Undx PWBPD triggered by my wedding

[Pinkstar]

I come from a very close family. I have 3 brothers, 1 sister (the one with undx BPD) and a lovely mother. My father passed away 14 years ago, and this is what triggered sister's BPD. I've done some reading around the boards, and was relieved to learn that many BPDs are basically addicted to their behaviour, which explains a LOT. Anyway, being BPD, my sister's relationship is marred by drama. She's basically screamed at her bf for hours on a regular basis for years. He even left during the summer because he couldn’t take it anymore. However, he came back so she has now gone back into her old behaviour. She was basically dragged to a psychiatrist and he dx her with agitated depression. As a psychology graduate myself, I am well aware that BPD presents with a co-morbid condition in almost all cases AND that many health professionals are fooled by the BPD person's act for a long time.

Anyway, all she wants is to get married and have a home of her own. She also has dreadful menstrual periods, but being BPD she won't do anything practical like go to the doctor to sort them out. Anyway, she is very angry that I am getting married and that I have a house, so has attacked me twice in recent weeks. The first time she PUSHED me and cursed at me for asking if she could tell me for definite if she were coming to the wedding. I of course did not engage and walked away, not speaking to her until she apologised to me. Then yesterday I was at the house (she lives with my mother, but is moving out next week) and could tell my sis was spoiling for a fight. I just wanted to get out of there, but my mother wanted to get her meds so asked me to wait. Anyway, sis was going on about something and said she wasn't going to take her meds. Instead she was going to go back on an old med that makes her hair fall out and that she always stops taking anyway due to the hair thing. Furthermore, she takes such a low dose that it basically doesn’t work. Unlike many people with BPD she responds wonderfully to medication. She becomes calm, reasonable and rational, with only the minimum of drama. So I told her that she should take them and that would be best in the long run. She then went crazy and was like "you’re judging me”. She literally kept ranging about that and then started on about how I am our mother’s favourite daughter and that I think I am perfect blah, blah, blah. All because I recommended that she take the meds she NEEDS. I also told her that her issues affect others (probably wasn’t wise, but I am sick of the way she treats our lovely mother who BTW has cancer, is undergoing chemo and has developed the common side effect of depression as a result).

So, since she was shouting at me, I told her that was unacceptable and that I was leaving. So I left. Then today I get a call from my poor mother saying that BPD sis wanted me to stay and talk it out yesterday. WTH? I wouldn’t try to reason with a toddler having a tantrum, and that is what she is like. Now she wants to come to my wedding dress fitting today, which in fairness she has been very helpful with. She is also unfortunately my bridesmaid (done to keep my mother happy*), but I am pretty much 95% certain she won’t turn up as it is a destination wedding and she has a flaying phobia. This is quite unfair on me as I don’t have much money and the alterations will cost about $100 for something which likely won’t be worn. Of course if I tell her I don’t want her to be bridesmaid, that will be yet MORE drama, which I can’t be bothered with.

Basically she seems to be acting out more than ever as:

1) Her issues get even worse at this point in her menstrual cycle.

2) She is so ANGRY and JEALOUS that I am getting married.

3) There are things she needs to do, like turn up for appointments etc, at the moment.

What can I do to deal with her over the next few weeks? Also, what should I say to her today when I see her? TBH, if it weren’t for my mother’s requests, I would just cut contact with her completely.

*My mother is going through a lot, so I am willing to suck it up to make life easier for her.

[Clearmind]

A lot going on Pinkstar!

Firstly, once in a rage its next to impossible to reason. Its invalidating for you and her to engage – its best to leave.

Mum needs to not involve you – you have boundaries that you need to uphold and leaving was the best thing you could have done. Mum may feel guilty and maybe you do too for your sister’s behaviour. The guilt may need processing. Its neither of your fault and placating sis when she is raging is reinforcing bad behaviour. Think of her like a 3 year old.

The best thing that can happen is that sis does find her own place. Mum on the other hand needs to find her own feet and you not take the heat. That is not fair on you.

Seems to be a lot of “keep Mum happy” Pinkstar! This breeds resentment.

Sis will be sis regardless – Mum and you may need to sit and have a chat about boundaries, reinforce yours and how you want to handle BPDsisters outbursts.

Walking on eggshells for Mum and sis is not going to help your level of happiness in the long run - you are getting married and will have your own family to protect soon. How will all that fit in to the current situation? What are hubbies feelings about all this?

[Pinkstar]

Yes, I've walked away when she acted like this. Nobody shouts at me. I also refuse to enable any of her traits. I don't feel guilty though. I'm not sure what you mean by that. My poor mother has to fight hard to be assertive, and she actually did a course on assertiveness. It helped a lot actually, but now she is physically ill from chemotherapy and depressed from it too. So she's not able. Anyway, sis is moving out now. My mother is simply not able for her. She won't give her any boundaries, so sis just walks all over her.

I would never be resentful of my mother. Part of the reason we are all so frustrated is that sis affects my poor mother. As my brother said, she is very bad right now because she can't stand not having all the attention and a) our mother is getting attention being that she is a chemotherapy patient and b) I am getting attention due to getting married soon.

My husband to be hates her for what she does to my mother. He also sees her for what she is: selfish and childish. I have *no* issues with someone having mental health problems. I do however have issues with grownups who won't take responsibility for said mental health. I know that's a classic borderline thing.

[Clearmind]

Walking away is the best way to handle it Pinkstar!

Sometimes when we set strong boundaries guilt can crop up - guilt for looking after us! I sometimes feel that way and need to work on processing it without jumping to fix.

Borderlines can create a whole heap of family drama and triangulate with others - it sounds like stepping out of the drama is something you are doing which is great.

Hope the wedding plans are coming along.

Has BPDsis moved out? How far is she moving? Is Mum open to learning about boundaries?