deliberately misunderstand me he will think it acceptable to levy abuse at me etc.
You aren't unique in having false hope and wanting to hold onto it for dear life. Many of us on here have felt this way about our ex's in spite of what's right in front of our eyes. Our hopes of having that love returned keep us holding onto a person who really doesn't have the capacity to reciprocally love us the way we desire. It takes time to accept that we fell in love with a mentally ill person but once it sinks in you will begin to depersonalize a lot of your ex's behavior towards you. My ex shattered my heart as well and his actions were very painful to accept but I now know that I was trying to rationalize with a person who is mentally ill. It's not misunderstandings as much as it's two people who live on two entirely different pages. And BPD is a lane that we will never fully understand.
I cannot lie to you all... .I still love him.
There is nothing wrong with loving our ex's but we cannot love them more than we love ourselves. It's self-sacrificing and cannot sustain itself. It hurts us in the long run. I loved my ex and probably always will but I love me too and I know I deserve to have joy and happiness. Abuse is not love. Abuse is pain that no human being deserves.
So, following his latest outburst I decided that I have to change the locks.This is being done today.I have not deleted his number yet (don't know why but I just can't) but I have taken down the pictures of us from around the house and packed the cards,gifts,letters etc into a box.Maybe in time I will be able to look at them but for the moment they need to be out of my sight.Too painful to have reminders.I have paid money into his account to cover the cost of looking after our dogs for three months and have booked a removal van to move his things into my flat.He can stay there as long as he wishes ( I know some of you will think :What? but this makes me feel less guilty about finally terminating).Tomorrow I will hire an agent to look after the flat so I do not have to deal with him directly.I have made an appointment at the bank to discuss our finances.I spoke to his parents yesterday... .we are very very close and they became surrogate parents to me.I told them that we had finally decided to split for good.They were upset and wanted to know the details why.My ex has not spoken to them for months... .they too have been on the receiving end of his depression.I suggested that we limit contact and not talk of him when we speak.I know he would go crazy if he thought he was being discussed.This is to protect them as well as myself.Poor things were so confused and upset.I have taken myself off FB.I have packed all of his stuff up and will divide our furniture fairly.
Do not take your actions lightly. You should be extremely proud of yourself having the strength to create boundaries and putting a lid on your ex's abuse tactics. I changed my locks and got a restraining order once things got out of control. My ex forced my hand and I make no apologies for protecting myself. Neither should you. It hurts to keep them out of our lives but we cannot make ourselves their whipping post or doormat and we deserve to honor our right to respect ourselves.
I guess it's the realisation that I don't have the happy secure relationship that all of my friends have.I don't have a man with whom I can disagree with secure in the knowledge that he won't overreact and punish me for it. I don't have a man who will love me and keep me safe. I have come to realise that my relationship was emotionally abusive.
This realization hurts but will save you a lot of pain in the long run because you are waking up from your denial and delusion. We all have had powerful dreams of being loved and rescued by the idealized love of our ex's only to have it blow up in our faces. But taking yourself off the roller coaster is one of the most powerful acts of self-love and protection you can gift yourself. Right now it may feel like you are losing by surrendering but you are gaining yourself back and that's the greatest gift of all. As for friends and their relationships it helps not to make assumptions of what's safe and secure in other people's lives. The honest truth is that you simply don't know.
I spent last night weeping over the past... .what we had and how great it was.
This is common. It will take time for your thoughts to subside but time is your best friend in this process.
How I adored him and thought he adored me.
I really believe that our ex's do love, care and adore us. But it has nothing to do with the fact that they're mentally ill and that they're BPD and other cormorbid thoughts are in control.
For so long now I have been keeping everything to myself about BPD. Some people and our families know he has GAD/depression. Noone knows about BPD. Apart from me noone has tried to tackle the issues with his mental health.I worry that people will think I have left him due to the GAD/depression and will think I am awful for doing so? I hate the thought of people thinking my actions are calculated to hurt him or that I walked away due to anything other than the effects his BPD have had on me.Do I tell people the truth?
I did this. I hid a lot of my ex's behavior away from my friends and family. It was my own denial and shame that motivated me to "protect" him and my belief that our issues could be ironed out with my love. I cared about what others thought because I was a people pleaser and other's people's opinions mattered to me because the thoughts of others was once my only source of validation.
You don't need to explain to anyone anything. You need to take care of you. Your ex's illness is HIS responsibility; not yours.
It is not my place to disclose the BPD dignosis but do I stay silent when people ask me why I have stopped contact/moved his stuff.His GAD and depression make him vulnerable and this is the side most people close to him have seen.His family seen to view me as his knight in shining armour. Do I say that it is his actions that caused me to leave?
More than likely his family is well aware of his chaotic behavior and have become comfortable with the idea of him being rescued and fixed by a "good woman." In truth no one can be a "knight in shining armor." That is a fantasy. Your reasons for leaving do not need defending and you don't owe his family an explanation.
His BPD has been "directed"only at me.He hides it so well from everyone else. If I do say what has happened people will struggle to believe some of it,if I do not say they will think I left because,well,I just got tired of dealing with GAD/depression.I have revealed some aspects to close friends and there response invariably includes " god, he seemed perfectly ok when I saw him".
Again. Those who are closest to BPD generally experience the wrath because BPD is an attachment and shame based disorder triggered by need, intimacy and vulnerability. What others believe is not as important as knowing the abuse you were experiencing at the hands of your ex. Why do you care so much about what others believe?
Spell
