Co-parenting with UdBPD/NPD stbx wife

[maxen]

Almost a month has gone by.  I am dying inside.  I have reached a real low point in my life. I rarely go back and forth between hoping for reconciliation.  Once or twice in the last few weeks, only to get an ear full. 

I have lost most of my support system, and the ones I have left have lost any trust or respect for me.

I wake up everyday to a nightmare.

My L finally "fired me".  She says this is the most high conflict divorce she has ever seen and she referred me to her mentor.  I am another multiple four figures in debt just for the "ramp up" time.  My STBex is vilifying me to everyone.  I don't even know that the child family investigator will see through her crap.  Heck, I believe it most of the time.

Dying inside, not sure how to keep going. 

hi jmrslc. i haven't legal advice to give like the excellent regulars on this board, but i am sorry to read your story   and to read the behavior of your wife. i'm also going into a divorce with a high functioning BPDw and i know, i really know, how awful it is. maybe step by step we can get through it. and if you've got a tougher L now, then you've made the best start. like foreverdad says, don't be timid about asserting your interests, your new lawyer will help with that.

[ForeverDad]

Today has been hard.  She is seeing someone, and I got my boys for the day so she could go on an all-day date.

Good for you!  As we had hoped, over time she will let go, well, at least a little.

I know it is par for the course, but I am struggling with her dating so soon .

Accept this:  She is an adult, she has the right to live her life as she decides.  Yes, even if they're the wrong decisions.  Yes, it sucks that she's barely separated, still married and already dating.  If it's any consolation, her quick resumption of dating is a common experience here, it seems the PD ex-spouses have to jump into a new relationship ASAP.  If anything, it shows they're not the least bit introspective to figure out what about themselves contributed to the marriage's demise.  Which is also why we encourage our members to be a bit slow about seeking out a new relationship "on the bounce-back".

Repeat, her choice to date so soon is a reflection about her, not you.  Let Go.  Move on.  Gradually it will get better, acceptance and recovery is a painful process that takes time, not an event.  Live your life better, while for now giving yourself time to recover.

[jmrslc]

Today has been hard.  She is seeing someone, and I got my boys for the day so she could go on an all-day date.

Good for you!  As we had hoped, over time she will let go, well, at least a little.

I know it is par for the course, but I am struggling with her dating so soon .

Accept this:  She is an adult, she has the right to live her life as she decides.  Yes, even if they're the wrong decisions.  Yes, it sucks that she's barely separated, still married and already dating.  If it's any consolation, her quick resumption of dating is a common experience here, it seems the PD ex-spouses have to jump into a new relationship ASAP.  If anything, it shows they're not the least bit introspective to figure out what about themselves contributed to the marriage's demise.  Which is also why we encourage our members to be a bit slow about seeking out a new relationship "on the bounce-back".

Repeat, her choice to date so soon is a reflection about her, not you.  Let Go.  Move on.  Gradually it will get better, acceptance and recovery is a painful process that takes time, not an event.  Live your life better, while for now giving yourself time to recover.

I am in a bad place right now... .

Yes, I am an idiot for cheating. There is no excuse for it, and it only adds to my shame-based thinking and self-loathing.

My ex (or soon to be) has reminded me a few times that my net worth is much more dead due to my life insurance policies.

<sigh>

[ForeverDad]

Please, don't be her Whipping Boy.  Yes, you did wrong, so did she, so have all of us.  We're all imperfect.  The Big Question is whether we take that experience and learn from it and change course.  From what I've read, you have.  And she hasn't.

Sadly, she will keep berating you and belittling you.  It's your choice whether you will let her verbal attacks hit or bounce off.

You can say "I'm sorry" just so many times before more apologies become unhealthy.  Yes, you stumbled badly.  But you stopped and tried to fix things.  Clearly she does not recognize that and has not let go even though she too has done serious missteps as well.  Clearly she can see how this impacts you and so of course she refuses to stop pushing your buttons over and over.  She will do and say whatever she wishes, you have little control over that.  So what do you have control over, what can YOU do?  You will sink in quicksand if you don't find a way to block, disregard or minimize her withering verbal abuse.  As has often been repeated here, Don't let her rent a room in your head!  Don't gift her that power and leverage over you!

So, can you deflect or ignore her snide remarks and endless-blaming?  Figure out some techniques to withstand those assaults?  Picture her walking around, point her finger at you saying, "Blah, Blah, Blah... ."  Or imagine that around her you have the invisible shield around you and she can't reach you.  Or imagine her insults falling off you just like water off a duck's back.  Whatever it takes to help you see that her foaming and frothing at the mouth is not under your control, but whether you let it impact you is up to you.

Here's another example... .how would you feel if a stranger walked up to you and said what she says.  It wouldn't have much impact, would it?  Yes, it might hurt a little but you'd be able to brush it off, knowing it wasn't true, not any more.  So what's the difference between her and a stranger?  You are still letting her get too close to you, knowing now as you do that she's no longer a friend and has made herself a staunch enemy.  Work on that.  Why let an enemy continue hurting you?

Disclaimer:  Even now, over 8 years since separation, what my ex says still hurts.  I have to admit that.  But I try to limit how much it hurts.  I try to keep emotional distance.

[livednlearned]

I am in a bad place right now... .

Yes, I am an idiot for cheating. There is no excuse for it, and it only adds to my shame-based thinking and self-loathing.

My ex (or soon to be) has reminded me a few times that my net worth is much more dead due to my life insurance policies.

<sigh>

What is next for you jmrslc? The divorce is imminent, she is dating. Your T thinks you might be dependent personality disorder. What do you think needs to happen next so you can begin healing?