how can I help my BPDD?

[heronbird]

To cut a long complex story short. Just over a year ago dd met bf, they had a rocky start and to be honest I didnt want her to be with him, he was a druggie and had a criminal record. He was homeless too.

After a few months they got married quickly, no one was invited and the registrar told him, now you are married you better start acting like a married man.

That was just from looking at him

Three months ago my dd had a baby, everything was ok for 3 weeks then all went wrong. She asked me if I could have the baby, she couldnt cope. I did. But new sil was not happy, not happy at all, he thought I was trying to take over, I couldnt buy any clothes for baby as a grandma would normally. He said as I was keeping the clothes he gave me, I was trying to take over.

Anyway, social services wanted me to have the baby but he refused to sign him over. So we made a deal, I have baby from 7.30 am to 7.30 pm while he went to work, he worked as a casual job for those hours, he would never ever take a day or an hour off.

So my dd was suffering in their home all day long on her own, no one helped her. She used to just cry all day and wish he would come home early.

She did end up in hospital but only for 2 weeks. It didnt help.

Two weeks ago, social services came over and told me that the baby was going to be signed over to me to live with us. My dd wanted this but her dh didnt. It was like he had an obsession with wanting the baby, he would do anything to keep him.

But social services said he is definitely not getting the baby, he hasnt proved himself and he cant have him.

Then dd got worse and ended up in hospital 10 days ago, her dh said he was divorcing her and he would chose baby over her anyday. He will give up work, keep the home, and divorce her.

We had meeting where I thought I was getting baby, I didnt get baby.

Now where would that leave dd?

I am asking this because one day, I hope she will get better and want to see baby, she will want her belongings from the home he now lives in.

We cant afford a solicitor, can we go to court on our own? where do we start?

Over all my dd had been with him for about 16 months, she had two crises and when she had the second one he kicked her out, he actually went to the hospital with the baby to tell her, he asked her where he should put her stuff, she started crying and he walked away    :'(

How can someone just turn so cold so easily.

[ForeverDad]

He can say what he wants but the key is that social services has stepped in - or has it?  Did they make a decision or a departmental conclusion that has to be vetted and confirmed/denied by a judge?  It seems to me that social services should stay in the position of monitor and/or watchdog during the divorce or custody process.  Now that divorce is commencing, don't let them back away, likely they're your best advocates, professionals trained in such issues.

It may make him seem an interested father by saying he'll quit working and care for his child but how would he support himself?  Really, him quitting work to parent isn't realistic or mature, especially considering his history.  And it's not like he could raise a family with child support from your daughter.

[heronbird]

Social services are involved, they have the baby on the "child in need" register.

True what you said about how can the dad manage on government support alone, he will never have enough money for the child, I offered to step in and have him but he refused, saying that he thought I was trying to steel his baby.

Its like he has an obsession with the baby. He has no friends or family to help him he is really alone.

Social services have been bad, they told me I would have the baby, it was definite they said. Then they changed it and just took the baby from us all of a sudden.

I just dont get how he can go from loving my dd to hating her so easily and quickly.

[ForeverDad]

I just don't get how he can go from loving my dd to hating her so easily and quickly.

That's typical black-or-white thinking, you're either idolized or demonized, often little or no gray in between.  How much that applies to him is hard to guess from a distance.

Your daughter sounds like someone who harms herself more than others?  If she was more the controlling, demanding type then I would wonder if he was taking a stand to protect himself from her, but I get the impression she's on the lower functioning end of the spectrum of behaviors.

As for understanding his behaviors, accept that he may have some shades of mental illness too.  Mental illness, by definition, doesn't make sense.  The experts can write books about it, categorize it, but it still is a bit of kilter.  So don't waste much energy trying to make sense of something that doesn't make sense, okay?

[heronbird]

Thank you forever,

Yes, thats good advice, why do I need to waste more time thinking about whats wrong with him.

Yes my dd would rather harm herself than anyone else, thats true.

I cant help thinking that if I knew what was wrong with him, it may help me to understand why he can just leave someone who he seemed to adore for over a year. It would also help me to understand why he cant try to be reasonable with me and let me have the baby some of the time.

I need to forget all that though dont I. Tannk you for reminding me of that