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Author Topic: Claiming she is pregnant after the break up  (Read 7119 times)
guardianxiii

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« on: September 14, 2013, 10:40:10 AM »

My uBPD-ex and I broke up 3 weeks ago tomorrow. The final straw in our relationship had been when, a week prior to breaking up, we had sex which started without a condom (about 60 seconds) then put a condom on. She had maintained for a long period that she was on birth control. After we were done, she asked me if I'd left any fluids in her, so to speak. I said I doubt it, and showed her the condom and said that she was on birth control anyway... .but I already knew what answer was coming. She said that she had taken herself off BC because she doesn't "want to gain weight." This freaked me out pretty good, and the next day I asked her to take the morning after pill. She went back and forth on this, and I stated several times that I wasn't trying to force her to do something she wasn't comfortable with. She ultimately says she will because she didn't want me to stress out over it. I recognized the odds of anything happening because of this either way were pretty slim, but I thanked her for putting my mind at ease.

I picked up the (72 hour) pill the next day and she came over to hang out. After a lot of waffling, she ends up deciding that she doesn't want to take the pill anymore, and gets mad that I went to buy it without her (... .what?). We argue a couple of times that week about the fact that she didn't tell me she was off birth control. Her argument was that because we weren't "officially dating" (we'd had some rough spells, go figure, but we were trying to figure it out) that I didn't have the right to know. I believe she is 100% right if what she is trying to say is that I don't have a right to TELL HER she needs to be on BC, I definitely think that I had the right to KNOW that she took herself off as our understanding had been for months that she was on it. She has never acknowledged even that my feelings about her not telling me about taking herself off BC could be viewed as deceitful (although my therapist questions whether or not she is even off BC, and if the whole line was a set up for something like this) or even concerning.

I ultimately realized that there was no way for me to trust her further after that. The next time I was able to see her in person, we broke up. Of course, the fact that I didn't do it immediately and tried to wait to do it in person was a huge problem, she felt led on, etc etc etc.

About a week and a half went back with minimal contact when she called wanting to talk about being friends. I told her that I wasn't comfortable with that right now. This conversation proceeds, admittedly civilly, for about an hour before she drops it on me that she hasn't had her period yet (when she wasn't getting her way about being friends). I ask her when she is supposed to have it, she says "today". I tell her that she's being paranoid, and we need to wait for some actual information about this non-late period before anyone can do anything.

A couple days later she texted me saying her car was in the shop and asked if I could give her a ride home. I was busy, said I couldn't help and hoped she found someone to give her a ride. I felt bad about that 2 days later so I called to ask about her car. She explains that situation and then says she still hasn't gotten her period. I asked her if she'd taken a test and she said no. I advised her that she should. That call ended civilly as well. Last night she called while I was out with friends, and sent a couple texts saying that "couldn't ignore this forever". I was at a show, so I couldn't respond, when we left I went home and went to sleep, and texted her ASAP this morning saying that I agreed, that she should stop at my apartment tonight and that I would have a HPT here so we could get an answer and start making decisions. She gets upset, saying I ignored her like a piece of ****, don't treat her like a person, saying she isn't going to take the test because she has an appointment next week and to leave her alone. Of course, she calls 5 minutes later.

The conversation consists of her saying that she is going to a doctor, and if she is pregnant she is going to take care of it "then and there", and says that my asking her to come to my apartment to take a test I bought is equivalent to calling her a liar. She alternately says I'm a really important person to her, or that I'm not reliable and treat her terribly.

I'd like to stress that I, personally, am as pro-choice as it gets. But I've been through an abortion with her, and that happened under eerily similar circumstances. She claimed pregnancy about a week after we had broken up, and didn't really allow me to be involved in anything, I was forced to take her word for it... .I never really stopped to question the legitimacy of the whole thing until now. I only saw a cell phone picture of the pregnancy test (she consistently delayed taking one and again, refused to take one that I would buy), and she wouldn't allow me to go to any of the appointments. I did the best I could to be there for her, but there was only so much I could do. She became the only person I felt comfortable talking to about the situation outside of my therapist, and ultimately we gave the relationship another chance. Anyway, after the first time I felt that if anything were to happen like that again (with anyone, not her), I was going to handle it differently and that I would want to go through with the pregnancy, which is something that she knows (and at one point not that long ago, she claimed to agree with). Of course, not my choice... .

So I tell her if she takes the test and it is positive, that I'd like to start planning and looking at how to handle things. She says there is nothing to handle, and that she is going to abort. I told her that I wanted to have the child, that I would be involved and be a good father. I don't think she was prepared for me to take that side of the argument. She says she doesn't want to pass a child around, and that I want to "ruin her life". Then she says that she is going to move, and am I going to move with her? She's moved a lot for work before ending up here, and had always said she really liked it here and wanted to stay. In the conversation about the car, she'd mentioned she was even interviewing for a new job in this area. I remind her of this, but she just says she had told me once she was thinking about moving. Jesus. She says that she just called last night to ask if I wanted to have drink (... .this didn't set in as really weird until after we hung up) and she didn't even want to talk about this.

I ultimately told her that if she is pregnant, and she keeps it, that I plan on being involved as a dad. Otherwise, I do not want to hear from her again and I do not want to be involved in the termination, if that's what's really happening. Naturally, she flipped out, said I'm a terrible person, and eventually hung up.

I'm of two minds about this whole thing, but I don't think it smells right. IF it is real, I still question whether or not I need to be involved in the abortion. I'll be honest, dealing with her for the next 18 years seems like a headache, but I'm confident with my therapy that I can deal with her and be an amazing father. Add in the fact that I really, really think she's playing me (and the smaller chance that the child wouldn't be mine, unfortunately I just don't know if I can trust her), and I don't see why I should allow her to continuing twisting me up.

Anyone have any thoughts?
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KateCat
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« Reply #1 on: September 14, 2013, 10:57:06 AM »

Guardian,

Having read many similar stories on this forum, I'm kind of curious as to the proof of the first pregnancy that your girlfriend offered.

www.dailydot.com/lifestyle/positive-pregnancy-tests-craigslist/
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eyvindr
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: NC
Posts: 900



« Reply #2 on: September 14, 2013, 11:02:46 AM »

Hi guardian,

Wow. That's a lot to process. First, I admire your willingness to step up to the plate. That said... .

I'm of two minds about this whole thing, but I don't think it smells right. IF it is real, I still question whether or not I need to be involved in the abortion. I'll be honest, dealing with her for the next 18 years seems like a headache, but I'm confident with my therapy that I can deal with her and be an amazing father. Add in the fact that I really, really think she's playing me (and the smaller chance that the child wouldn't be mine, unfortunately I just don't know if I can trust her), and I don't see why I should allow her to continuing twisting me up.

Anyone have any thoughts?

Thoughts? Just one -- given that you already have all of these concerns about your ex, and she's proven herself to be fairly manipulative -- why?

How about the idea of committing yourself to raising a child in a healthy, stable r-ship with a healthy partner?

At any rate, time will tell what's going on with the missed period. In the meantime, trust your gut, and seriously consider the ramifications of your choice.
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"Being deceived in effect takes away your right to make accurate life choices based on truth." -- waverider

"Don't try the impossible, as you're sure to become well and truly stuck and require recovery." -- Vintage Land Rover 4X4 driving instructional video
guardianxiii

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« Reply #3 on: September 14, 2013, 11:12:43 AM »

Hi guardian,

Wow. That's a lot to process. First, I admire your willingness to step up to the plate. That said... .

I'm of two minds about this whole thing, but I don't think it smells right. IF it is real, I still question whether or not I need to be involved in the abortion. I'll be honest, dealing with her for the next 18 years seems like a headache, but I'm confident with my therapy that I can deal with her and be an amazing father. Add in the fact that I really, really think she's playing me (and the smaller chance that the child wouldn't be mine, unfortunately I just don't know if I can trust her), and I don't see why I should allow her to continuing twisting me up.

Anyone have any thoughts?

Thoughts? Just one -- given that you already have all of these concerns about your ex, and she's proven herself to be fairly manipulative -- why?

How about the idea of committing yourself to raising a child in a healthy, stable r-ship with a healthy partner?

At any rate, time will tell what's going on with the missed period. In the meantime, trust your gut, and seriously consider the ramifications of your choice.

If I could ask for clarification, it sounds like you are asking why I would commit to raising a child with her? If not, please let me know.  Smiling (click to insert in post)

I absolutely want to raise a child with a healthy partner, in a healthy relationship. But I struggle with the idea of supporting an abortion again from a personal staNPDoint. That entire experience really woke up a lot of thing internally for me, and while I still fully support choice, I'm not sure that I feel that is what I want to do. Having said that, I won't leave my child without a father. Ultimately, I feel it is likely to be all for naught, as if it is real, she is not going to go through with it.

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guardianxiii

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« Reply #4 on: September 14, 2013, 11:22:57 AM »

Just to clarify a little further, in case I wasn't clear, I have no intention of re-entering a relationship with her. Was that more what the question was about?
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eyvindr
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« Reply #5 on: September 14, 2013, 12:00:04 PM »

Hi guardian --

Thanks for clarifying.

Just to clarify a little further, in case I wasn't clear, I have no intention of re-entering a relationship with her. Was that more what the question was about?

My bad -- I think I got lost in your story, and my response was coming from a place of imagining what it would be like to choose to have a child with this person, vs the possibility that she may be pregnant, and you choosing to honor your obligations as the biological father -- by being an actual parent to the child.

Sounds to me like you've got your head on straight, son.

As for Katecat's post -- holeeee sh!t! People are unbelievable!
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"Being deceived in effect takes away your right to make accurate life choices based on truth." -- waverider

"Don't try the impossible, as you're sure to become well and truly stuck and require recovery." -- Vintage Land Rover 4X4 driving instructional video
guardianxiii

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« Reply #6 on: September 14, 2013, 12:30:28 PM »

Hi guardian --

Thanks for clarifying.

Just to clarify a little further, in case I wasn't clear, I have no intention of re-entering a relationship with her. Was that more what the question was about?

My bad -- I think I got lost in your story, and my response was coming from a place of imagining what it would be like to choose to have a child with this person, vs the possibility that she may be pregnant, and you choosing to honor your obligations as the biological father -- by being an actual parent to the child.

Sounds to me like you've got your head on straight, son.

As for Katecat's post -- holeeee sh!t! People are unbelievable!

I guess I'm just struggling with not having enough information to determine the legitimacy of anything that's being said. It still feels fake, the script plays out too perfectly for her and it's a perfect continuing reason to re-engage. So is having the child, but saying she is going to abort gives her the out she needs since obviously if this isn't real, you can't conjure a baby. Meanwhile, part of me feels like a heel for declining to re-engage, as if she IS going through this, I'm leaving her alone but that's based on a decision she is making... .if she chose to keep the pregnancy, I've made it clear that I will be there for the child. Am I being fair? I'm not even sure why I'm questioning it, my view of the world has become a bit skewed in my time with my BPD.

And selling positive pregnancy tests? I'd really, really like to have a word with just one of those women. Someone, somewhere is suffering a lot at their hands (regardless of the outcome of my situation), they should know it.
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eyvindr
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« Reply #7 on: September 14, 2013, 12:50:21 PM »

Yeah -- pretty sure they'd call that entrapment. Hopefully, anyone faced with that kind of scenario would give themselves enough time to determine that the pregnancy claims were false. Can't fake a pregnancy for too long... .

I think you answer your own question, guardian --

Am I being fair? I'm not even sure why I'm questioning it, my view of the world has become a bit skewed in my time with my BPD.



Being with someone wBPD does skew our worldviews. It's called the F.O.G. -- this cloud of Fear, Obligation and Guilt that they cast over our reasoning.

Workshop - US: What it means to be in the “FOG”

Follow your gut. You're being not only fair, but rational.

Hang in there.

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"Being deceived in effect takes away your right to make accurate life choices based on truth." -- waverider

"Don't try the impossible, as you're sure to become well and truly stuck and require recovery." -- Vintage Land Rover 4X4 driving instructional video
guardianxiii

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« Reply #8 on: September 14, 2013, 02:28:41 PM »

Guardian,

Having read many similar stories on this forum, I'm kind of curious as to the proof of the first pregnancy that your girlfriend offered.

www.dailydot.com/lifestyle/positive-pregnancy-tests-craigslist/

I forgot to answer your question here, the only "proof" I ever got was that one cell phone picture of the test.
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Octoberfest
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« Reply #9 on: September 14, 2013, 03:05:30 PM »

Guardian,

Having read many similar stories on this forum, I'm kind of curious as to the proof of the first pregnancy that your girlfriend offered.

www.dailydot.com/lifestyle/positive-pregnancy-tests-craigslist/

I forgot to answer your question here, the only "proof" I ever got was that one cell phone picture of the test.

Guardian,

wow... .don't know what to say.  My BPDex surely lied about stuff to manipulate my emotions (lying about cheating of course, but moreso lying about being engaged after we split in order to get me down), but she never pulled anything being pregnant thankfully... .I would be a nervous wreck.   I guess what I have to say here is I think for how poor of a situation this is, it is as good as it could be.  Think if you were the one who did not want the child and she wanted to keep it, instead of the other way around.  It is good that you are prepared and even want to raise this child should she choose to have it.

It will be interesting to see how this plays out, but I get the inkling she is lying
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