need help to sift through all the madness

[eilmurf]

My husband has been threatening divorce for 6 years. Hes in the military and got stationed in another state a year earlier than he expected. WE agreed I would stay here so my son could finish up school (2 years) and work on our stuff with counselors and check in and see where its all going with a direction to working on things. He has all the traits of BPD. I was not motivated in any way to go there with him and what endure more of the same... saw it as a Godsend with the distance. Now he has a new counselor (christian) who sides with him and says im only after his money and im controlling (all his words) and he has grounds for divorce as Ive abandoned him, left him out there on his own and deprived him of a relationship with his 2 year old son. He just sent the parenting plan via email on court paper but all his own thing on there what he wants. I told him I dont believe in divorce. It has been very strained the past few months with hardly any communication only to his son. Had pretty nasty conversation via texting tonight and I realized he has gotten way worse than before, calling me psycho etc. I believe this time he will follow through on it, since he found this new therapist hes different in fact worse than before,,like hes on a high. I think its due to the counselor believing all his lies and deception and telling him what he wants to hear. The house im in with the kids and my elderly mom who I care for is being foreclosed on, I have no money, no job skills and two kids and self esteem is on the floor,,whqat do I do. I feel like Ive been in a fog these past 6 years and just woke up and am now scrambling to know what to do,,as no matter which direction I turn its overwhelming. I have no funds so cant go to a therapist even if  I wanted to. Each counselor weve gone to always turns on me and takes his side and teels me they dont see BPD in him,,hes very good at hiding it! I feel like I cant go on any longer,, that im losing my mind. Im normally a very strong person but this is beyond me to figure out,, hes blackened my name to others,,and im afraid what he may do (legally) with our little boy. Direction pls... .! Im lost

[Surnia]

  eilmurf

so sorry to hear all this, you are really in need of support 

Good you reached out to us again.

I can understand you are very worried about your future, I would be too.

Take some deep, deep breaths.

I saw you had another thread on Legal, this is a good place too for you.

What about friends or family, do you have any support from there?

If not, we are here for you eilmurf.

[eilmurf]

Hi Surnia,

Thanks so much for responding I was desperate to hear form someone and no I do not have any family or support here in this area where I live, theres just me my mom whos in her 80s and my two boys. I think a part of me feels shame that I couldn't figure this out and though normally very sociable I now tend to want to be on my own a lot, even members of my own family dont really get mental illness. Thank you for reminding me to breath (believe me you forget amidst all the mess). We stopped going to church some time back, people just did not get what I was going through and I felt like I had to hide this stuff and I didnt want to be in a place where i didnt feel cared about or supported in some way- got enough of that at home. Also my husband is in seminary has been an associate pastor, preaches the word but is clueless it seems as he shoving divorce down my throat every chance- hugh disconnect. Im looking into BPD support, having a hard time in my area for some reason (Tampa, FL). I was in celebrate recovery (christian program) for coda type stuff but the focus was all on the spouse and I know I got to keep it on me and work on my own recovery. This forum has been a hugh support to me before and Im glad Im able to reconnect, reach out and people like yourself care enough to respond back its a tremendous help! Though he has threatened divorce for our entire marriage i see there's a Hugh change (of course) in the 2 years hes been gone, hes grown even more cold and detached like he could toss us aside and not even look back.  He does not see his part in anything,,is this like alcoholics in denial until they have the light-bulb moment? I did try to join some dots for him years ago, hs mother has BPD shes on her 8th husband and he was totally offended I would even suggest his issues were any way connected with hers LOL

[Surnia]

Eilmurf

that we retire feeling ashamed that we cannot figure it out is quite often. I can so relate with it.

Speaking about it, sharing it can be a step!

How is the relationship between your younger son and him?

[eilmurf]

Definitely speaking about it helps,,just need to find some groups or alternate support options,, My poor mom is so worn out with all this unfortunately she got to witness so much of this nightmare due to the fact she lives with me and I care for her in her old age. He can only handle our 2 for very short bouts as my 2 year old sets off all his triggers,,he plays emotional head stuff with him,,did the same to the other two kids he has when they would visit and I would have to tell him to knock it off. Hes very emotionally immature "of course" so in other ways they are at the same age there about developmentally, same behaviors, tantrums, pushing the envelope etc. Cant imagine our 2 year old with him for 90 days of the summer since he can hardly manage 2/3 days and has never had him overnight on his own