How do you know if you dont have BPD too?

[Pam64]

Hi everyone,

I am new here but am wondering how I would know if I dont have BPD?  My Mum has it (was diagnosed) and my sister displays the same behaviours too.  Because I have only 1 sibling I was wondering how I would know that I dont have BPD? 

My life outside my immediate family is a happy one.  I have a loving and supporting husband and friends who have been in my life for many years. I've held down a job for years.  I've not been suicidal nor do I have moments of rage or depression. I've never physically hurt anyone and am very conscious about hurting people's feelings - probably more than average - again I think that comes from my childhood.  I dont shut people out of my life because they challenge me on my beliefs or dont do what I would do in a situation. 

I do have a fear of abandonment but rationally I think that comes from my childhood. I have had a tendency to emotionally eat but can notice the triggers when this happens and stop. It usually happens when I get a dull ache in my chest which generally happens when I am dealing with my family or when I remember an event from my childhood which hurts. I've never fallen in love easily. 

I think I can rationalise my emotions and am pretty much independent. When I am not around my sister and Mum I feel comfortable with my reality - if that makes sense. When they are in my life I question my reality as they tend to infer that everything I say is not reality.

I dont tend to hold conversations with people that is all about me.

I saw a psychologist for a while to help me learn some coping skills to deal with my Mum and she never once mentioned that I had BPD - bit I just cant help wondering... .

Is it weird to question why or whether you have BPD too when the your immediate family have it?

Thank you

[GeekyGirl]

Many of us here have asked the same question, Pam64.   That's what drove me to T initially, and what brought me to this site. It's not uncommon to pick up BPD traits from our parents and siblings with BPD, even if we don't develop the disorder. We call them "fleas" here. 

The best way to know for sure is to see a mental health professional. Would you be willing to meet with another psychologist or therapist?

[jdtm]

What I have read and tend to understand is that if one questions that he/she might have BPD, that person probably does not have this mental disorder.  Those with BPD tend to deny that the problems is theirs - the blame is usually put on someone else.

[Pam64]

Thank you for your replies - they make such sense and do give me comfort.

I think the previous psychologist would have told me because she knew how concerned I was about it, however a test would certainly give me a lot of comfort.   She did give me such great tools on how to deal with my family but my biggest issues are those boundaries - I just cant keep them up with my Mum and sister.  I keep feeling for them and trying to help them out. I just continually react to their dramas in the hope I can help.

Cheers

[justnothing]

Well, not to take away from some of what's been said here but the truth of the matter is that neither the fact that you're asking yourself whether you have BPD nor the fact that the therapist didn't say anything about it necessarily mean that you don't have it. However, if you feel that you're functioning just fine as it is (in all areas of your life, from what you say) then… does it really matter that much? Either way, you'll only know for sure by asking a professional. It might help to also look up more info on it (be selective as to where you look that info up though) to see if you can identify with any of it.

[Pam64]

Dear JustNothing,

Thank you for your post. 

I appreciate your view but it sits in my mind because I am frightened to have a child in case I have it. I hate the idea of inflicting what my Mum inflicted on me on to someone else.  The physical and emotional abuse, the suicide attempts, the hospitalisations, being left on doorsteps or having support groups collect us because Mum didn't want us anymore because we were bad children - I could never do these things and more to a child because I remember the intense emotional pain and the fear. 

I've come to the conclusion that I do need to confront this and try to understand it more - and also to see if others have this concern.  For me I guess I would relax more in myself knowing I was okay.

I dont want this to hold me back from having my own family and as we have been trying for some time with a specialist I'm just thinking that it might be my sub-conscious working away too.


I hope this makes sense.

Again, thank you

Pam

[GeekyGirl]

I am frightened to have a child in case I have it. I hate the idea of inflicting what my Mum inflicted on me on to someone else.  The physical and emotional abuse, the suicide attempts, the hospitalisations, being left on doorsteps or having support groups collect us because Mum didn't want us anymore because we were bad children - I could never do these things and more to a child because I remember the intense emotional pain and the fear. 

I know that feeling, Pam. Although I found out about BPD after my son was born, I started going to T and came here because I too was afraid that I'd treat my DS the same way I was treated. My T has reminded me that I'm not my mother, and can make better parenting choices than she did. You are not your mother, and you do have a chance to behave differently.

justnothing has asked a good question: would it really change things if you found out that you have BPD? It might make sense to really look at yourself and your behavior and figure out what you'd like to work on from there. Having a diagnosis might help you focus your treatment, but you don't necessarily need a diagnosis to work on yourself.

When you think about having children, what are you most afraid of?

[lovespopcorns78]

HI ... wow you are way ahead of me,  I am new my Mom untreated BPD so my childhood was abusive, BUT my brothers were not they were the golden children I was the bad child  some BPparents  will do this thats why this is such a secret to others due to the fact the abused must by lying because the other children dont have the same experience so it adds to my the abused child feeling they are the broken terriable one, thats where much of my shame came from unworthiness  I have been married to a wonderful man for over 3 decades have amazing children job for 18 years but I have some BPD traits such as abandonment and low selfworth issues due to my vulneralbe age and trauma , I understand not everyone who is raised in this environment has BPD traits and some have different levels it was our therapist who connected the dots together I was taken back  had no idea  but as this is unraveling it all makes so much sence for me... .but It takes an independent expert to see this because I was so good at hiding my faults it was difficult for my therapist to even find it... it explained why I see things differently Remember This is a secret I have learned to keep inside to be accepted at all cost , to not let anyone see My only suggestion is if you feel uneasy about it and it gives you pause see a professional in the field that knows what they are looking for ... PLease understand this is only my experience  and I am new with all this stuff... .so I am only speaking in regards to my experience  and my interpretation .Good Luck to you!

[lovespopcorns78]

 to pam 64... .sorry i dont know how to post under your post... .In regards to having children  As a young women I made a choice NOT TO BE LIKE MY MOM! Who has BPD... To this day The words she said and still says to me this day would never come out of my mouth towards my children or the physical abuse,,it makes me physically pained inside to even think of it towards them... .so in college I took child psychology classes, i took parenting classes for years with my children and husband as they were growing up we were fortunate to live in areas that had community courses that were taken as parent/child together so we learned together with other parents all about parenting from the time the kids were under 5 thats how I learned to try do things differently  and we did the courses with each child as each child is different and what a gift to spend that time with our kids... .to break the cycle it is absolutely possible we have the most loving children !It can happen ! good luck!

[justnothing]

I am frightened to have a child in case I have it. I hate the idea of inflicting what my Mum inflicted on me on to someone else.  The physical and emotional abuse, the suicide attempts, the hospitalisations, being left on doorsteps or having support groups collect us because Mum didn't want us anymore because we were bad children - I could never do these things and more to a child because I remember the intense emotional pain and the fear.  

I can relate to what you're saying. I have BPD myself (something my therapist, of several years, only told me when I asked her point blank btw) and I'm also afraid of repeating the same behavior my mother had. Despite this, my therapist told me a couple of times that she'd actually like to see me start a family some day. When I told her about my concerns of being abusive or neglectful she told me that there are therapists that pretty much specialize in helping parents raise their children in healthy ways (meant specifically for parents with these kind of concerns). Another therapist also once told me there are ways to help prevent BPD from developing in children (especially validation) in case that's another concern.

Like GeekyGirl said, you are not your mother (and having a BPD dx wouldn't make you like your mother either) and the thing to look at, when thinking about having children, is yourself and your behavior. For example, you mentioned suicide attempts and hospitalizations… but if you don't have a history of that yourself, why would it suddenly crop up when you have children?

Another thing to look at, that might help you put things in perspective, are your relationships with the people around you. If after long, hard days at work you still have the energy to maintain healthy, stable, loving relationships with your husband and friends and if you give in those relationships about as much as you take… then it sounds like you already have the foundations needed for healthy parenting.

[Clearmind]

Meet the resident  . When we have a BPD parent we twisted our own beliefs to fit theirs. It can appear that we are BPD however we also have traits that are clearly not BPD: insight, inquiring mind, questioning parents beliefs and questioning our own.

Find your own beliefs and build your self worth - extract yourself from the enmeshed nature of these relationships and find your own truth.

[lovespopcorns78]

wonderful advise ...

[Pam64]

Thank you to everyone for your posts.  It so helps to know that there are success stories out there. Your posts have so helped me put things into perspective. I also realise that I am not alone and there are many who have and continue to have fullfilling lives.

I am starting to realise that I need to have faith in myself: that the life I have is reality and that I am a loving and lovable person. Just because my Mum and sister are incapable of loving me - it is only because of their sickness that this is the way it is.

I should constantly remind myself too that I have raised a severely abused dog for 9 years - definitely not the same as a child but still it required a certain amount of empathy and definitely a lot of care.  The dog now has a beautiful nature and just loves children and is no longer fearful.

Sometimes I think we should all have some kind of board listing the reality checks and accomplishments that show that we are worthwhile, lovable, and accomplished people.  A board to pull out when we are questioning our worth or are being hurt by our BPDs relatives to challenge those thoughts at that time.

Thank you again everyone.

Pam

[GeekyGirl]

I should constantly remind myself too that I have raised a severely abused dog for 9 years - definitely not the same as a child but still it required a certain amount of empathy and definitely a lot of care.  The dog now has a beautiful nature and just loves children and is no longer fearful.

That does require a lot of empathy and care and I'll bet that it has been a difficult, yet rewarding experience. 

Sometimes I think we should all have some kind of board listing the reality checks and accomplishments that show that we are worthwhile, lovable, and accomplished people.  A board to pull out when we are questioning our worth or are being hurt by our BPDs relatives to challenge those thoughts at that time.

Good idea! It's good to have some sort of reminder... .do you journal or keep photo albums or scrapbooks (real or virtual)?