I just don't know...I don't understand

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

ok

I know the answer isn't in the bottom of the bottle... but I've tried to find it

But why did I go through this for 11 yrs including 7 of marriage

I just don't know... .I don't understand

I'm now officially moderately/severely depressed with mild anxiety... .and lost jobs, friends, and now gonna have to sell the house and start all over again

and I'm going through with the split

but I can't see the wood for the trees and the sign that all will be well in the future and this was all for a good reason

I know i've been drinking... .i'm just very low

[desperatehubby]

ok

I know the answer isn't in the bottom of the bottle... but I've tried to find it

But why did I go through this for 11 yrs including 7 of marriage

I just don't know... .I don't understand

I'm now officially moderately/severely depressed with mild anxiety... .and lost jobs, friends, and now gonna have to sell the house and start all over again

and I'm going through with the split

but I can't see the wood for the trees and the sign that all will be well in the future and this was all for a good reason

I know i've been drinking... .i'm just very low

[confusedhubby]

Hi DepseperateHuby.

Sorry to hear of your experience.

I too was married to a diagnosed BPD wife. We are in the midst of divorce and I too am looking to having to start all over.

The reason you put up with it as long as you did is the same as all of the rest of us her... .we are all human and were manipulated used by our pwBPD.

Don't beat up on yourself. It's not about you. Its about your wife. You did not create her disorder. You cannot cure it. And you cannot control it.

Generally the longer you are with a pwBPD the harder the break-up is. There are people on these boards who only went out with there BPD S.O. for 6 months and were devastated after the break-up. Now imagine what 14 years of marriage will do (as was my case). Or 11 years as was yours.

Stay strong and try not to drink. It does not solve your problem but only creates new ones to deal with.

[desperatehubby]

thank you confusedhubbyofBPDw

I know I shouldn't drink to find the answer... .I don't know, just my longest ever relationship and just... .well you know

I feel for you with 14 years of marriage... .i'm just at a rock bottom spell... .i should of gone years ago and maybe i'd be happy now... .maybe not

life is sent to test us, and i gave the test the best i could

[Want2know]

but I can't see the wood for the trees and the sign that all will be well in the future and this was all for a good reason

I know i've been drinking... .i'm just very low

 I don't know if this will make you feel any better, but I hope that it will at least make you see that there is hope.

Without going into my whole life story, I was married for 12 years to a very angry man, then was in my r/s with my NPDbf for 4 years, which finally all ended in February 2012.  You talk about the future, so fast forward to September 2013, 1 and a half years or so later.

I finally came to the realization through therapy and the support of this site, that I needed to change my life.  Big change came about.  I quit my solid job of 5 years, decided to move from PA to TX (I know no one in the city I live), and start over.  

I'm not saying that this is the route to take.  I laid on my bed that I drug from my bedroom to my living room for a good 5 months, being what I now know to be severely depressed after what I had been through.  I took a LOA from my job, and went through a spiritual awakening, and finally made a big decision that I believe saved my life.  Not my physical life (although there is probably some of that mixed in there), but my authentic life.

It hasn't been easy, and still isn't, but I do see the 'the wood for the trees'.  

Where you are now, is exactly where you need to be.  The fact that you are here, and being vulnerable enough to share your feeling tells me that you will get there.  Keep talking it out with us.  

[fromheeltoheal]

Hi desperate, sorry man, I've been there.  I did my share of drinking for a while, I wasn't looking for answers I was looking for numbness, and I found it.  Not worth it long term, and can create problems of it's own, but it did work in the short term.  I'm only typing to suggest you don't make yourself wrong for it, your motivation to drink is clear, and for me it ran it's course, I got very, very angry for a while, and then sad and depressed, and lately things have been looking up, way up.  It's a process, so enjoy a drink if you feel like it, remembering there are no answers there.

[confusedhubby]

@Wanttoknow.

Thanks for sharing. Very inspirational!

[imstronghere2]

Hey man.  I'm not saying any more than anyone else has already said.  I did 22 years with mine, 19 of those married.  I drank myself into oblivion the first 6 months after she left us, easy.  Seemed like every damn day.  She just up and left and now I'm finishing raising my 13 year old (11 when she left) son on my own and trying to get my daughter through college.  I don't have any family other than them really so it's kinda tough but then, when the exwBPD was here I was still a single parent for the most part.  Now I'm coming up on 2 years from the day of the divorce and I think I'm finally getting my drinking back under control.  The drinking helps to make you numb for the longest time but by the time you're finally coming back in to that man you were before you got tangled up with your exwBPD, the drinking is a problem all it's own.  I can wish I hadn't but it sure helped me reduce the pain.   For me I don't believe that pain will fully be gone for good.  It pops up late at night when I'm alone sometimes but I can deal with that.  I don't need to medicate myself with alcohol anymore and some day, hopefully you'll be there too.  Good luck my friend.  We're all pulling for you.

imstronghere2

[willbegood]

desperatehubby, I'm trying to find the answers in the bottle also! 

My thought today is my exBPD is a drug. Just like alcohol. She makes me feel soo good but the hangover lasts soo much longer than alcohol and hurts so much more. We know they're not good for us and will make us feel miserable but we keep going back.

We're addicted. Like any drug it will take a toll on our life. Depressed, anxiety, job performance... .

[blurry]

I've been struggling with alcohol off and on my whole life, but since the pwBPD entered my life its been mostly sobriety while were together and 3 or 4 of the nastiest, borderline deadly binges, lasting for a week or two, following a few of our breakups the past year. Looking back, its a miracle I didn't die somehow during them. But fortunately, I come out of it and sober up every time. Plus a few times while we were together, and drinking, the resentment came out of me in ways I didn't expect. So I know the drinking has to stop in times like these.

Too many of us are facing all kinds of ruin in the wake of these relationships to add drinking on top of it can be too much. Needless to say, alcohol is only gonna make things worse at a time in our lives that's already horrible. In all my years of drinking I seriously can't recall one time where alcohol made any situation better... .

Try to stop or slow way down, alcohol will still be there in 6 months or a year, if you want it, but really give being sober a shot, its the only way to go.

[desperatehubby]

Thanks everyone, your situations and thoughts are important

I'm feeling just as down today, but trying to open some beer... .mainly because I had a load last night and still feel rough... .hopefully the roughness is what stops me going silly.

I just gotta try and keep busy and find some positivity

[blurry]

 The problem will still be there at the end of the day. And if you're like me at all, you have more problems on top of it, due to the alcohol. Got a couple fines totaling 750 bucks now that were results of binges following breakups. Not to mention the 2 grand I spent binge drinking at the bar after our may and august breakups. That was less than 3 weeks combined. Thank god I pulled out of them because I could easily stay on a binge indefinitely, or at least till money runs out or I lose my job.

Gotta stop with the drinking, or seriously keep it to a minimum or to where its not destructive at all. Its like being mad at someone else and giving yourself the poison, or something like that.

I think if I stayed sober and went NC the last time she left, and I stayed where I was, held my routine, she'd of probably been back by now, or at least of asked. Which regardless if I said yes, or no, I always feel more in control when she's "chasing".

Just too much damage comes with the drinking, lose money, drunk texting, saying too much to too many people, possibly lose a job ect... .gotta stop.

[desperatehubby]

I didn't have any drink in the end yesterday, nor today... .think I just had a bad Friday night... .still down though, but agree, the drinking needs to stay to minimum