I don't know...

[true_blue]

So, here’s my story.

I’m 36 and so is she. We’ve been together for over 10 years. We have a lovely 4-year-old son.

My whole life has been about our relationship and my family.

I have job that pays very well, but with every career move I did, my most important check was “will my family benefit from this?” Because, that's what's most important to my: my family.

I don’t have any hobbies anymore. I run, but on a threadmill, so that I can stay at home and do it while my son is asleep.

I’m there when he wakes up; I’m there when I have to put him to bed.

She only works 50% of the time and we have a cleaning lady that comes every Friday afternoon, but never the less, she’s always complaining about the huge load of work she has to do at home.

She switches jobs every 1 - 2 years. Once I even handed in her resignation letter for her, and negotiated with her boss on how much time she had to stay after handing it in.

She stayed home for more than 3 years, studying for a new profession. It was night school, but she wanted to stay home (and not work) because it was hard for her to combine working and studying everything.

Everything is always stress with her. I’m really walking on eggshells the entire time. And my son, too young to walk on eggshells, is always having fights and tantrums with her.

And then, 10 days ago, I found out she had been having sex with another guy for more than 1,5 years in hotels, parkings and even forests.

She did things with him that she didn’t even do with me. And she even had unsafe sex.

And all this in a period when I bought her “dream house” (her words) and we were trying to get pregnant again.

She had met the guy at the swimming lessons of my son.

She told me that she had “warned” me that something was starting, because one day, she asked me to join her to the swimming pool, because there were some guys seducing her. (I was proud that those guys were seducing her, because it meant my wife was attractive, but I never thought that it would come to this.)

And she also wanted to tell me once… when my dad was dying in the hospital. (I remember she started a conversation with “I’m lonely”.) Fortunately, she didn’t confess it - I cut her off after the "I'm lonely" and jelled "don't make this about you! my dad is dying! I have to be there!". It would have been the death of me, had I found out then.

When I confronted her with it, I could see in her eyes she couldn’t get what was going on. Tears were running out of my eyes and she just sat there staring at me, as if it was something she just couldn’t understand. She didn’t start crying. She didn’t even start saying “I”m so sorry”. She just sat there, stared at me, and waited for my next question.

All she could say to explain herself was “I didn’t do it to hurt you” and “it didn’t mean a thing”.

I kinda kicked her out of the house: the first night after I found out, I slept in the spare room. But then, as I got to know more and more details, I simply couldn’t stand sleeping under the same roof with her. So I spent two nights at my brother’s house… and then I told her I wanted to come home, but she had to leave. Because, if we would be together for more than 5 minutes, we would be fighting and our son doesn’t have to witness that.

And then I went to our family doctor. He sat me down and we had a long chat. And one of the things he told me was: “I don’t like to say this, and I will never tell her, but your wife has a personality disorder”. He didn’t name it, but when I said “yeah, I know, borderline”, he didn’t say no.

I don’t miss her. Not at all. I will not say it’s easy, with all the practical stuff that needs to be arranged. But at least the stress is gone. And I can manage.

But my heart breakes in to a million peaces when my son asks me when mommy is going to live with us again. And he tells me he no longer is my friend, because I tell him “never”.

But, still, somewhere there’s that nagging thought in my mind, that I should help her. Because I help everybody. And because I don’t want my son to see how bad his mother will get, without me being there. Our family doctor warned me for this. He told me “she will be in total chaos without you”.

So… I don’t know... .

[Surnia]

Hi true_blue

and 

What a story, and I am so glad you found your way to the board!

What you went through is heartbreaking. 

Good you have a wise doctor!

I think regarding your son its good too that you found us. Its different when we have kids... .

What are your plans regarding custody?

Do you have some support from your family?

Please keep in touch, true_blue!

[true_blue]

Well, my son is the ONLY reason why I still have some doubts.

To me, my wife is nothing but a stranger. Even worse, I trust her less than a stranger. There's no relationship left.

But my son... .

All my friends and my family tell me that my son is so much calmer and nicer when I'm around, especially when she's not around. It's not that she's physically abusive, it's just that there is so much more stress around when she's there. And she can get hysterical over nothing. Even getting him dressed is a real agony with her and she has to "help" him with everything... .With me, he does it all by himself.

I'll never get 100% custody. (Although I would prefer that.) So, I'm really worried about what will happen when I'm not around.

But if I stay, I'll die unhappy... .and we're also always fighting, which is also not good for my son.

:-(

[Surnia]

Coming to a decision when kids are around is so much more difficult! I agree with you, being as a child in a tense family home is not healthy. Divorced it is much depending from how much custody for the healthier parent, means for you - and this is unknown so far.

Some members on Staying board are staying bc of her kids.

Some are trying but couldn't work it out.

Some are going through divorce.

What I would recommend you regarding your son and parenting: Start reading her, to gain more understanding about the illness. Not with the intention to stay but being prepared for a divorce and parenting through it. And while you are reading eg through the Lessons Lessons for members who are staying in their relationships, you will perhaps change too.

And this can help to come slowly slowly to a decision.

What do you think about it as a way to go?

[Aussie0zborn]

Wow... .what a sad story. I feel for you.  Have you sought professional advice on how to handle your son's questions to minimize the impact on him?

I like how it was all your fault for not going to the swimming pool. Classic.

Stay strong. 

[true_blue]

Thanks for the replies.

I must admit that this is not the first time I visit bpdfamily (although it is the first time I post anything). So I have already been reading up. And I also read some books on it, e.g. "Walking on Eggshells".

But, I really really cannot handle it anymore. I'm always helping her to explain the reactions of others, calming her down when she blows again, making sure no harm is done to me or our son when she does, setting boundaries, helping her keeping them, ... .

I really would like to know, what in your opinion which is best (for our son, that is). If I stay, it will never without stress, but I can calm her down sometimes; if I leave I cannot calm her down (coz I won't be around), but he'll be in no stress whenever he's with me... .

[Surnia]

But, I really really cannot handle it anymore. I'm always helping her to explain the reactions of others, calming her down when she blows again, making sure no harm is done to me or our son when she does, setting boundaries, helping her keeping them

This sounds like you are really done. Than you have to find legal support from a lawyer and perhaps here from the Legal board.

One thing I am wondering a bit, hope you don't mind: What is working for her to calm her down? Can you give us an example of a situation and what you did?

Again, its not my intention to say stay with her. Its more about being realistic, bc you have a son together and you cannot go to NC.

I would say for your son it is good to have at least one person around who is stable, has healthy boundaries, with humor and emotional available. When you are in a complete unhappy situation in your marriage its difficult to be a good father. 

[Dancing1]

Wow! I feel for you and can relate to the child "issue" , I too am in that situation but have yet to catch my husband in an " affair" but I have my suspicions.

I have a child that constant,y asks ne when I will leave , and how much more am I going to take? It's heartbreaking ... .I feel that the decision lies in how much help does your child need with your spouse, and can they manage when you are away? I am trying to educate myself , then my son and then decide what is best to bring myself sone happiness - because anything that goes wrong here is also " my fault", it's so sad ;((

I wish you health, strength and insight at this juncture.

[true_blue]

The only way I could calm her down, is to let use me as stress relief, to take full blame and to take over... .

E.g. when things are not going OK at her work, she's always yelling at me that I have an easy job (= stress relief) - note: she's assistant book keeper, I'm in sales in IT; she has to fill in the books, I have to find and close projects of over $1M; I doubt that anyone would qualify my job "easier" than hers. And then I have to explain to her what she has to do at her work to get things better (= take over). In some cases I even contacted her boss to help mediate.

And if I don't... .Well, then hell starts... .Everything will go completely wrong because of her job... .And so, until I fix it (e.g. I allow her to quit and stay at home for a while) everything will even go worse... .

E.g. when our son is in the bath tub and doesn't want to come out, it's like WWIII is starting with her. And when it becomes too much for her (or when I can no longer hear it) I have to step in, get her out of the bathroom, calm him down and get him out of the bath (= take over). Usually, she then will get furious at me, because I "undermine het authority". (= take full blame & stress relief) Even when she called me in to take over.

She's like an angry teenager. But I cannot treat her like one, because she's supposed to be my "equal partner".

I've really had it with her. But I'm worried what will happen when my son is in the bath tub and doesn't want to come out... .and I'm not around.

[Surnia]

Yes, I would worry about your son in the bath tube too.

So to stay with your pictures you are with a angry teenager and a 2 year old. This is exhausting!

Did you ever try to take Time-out when she is yelling?

Her shouting: You have no idea how horrible my day was, you with your easy and nice job!

You: Bad days suck. Please don't shout at me like this, otherwise I will leave the room.

Her: ?%!*%

You: Lets talk about this... .(5 or so hours later).

Her: ?%!*%

You: Leaving the room

Or something like this. The approach is to stop the pattern that you are there for her stress release which is in my eyes a very unhealthy pattern. And its not a great model for a little child.

I remember myself how used I was to hear all the blaming/yelling from my husband at that time. It was a  for me to realize that I do not have to stay under this... .

In the same time, Validation her feelings is important when she is not yelling! True validation is such a great tool, for all communication.

Communication using validation. What it is; how to do it

[true_blue]

Hi Surnia,

I've tried that. But it's easier said than done, that I have to leave the room... .She simply follows me!

And I have to admit, staying calm in these situations takes so much of my energy, sometimes I simply cannot stay calm. I do have stressful days at the office too, you know, and if she then starts one of her fits, it's simply not possible for me to stay calm.

Sure, I can leave the house, but then my son is alone with her! And if I take our son with me, than I'm dragging my son into the focus of the conflict, because then she'll be yelling at me with my son in my arms... .

And, yes, I try to validate her feelings... .but if she things that here colleagues and the entire world are all plotting against her, I simply cannot say that she's right... .

So, I know what the textbook says, but has anyone ever been able to do this?

[Surnia]

Hi true_blue

I know it is not easy, believe me. I was there too, the difference without kids (which is a huge difference) and my h having strong N traits instead of BPD (we are walking also on eggshells with NPD involved).

My h hated it when I took a timeout. I had to go out, I had to say very firm: Go out here, let me be alone for some time. It turned to the blame I would never speak with him.   The most important thing I guess was doing it for myself. I could at least try to stand up for my boundary. I was not forced to hear all this crap only bc I was married with him and bc I am a nice and patient person. I started to ask myself: What would I do when someone at work would speak with me in such manner? I would ask to stop and I would walk away!

The outcome of this: We are divorced now. Which is sad in a way and very okay too. Bc it is a change. And each change hast to start somewhere... .

About validation: Its not validating the fact, its the feeling about something. Yes, it is hard to feel everybody against yourself. Its not, you are right, everybody is against you.

Its not easy. It took my a very long time to realize the difference.

This is my point of view here on Undecided. And being undecided is a very hard place. 

The other option is to file for divorce and than you will probably receive more advice on the Legal board.