Why is it so painful?

[Learning_curve74]

While I was reading simplyasiam's "are you still in love with your ex?" thread a realization came to me about why my breakup is/was so painful. It may be a bit of a oversimplification, but I realized this: I broke up with her before I fell out of love with her.

If our relationship had died that long slow death, then of course if it wasn't just a sigh of relief there could've been some pain at the breakup and afterwards, but it would be a dull ache maybe, not anything acute and painful like this. But I truly still felt that I loved her at the time that I broke up with her. I realized that I couldn't continue our unhealthy relationship, it was a road to nowhere, to annihilation of my self. It is painful to love somebody you want but can't be with.

It's been about 6 weeks now and 5 weeks of NC, and while I still care about her well-being, my love for her has definitely waned some. I still get hit by a wave of sadness at least once a day, but it doesn't seem to last as long.

[Ironmanrises]

Why is it so painful?

For me... .its the 2 rounds of the relationship... .

with the subsequent devaluation... .

And the 2 discards... .

Added together.

A giant mountain of pain.

I am at 2 months NC.

A person i honestly tried to get to know... .

Only to realize that she doesnt even know who she is.

And that... .

Has had dire consequences on me.

[blurry]

 Was thinking back to our second breakup, Ironman you mention you've been through two, you know I'm on 7 now I think, and thinking back, and I can remember the second one clearly. You know I'm as devastated and stunned this time as I was the second. Like a kid that puts his hand on a hot iron 100 times and still gets surprised every time... .how insane is that?

Funny too, because I never considered myself naive or stupid, but I must be both. I think the pain comes from lots of things, for me its from not seeing her, from the horrible things she said and did to hurt me, from the things I said to her, from losing a dream, and from losing period, I guess, like I failed at something that I believed in or wanted to make work, or hoped would work.

[myself]

It's like we sat down to a meal we helped prepare, but got poisoned by it and now have to get it through our systems. To be healthier, and able to share better meals.  

When we have experiences we didn't think we were ready for, such as not being with someone we're still in love with, it's like a nail driven that much further into the wood. That feeling of constriction is us doing that to ourselves, with self doubt, holding ourselves back. Expanding is where it's at. Allowing ourselves to grow. That means MORE space, MORE info, MORE action. It's not only the mirror, it's the Life.

It hurts because we didn't think we'd have to try so hard to meet our expectations.

[Ironmanrises]

Was thinking back to our second breakup, Ironman you mention you've been through two, you know I'm on 7 now I think, and thinking back, and I can remember the second one clearly. You know I'm as devastated and stunned this time as I was the second. Like a kid that puts his hand on a hot iron 100 times and still gets surprised every time... .how insane is that?

Funny too, because I never considered myself naive or stupid, but I must be both. I think the pain comes from lots of things, for me its from not seeing her, from the horrible things she said and did to hurt me, from the things I said to her, from losing a dream, and from losing period, I guess, like I failed at something that I believed in or wanted to make work, or hoped would work.

That.

In bold.

7... .

I dont even want to imagine how much pain that must be.

My neurological processors stopped recording the pain as it went through the roof.

Stay strong.

[BradyK]

I think this breakup was more painful than any other because I compromised my own integrity for so long by trying to make that sick relationship work.

Other relationships -- longer, deeper, better relationships -- I was able to recover from and move on in a much shorter time. The grief was clean.

This one was so complicated and incomprehensible and guilt-ridden and crazy and fraught with chaos. I did not listen to myself or honor myself. I stayed and tried too hard for too long and tolerated too much destructive nonsense, and sacrificed too much of my own self esteem in the process.

HArd to recover from that. And yes, I did really love him. But that is not why it was so painful.

[eeyore]

I believe for me it has to do with trauma bonds.  Much like Stockholm syndrome. 

[Take2]

I believe for me it has to do with trauma bonds.  Much like Stockholm syndrome. 

Totally agree here.  That I continue to feel so much for someone who has been so wildly abusive to me continues to blow my mind - even understanding these bonds still doesn't seem to make it easier to break them.

[Just Stumbling Along]

I have a little different take on this.

For me, at the beginning of the relationship; the "character" that she created and presented to me was so close to the person that I wanted to be with and she was so sincere and convincing that I came to completely believe that that character was the real her, her "true self".  Later when all of the things that I knew about (didn't know about the cheating, deceit, and lies) started happening; there was always something to blame it on.  She would claim PMS, she doesn't handle stress, she is too emotional, whatever.  Other times she would act "normal" esp. around others, and she would sometimes bring the "character" back out.  All of this reinforced that the "true her" was who I thought she was, but there was all of this other stuff that made no sense if that was her.  Very disorienting.

Switch to other relationships.

The person that I was in a relationship with and eventually broke up with was the same person that I began dating.  Her behavior, beliefs, etc. were consistent with her personality.  After the relationship ended, I could look back and see that she acted like this and I did that; She believed this and I believed that.  Our differences were about values or normative behavior and I could look back and see that we both tried and the relationship didn't work for these reasons.

At the end of the BPD relationship, all was confusion.  What was real, what was not.  Why did she act so different than the "character" that I knew was "real".  And always there was the "carrot" of the wonderful person that I fell in love with. 

Just like the relationship was not normal, the end is not normal.  And there is nothing to process to find closure.

In the end, we (non's) spend lots of time searching and questioning, looking for answers about what happened and why; but all we find are more questions and confusion. 

[bpdspell]

Why was it so painful for me?

Because cutting my ex out of my life felt like burying my mom and dad. My BPD ex was an emotional replica of both of my toxic parents and it's why I feel so deeply in love with him. Accepting that I could not "fix" mommy and daddy through my ex was devastating.

Having to end my relationship was like burying the hatch with permanency and learning how to say goodbye and making peace with what is was never my strong suit. It is a strength that I am working on everyday and building it like a muscle.

Spell

[saw_tooth]

I was recycled twice post which he did not meet me or initiate contact and kept hanging for 8 months before I was told

-It was never a relationship,I never felt anything for you.

-Don't ever touch me because it is wrong for me now that I am not a kid.

-I never wanted to come close.

-Don't care about me.

In the 8 months I had exercised every inch of patience and had continued to take care of him even though we were apart.I was 'devalued' and 'painted black' because I got 'too emotional' and we had come 'too close'.

My love got trampled over because his BPD does not allow him to tolerate 'sustained closeness'.This was the most painful thing to come to terms with.

[saw_tooth]

I think this breakup was more painful than any other because I compromised my own integrity for so long by trying to make that sick relationship work.

I did not listen to myself or honor myself. I stayed and tried too hard for too long and tolerated too much destructive nonsense, and sacrificed too much of my own self esteem in the process.

1+.

[HarmKrakow]

Not to attack anyone here, but I hope you guys can read the same opinion in every post in this thread. It can be described in a few sentences. Of course everyone has their own view on why it hurts but everyone's post here can be summarized in a few sentences here which would count for everyone.

[charred]

So why it is so painful;

When you get in a relationship with a person with BPD... it starts out with them idealizing you, giving you so much apparent unconditional love that it can be overwhelming... and if your a bit on the needy side from your upbringing (like distant parents, some abuse, a generally fearful outlook on life)... the intensity of the attachment you get for the person with BPD... is like a primary attachment, the kind a person has for their mother for instance. Then when they get clingy... it just seems like non-sense as you can't imagine leaving them... then they typically either leave you or turn hateful... either one is tough to handle, you stay and take the abuse and are miserable and hope for things to go back like they were at first... .  but they never do. Or the most painful one, is the pwBPD... just gives you a curt "we are done" or something to that effect, and leaves without explanation. Anyone else you dated doing that, might hurt a little but it wouldn't make you obsess... however because of the intense needy attachment... that makes them like the wonderful parent you never had... .  being dumped is like losing a parent... it shakes your world, and pushes everything else out of your mind.

You question what you did wrong, wonder about how they could love everything you loved and how they could tell you that you were the soulmate they always longed for, then abruptly dump you.

Well... BPD is a disorder, they are not fully developed emotionally... .  (or as I prefer to see it... .  they are "half baked"... they have a deep seated fear of abandonment, and typically very intense emotions, and ... .  one of the parts that isn't developed is empathy... .  so what happens is;

They meet you, and want to be close to you intensely... so they take an intense interest in everything you are interested in, they spend as much time with you as they can, they are highly complimentary, and do what is called mirroring, which is acting like you... .  and they ignore most the boundaries you have that keep other people away... .  so after a period of time (and typically lots of sex with someone that seems to love it more than you do... ) you find yourself falling for them... however in reality... very little time has gone bye, certainly not enough to build a genuine relation... but that is not what they do, its all about you, intense and flattering. Till you are good and hooked.

Then they relax a bit, you get comfortable with things, maybe even start to take them for granted... but all the things they said they liked (that you do)... and all that they said they felt... was not really what they liked/felt... and while they were really wrapped up in you... .  they start to have doubts, to express dislike, and start seeing your flaws... which can make you withdraw a bit... which make them fear you will leave them... and gets them in to the clingy/pathetic/needy phase... you argue now some, and try to make up, but they seem really needy. At some point they quit seeing you as wonderful, do a 180, and decide you are the problem, you are terrible, you are so bad that anything they say/do is justifiable, since you are so terrible... .  and that is when they become the hater... or if they have someone else lined up... they drop you abruptly without it seeming to trouble them all that much.

That is the typical bad BPD r/s from what I have seen/experienced.  The pain is great, you think they are wonderful, moral, sweet, perfect in many ways... .  and that comes from them mirroring your good side... the clingy/needy times... are more honestly the BPD person's real personality... and I think the hater is the true personality... damaged to the point of being mean as any junk yard dog.  The official view is that the BPD people don't have a core self... they were half baked enough not to develop a sense of self... and so they change like a chameleon to act like whoever they are around.

The only thing that explains the obsession/pain/longing... to me is the mistaking their love for the love of the parent you never had and giving them the reaction a perfectly unconditional loving parent would deserve... then having the rug pulled out from you... so it seems like you lost what you love most... and need horribly. Heard other explanations... .  went through all this with my pwBPD... in 1983-84... then about 4 yrs ago she came back in to my life thanks to FB... and prompted a divorce, and then set about destroying my career and life... .  until I ended it about 6 mos ago (after about 7 recycles)... so... I thought I was long done with her... and I have dated maybe 25 gals... many didn't end well, but only one devastated me... and only one... after over 25 yrs STILL had the effect on me... and no normal relationship is like that... .  but if you lost a parent and then got them back 25 yrs later, you would still have intense feelings... .  so that is my explanation.

You can learn all about why it happened, what BPD is, why they are like they are... and then you still will hurt... because they filled some deep need you had... they filled it with baloney... but they filled it, and to be over them, and the deep need... you probably will need some professional help... and often the damage from them and your FOO (family of origin)... is enough to require trauma work... like they do for PTSD for soldiers... yeah, its that intense.

[fromheeltoheal]

I've been NC for over a year, and today I say the pain came from the realization that I fell in love with a fiction, and the fact that I was in a relationship with a mentally disordered person, one who's personality made it imperative to attach to my psyche at the deepest level, to allow her to feel whole, not to connect and be in love.

But having detached I now consider her a blessing.  If we have a weakness a BPD will find it, and it's a great way to test how we're doing in the world, not that we were signing up for a test, but the experience still works as one.  She uncovered areas where I still have plenty of work to do, I've done and am doing that work, and I'm better for it.  I don't ever see myself getting sucked into psycholand again, more mentally healthy folks are benefiting from the revised me, and I can honestly say life is better now than it was before I met her.  What was good about your experiences?

[Ironmanrises]

Not to attack anyone here, but I hope you guys can read the same opinion in every post in this thread. It can be described in a few sentences. Of course everyone has their own view on why it hurts but everyone's post here can be summarized in a few sentences here which would count for everyone.

In bold.

Similar opinions cause we were all in relationships with someone with BPD.

Just the flavor seems to vary here and there.

But the one mainstay proviso we all knowingly/unknowingly signed up for... .

You will be hurt at the end.

[Deleted]

learning_curve,

I broke up with her before I fell out of love with her.

If our relationship had died that long slow death, then of course if it wasn't just a sigh of relief there could've been some pain at the breakup and afterwards, but it would be a dull ache maybe, not anything acute and painful like this. But I truly still felt that I loved her at the time that I broke up with her. I realized that I couldn't continue our unhealthy relationship, it was a road to nowhere, to annihilation of my self. It is painful to love somebody you want but can't be with.

It's been about 6 weeks now and 5 weeks of NC, and while I still care about her well-being, my love for her has definitely waned some. I still get hit by a wave of sadness at least once a day, but it doesn't seem to last as long.

Very powerful words. I too left my BPDex this way. I was numb, tired, depressed, drained in all aspects of my life. I'm not afraid to say that I was traumatized. I did not welcome the ending of the relationship with a sigh of relief but rather with a cold chill of "how the f**k am I going to get over this" "will I be the same man as before?" "what if she gets better"?

I left a year and half ago. I can tell you this, my BPDex was a victim of sexual abuse and for that sole reason I let so much slide. She passively put her 'happiness' onto me. When I left I felt as if I just pulled the plug on a coma victim. She was beautiful, we were intimate (I NOW realize that I was intimate, I was invested. She was not.. 

In time, and I can truthfully say this will happen, you will begin to accept it. We loved them, they DID NOT love us the way we thought they did. I fell in love with what I thought she could of been in my mind. Letting go of the BPDex that lived in my mind was the hardest thing to do to date. Laying in bed thinking about how she could of been had she not had BPD really messes you up. From my experience, it will take time to get over this and maybe you have, in your mind, created your BPDex without BPD, who is loving, stable, and capable of having a true relationship.

It is painful to love somebody you want but can't be with.

I hope I am not being too dismissive but- Please think about this when those waves of sadness hit you and you stay stuck on her.

1. Figure out why you stayed, what made YOU think it was OK?

2. Imagine your life with her now? or in 5-10 years? How will you look? will you have lost weight from stress? suffered from PTSD? Irritable bowel syndrome? Gained weight from depression?

3. What aspects of your life will have been greatly affected had you stayed?

4. Staying with her would ROB you from ever meeting you ACTUAL love of your life.

5. Will you have any peace of mind?

6. It's a beautiful day outside, lovely weather, Life and it's beautiful energy is flowing all around you, would you even notice? or will you be sulking because of her?

I know your pain. I was in that same boat for almost a year until I couldn't live in that mental jail. Feel your emotions and sit down and have a cup of tea with them. In time you will feel better. You did the right thing.     Don't ever doubt it.

I loved her and I would of taken a bullet for her without hesitation. I would of given her any organ she needed, my love was unselfish. I got shlt in return. Save your love for someone who truly deserves it.

[Take2]

Deleted... .for some reason your response to learning curve is very helpful to me... .I do have the hardest time letting go of the idea that the appearance of an awesome guy is just not who my ex is... .  I see him start mirroring whoever it is that he must now be hanging out with and he is back to giving off the appearance of a great guy at work (we work in close proximity) - it kills me.  It makes me constantly wonder "is he better?  was it me just causing him to react?" - despite the intense horrible emotional abuse he has put me through... .   

I hope it's helpful to Learning Curve too... .  the pain is just indescribable at times... .  I'll sit down to tea with it (that cracked me up btw)... .  and hope it leaves me soon.

Thanks!

[charred]

learning_curve,

Feel your emotions and sit down and have a cup of tea with them. In time you will feel better. You did the right thing.     Don't ever doubt it.

I loved her and I would of taken a bullet for her without hesitation. I would of given her any organ she needed, my love was unselfish. I got shlt in return. Save your love for someone who truly deserves it.

Deleted,

You nailed it. For years I ran from feelings, kept distance from people and my pwBPD ignored my distancing, broke my boundaries and inflicted a world of hurt on me. Clearly she wasn't deserving of the position I gave her in my life. Didn't plan it, but ended up feeling the emotions... perhaps having a cup of tea with them... and in time working through them was the way to feeling better.

Excellent Post

[Deleted]

Charred&take2,

I'm not proud to say this but for about 6 months after the breakup, I would fixate on the relationship and picture in my head her without BPD. How it would of been waking up to her and having a fight free week. Truth be told, that's probably the most toxic sh1t I ever did to myself, besides prolong my stay with her. Life is tough sometimes and we can't have them and it sucks. But what's worse is continuing The relationship. For a few months I had IBS, insomnia, teeth grinding, stress, weight loss, etc. until I "acclimated" myself to the relationship. *sigh* only 8 months can cause that much devastation. But never fear, in time you'll get better and in one way shape or form they provide us with a template on how NOT to build a relationship. They gave you a 'gift' per se, it's up to you to realize that.