contacted the ex

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

So I contacted the ex today. I was hoping she got out of hate mode and we'd be able to be cordial to each other. We have some of the same friends and go to the same places once in a while so I was hoping we'd at least be able to ends things peacefully at some point. I was quite wrong LOL!

It's bizarre what BPD's decide to remember and what they choose to forget. All she remembers is what I said to her the last time we go into a fight. She chooses not to remember the reasons we'd get into fights, Cheating! When I mention the cheating she gets mad and just says "see, you always find a way to bring stuff up".

It's interesting how they gather only bad thoughts in there heads and get tunnel vision. She destroyed a couple of relationships with her gf's over the past month and cut them out of her life also. So today she kept repeating over and over how horrible we all were.

So now she's taken up smoking pot and her only true friend is the one she gets the pot from. And the last night we were together she got a number from a guy right in front of me. She so matter of factly said she's seen him 3 times this week and he's the first guy who isn't treating her like a piece of meat. It's weird how she doesn't think leaving me for a guy right in front of my face was any sort of problem.

Now that I did some research on BPD and stepped back, I can see just how messed up she really is. Being that the guy gave her his number right in front of me, I'm getting a certain amount of satisfaction for what's in store for him. 

[willbegood]

So I contacted the ex today. I was hoping she got out of hate mode and we'd be able to be cordial to each other. We have some of the same friends and go to the same places once in a while so I was hoping we'd at least be able to ends things peacefully at some point. I was quite wrong LOL!

It's bizarre what BPD's decide to remember and what they choose to forget. All she remembers is what I said to her the last time we go into a fight. She chooses not to remember the reasons we'd get into fights, Cheating! When I mention the cheating she gets mad and just says "see, you always find a way to bring stuff up".

It's interesting how they gather only bad thoughts in there heads and get tunnel vision. She destroyed a couple of relationships with her gf's over the past month and cut them out of her life also. So today she kept repeating over and over how horrible we all were.

So now she's taken up smoking pot and her only true friend is the one she gets the pot from. And the last night we were together she got a number from a guy right in front of me. She so matter of factly said she's seen him 3 times this week and he's the first guy who isn't treating her like a piece of meat. It's weird how she doesn't think leaving me for a guy right in front of my face was any sort of problem.

Now that I did some research on BPD and stepped back, I can see just how messed up she really is. Being that the guy gave her his number right in front of me, I'm getting a certain amount of satisfaction for what's in store for him. 

[willbegood]

Another interesting note is she blocked my number and FB but she didn't block my emails. So today she told me to delete all of her contact info and she was never responding to me ever again. Then I got like 10 emails from her after that. It was back and forth emails. I don't want it to sound like she sent me 10 unanswered emails.

I think it's strange she blocks everything and she could easily block my emails (which I told her) but she doesn't.

It's funny because this is what she's always done. Gets mad and I'm the worst guy on Earth and the other guy is great and she's finally happy. It's like she's keeping that window open just a little for future use if need be.

I know contacting her is like playing with fire because she's a professional at this game and I'm barely an amateur. It's kind of fun playing with her mind a little bit for a change.

[Octoberfest]

Willbegood-

I can identify with you about your BPDex having "selective memory" almost.  Whenever I brought up the major faults of my BPDex (meaning the specific instances (notice plural) of her cheating and/or lying about being in contact with certain guys) she would get defensive and ask why I was bringing up the past.  Sorry, but the past can only be the past when you aren't doing the same sort of stuff. Doing the same things with a different person doesn't constitute change.

Your story of her "true friend" being the person she gets pot from... .if that isn't enough to make you sick. There is a trend with pwBPD I have noticed... .you are the greatest thing in the world, so long as they have use for you.  As soon as you no longer provide what it is that they want (be it the pot, validation, trust, what have you), they are gone and you are made out to be the worse thing in the world. One nice thing (as nice as it can be) is that you have seen her destroy other relationships in her life (by gf's I assume you mean friends of hers? not romantic partners?).  You know that it isn't just you that she is clashing with.

It is ok to be getting some satisfaction from knowing what he has in store... .not because he is going to suffer (after all, it isn't the new people who have treated us poorly, is it?), but because you will see that a new person is not the answer to all of your BPDex's problems.  It is a self validation type thing.

To the email thing; I went through several cycles with my BPDex of being blocked on facebook, email, and phone after each time I caught her cheating.  Then as we recycled the walls would come down, only to go up the next time.  When I finally blocked her number 2 months ago (it remains blocked), I also made it so any emails from her were auto-deleted (so I have no idea if she ever sent any) and I don't have a facebook.  In the past week and a half I unblocked the emails... .curiosity more than anything.  Nothing has come and it likely never will.  The most current news is that she is engaged to the fat, trashy, cocaine using  guy she met working at the bar this summer.  She is/was cheating on the guy she was cheating on me with at the end with him... .dating both of them at once.  He is a real winner, and I am sure their marriage will be a happily ever after one... . especially considering she has been married once before and engaged several others times, all by the ripe old age of 22. 

It's all a journey.  But you say you are an amateur... .is this something you really want to get better at?

[willbegood]

I'm no saint and I doubt many on this board are. I've cheated on women in the past but when I did it I had to fess up and they got in my face and just went at me. I had to take it like a man and they kicked me to the curb. Everything they told me, I was like "yep your right". But these BPD people, they cheat on you and they want to yell at you like you just cheated on them. And they do it over and over like it's ok. And how dare you ever bring it up. We're supposed to accept it and forget it. Repeat over and over. LOL

It's all a journey.  But you say you are an amateur... .is this something you really want to get better at?

Oh hell no! Just talking to her (emails) most of it was f u fu f u... .but then she'd throw a little something in to be somewhat nice and I almost fell for it. I filtered her email to go to trash but I found myself checking my trash everyday so I deleted the filter. I know I should straight up NC but I obviously have issues too which is why I was with someone like that in the first place.

[Ironmanrises]

Another interesting note is she blocked my number and FB but she didn't block my emails. So today she told me to delete all of her contact info and she was never responding to me ever again. Then I got like 10 emails from her after that. It was back and forth emails. I don't want it to sound like she sent me 10 unanswered emails.

I think it's strange she blocks everything and she could easily block my emails (which I told her) but she doesn't.

It's funny because this is what she's always done. Gets mad and I'm the worst guy on Earth and the other guy is great and she's finally happy. It's like she's keeping that window open just a little for future use if need be.

I know contacting her is like playing with fire because she's a professional at this game and I'm barely an amateur. It's kind of fun playing with her mind a little bit for a change.

In bold.

This isn't a game.

They have a disorder that impacts the lives of those closest to them in destructive ways.

I understand you may feel vindictive... .

I get that.

But this is no joking matter.

Read any handful of accounts on here and you will see carnage in the aftermath of having been in a relationship with someone with that disorder.

Your best bet is to no longer have contact with her.

It will lessen your feelings of revenge.

So you can heal.

Just my thoughts.

Stay strong.

[Lao Tzu]

Dear Ironmanfalls,

     Let's not forget that these very sick folks have the highest rates of completed suicide attempts of any psychiatric disorder -- way more than people who are massively depressed.  You don't want your 'play' to get out of hand.

LT

[Lao Tzu]

sorry... .this was for willbegood.

LT

[bpdspell]

Will Be good,

You're still attached to your ex and more than likely you want a recycle. We all get up from the table when we're full. And I was in your shoes. I thought my ego could fix a very broken situation.

Your ex is mentally ill and it'll take time for you to accept that a relationship with her cannot evolve into what you want it to be. Her capacity to give you what you need and want is extremely limited. The cheating is just the tip of the iceberg.

Once our ex's cheat... .it is foolish to believe that trust can ever be restored. You are dealing with a person who is emotionally unstable and psychotic. This explains how they use pretzel logic to deflect and justify their hurtful behavior. Blaming us for THEM cheating? I heard it over and over again on these boards.

Once my ex cheated I didn't believe a word that came out of his mouth. I couldn't. The betrayal left me feeling empty, numb and shaking my head in confusion. And things never got better... .in fact... .they spiraled. Do you want more of this?

Taking another guys number in front of you? Pretty disrespectful and attention seeking.

With all your strength walk away. You cannot trust nor fix her. She's sick and if you keep coming back for more your offering up yourself "free of charge" on the chopping block.

Spell

[LoneWolf768]

Willbegood-

There is a trend with pwBPD I have noticed... .you are the greatest thing in the world, so long as they have use for you.  As soon as you no longer provide what it is that they want (be it the pot, validation, trust, what have you), they are gone and you are made out to be the worse thing in the world.

October, I wish that were the case with me and my ex... .except I gave her a reason to think I'm the worse thing in the world.

After being pushed around for far too long, I retaliated and called her out on her illness and the characteristics of it and told her she wasn't the mother she makes herself out to be.

Is it safe to say whether I defended myself or not, she'd still think I was garbage? There are a lot of 'what ifs' that I'll never have answers to because everything my ex did, I retaliated. I wonder if just not doing and saying anything in my defense would've prevented a lot of the aftermath I've caused... .

Just asking for an opinion. always nice to get solid feedback!

[bpdspell]

Is it safe to say whether I defended myself or not, she'd still think I was garbage?

Lonewolf,

What do you care about what a mentally ill person thinks about you? It's a great question to ask yourself. A better question is: Do you believe your garbage? What you believe about yourself is what matters. We give way to much power and authority to our ex's in validating our worth.

BPD is a mental illness; a mental illness that had nothing to do with you. You didn't make her treat you badly and you didn't cause her anger or her rages. Do not take responsibility for her reactions because you told her how you felt. We all have our breaking points when it comes to our ex's. We walk on eggshells with them until we can't take the abuse anymore.

I was there. Taking more than my fair share of the blame. Owning my ex's horrific behavior and doing all that I could in my power not to lose him. I became a self-sacrificing lamb in exchange for pennies and crumbs.

This is not a relationship; this is torture.

Stop blaming yourself Lone Wolf. There was nothing you could have done differently to avoid a very similar shared fate on these boards.

Spell

[Octoberfest]

Willbegood-

There is a trend with pwBPD I have noticed... .you are the greatest thing in the world, so long as they have use for you.  As soon as you no longer provide what it is that they want (be it the pot, validation, trust, what have you), they are gone and you are made out to be the worse thing in the world.

October, I wish that were the case with me and my ex... .except I gave her a reason to think I'm the worse thing in the world.

After being pushed around for far too long, I retaliated and called her out on her illness and the characteristics of it and told her she wasn't the mother she makes herself out to be.

Is it safe to say whether I defended myself or not, she'd still think I was garbage? There are a lot of 'what ifs' that I'll never have answers to because everything my ex did, I retaliated. I wonder if just not doing and saying anything in my defense would've prevented a lot of the aftermath I've caused... .

Just asking for an opinion. always nice to get solid feedback!

Something I have often told people when relating my story is that, "<BPDex>'s ___tyness brought out the ___tyness in everyone around her as well.  Myself included."  And it is true. In hindsight have I said or done things that I regret, but that were done in the heat of the moment? Absolutely.  Both things that made me out to be an as*hole as well as things that made me more vulnerable to her actions and words.  The truth is that when our emotions are in play, when we are dealing with this person that we are incredibly vulnerable to, we often don't behave in the most adult or respectable way. I have a theory that when we are in these situations we revert to a more primal level, more childlike in a lot of ways, and we lash out and sometimes use things like jealousy or "low blows" to try and get even.  We regret it later, but when we are in the moment we hurt badly enough that it doesn't matter.  

I don't know that it is going to do you any good to second guess things.  Bottom line it wasn't a healthy relationship and it wasn't going to work out.  Relationships with pwBPD never do.  The ones that do are because the pwBPD gets help or is at a higher level of functioning/consciousness, not because a magic NON comes along that can make the problems go away.

I don't know your specific story off the top of my head, but it is a safe bet that you got hurt by your BPDex. Most, if not all, here have been, to varying degrees.  I was hurt by my BPDex in ways I couldn't even conceive of. Slept with a close friend, made out with my best friend, dated three men at once, lots of other messed up stuff. Do I have a right to be upset, no, distraught? I'd say hell yes. Do I have a right to grieve, to process, to try and navigate my way through the shattered world that she left me with? Hell yes.  And sometimes lashing out and being nasty is part of that process.  Think of a wounded animal.

You do have one distinct advantage over her though; you are conscious of the fact that you acted in away that is not becoming of who you want to be.  You regret it.  Her? She never will.  It will always be your fault for the things that she did.  You can grow, move on, and do it right with another woman.  She is destined to make the same mistakes, break more relationships, and hurt more people as long as she lives (unless she gets some SERIOUS and intensive help).  It might seem like a small victory, one that is hard if not impossible to appreciate right now, but years down the road you can look back and see where your and her life split, and from your end of the fork you can look across and see the wicked, winding road that she still walks.

[willbegood]

Will Be good,

You're still attached to your ex and more than likely you want a recycle. We all get up from the table when we're full. And I was in your shoes. I thought my ego could fix a very broken situation.

I think you're right a part of me wants a recycle. Though speaking to her yesterday confirmed even more how bad she really is. I'm actually quite disgusted with this new path she's decided to take her life down. I can't see myself ever forgiving someone who has lied and cheated as much as she's done.

[seeking balance]

I think you're right a part of me wants a recycle. Though speaking to her yesterday confirmed even more how bad she really is. I'm actually quite disgusted with this new path she's decided to take her life down. I can't see myself ever forgiving someone who has lied and cheated as much as she's done.

When you are ready to heal, focusing on you and your life is much more important than judging how someone else lives their life.  I have yet to see a person get into a BPD relationship who doesn't have issues of their own that were there before a BPD shows up in our lives.  Whether unresolved grief, loneliness or childhood issues - something else in you is likely worthy of your attention to be healed.

Peace,

SB

[willbegood]

     Let's not forget that these very sick folks have the highest rates of completed suicide attempts of any psychiatric disorder -- way more than people who are massively depressed.  You don't want your 'play' to get out of hand.

LT

Yeah very sick folk who manage to keep it together in every other aspect of life except relationships. I try to understand she has issues. But the decisions she makes are conscience decisions.

[willbegood]

I have yet to see a person get into a BPD relationship who doesn't have issues of their own that were there before a BPD shows up in our lives.  Whether unresolved grief, loneliness or childhood issues - something else in you is likely worthy of your attention to be healed.

Peace,

SB

No doubt I have the exact issues you mention. I was alone and worked on some of my issues which I knew showed up in relationships before. I was in a happy place for many months before I met my ex.

Now I'm kind of wondering if I want to go work on more of my issues? I know I have them. But at the same time the issues I have aren't destroying relationships. It probably just comes down to money. Do I have an extra $600 a month to go sit and talk to someone about issues which I'm not convinced really need to be addressed in order to live a healthy happy life?

[SeekerofTruth]

wbg:

What spell said.  

I found it so frustrating (over the top) that i could not confront wife about anything.  Every now and then she'd slip in a "i'm sorry" but in the heat of the moment, it was one form of ugly or another, and i would never be right, acknowledged, let alone validated.  So why, like you, do i also have amnesia and think "being friends" is realistic, or even a remote possibility with someone who has shown they are not capable of being a true friend?

Man, in your case, the devaluation in taking someone else's number... .boundaries man.  Like me, are you perhaps a glutton for punishment (emotional or otherwise), or somehow think you have got what it takes to turn it around.  I know it doesn't make sense to me either.  Like a moth to a flame syndrome... .perhaps.  I dunno.

The more i get and accept that i am dealing with a serious mental illness in the form of her personality disorder that is otherwise well hidden, except for her closest relationships... .it becomes a little easier to "decouple" from the hitch, the itch, the downward spiral.

I think the advice about focusing on ourselves is very true.  I think its an edge.  The more we focus on our lives and recovery the better.  Right now, she got under my craw and it has triggered some ruminations and other maladies associated with being in relationship with bwBPD or going thru the detachment process.  I respect your challenge.

[willbegood]

Well said seeker. You know me very well LOL!

I'm about out of clean dishes and clothes so I'm gonna have to regroup here pretty quick. 

I really need to get this idea that I can just point out she has issues and she'll fix them out of my head.

I think it's about time to get back to the good life I had pre BPD woman!

[turtle]

No doubt I have the exact issues you mention. I was alone and worked on some of my issues which I knew showed up in relationships before. I was in a happy place for many months before I met my ex.

Now I'm kind of wondering if I want to go work on more of my issues? I know I have them. But at the same time the issues I have aren't destroying relationships. It probably just comes down to money. Do I have an extra $600 a month to go sit and talk to someone about issues which I'm not convinced really need to be addressed in order to live a healthy happy life?

The issues you have are destroying YOUR life.  Left unaddressed, you will continue to repeat this pattern over and over and over again.  Maybe not with your x, but they will surface SOMEWHERE!  You will likely pick another girl like her, or worse.

You don't have to spend $600 a month to address your issues.  There are many books (too many, really) and this forum is a great place for realistic feedback.

And... .you know you aren't really playing with her mind, right?  She doesn't really give a ___ what you think.  Harsh, but true.

turtle

[Suzn]

Wanted to share this workshop with you. I found it to be very true in my own recovery.

US: From idealization to devaluation - why we struggle

for members that have exited BPD relationships

Why is the idealization phase so intoxicating and the devaluation phase so painful for many of us?

The bond between the pwBPD and their partner is often complicated by lifelong emotional wounds EACH partner is unconsciously trying to sooth with the relationship.  When the relationship breaks, these underlying wounds often surface and make the breakup very traumatic.  

Recognizing how our own thoughts impact us as adults and taking steps to heal from our own lifelong wounds plays an important role in our recovery.

This workshop is an opportunity to explore why we feel that our break-up is so traumatic.  Let’s explore:

• What brought us into the situation?



• What vulnerabilities exist within us ?



• How does our own childhood play a role?



• Is this dynamic evident in our everyday life?



• How can you begin to heal?

[goldylamont]

Is it safe to say whether I defended myself or not, she'd still think I was garbage? There are a lot of 'what ifs' that I'll never have answers to because everything my ex did, I retaliated. I wonder if just not doing and saying anything in my defense would've prevented a lot of the aftermath I've caused... .

Just asking for an opinion. always nice to get solid feedback!

my BPDx wouldn't stop at anything to get a negative response out of me, and then use my retaliation to justify her s**ty behavior. but i had figured this out before we even separated. and i can tell you that learning to not retaliate so that they can use this against you is a good thing. it's good for you so that you don't have to feel guilty about your actions, and also good for you since they don't have anything real to use or say against you.

buuuut, no, for me there are no more "what ifs". i wouldn't waste your time and energy on this. if i never said or did anything negative against my ex i don't think this would have changed her nasty behavior one bit. recognize when you are not acting how you want to act and work to correct this. but don't make the mistake thinking that if you had 'acted better' that this person would have returned the favor. if you had been 'perfect' and never retaliated, then by default the person with BPD would simply make up lies about you to justify how they are acting. the end result would be the same--it's just that now we know how we shouldn't act when the inevitable plays itself out.

[goldylamont]

and willbegood, i think it's important to see any interaction in the emails as her "winning" and you "losing". in the sense that she is saying and doing things just to get a reaction out of you. being spiteful and mean, then you react the same--she "wins". or she will be sweet and nice, and you react the same--she "wins" because now you've excused all her bad behavior. you are correct in your assessment that you are not as skilled in this game as she, so no matter what reaction you have you can never come out on top. it's this realization that gives me the strength to just stay away from her completely, which i work on strengthening every day.

[willbegood]

my BPDx wouldn't stop at anything to get a negative response out of me, and then use my retaliation to justify her s**ty behavior.

My ex was great at this also. Though with my ex there was no justifying her behavior. Mentioning her behavior was strictly off limits.

Conversing through some emails I think actually helped me quite a bit. The things she said, the things she said about her "former" friends, the rd she's going down as far as who true friends are, smoking pot... .it all just reaffirmed I really don't want to be with this woman. Even if she didn't have BPD, I'm at a point in my life I wouldn't travel down the rd she's going anyway.