Returning of personal items, a question.

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Has your exBPDgf/bf returned any personal items such as clothing, etc after the relationship?


In my horrific last few days in my exUBPDgf house... .

I forgot some clothing, an expensive pair of shoes, and an expensive cologne.

She has not bothered to return any of it at all since she left me.

I will not break my NC to try and retrieve them.

I just hate the fact that i will have to replace all of the above.

It isnt fair.

[Ironmanrises]

Has your exBPDgf/bf returned any personal items such as clothing, etc after the relationship?


In my horrific last few days in my exUBPDgf house... .

I forgot some clothing, an expensive pair of shoes, and an expensive cologne.

She has not bothered to return any of it at all since she left me.

I will not break my NC to try and retrieve them.

I just hate the fact that i will have to replace all of the above.

It isnt fair.

[Phoenix.Rising]

  Ironmanfalls,

My theory is sometimes it is better to let the material things go, if necessary.  Best to you.

[Eric1]

I'd leave the stuff, forget about it.

My ex still has my favourite dvd boxset, some bedding, and other little bits.

It's all gone to me. Don't expect or want it back.

About the cologne. I used to wear a certain brand because i loved it, but she loved it also. I bought new cologne. New scent, new me.

[LetItBe]

My theory is the same as Phoenix's if you're NC.  I know it stinks, but it's better to protect your still-healing self.  

To answer your question, I asked my BPDxbf during our first breakup to return my things to a neutral person, and he did. He still continued to contact me by mail, but it wasn't to return my stuff, since that had already been done.  I wish I'd have never taken the bait and gone back for Round 2.

[turtle]

Ironman --

I know having to replace things is a pain and it ISN'T fair, but the cost of those items is way less than the cost of your integrity, your self esteem, and your sanity.

Crazyx owes me A LOT of money.  I'll never see it. Gave up on that YEARS ago.  It's not fair and I've struggled because of the loss of that money.  In the end, it was a big price to pay for such a lesson, but I have written it off to being "schooled."

turtle

[GlennT]

 By clinging onto your things she is clinging onto you. Some may think that by getting their things back, they will be severing the connection they once had. But, they aren't wired like normal people, that would be closure, and they cannot tolerate that.

[Hazelrah]

As we were/are married, all my personal belongings are right where they, ummm, belong.  However, one unsettling ongoing issue I'm having is having her return a garage door opener and the keys to my home (she moved out some 2.5 months ago, and I see no reason for her to hold onto these items).  I have asked multiple times for them to be returned, to no avail.  Of course I can have the locks changed, but I don't necessarily fear she will do anything untoward.  Rather, I am simply baffled why she continues to hold onto these things when she's had ample opportunity to return them.

[babyducks]

For what its worth, the things I had abandoned turned up again, very unexpectedly, at my door step.   She used them as a tool to get in touch with me, and a weapon to hurt my feelings.   Just saying.

[Ironmanrises]

To all,

Valid responses.

[willbegood]

I'm having the opposite problem. She has a bunch of stuff at my place, she lived here for a short while. She's been by a few times now. Each time claiming this is it. I'm coming to get all of my stuff and what I don't take you can throw away. Then she grabs a few things and says she'll be back for the rest.

I finally took a truck load of stuff to her place and she said she'd call the cops if I brought anything else. LOL!

Now she claims she's coming tomorrow to get her stuff and what she doesn't take I can throw away again.

The stuff she has left here is really minor stuff that has no sentimental value and no real use. I told her the other day I had a piece of pocket lint I left at her house and would be by to pick it up at some point.

[Ironmanrises]

It just pisses me off that she couldn't just mail me the stuff back right after she left me for the second time.

The lack of respect towards me in that regards too.

Now basically I will either get a re-engagement attempt with my stuff as "an excuse to contact me"... .

Or I will never see my stuff again with the off chance she just threw my stuff in the garbage.

Both possibilities are awful.

Literally.

And if she doesn't throw my stuff out and won't return it... .

What will she do with a few button down shirts, expensive loafers, and expensive cologne for men and my pjs?

[eeyore]

Now she claims she's coming tomorrow to get her stuff and what she doesn't take I can throw away again.

The stuff she has left here is really minor stuff that has no sentimental value and no real use.

So make sure ALL her stuff is together and help her get it ALL in her car.  Then you are done. 

[GreenMango]

There are replaceable things and irreplaceable things.

How you doing without those things?  Can you live without them?  Or is the possibility of getting them back kind of like a string that keeps you connected to her?

Sometimes we need to question our motivations too.

[Ironmanrises]

Green,

I shouldn't have to replace those things.

It would have took her all of 5-10minutes to pack my few things in a box and taken them to a post office the same day she left me.

Just angry.

And no, I don't want any kind of connection to her.

I am maintaining my NC.

[GreenMango]

We shouldn't have to do a lot things... .ya feel me here?

There's no accounting for taste ... .Or manners with some people.

Let's put aside the moral point of returning stiff because its good manners, my guess is that went out the window a loong time ago.

Don't you deserve a nice new pair of shoes? New jammies? And cologne?  Stuff that doesn't have the residue of her all over it?

I think you do.  

[Ironmanrises]

I guess the lack of respect for even a small modicum of decency from her... .

Just irks me.

Makes me angry.

Your questions are valid.

No disputing any of that.

My anger about all of this is starting to replace my sadness.

[GreenMango]

I'll tell you what others told me.  You can be angry, upset, hurt ... .All of it.

It's okay.  It will be okay.  It's not about the stuff right?  It's the point. 

We've all been there.

[Ironmanrises]

I'll tell you what others told me.  You can be angry, upset, hurt ... .All of it.

It's okay.  It will be okay.  It's not about the stuff right?  It's the point. 

We've all been there.

In bold... .That.

[eeyore]

I'll tell you what others told me.  You can be angry, upset, hurt ... .All of it.

It's okay.  It will be okay.  It's not about the stuff right?  It's the point. 

Nobody ever said that to me.  I wish I had seen it before today.  I absolutely agree.  Thank you very much for sharing. 

[Aussie0zborn]

And if she doesn't throw my stuff out and won't return it... .  What will she do with a few button down shirts, expensive loafers, and expensive cologne for men and my pjs?

She will probably wear them. If she uses them in a recycle attempt you can always tell her  you've bought new ones. New ones that are much better than the old ones. 

Mine would always wear my pyjamas when I was out of town. Never ever wore pyjamas in her life except for when I was away. She said she just needed to have a part of me.

[willbegood]

So make sure ALL her stuff is together and help her get it ALL in her car.  Then you are done. 

That's not how she operates. When she has to do something like this she gets herself worked up so that she's extremely pissed off and ready for any confrontation by way of fighting. She had to get drunk and cause a fight with her landlord just to tell him she was moving out of her apartment. 

[eeyore]

Mine would always wear my pyjamas when I was out of town. Never ever wore pyjamas in her life except for when I was away. She said she just needed to have a part of me.

Or she was feeding you a line of bull to make you think she really had this deep connection to you.  

[eeyore]

So make sure ALL her stuff is together and help her get it ALL in her car.  Then you are done. 

That's not how she operates. When she has to do something like this she gets herself worked up so that she's extremely pissed off and ready for any confrontation by way of fighting. She had to get drunk and cause a fight with her landlord just to tell him she was moving out of her apartment. 

Then gather her stuff and leave it at the front door.  Don't engage in the confrontation.  You said it wasn't that much stuff. 

[willbegood]

Then gather her stuff and leave it at the front door.  Don't engage in the confrontation.  You said it wasn't that much stuff. 

I have to work. Everything's in the shed waiting for her. Quite frankly I don't want to see her and certainly don't need to deal with her crazy attitude just so she can get some flower pots and a mixer.

[Ironmanrises]

And if she doesn't throw my stuff out and won't return it... .  What will she do with a few button down shirts, expensive loafers, and expensive cologne for men and my pjs?

She will probably wear them. If she uses them in a recycle attempt you can always tell her  you've bought new ones. New ones that are much better than the old ones. 

Mine would always wear my pyjamas when I was out of town. Never ever wore pyjamas in her life except for when I was away. She said she just needed to have a part of me.

In bold.

Almost like a trophy then.

[Phoenix.Rising]

Ironmanfalls,

I agree with others that it is ok and natural to be angry.  That is part of the healing process.  Be angry.  Hang it there.

[OTB]

By clinging onto your things she is clinging onto you. Some may think that by getting their things back, they will be severing the connection they once had. But, they aren't wired like normal people, that would be closure, and they cannot tolerate that.

I just posted the same topic of getting my stuff back (I guess I should have read what I was missing while I was gone).  I have written my stuff off, but thank you Glenn for explaining the need for them to keep it.  She returned one of the items but is holding onto the rest and it didn't make sense, but I guess none of it makes sense. 

[Waifed]

I gave her back all four items she gave me during our 3+ year r/s. I told her the only thing I wanted back was the vibrator she said she never used. I'm sure she uses it for nightly online sex shows!

[myself]

It would have took her all of 5-10minutes to pack my few things in a box and taken them to a post office the same day she left me.

It would also have taken her only 5-10 minutes to make a call, set up a therapy appointment, and really begin working on her problems. I don't know your whole story, but am guessing that she didn't do that either.

When people (myself included) are in an agitated state like leaving someone, we don't always do everything we should or could to be there for someone else and do the proper things. Especially when that someone is the one we're leaving, and are so agitated about. Add in the constancy of the BPD push and pull, which includes personal items and how they're interacted with, and this goes on until someone just lets go (Changes).

It sucks that it has to be you this time, but I agree, along with getting new cologne and whatever, you'll find more peace. Anger is a part of grieving, and while missing those items, you are missing her, the relationship, and the possibilities. You're missing who You USED to be. The past has passed. Perhaps a new mirror is also in store, so you can see who you are NOW. New duds, new Iron Man suit, right? New You.

[Ironmanrises]

Myself,

I was applying logic... .

To an illogical disorder.

I have to remember... .

That she does not process things... .

In the way I do.

I am working on that new Ironman suit.